Can' remember or don't want to remember?

Hahahah, do you realise how far down "love" is on the list of things I can do?

Hilarious.

Given the way I've been living, it's a miracle that there are still friends that talk to me.

I wonder how quick it was the number of friends I have dwindled down since this year.

I don't even remember half of the things that had happened this year, the classes on my second year are as cloudy as my memories during secondary school years.

Did it passed so meaninglessly? Recalling it gives me a headache. Silly me, I have my blog. 

Though I'm not sure I want to remember.



In other news

Feeling better nowadays, mainly because I have other things to look forward.

I've bought a couple of shirts online, found out I like online shopping, most laziest shopping one can do. Let's hope I have enough for CNY.

The next best thing I look forward to, is getting my own bow. The archery club I joined had set up a trip to a place called Wolverhampton where a shop called BowSports to have us all get our own archery gear this Wednesday.

It's very costing though, I need to spend about 250 pounds inlcuding other things than just the trip. Another way of looking at it though, that is how much one army of miniatures that I play costs. So technically I'm buying another army, in the form of a kick-ass bow.

If you looked at my calender, you would think I'm some sort of maniac(maybe already am) because I wrote "archery" a lot in it. To be clearer, it's on the days that I have a session to train. Though I also calculated how many days is that (82). Still normal.

You could say it's only pure passion that's driving me to pursue archery. When there's so little you can do for fun here, the few you have becomes the things you constantly have in mind.

It's only because of this reason or at least mostly, that I will miss Aberystwyth a lot. The club members with positions will definitely be people who I'll remember even if they won't get to know me much, but I guess being the only committed Asian member might make me stand out.

But I'm here only for less than a year, then I have to say my goodbyes, goodbyes that may prove to last a very very long time.

The mind continues to wonder off.

A test of my faith in myself? Perhaps.

There's these rare times I feel good being alone. I don't know why, but.

Whatever people are doing, they don't affect you, neither do you.

You just feel them; the people, the world around you, as if you were able to drift in that feeling.

Even though now, as I write, the kitchen is as noisy as usual but I couldn't care more than the previous times it is. If life is going to be like,well, I'm just going to embrace it.

I'm tired, but the 'good' kind of tired. Like the worries of the world momentarily loses its weight.
Feeling at peace.

Sometimes you wonder, if someone finally falls in love with you and you fall in love with her too. Would this feelings slowly, disappear?

You would only think of her, what's best for each other, what's it going to be like with her. An emotional obsession. Would this 'freedom' disappear?

For that matter, do I really need a girlfriend then? A relationship?
Thinking much about my past, when you're with yourself, things gets grey. No right and wrong path, just the path that suits you.

One thing I do know, is you can't stop feeling love. I love a lot of things although I give the impression that a girl is pretty much the thing often resides in my mind.
I love my family, although I don't show it.
I love life itself, regardless of its gruesome and cold side.
I love music, the thing that accompanies me most of the time.
I love creating, either art, story or videos.
I love games and anime, you could actually say my moral standings is shaped mainly by them.
I love studying, despite I find ways to reduce it, it's really just because it's not my top priority in life.

Last but not least, I love myself, the only person I try my best to make him happy. You could say this is sort of my conscience, my brain speaking to my heart or soul. The only person who understands me and, is always there for me. Might explain why I always look at my own hand for a good amount of time.

This increasing solitude just makes me realise, this 'loving someone' is really just my human instinct. It's not true love if I just jump around girls so frequently. It's just a feeling of needing someone to understand you, which is not alot of people do. They try; either they fail or I avoid confrontation.

One thing people will come to understand is close or best friends don't last once they found someone, at least not a lot. Whether or not they understand your situation or not, they just don't have the time for you.

With my 'unique' personality, I don't get a lot of people to understand me, or rather it's more of being misunderstood actually.

People change I guess, when once I enjoyed having a lot of friends, and now, I only cherish the ones that are true to me. I'm more quiet than I ever was, a sign of anti-social? No, I just like peaceful environments.

I came to UK, knowing well the time that I usually sleep will make me sleep early, something I want to take advantage of. Yet most people, here in my flat change for the worse, you'd actually sleep even later if you were in Malaysia.

I don't like to call myself mature, I'd even hate to admit. But somehow the things I'm interested seemed so different from people around my age. Is my mind growing older than my body? Or are people just more carefree of life?

Maybe some part of me have matured, or numbed, or got bored with something people normally enjoy. I have a slight tendency to like things not a lot of Malaysians do. But, am I not Malaysian? Is the ways my family have been living so different?

This outside world is so unknown and strange to me.

Hey.

Off topic sentence here:

If you want to, we can talk like normal people talking through the internet. There is no need for indirect implications that leaves me wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Either way, reading anything from here is just mentally bad for yourself and others (like I said, I know), This blog is my dump site for emotional crap that I eventually forget about. If I'm that despicable or pathetic to know, it shouldn't be hard for you to stop reading.

Anyways, I like to update on more practical stuff.

Cooking, I've been learning to make sandwiches by just randomly experimenting with different kinds of meat, marinating them the same to see which tastes best, so far it's either beef or pork that tastes the nicest. I've been getting the hang of making omellete too, I realise 3 eggs is always the minimum to mix vegetables into it or else there won't enough egg for it to stick with.

It has by far saved me a lot of money on food. Although sandwiches is not the only things I make, it's the most easiest and fastest way to fill my tummy.

My hobby on minis is finally progressing at a satisfying rate now, it has been keeping me company most of the time. I've bought all that I want and it is just a matter of having the time to finish them all. I miss the shop back home, the club here has a very limited time to play and I'm busy around those days.

Busy as in on Wednesday I have archery to practice. So moving on to shooting arrows, Those few times I get to practice is very precious to me, I like it alot even though the couple doesn't come often because I genuinely wanted to become good at it. I look forward to the day I have could happily say "I own a bow". The coach that is teaching is not bad either, I realise everything about shooting an arrow has a factor to keep the mind onto, like the posture of your body, position of the arms, flexibility of the arrow, strength of the limbs of the bow etc...

Regardless, I have rather weak fingers when I pull the string of the bow and weak arm strength. Have been doing push ups and bought myself a shooting glove ever since.

There will be a beginner's competition soon and I like to join it.

It's just the initiation process for the club that I don't look forward to.