Blue Christmas

I always have looked forward to Christmas for some reason,

though it's always the time of the year my heart aches the most,

because it's the last time i truly had fun with my old friends,

it's also the time i said goodbye to my old-long crush, before new year.

it reminded me of the movie Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey,

which i cried because it emphasized the importance of loving and sharing.

Compare to CNY, this was just filled with emotional crap in it.

Annoying isn't it? Because almost everyday i complain and criticize about my status?

well i have to apologize, this is uncontrollable, i'm that sensitive about myself no matter how i rationalize it.

In fact the more i rationalize, the more my heart tries to fight back by stopping for a few virtual moments.

self-centred and crazy as i would described myself, i subconsciously believe love should be given to me,

yet i know to be loved, you must work to earn it.

Hypocritical of me? yes, bite me.

Heart: Who cares, i want her to love me without me doing anything.

Mind: Keep on dreaming.

Heart: I will but i'll also constantly annoy you until you break and let me do things my way, LIKE LAST TIME. *Evil laughter*

Mind: Over my dead body.

[READ THE WORDS BELOW FASTER]

I seriously hope that doesn't happen, AGAIN, because it's dumb and never works and also it's really creepy if the girl has no firetrucking interest in you. Seriously, just ask me about it, it'll creep you out too.

Yeeeahh, if you know me in person and read my blog,

you probably think i have a split personality or something,

well, i don't, not exactly, because this is virtual, the internet,

i can do whatever i want, no one real is gonna punch me,

probably only when we meet in real life but that's not the point,

the point is i'm emo but not that kind of emo emo,

just emotional and selfish.

Seriously, sometimes when i read back my blog, 

i want to kick my own ass for being such a whiner.

But whatever that has been said and done,

i'm still the same guy who's like a robot,

which only responds when it is interacted with.

Completely oblivious of whatever i wrote in my blog,

i never mention about my feelings unless forced to,

you know who you are, the one who used the force on me,

not that i don't like it but,

seriously awkward being my "blog self",

i felt defenceless, in other words, i felt like i wasn't wearing any clothes,

metaphorically.

Good thing it only happens when someone actually wants to talk to me,

and about me, not "for the sake of being polite" kind of talk,

screw those kinds of talks although it is still necessary nonetheless.

So. it's a good thing, it's a good thing.

Really.

Yeah, i'm kinda lonely and i need someone, 

someone whose female, shorter than me, has a funny personality, 
interested in geeky stuff, preferably good looking, likes guys like me(a loser), 
yeah i'm indicating you, imaginary friend. 

not the guys of course, screw you guys.

nah i kid,

but seriously guys, i don't need you in that way.

LIKE ME IN MA FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!

Smile though your heart is aching.

I know i've posted another version of this song, but this one is going to be my favourite version.

Update on my situation.

There isn't much going on after that night, have started to constantly feed my brain more knowledge. With the sudden extra time for me to spent, i guess i became a bit nerdy, no invitations from my friends to go out or anything in which it has given me an ample of time for myself.

No lies, but of course i like having company but being an introvert, it's nice to have time to enjoy with myself, such as in terms of studying, i choose to stay at home to study or avoid meeting friends in college if i arrive earlier than the time i should attend class. Reasons would be, the guilt of which i spent more time on the prom planning rather than my studies and i still am, no matter how hard i'm going to study, there are people who would study even harder, no offence but it kinda pisses me although at the same time motivates me to increase my effort significantly.

Anyways, to be honest, i think i have more ways to enjoy life with myself than with friends, the fact that if you want to do something with friends, you have take into consideration a lot of things i guess, like if they are going to be free, interested in it, or important and also one would have to do the planning too. I find myself, not really knowledgeable about my friends schedules and interests, which has constantly causing me to fail at planning anything for a group of friends that is larger than two people. Another a way to look at though, it probably means i'm not sociable or persuasive enough to be a leader i guess. Anyway, because of that, i appreciate the rare occasions i get to spent together with you. It's quite irritating when you know someone in that group doesn't appreciate it as much as you do but i have to stand at their side and think too, not everyone gives more than a dime about my feelings and concerns. 

I wonder if an ant would be successful inviting its elephant friends for an event it has planned for them. That's how i honestly think the influence i can make around my friends, not one bit. Yeah, i'm kinda implying the failed picnic thing i tried to plan during the holidays, my day would be ruined if not for an alternative plan was introduced, the "cola biscuit" thing at Kim's condo.

Enough about that though, life isn't so bad when i still can enjoy it with myself, things like dancing, painting, photographing, wargaming, photoshopping etc etc. I put wargaming inside because on more occasions i play with strangers rather than with friends but it's nice playing with all kinds of people. Been a long time since the last time i had an exciting battle. Oh, one last thing i enjoy doing would be blogging i guess, recently with the extra midnight time, i have been able to blog almost daily, it's nice writing just about anything that comes into mind, whether it's going to be sad or happy, i throw it all in here. It shows that i have been keeping quite a lot in my mind about the things in my life.

Love... hmm, truthfully, i'm uncertain of what it is nowadays, i can say i can control it but at the same time it's addicting, maybe because they are both separate issues. For once i can say that i'm able to control my feelings for someone, mainly because i have more important things to take care of and when think about having to add a girlfriend into the picture is going to seriously affect my life and my studies; the other reason would be i'm carefully observing and understanding what i want in that person, it would be detrimental for me if i don't listen to myself for once and when i have, it seems i wish for someone suitable, in the sense that i wish her to be in equal standing with me, the perfect average match for me. In the eyes of female readers, i guess i'm out of my league, which is why i choose not to be hasty, by such justification, i can control my emotions, only when she also meets her expectations in me, shall i look at myself without feeling unworthy for anyone.

Poetics aside, there's still always that lingering addiction of loving someone, it is embarrassing and weird to say that, i find happiness in thinking someone i would look forward to meeting. It is impossible to put into words without having it sound inappropriate but that's the way how i go through my days without feeling lonely or in other words, in absence of knowing of being loved. My problem would be that i subconsciously keep on crushing on people. It's kinda painful to me when my brain is always doing the opposite of what my heart wants to do, basically it's anything i do that intentionally will be to ignore or be cold to her.

Anyhow, i don't have anything concrete about anyone in particular, as direct as you want, you can say i'm just in denial or obviously a loser but that's how i deal with love. If girls would never shows signs of interest, neither would i, in person of course. But the good thing about it, is that it naturally prevents me from getting into a relationship, prima facie. Just to let anyone know, nobody can convince me otherwise unless a miracle happens perhaps, and miracles rarely happen.

This is Jake, letting you know that my heart's still beating, but it's flying all over the place.

I'm the watcher.

It's probably the time i ask myself this question,

where do i exactly belong in?
I pondered this problem most today (1-12-2010)

it's quite ill-mannered as i did most of the thinking when people around me were talking, sorry. But i guess too be truthful, i often wander deep into my mind which is why i constantly tell myself to get back to what's in front of me. It's usually when i drive or listening to lectures, though it's quite dangerous if i drift away too much when i drive, usually results in almost knocking someone from behind or hitting the dividers. You can say, everyday for me is always about my life and death when i drive, but i'm trying hard not to die because i still have so many things in life to look forward, well, that's life, you always have to risk something to get what you want.

Enough about that, getting sidetracked again, anyhow, although i have friends and family, there's always this problem of fitting in. It's probably not really clear when i just categorize one big group my friends but inevitably, a large group of friends will splinter off to smaller groups of friends which are certainly due to the closeness between each other. Well thanks to anyone if they think i'm considered in their group but honestly, even though, i still don't fit in.

It's nothing new, but it's something i think i have to accept now, or never. Because of my silent nature, i seem to really just watch over people, doesn't make a difference if i was with another group of people. Perhaps the most probable reason would be, i don't have alot of things in common to talk about. Either if it was a bunch of guys or with a group of girls, most of the time spent would be just watching them talk, maybe occasionally throw in a joke or two in their conversations to remind them i still exist.

I do not blame other people, in fact i appreciate the fact they welcome me in their group. I know a few would agree to me, the feeling of being left out is always there. But then again, in my case, i really should accept it's my way of life, that's who i am which quite frankly, i don't mind it as much as when i was still in secondary school. All that conviction in trying to fit in, it's not needed.

I'm the guy that will listen intently at what you talk.
I'm the guy that is always observing you,
trying to tell what you are actually feeling through the expressions of your face,
trying to give reason behind that emotion,
so that i can better understand you, even without words,
so that i can understand what you are going through.

Even it may not be slightly right, but i think i am similar to the average person, because they hide their emotions, their motives, their secrets, even if they were to talk more often than most people, there are things you will never say out at the point of time;

but that sudden stop in a sentence,
that quicker and a higher pitched response,
that slight brush of your hair,
that tilt of your head downwards,

it tells more than what you are consciously willing to tell a person.
When a persons emotions are strong, it's not hard to miss if i looked his at face a bit longer.
It's quite obvious actually, even when a person shows no emotion, usually means they are holding it back so hard that they are unable to fake their expressions without exposing what they truly feel.

But all in all, i'm just saying although i may not talk much, i still care about the people around  me, even if they are reluctant to talk about it. Ironically enough, i'm just the same as you are, but i guess i have a hard time hiding my feelings through words, probably because i seldom lie when i DO talk with someone. The usual stutter and reluctant response to a question is usually a dead give away. However, what's there to hide from when a person can go through here and read everything that is quite sensitive about me.

Frankly speaking, i don't have close friends that stick with me forever, that's the reality of my life i guess, but i guess having friends is already enough.

Bros before Hos, i still stand upon it, but i don't have anyone else to support it with me i guess. Quite sad actually but what the heck. Look at the bright side, i will forever and always have myself, and i will never leave myself behind for another college, another group of friends, another girl or another life.

Me: You promise?
Me: I promise :D
Me:  i love you, bro.
Me:  love you too.