Each Day, Each Jake.

People don't change much, at least at the core of us all.

I read back some of my posts again, feeling nostalgic again I guess.

Changed the title to my blog again, it's somehow correct to say that. I'm always finding who I really am.

"It's been a while, how are you doing?"

Is what I haven't said for a long long time. If you didn't notice, either I'm talking to myself or to you, I kept changing my privacy setting back and forth.

There's some reasons to it, though it's mainly just sometimes I don't want people to immediately see my posts, given that they are very emotional/personal in nature. But then, because I keep doing this, it messes up the blog list and people can't see the latest posts, including myself.

So I have no idea who's watching even with the stats telling me those few views, some from UK and some from M'sia. But there's still no way to tell if it's really someone I knew or just traffic passing by.

Was it you or was it you?

Whether or not if you're reading, if no one responds - it's the same as talking to a wall or writing a journal per se.

Hahahah, I'm not even sure this helps my sanity though.

But I write because I really felt like I had to.

People say it's less awkward confessing something virtually. But I guess in my case, people feel angered or creeped out by me. No average person dares to write stuff as sensitive as the opinion of a certain friend, unless you're a jerk I guess.

Technically, I am one albeit I'm not in real life nor is it my intention to be one. I'm an honest person when I write, especially when I talk to a wall, hahah. Seriously I just sneered to myself, crazy ain't it?

Anyways, I'm feeling better with each passing day after Friday. Of course there is always the reminder of having need to study but it's just not the same as having to tolerate social life. 

However, I think this is temporary since after exams I plan to better myself by being more 'interactive' with people in the college.

This is to cure my fear of expecting bad things from interaction. I believe the more I text or message other people, the less likely I want to talk the person in real life. This is at the moment, very hard to distinguish whether it's because exams are nearing or is it really my anti-social problem.

Nevertheless, I plan to talk to people on the phone instead of messaging. Small steps but I like to start with hearing voices first then look at someone in the eyes later. 

I'd also like to take my role as a planner and leader again. From another perspective, I could see that no one wants to unite each other and form a larger bond OR it's just the usual leaders were either not here or they never really were. I know this is a very bold challenge I have to take but I have to face rejection head on and accept it, AND THEN challenge it again and again and again.

I have to disregard the fact I will feel people that will find me annoying until it is proven beyond reasonable doubt. It is whether I will be remembered as an anti-social loser OR remembered as an annoying "leader".

So I have 3 or more months of semester break, I believe I can at least try to unite everyone for a couple of times before I depart for UK. Even if they go back to their hometown....

I

 Will

    Find

      A Way

        To Get

            EVERYONE BACK.

And I will restore myself to my former "GLORY". 

In this darkest times, if my friends can't give me strength, I will muster my own and give it to them, whether they like it or not.

Either you (my doubt) triumph or I will prevail.

And I 'will' previal.