It's been 4 months, I never thought to myself I would come back here again, but it seemed necessary now with what is the current situation.
Things do have gone for the worst, my mind continues to deteriorate, in the sense that I've further lost hope of this period of my life in a normal social life. With no one to really rely on to talk about this or any of my personal feelings, blogging seems to be next best alternative at the moment.
I care not who reads this, I've tried deleting this blog but somehow it persists to stay and giving me the option to undelete it. Even as it is open to all to read, I have a strong feeling I'll write stuff that won't please anyone reading it. So please, ignore anything I write here and go on with your lives, the negative sentiments is not worth your mind's effort to work upon.
Year 2 of my degree, I had a glint of hope things would be for the better, my old friends would be back, old wounds would be healed and forgotten, another chance to restore lost friendship. That was, what I thought, and as would my past experience has told me, anything would not be to my expectation.
Of course I wasn't ignorant of reality, my old friends were not as would've been the same, they've changed and mostly, they have their other half to tend to. The others.. the gap between them and I were as clear as sun rise of the dawn clearing shadows of the night. If it was not for the ones that had left for the foreign country, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone who had no use nor the common interest to be shared.
It just shows, how detrimental it can be to be unsocial. Facebook gives you an illusion that it can be an alternative to help strengthen your friendship when you aren't able to in real life. You're just going to be treated differently, looked upon differently.
Regardless, I'm ultimately at fault, the one obstacle that hinders the others and my old friends connecting with each other. Due to my foolish comments, my stupid choice of words and my self-righteous nature, I've caused more damage than I've expected. I still regret the day I hurt her feelings and I still feel that, both of them would never truly forgave me, nor could I. They would gaze away from me as if disgusted whenever we bump into each other. It was silly of me, on the first class, I thought I could sit with them, but I was effectively ignored. How sad I was, I could not express it out, there was no anger in me, just a sad realisation.
I've endured it, even thinking that the weekly wargaming can help distract myself from the daily "torture" i go through. Most of the time, I'd spent sitting in the class, hoping to only concentrate on lecturer in front of me, ignoring the fact that I only talk to Marcus when he is able to do so with his spare few minutes. The other.. just rarely came to classes and I grew distant from him, he's changed, someone similar to my brother but naive, very naive.
There are still also others, but I've never had any to see them, so much as to know how they are. Practically, living their separate lives. I find myself retreating ever more, what would become of my mental state in the end, I'm not sure. But I grow weary when I don't talk in college, I become more stressed out and will sometimes vent my feelings onto my family.
As far as I am concerned, this is another challenge in life, I've begun to rely on myself, stand on my own two feet. Only to look back to check how far have I tread. A life with no one to rely on about feelings, is still a life worth living. I'm mentally at war with myself as always but I will never give in, not without a fight. In a way I have said to myself, if other people were in my shoes, they wouldn't last a minute with this chaotic mind.
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