Lives' full of waiting and being waited.

You know what's weird about? Is that i thought finishing my examinations, life would definitely be less of work and stress for me, well again and again, nothing seems to be always as wished and expected from me of my life.

Since the final examination for my studies is not as stressful as it should be, i would still find myself busy with house chores, hanging out more with friends and still managed to scrape some time for studying. Yet behind every action, there's always, "The Wait Game" which we all play in our lives; it's either you are the one waiting or being waited by somebody else. For an example from me, I would wait for exams to finish even though it's extremely boring since during that period time of waiting i had already run through the syllables for more than several times. Another example would waiting for friends to do something together like singing karaoke, hang outs or just plain old study.

Well these are the specific ones of the "Wait Game", if you move backwards a bit and look it at a wider range of sight; you're waiting to get decent jobs from higher education; you're somehow waiting friends to become good friends and later wait to become close friends or best friends, or some rare cases you might even wanted it to become more than just friendship. Or i should just simplify it into one sentence, we're just waiting time to pass by so that something might happen or change.

Finished exams, what's next? Wait for the results, and while i'm waiting for that, im waiting to be with my friends together in classes again, waiting to say goodbye to the one's i won't be seeing much more often. If i have to talk about waiting, it'll definitely be endless. In conclusion, you will always have to wait for something either bad or good.

About the karaoke last Thursday, even though it may seem we had fun during that time, to be really honest, lots of things are missing and changing. Just from that event, it spelt conclusion of the reasons, the changes, the effects happened to our group of friends. In comparison with before, 7 people are just too little to have enough accumulated excitement. Why most of them didn't come are certainly just obvious reasons that are acceptable and can be ignored completely. However, because of that, for me it was clearly showing, what has changed these recent months, i wished it was mostly good but there's no denying the truth that we are just being over-sensitive and over-ignorant about each other.

Sometimes i think it's just overreacting, dwelling too deeply into doubts which then creates your own illusions and blocking what's truly the reason behind those doubts. Where both opposing parties have such doubtful minds, it is only through a third parties point of view; their views, which are not be tainted by the sides, can clearly see through their flaws in their heart against each other.

Even though, us, the third parties that can interpret without being swayed by the opposing parties' clouded minds, we can never be successful to prevent, judge nor advise them from falling into their own battles and traps until an event that may finally make our words reach their hearts or just by self-realizing what they have done was always been wrong but then again, their minds are chained-locked between opposing sides and the third parties themselves, whether they want to realize the fact earlier or not, depends not on us but themselves.

I wanted to help you,

but in actuality or unnoticeable of my actions ,

I crave to be with you.

even if subconsciously i truly wish to deny it.

But through this guise of being your friend,

you do not dare to believe my warnings yet it is inevitably possible,

He may have always been good to people,

though my doubtful mind, always cautioned me of a similar past,

yet, so easily the past, clouds my mind that thinks of you.

You and I will be deaf to the words of nobody,

we only believe our thoughts and hearts even if they may betray us.

However, there is always that game we all play,

where we all wait for the truth to come,

be it for you or me.

Post No.100

It's been a full week since i posted random facts about me and to think the next post would be the 100th, yay. I would talk crap about my day but i guess i'll just summarize it in one sentence - Less stress about exam since it's almost over, much more excited of the coming plans for the holidays, i had a really good week with college pals. So below, are just some things i've always wanted to write in this week but never had the chance until now.

How long has it been since i started blogging... probably only a little bit more than 7 months and i've already reached the 100th post, but i will always be reminded of what the first post and the subsequent ones after it, what made to start bloggin; to start opening myself from a different way to other people which would almost be impossible in reality. However, it started with much grief over family & friends, i was so emo that i think the posts that expressed my sadness and every negative crap, were almost as childish and naive as the secondary school of me.

I have to admit though, only much recently, i felt.. something changed.. although i still can't truly notice what it is but something definitely change, from whatever recently i have encountered in college. It almost seems like i had finally be able to see a different view in life; the usual way of thinking of love, friends, family was ever changing so fast, back and forth, again and again until i managed to understand to think from another person's POV(point of view) and not only from mine; how everyone may think and feel of whatever i'm doing or whatever they are doing in every single situation.

Currently, don't think much about why i can't get girl but i would rather think much more about how being single can truly be great sometimes. Seriously although there are times i would think why i wouldn't hit on a girl is probably because, i just don't want to, maybe subconsciously. I pretty much like just having 'girl' friends rather than trying hard to get have a relationship or something, honestly now i would think it's just that nice being single not that i'm saying being in a couple is bad, in fact it's even better too. I would say this.. because just observing couples, i can sense some things that a couple would share with each other and not with others which truly seems sweet.

Thinking back, i have thought a lot about love for quite an amount of time i guess so i pretty much know what's good about it what's bad about it, aside from the usual "You can only look at her/him and no one else." problem, sooner or later to maintain a relationship you probably can't just have love for each other, you may need the important things like - conviction to maintain the relationship, determination to improve the relationship, tolerance with each other, understanding towards each other, trusting each other, share almost everything with each other, etc. All in all, a lot of responsibilities to uphold if you're serious about a girl/guy. Even if one of these you don't managed to achieve, you'll see that your relationship will become shaky.

Sigh, that's probably one of the reasons i think i'm naive, so i have thought this through hard and long so i think i'm still not ready yet, heck, i already have problems with friends, forget about getting girls, i have to maintain my friendships first hahah. Again though, i seriously wish friends would be more willing to trust each other because.. there's always some things that you can only tell a friend and maybe not even your family, that's why again, i said being single and having great friends are one of the best things i could have in life, without them, i probably will go back to being emo and lonely.

Hence, i put respect and trust towards my friends, no matter how they would treat me back or not, in my heart, i'd still say "yo, we friends, that's all it matters.". It is too, part of my way of thinking and moral teachings of my religion.

Even if a person you hate or don't like, a person that has negative intentions or thinkings towards and against you; be it your family, your friend or even your enemy; You, shall treat that person, as good as any kind and caring person would have. To show neither hate nor anger towards that person, would be one of the greatest challenges a man could overcome, such would be an indication of being a person, not a beast.

In the past i've always have a doubtful mind towards friends, unable to fully trust them, always thinking things that are made up by myself. Well now i guess i just don't really care about much how i think about friends anymore because.. i've lost so many good friends in the process. Now, i guess i'm just thinking how much longer can we see each other.. hopefully much more longer than would expect.

Running out of posts, talk about college friends i guess.

Since recently, i've been totally brain tired, with all those mindless studying day in day out, i think i used too much of my brain each day that i don't have anymore spares left for other uses, while writing this is one, i probably using the last bits of mental strength to do so, pathetic eh?

Well because of that, i think every time when i wanted to blog, i find myself out of ideas or out of thoughts as to what the hell should i bore people with? It's so bad that i think i'm having short-term memory losses these past few days.

Stress is one way to say its reasons but little by little i realize they are self-made and this stress thing slowly disappears. Self-made-stress probably are about love, relationships, responsibilities; the main ones i guess happens when you overly think about them as in technically, it is not as big as problem you think it is. True, sometimes(or often) i have stressed myself about not being acknowledged or loved as much as i want from people around me and it really feels really real and true, however if i try harder not to give in to my emotions and think for a second, i probably would it foolish of how i was behaving according to my emotions; i give in to my emotions to easily, too many times and moments of realizations of such facts are always too late to say "i was wrong on the outside and inside of me".

Well i'm kinda half conscious and half sleep, the things below i write might be deep thoughts about people around me recently, especially the college pals.

Junior

Probably one of the closest friends i made recently and a friend i trust and respect. What i really like about him is that he tends to be understanding of what other people feel and thinks and through that, tries to cope with them and make them comfortable while being with him. Maybe because of that i find myself able to sort of connect with him easily even though some things may not necessarily be relevant with each other.Though recently he's been kinda down, maybe the recent exams had hit him harder mentally and emotionally than i thought, well i can't do much to help him if he doesn't tell me what's troubling him, all i can probably do now is give some spiritual support, hope the obsidian crystal would help him in some way spiritually possible. It just gets me down too when a friend's not feeling good especially when i heard one of his close friends passing, i probably took a dive with him too, thinking "damn, just yesterday we had a good time, and suddenly this happened". Couldn't study properly, probably for a few days until i know he was a bit ok. He's a really nice person, a jolly good friend to have, i would say.

Kean Hoe

I would say he's a friend anyone would want to have; friendly, kind, generous. I think most friends in college i made are of this category but i find few of them that are truly nice like KH for an example. Sometimes I wonder how a person can turn out to be good while some turn out to be rotten eggs. True though, i always wonder what they are thinking, as probably i am sort of a half pessimistic-half optimistic guy, i tend to think bad thoughts about the person and maybe much more later, i would try to think good thoughts. Bad thoughts like "is he really doing this out of his heart?" and later good thoughts "i believe there's still good people like him out there." always runs through my mind when thinking about a person's true heart. Since because of my lack of communicative skills, like anyone i am in contact with All in all, KH is a great guy and probably same for all other's, i would like to know him better.

Marcus

Honestly, he's one of the coolest guy i have ever met, i'd say a real man hahah but seriously, like most of any other friends in college, he's made up of that goody stuffs that people would normally like. Since he's a year older than me, i find myself seeing him more of my senior rather than a "Junior" (lame joke, i know). Well, in truth, i learned a lot of things from friends even if just by interacting with them but i guess Marcus literally teaches me stuff; probably most of the time i speak english with him which generally mine sucks but he's one of the few persons i would have a chance to improve my english language. Like recently, he taught me how to play Warhammer (a tabletop miniature wargame) although technically useless stuff in real life but something that really gets my interests. Though, like any other friends i first would have met, i immediately assume he's hiding something, i probably will always have that thinking of everyone will have a mask to hide behind, the only difference is that how much is it covering up that persons face, i know i have one, probably only hides half of my face.

To be pathetically honest, i'd say only the three mentioned can be considered close or good friends and i'm assuming this thoughts are mutually similar for them too but i could be all too wrong about this, maybe it's just me but that's what i truly think i guess, words written here probably sound empty and fake but that's my only way expressing fully, it's almost impossible for the words like "i would like to thank you for being my friend" to come out from mouth and tell it in front of you, that's just gay.

May Jean

A true happy-go-lucky person? she's right here in this college and i managed to find two of such a rare breed(the other one being Kim), hahah. Hard-working, responsible and all that good stuffs makes MJ too with abit of that extra sensitivity of a girl, she's your typical 'innocent' girl. AGAIN to be pathetically honest, she's probably the first female friend i managed to have as a friend and able to have a bit more lengthly conversations with her when all the while before in secondary school i'd only greet and most of the later times, avoid contact with girls (i WAS emo, and maybe still a little bit). Wow, after writing that i think i'm REALLY noob in all of this stuff, saddening isn't? Aside from looks, i found her to have stressed herself too much over responsibilities and whatnot and at the same time, still trying be her normal self. Recently, only basing from my observations and inferences, she had busied herself with all the exams and don't even give herself much time for a break from it. OR maybe it's just me, what do i know? I'm anti-social, period.

Kimberley

Sometimes i think to myself, i should not have made friends with girls, at all; maybe because there's girls like Kim, these kinds, although having good stuffs like friendly, the MAYBE bad thing about it is that sometimes it might be considered TOO friendly. OR maybe i'm just timid but a girl that gets close to you like nothing's wrong while you're doing something or what, i'd think i would have the following thoughts of "What the poop!?" or "OMG, what's she doing so close!?" or my personal favourite "Uhhhhh.. ok.. just ignore her, Jake , maybe she'll go away". Well truth be told, it's not that bad once you get use to it, it's just her way of expressing herself, a carefree, kind, friendly and all that goody stuffs that she has. Oh and not to mention probably one of my third or second female friend i've considered to have recently made (again that sounds so pathetic).

Damn have to stop spouting out this poopy stuff. Anyways i'll postponed this 'confession' thing for now and i would like to say thank you and sorry to all my friends(i know i did this before but....); thank you for being a good friend to me even though i suck at being one and because of that i'm sorry for not able to be much of a friend or able to return back your kindness.