Writing to myself again, welcome back.

I'm at that state of limbo now, when you have mixed feelings of happiness and sadness.

It's been more than a month now, since my previous post. Again, I like to keep it that way.

In some ways I'm busy, although I'm physically free from work or studies; my mind has been preoccupied by many thoughts. Again, a person having  too much time on his own develops a sort of weird habit.

Classes has started for about month now. Can't really say much but it's the usual routine only that I I have to try and do more than usual when I was in UK.

Being me and having cut off communication multiple times with some friends, I don't know how everyone has been doing these days. I only knew somethings as I came back and asked about it from a friend. Things could never have been much different from what I imagined.

Then again, it hasn't changed much, the atmosphere is still pretty much the same as before when I was in Aber; a large class and myself.

Life just goes on, the world doesn't revolve around me. I just recently talked to my mother about leaving Facebook before I created another one in UK. My family never knew quite well why. Though she understood it as I vaguely explained to her.

I never quite took the perspective from the other side as how she simply showed me.

"What if your friends did the same thing?" - I guess I would start to think that they don't want to do anything with me either, because they'll think I don't want to be friends anymore. And that's why nobody really did care much, even if they saw you in real life.

Not to forget why I did it, I'll mention it here again. I did it because it was getting seriously unhealthy for me, since I used to post status updates like nobodies business. Negative thoughts at those moments in time just keeps flowing through, typing whatever I felt like. I was addicted to Facebook in a bad way. The only thing kept from deleting it sooner was the amount of memories I created for myself and others. I just needed to move on and it was the only way possible.

Even now, I hesitate to blog here, because I know I won't write anything happy, honestly sad thoughts. But with a loner's life, you just have to pour your heart's dirty blood somewhere.

On to the second part.

Since there's absolutely no time for a nice chat when I go to college now. Making friends through online seems like my only option, although it's not really a good option. Trying to be real and honest is 'virtually' very difficult. I met this girl in class, was a friend of a friend but never actually talked in real life. So I decided to add and chat her on FB. 

Long story short, she's not much of a typer and not as free as most people are. Regardless, because I've always regretted not doing anything to show how I feel directly to a person, I made hasty invitation. Ever since then, we've never chatted and I deleted her from my list. Surprisingly, I didn't regret asking her out.

Now, now I'm just a tiny bit optimistic and hopeful. A girl who messages me first on a forum, a once in a lifetime miracle happened. We've never met but somehow, I just don't want to let go of her just yet, I might have actually found someone who has time to talk and probably wants to. It was very important to me because of my lifestyle. There's not much I can say, I just have to be patient and careful this time. But patience for love hasn't been one of the things I'm good at.

If she's not the one, then at the least I want to meet her. To say thanks for lending her time for me, even though it was just for a bit.

Subconsciousness is a b*tch.

Some times you think you have gotten over a thing that happened in the past and you've already moved on, you might have thought wrong.

(Hey, I'm back, haven't updated for a loooong time, cause, well, life's been great, solo-tastic.)

Since I went to UK, I've given the "OK" to myself to consider going out with someone I'm interested, there's various reasons but mainly cause my studies weren't going to be affected that much anymore and soon I'll have to 'step into the real world' anyways.

I've kept my promise to my parents and did good. I've graduated with a Second Upper Class. I'm happy that my family is proud of me, but doesn't seem a grand achievement when most of us gotten it with the difficulty not as most people have perceived.

But I digress, I'm sure it is my limited view of other classmates for my opinion. In any case, not saying I'm alone, but I was pretty much living with myself for 9 months. Contrary to might what people think, I was quite relieve that I'm rid off most societal interactions and just be free in my own world.

I was truly being myself, but I guess that's the problem. More or less, it weakened any bond that I have with friends that are not within my near location, and even my might have cut them off from my life.

For the time right now, it is impossible for me to know more people, and so the possibility of a date happening would just be a miracle.

Well, my "not having a relationship for my entire life" wouldn't be a problem, because I've let fate decide that for me. The problem is my stupid subconsciousness.

I have been having annoying dreams lately, dreams about the girl I've liked in the past going out with someone from my past that I've never met for years. I wake up feeling like crap and felt like that for much of the day, which affects my daily activities.

It's strange, you think you got over a person, but the past seems to come back to haunt you. What does it take to be rid of it, completely?

With my personality and my promise, no relationship was possible. But I guess some part of me do regret the decisions I make.

It is as people say, if you didn't make things clear, show how you truly feel, you will always wonder what could have happen and regret the chances you had lost for the rest of your life.

Hah, you'd thought removing every physical and digital things that reminded you of them, they will slowly fade away from your mind. But as long as it has been scarred into your brain, you'll remember whether or not you want to or not.

Unrequited loves suck.

Nothing to update = good thing.

Yeah, just telling myself, there's nothing to blog about. In other words, nothing to grief/whine/criticise about.

Which is good, means I'm busy and worrying less about myself and being single. Seeing what relationships have to go through to stay together, I don't think it's worth my effort to force myself to change and pursue love, when there's no mutual feeling, not even one bit.

Living quite comfortably with myself, and I mean just caring for myself. I need to be able to stand on my own whatever the situation is, before I'm capable of helping others. I don't want to see friends as just stepping stones to a social life, but to help each other equally. I'd rather stay away then be a burden to them.

Good day then, to my readers and myself.