Restarting, replaying, rethinking weekends.

When's the last time, 4 or 5 months ago? Doesn't matter. I got out of my study life,  in most circumstances, gladly and finally.

But I find myself questioning what I should be doing now then. From now on, there shall be no such things as having classes on weekends, no lectures, no classmates, no breaks.

If there's one thing that's somewhat obviously a saddening truth, is that your friends are all over the places. It's going to be very difficult to find a convenient reason to hang out, to simply put at it.

Since, I never really express the desire to strengthen our friendship, especially amongst the female companions. I don't see how a "do you want to hang out?" would be appropriate now. Regrettably. Often I believe the time consuming and overall importance of such a request is too much.

With my personality, I can't really do anything about it but it is exactly because of that, I don't like my weekends.

My nephews come over on weekends, it is not that I don't like them, in fact, they are very precious little families. But, the thing about introverts and peace loving people, it's very exhausting and stressful to just be in the whole environment.

And I can't tolerate it forever, due to reasons, my parents have to help care for them. To which I'm in a dilemma, my parents are not how they used to be, and because of the "reasons", their hands are tied until for an indefinite time.

For this very circumstances, I always want to go out on weekends but always felt guilty about it.

Am I wrong to feel this way? To think I'm still not ready and have no desire to help relieve some of these from my brother and parents?

I still have a genuine wanting of exploring, socialising or just being free to do what I like. But it's like there are invisible shackles chaining down on me, unchaining them only pains me further.

Try, try and keep on trying.

If first you don't succeed, try until you die.

It seems wherever I am, whoever I meet. I can't seem to be close to a girl. The more effort I put in one, the quicker she shuts me away.

Ironically, the ones that are still friends, are not as close but they are there, still acknowledging you as a friend.

I decided to believe it's just my rather weak social skills and anti-social tendencies failing my attempts to befriend a girl.

I indeed, do not know how, besides for my mother, my whole my family consists of all male. The only lesson my mum taught me, was to treat a girl with the up most standard. The further information I obtain is just through observation, movies, cartoons, animes, dramas and what not.

Unfortunately, the problem cannot be solved in such a way, for that I lack the most important thing, how to be a friend.

I have never, through my own full initiative and effort, to befriend a guy or a girl. It is always someone taking the first step or a guiding hand to another. What is too warm a friendly act or too cold a stranger's shoulder, I cannot decide the correct choice without knowing what was wrong in the very beginning.

But truly, I can see that I'm making all the wrong choices, with the wrong persons. Vast is the different personalities found in each person.

I only know what I liked in other people, but not what other people would like in me.

This confusing dilemma drives me so, but I still continue to search for more answers, whether right or wrong.

Try, try and keep on trying.

Late Night Statements

Ah well, I don't really have anything ready to talk about. Just wasting time.

Come to think of it, there's probably not a lot of things I haven't written in my blog, save for some dark secrets.

Just so you know, I write in short paragraphs because they are just separate thoughts, I don't really have a intro, content and conclusion format going on.

But overall, I've really mentioned almost everything about myself, although not in detail. The cycle just repeats, life hasn't change that much to mention something new.

I'm still that person that uses a mind to talk instead of using the mouth.
And still wanting to talk to a girl.

But to be wishful, a girl that actually has the initiative and desire to befriend/talk with me at most times. It is indeed, a wishful thought, even if it the girl's intention to be just friends.

Regardless, that's because I have a problem talking with girls. Because I have rather peculiar interests which most people wouldn't have; and have disinterest in things common to society.

Not that I don't like talking to people with different interests than me, I just don't know what to comment or add on to that sort of conversation.

Strangely enough, maybe truly just misfortune but I happen to talk to girls who are rather, 'technologically isolated'. Seldom use of social network or even phones etc.. How do you keep in contact with them if they don't live near you?

I've been failing to try and keep a consistent communication with this girl recently and it kinda bugs. Even more introverted than me, or that she doesn't like talking to me. Got her phone number, and no reply. Tried to sit with her but it has been difficult to give priority to current friends or her.

I realised, that I'm not really fond of doing something that doesn't give apparent result. Talking to girls is like trying to figure out how to program an AI; you don't know if you're writing the correct codes so that it will response to future commands entered.

If you talk to guys, you just have to ask what's their favourite game or hobby and you're done; he'll just start telling you the tales and achievements. The next day, they will automatically talk with you with just a little push again.

With girls, it's more complicated than that, you talk to them today, you're like talking to a responsive AI. Tomorrow, you're expected to do most of the talking again.

Of course I will start to doubt my socialising skills. I would think about if it's because when I speak in mandarin, in actuality it's 40% mandarin and 60% English. But it isn't, if that's the case, why can I talk to guys without problem then?

I would understand I haven't notice this because I mostly converse with my family and they are used to the way I talk.

Ah well, I haven't talk to a lot of people recently, so I can't be sure. I type more than I speak in real life.

Although now, you could say I type even less now. I just got tired of initiating conversations with girls that will never do the same in turn.

Why? You can say I belittle myself, when you look at girls realistically, or people in general, you're not really someone that holds a special in their heart.

Closeness to people is what I'm lacking, you wouldn't really want to chat with some classmate, over your childhood friend.

I never knew how to be close to people, only how to have fun. That was my SMK era; and when I thought of making long lasting friends, I believed that meant making memorable events with them. But because of my social anxiety, the high wall I built came crumbling down.

What happened 3 years ago, this month, I can never forget. It doesn't matter if I can forgive myself or not, it's the turning point in the past I can't change, but has lead to devastating events in the future that instead forever changed my life.

I wish I could still share deeper thoughts with them, or you, like we used to. But hey, as far as I'm concerned. When I deleted my FB and Twitter accounts, I'm as good as if I didn't exist in your life before I came back.

Now? Now I just go out and observe people, and go back home.

Happy belated CNY, V-Day and any other events I missed out blogging about.