I didn't truly celebrated Christmas, being a Buddhist and all, my family don't. Don't have friends to celebrate with, didn't want to contact any of them, especially my high school friends. College friends are far from my reach, they have their friends to celebrate with. So i spent most of the playing games and doing my assignment during the time. Kinda sad, isn't it, but i was expecting it, the friends i wanted to spent Christmas with were either all over the world, literally, or have other friends and family to spend with.
Yeah that's the downside for not having any friends close to you, either in terms of friendship or between each other.
I didn't went to Geraldine's open house, sorry if i lied to any of you, but being sick was just an excuse, i was still able to go regardless of it but i chose not to. I didn't felt as much guilt as i thought i would.
I pondered of whether to go for a long time, the thought of going there was redundant was immense, even though it meant disappointing some people, especially the person who invited me. The opportunist and pessimist in me started to ask questions.
The loneliness consumed me and i really didn't want to.
I hate driving alone, especially long distances.The thought of going there just to attend it, seemed like it won't make me any happier, at the time of deciding i already felt empty, going there would probably make it even worse. Everyone there has someone, either their loved ones are there, or they have close friends at there. I can't even fit in with friends i known longer. i just don't belong with Year 2 friends.
If possible, pass this on to Geraldine for me, i apologize for not informing her. and i'm sorry if i disappointed anyone who was expecting me to come, i just couldn't come with a frown in my heart.
Sometimes, no, all the time my feelings get fired up for tiny bit of reasons.
Controlling it from the outside is easy, mentally, it's near impossible.
I guess from scientific point of view, feelings are much more of a subconsciousness, so it's not possible to control feelings, same as trying to control the pumping of your blood from the heart.
Hmm, if i can think like rationally, probably means i'm feeling better than what is expressed in previous posts.
I would say don't mind me but heck do i know who is, yeah using blog as a method of expressing is the same as thinking out loud with people listening to you, not in the sense "loud" but mumbling to yourself kind of thinking, you know someone heard you but you don't know if that person had really cared. Believing is just a form of self-comforting, something that you think is fact but without prove of it's existence.
I just like to be as honest as possible here for i want people to learn my true side of me. Not a lot of people know me, only a few people are close to me, so even less would understand me. Through blogging, i hope that changes something, even without a doubt, after reading it, the interactions between me and you remains unchanged, but what definitely changes is the way you think about me.
Stating that "nobody understands me" is wrong too because i don't let people understand, in terms of when it's not here. It is also not true to say i'm the quiet type, i'm merely being selective when it comes to conversations, i'd only talk if i have something to add or correct. When i don't talk, it means i am either uninterested or unable to get into the conversation. But either way, i spend more time observing and commenting it to myself, or i would just suddenly doze off and think of something entirely different, in other words daydream or fantasize about something.
However, it is a habit i understand yet i dislike it so much. I would say that i want people to understand me but more than that, i want to understand other people. With such habit, it's unlikely to happen, unless someone like Junior comes around, i would only know my friends.
In the sense that i know only the surface of them, but the surface can tell a lot about a person, even personalities. But what you can't tell is after that, deep thoughts and feelings. Somehow with friends, i could never go any deeper without putting any effort in real life. There's a point in time i thought friends that have read my blog, would basically get closer, bond as i would continuously state. Reality never really works with what you think reality should work like, that would be a fictional world.
Though i wouldn't guarantee how much people will understand about me after reading my blog, because the few of them would never talk about it, probably it's because it's sensitive, or more likely it's weird to suddenly talk to each other about something like this when we never actually spoken much. But i definitely know how deep i'm writing, throughout my posts, i only wrote as deep as to my general thoughts and feelings, except for that one period of time, i would never write about more intimate feelings for someone directly, because again it's creepy, but if it was a girl who wrote like that, nah i guess it's fine. There's also my family background i don't write too deep about or comment on, hey, i just respect my family and would never dishonour it.
Then again, as far as the blogs i have followed, nobody has truly written about themselves. Please forgive me for having to say this but i generally don't read what happens to you, what trip you went to, where did you go shopping, what movie you watched, opinions of news and worshipping celebrities... and a bunch more general stuff. As i said before, this are things you would be able to tell if somebody asks you in real life. Unless you want to promote something, it's a whole different purpose of your blog and it's entirely fine with whatever you have posted.
i generally think blogs are like journals which you talk about something special, no? I guess blogs are a place for most people to dump their crap in it.
What i do read about are serious or unique or special occurrences, things that don't usually happen, things that happens once in a lifetime, things that you that will either make you so happy that you cried or things that make you so sad, you emo all day long.
The other thing i find to be even rare would be my style of writing, just among the blogs i follow, when they post about feelings or thoughts, it's most likely really conspicuous or confusing because you don't want to be direct but rather, you want to be as indirect as possible that anyone reading won't know what's going on. Basically i just skip it when i read something like, but most of the blog posts aren't as long as mine so i tend to finish them in a couple minutes. I'm complaining, but doesn't mean you have to change and more direct in your post, i understand that people can't be too open about themselves, so being conspicuous is natural, you only want release it into words. I can't say i'm open because there are still things i keep to myself, although the things i still keep are just impossible to say. I can pretty much say without being too direct that, some of the blogs i follow, i would rarely look into, and judging from what i have said, you know who it is when i'm saying, mainly everyone.
The point is that, with all said, although i would know what's happening, i'm unable to understand anyone any better with such posts. More or less, when you update your blog, it just indicates your still living your life, that's all. In a way, this a selfish view point, mostly likely it's only me who's complaining. So don't mind me, not being sarcastic but there are other's who really are interested in what you like and dislike, what you were eating or where you were going because there are people who misses you and wants to know how you are doing. I'm just being lazy because i try to understand you here rather than trying to understand you real life.
