Why can't I just move on?

There are times, I just want to stay away from Facebook, permanently. There are things I don't want to know, yet regardless, my curiosity gets the best of me, even when I deliberately restrict my area of view.

But through time and time, it's because there is, too many memories inside this account of mine. Deleting my account would mean destroying years of efforts put into memories, something I can hardly foresee of the furthest extent of the resulting consequences if I were to do so.

The Facebook now, is only a constant reminder of who I am now. Still stagnant, hardly ever changing, for the better.

How I wish I could turn back time and make things right. But that is impossible, or something I shouldn't even think about.

When is this feeling going to end? Every good intangible feelings that I have, is that not enough? Can it not be on par with being loved by someone?

I feel so greedy, I have all the things that I normally have, but that one thing I don't, makes the others worthless.

F*ck this, it feels like I'm having PMS or something. Is this how a guy should feel? Why can't I feel better the day afterwards like any other guy?

Why can't I just move on?

As saddening as it is, I like the game.

I've had this song since who knows when, maybe a few years back. But I never did think I would be able to play it cause back then I didn't have the Wii console.

But I'm glad my brother bought one. The gameplay is average but the enemies creep me out that's for sure. Which comes to the awesome story that makes it worth my time. A story of a boy who once lived with his grandfather together but after he had passed away, the young boy sets out on a journey to the east to find survivors in this post apocalyptic world.

I would say I liked it more in a bias sense, because the "people" that the boy meets, they all have their unique stories to tell but simple ways of expressing their points in life. What makes it bias for me is that their stories, are easy to relate to myself. But more specifically, it tells of the people how they cope with such an empty world  and memories attached to objects(the boy collects) - telling pasts lives.

I still haven't played through much, but there has been a lot going through my mind lately, partly because I've just recently finished Deus Ex: Human Revolution, a game that forces you to make decisions based on your moral, political and rational views.

What's going through my mind in the end? A simple question that repeats itself,  "How's my life?".
Judging from the previous post, I guess not so much inside, but, there really isn't anything insufficient in my life; a family, a purely academic life, and enjoying entertainment in various forms.

The things I didn't mention? A social life that I am content with. Because of the mistakes I made and the path I took onwards, I've lost a couple of things. Mostly intangible, I lost the will to "bond" with initiative; mainly because I realize my influence does not reach far as I've thought exaggerated in the past, during A-levels to be more specific; it was merely my naive perception of things. But of course, this is the result of when one does not take initiative to nurture friendship, and I thought first year was holding up, but it was already a mirage. As quickly as the friends that "connect" between groups leaves, the separation becomes clear, you're left with who you stick with the most. The relation between the groups as good as being classmates, if not strangers. No one took the initiative or the commitment to do something as simple as a gathering. But it is the way the cookie crumbles. It just means we never really wanted to stay in that level of intimacy at such an amount of people.

But this is all bearable, despite my constant reminding of myself, because we all need to remind of ourselves what the whole picture actually looks like every once in a while. What is not bearable is the absence of a person to talk about something you wouldn't normally tell, not even your closest buddies. Guys would never have the tolerance nor the understanding, that's why I rarely and hardly tell guys the whole story.

Regardless, I'm not so sure anymore, the main concern is interest in the end. Sadly, the good conversations I had was only in the past, mostly virtual but they feel more intimate, more real. I guess I made too many mistakes, the people to talk to gets lesser, conversations gets lesser, it gets shorter; as If losing interest and setting a distance between me furthermore. I guess this realisation made me hollow, because all I can do now is have small talks.

Love, another important factor to my life, nothing really to comment about except that it pains me from time to time. You would be annoyed your friends which are couples shows intimacy in front of you, but really, everywhere I go, couples and groups of friends, annoys me every now and then. People you like, either clueless that you like them or obviously avoiding you. If love can't be as simple as just needing to hint each other that they love each other, then I might as well be single as long as until I get a job. Frustrating as it is, there's nothing really to do about, if no girl is in anyway interested, then I don't think it's rational for me to go to lengths to make her interested in me.

If only I was born during older days, love between my parents were so simple as "love at first sight", so freaking simple.

I can't even keep a promise to myself, aye?

It's been 4 months, I never thought to myself I would come back here again, but it seemed necessary now with what is the current situation.

Things do have gone for the worst, my mind continues to deteriorate, in the sense that I've further lost hope of this period of my life in a normal social life. With no one to really rely on to talk about this or any of my personal feelings, blogging seems to be next best alternative at the moment.

I care not who reads this, I've tried deleting this blog but somehow it persists to stay and giving me the option to undelete it. Even as it is open to all to read, I have a strong feeling I'll write stuff that won't please anyone reading it. So please, ignore anything I write here and go on with your lives, the negative sentiments is not worth your mind's effort to work upon.

Year 2 of my degree, I had a glint of hope things would be for the better, my old friends would be back, old wounds would be healed and forgotten, another chance to restore lost friendship. That was, what I thought, and as would my past experience has told me, anything would not be to my expectation.

Of course I wasn't ignorant of reality, my old friends were not as would've been the same, they've changed and mostly, they have their other half to tend to. The others.. the gap between them and I were as clear as sun rise of the dawn clearing shadows of the night. If it was not for the ones that had left for the foreign country, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone who had no use nor the common interest to be shared.

It just shows, how detrimental it can be to be unsocial. Facebook gives you an illusion that it can be an alternative to help strengthen your friendship when you aren't able to in real life. You're just going to be treated differently, looked upon differently.

Regardless, I'm ultimately at fault, the one obstacle that hinders the others and my old friends connecting with each other. Due to my foolish comments, my stupid choice of words and my self-righteous nature, I've caused more damage than I've expected. I still regret the day I hurt her feelings and I still feel that, both of them would never truly forgave me, nor could I. They would gaze away from me as if disgusted whenever we bump into each other. It was silly of me, on the first class, I thought I could sit with them, but I was effectively ignored. How sad I was, I could not express it out, there was no anger in me, just a sad realisation.

I've endured it, even thinking that the weekly wargaming can help distract myself from the daily "torture" i go through. Most of the time, I'd spent sitting in the class, hoping to only concentrate on lecturer in front of me, ignoring the fact that I only talk to Marcus when he is able to do so with his spare few minutes. The other.. just rarely came to classes and I grew distant from him, he's changed, someone similar to my brother but naive, very naive.

There are still also others, but I've never had any to see them, so much as to know how they are. Practically, living their separate lives. I find myself retreating ever more, what would become of my mental state in the end, I'm not sure. But I grow weary when I don't talk in college, I become more stressed out and will sometimes vent my feelings onto my family.

As far as I am concerned, this is another challenge in life, I've begun to rely on myself, stand on my own two feet. Only to look back to check how far have I tread. A life with no one to rely on about feelings, is still a life worth living. I'm mentally at war with myself as always but I will never give in, not without a fight. In a way I have said to myself, if other people were in my shoes, they wouldn't last a minute with this chaotic mind.