How deep is too deep?

Sigh... family arguments again, happened last Tuesday.

Not gonna explain much because i've done that on the my second post ; about Max, Terb, Jefferey and things about Amway.

Ok about that, Terb invited two of his friends to our home to meet Jefferey and help them determine their health. Max didn't like them especially members from Amway; he thinks they have corrupted Terb's mind with false hope and influence him to become a member of the company. He really doesn't like the types that seem to like boasting or advertising stuffs.

But that night my mum continuously advised him to think the other way round, finally my brother snapped and told her to shut up. I was clueless as to when has this happened because they had gone out eating leaving me with the others. I finally, only noticed their sad and pissed looks right when they came back and made me thought "Oh my god, here we go again".

Sigh what can you do when a family lacks understanding and closeness? This kind of stuff is destined to happen right after you grow up, your bond between your family gets weaker when there are less communication with each other; you kinda change, almost every time, for the worst.

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The very next day(Wednesday), woke up, saw mum still sad, makes me sad too. She explained to me why Max had argued with her and other issues about him becoming too distant from her and getting much more protective of his girlfriend (like getting irritated when only asking questions about her). She's explained to me, she's not jealous of her because Max was treating her better but, my mum is also a human being, she needs respect too. I don't know about Max and his girlfriend though, seems like they really are ignorant and selfish at some point made my mum's heart ache and for that, i too am frequently hurt to see such sad faces of my family.

All we really need are understanding, toleration and concerns between each other but as the way i have been raised, only stubbornness and ignorance grew substantially to a point it hurts to know that it seems to be too late to change, regretful and guiltiness that is. I feel being the youngest in the family has influential power over my family when comes to these thing.

Got into the train and started listening to classical musics. Thought i could ease myself during the ride but no. In front of me, i saw a father and daughter. The father looked like he is in his 40's while his daughter, maybe just 4 or 5 years old. She was the most cutest child i've seen for quite sometime. The two of them looked really close to each other; they exchanging smiles with each other and it was really just heart warming.I really enjoyed having to see them being so loving with each other, for only a moment though, until i thought about my family.

My heart started to hurt real bad.
I couldn't stop myself from missing about my past family life.
I missed being cheery with all my family when i was a kid.
And... I.. cried...
I tried to hide my tears, my face but i was bursting with feelings.
The music didn't help, it was playing a rather heart warming and relaxing tune.
I tried to resist but no, i started to silently sob.
I felt awful, i really wanted to cry out loud; to my hearts content.
It didn't last long, maybe 5 minutes or more i finally managed to recover.

That was the first time i ever cried in public, it was embarassing but i couldn't help it, keeping all this feelings will one day, i encountered something that will triggered my innermost feelings. I will and has always promise to myself that i will always have a forever-lasting love for all my family members.

Meditation for enlightenment

Went to the Buddhist shrine which is at my hometown. I haven't visited it for a very long time and had always asked my parents to go there sometime.

Literally transalted(from left to right): 10,000 Buddhas Shrine, Jing Long San

I can say that i'm not really that religious of a person but i like such environments, a place that has peace and harmony. I see Buddhism teachings as life teachings, mostly it's morality and humanity. Don't really see Buddha as a 'god' per se since he was once a man but had reached enlightenment(a heart without any negative feelings and intentions) and influenced a great number of people to learn from him. Well, most religions teaches us to not stray from the right path right? Other religions such as Christianity, Hinduism and Islam; all are following great teachings which are more or less the same advising us how to live without creating chaos and destruction with anyone.
A simple example from the Bible which i find any person should have that kind of thinking:
"Do not judge others or you too will be judged" which was what Jesus said(i guess).

A picture of my dad going the elevated floors to the shrine.

Anyways, so i was at the shrine, strolling around; there was construction going, not so peaceful as would i have thought; did some bowing to the Buddha and you know what? I asked my parents if i can meditate for a bit. I didn't really recited sutras but i was doing a simple meditation, the one that you sit on the floor, close your eyes and ..well pretty much do nothing except thinking. Yup, most of you would think it's boring but it's really interesting. As in the orientation of my college, the lecturer told me about how people will usually can't sit still and do nothing, which is when the lecturer demonstrated by putting two persons in groups and just stare each other, and proving most people will can't stand it and give up as if they are going to explode of boredom. Well i didn't, the dude i had a "stare down" with, lost to me.

A picture of my mom at the front of the shrine.

But at the shrine, a whole new experience, meditating alone in the temple was quite extroadinary, in terms of exploration of my mind; just by doing that i managed to think almost everything about my life; i mostly thought about memories and feelings continuously, which sorta helps me to understand them. I think it was only about an hour or more after having meditated before my parents wanted to go back home. Simply a wonderful experience.

One thing i realized is that it takes a lot of your mental power to do meditating so i would now advice you all who are reading this to be careful if you want to try meditating since most people can't stand it and may hurt themselves mentally in the process.

Just classical.

Listening to classical musics, oh man... i just wished i could go to a orchestra, any kind would do, really.

I can imagine the whole scenery just by listening to them on the pc; cellos, trumpets, violins and of course the piano, i would imagine them being played by the few dozens of musicians and the strict conductor, guiding the whole orchestra.

Too bad i missed the chance of 2009, the last orchestra i was planning to go and watch had it's tickets sold out. Lots of people back at my place wanted to go, i held a lot of responsibility in helping them; families and friends were disappointed at the moment of receiving the bad news, from me. I don't know about the others really feel but i felt horrible, filled with guilt and a broken mind. It was one of my friends who has watched more frequently of orchestras had asked me to go but he delayed to buy the tickets with every week passing until the very last moment.

I can't blame him, he has done nothing wrong because i think i was too excited on the event, it's really just my fault for not taking the initiative when i wanted to watch something that i have always loved listening to from the beginning of that time. I felt immense feelings of regret and felt really sorry towards all who had looked forward to.

To the people i previously invited, i apologize for my foolishness and ignorant in the matter, i'm truly sorry.