A month of geekiness.

Study, it's probably the first thing and the last thing on my schedule nowadays. 


Morning, i wake up, brush my teeth, wash my face, expel unwanted liquid, tone & lotion my face, change my clothes, eat breakfast, gel my hair, prepare my bag and then off i go. Where? Study at classes, study at college, do homework at college and go back home and repeat the whole morning process again for the night.


Feels like i'm turning into a robot or something. Well, it's not that i don't want to relax myself, it's just that i don't how when i have nothing else to do. Exams coming and studying is all that comes to my mind; i don't have a car which means even more time spent at home either try to study or simply just sit my ass on the chair and facebook, twitter..


I've never been this hardworking before but even still i don't think i have worked hard enough, there's still a lot of blanks in my mind about things, still a lot of memorizing to be done. There doesn't seem to be enough time and enough effort for anything i do to work. It's always not enough.


But you know what, i don't seem to have a choice, but i don't seem to be really bothered about it. I'm just a guy that likes moving with the flow of the river, wherever it flows, i'll be dragged, when i want to reach to that destination which does not makes me swim against the river, i'll even swim harder to the destination, you know what i mean?


It's not like i don't want to go karaokes, movies and what not, it's just that i have obligations and restrictions either enforced by myself or fate. I understand this and i accept it, i also understand that others have their bumps on the road of life, sure i would still be impatient and annoy people for my needs but after a while, i would understand and just let it be.


You can say i'm almost carefree about life, i do what i want to do but i let fate decide the time and date for me, makes life easier. I really want to just relax, but i can't, subconsciously, i just push myself to study, i'd tell myself to study, doesn't matter what it is as long as i'm able to study, other things you can throw them aside and just, study. That's why i don't believe in finding the right time to do something, only the right chances and they can be found all the time as long as you let it be. One day i'll have the chance to sing karaoke, one day i'll have the chance to focus on wargaming, one day i'll have the chance to hang around and just chat with my lovely friends for a long time, one day we'll have the chance to go on a trip together again. It's only a matter of fate or where else some of you would believe such chance is planned by God and we shall wait for it to happen. Either way, we're all going to happy at the end, unless your an emo, hahah.


This final examination is important, i know it from the deepest depths of my mind, that's why like how i reject love, i will not reject study even my hearts tells me to. We all want something in our lives. but it takes a lot of guts to admit and suppress it.


Don't worry, be happy~~

When your heart thinks for you.

Ignorance is bliss. You hear it all the time, but do you really think only the ignorant will be able to do it?


Making the right and wrong decisions, to be honest, i didn't dwell much into it or plan to. I have always simply decide it right away on the surface. But there's always people that think deeply of it, like what extent of right is of an action until it becomes wrong and if it was only right when the majority of people agree to it too.


This kind of uncertainty will remain as it is, as far i can think, there's no right answer to those questions. For me i react on instinct, past experience and knowledge that is gained either naturally or artificially. Is it really that important to know this things? What do we really gain from thinking far beyond what we now can do?

When you act upon your heart,
you don't care about the consequences,
then why would you care if it was right or wrong,
isn't staying true to yourself is all about?


When you act upon your heart,
would a right or wrong in it,
exist?

There's no way to know that love is either a problem or not for your future. Because everyone has different views, some agree to this, some agree to that. It all comes back to just you, when you make that decision, you just make it; was it influenced by your parents, your friends, the media or education. If it was, then just let it be, it doesn't really matter as you think it really is, as long as you're happy with it; if your not happy with it, then accept the fact that it happened, it is just a thing of the past, i agree it may affect your life, but one thing you can do is, don't let it bother you mentally or emotionally for long. After a while, it's the same for all people that wants happiness, they just let it all go and forget.

Let bygones be bygones,
you've made the choice,
did it brought happiness or sadness,
it still happened anyways.


If it was wrong,
forgive yourself and put it in the past.
If it was right,
embrace and remember it as it really is.


I understand we can't accept such way of life when we're really down or emotionally agitated, it's practically fine, but we're human nonetheless, after that, most of us tend to just move on. Why be the least of us and bury your mind with thoughts that will always remain uncertain? Why torture yourself with, absolutely nothing but thoughts in your mind? When you think outside of the box on this matter, you're being free from social restrictions, confinements, moralities?

Are you living the life you wanted by doing this?

Updating my other blog.

Going to put episodes and my army models over here at Light Production , a blog i have been neglecting for more than 6 months. I hope i can still find some use for it by doing this.

There's more wanting than actual doing. FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

Recently all i have been doing is just thinking. Thinking, thinking and more thinking.

About what? Well mostly imagining up plans, i find myself just doing pretty much nothing that is practical, i just study, talk, eat and go back almost every day. It gets so tedious i just wish i could just stop doing it for a while but why can't i?

Oh, because there's exams coming, frankly i wasn't really worry about the moral exam, i imagine it would be so pointless and easy to do i just gave glances on the "notes" given by the "lecturer". As expected it was easy, so easy most of us went out 2 hours early. Anyways, other than that, i have conflicting aims now, spending time on four things, my family, my friends, education and myself. I don't group education together with myself because it's really just something i do without thinking to myself but really just thinking points, understanding syllables and what not and i spend too much on this particular subject.

There's going to be a trial exam for maths, makes me wanna kill myself for having absolutely nothing important to do except studying. Seriously, i think all in essence of my life, studying is the only thing i think is important, all others maybe necessary but they are worth sacrificing for importance. Which brings me stress and stress brings me a lot of pressure and then pimples grows on my face, really.

Sigh i just wish i wasn't as straight minded as i am now, doing only things that i obliged myself to continue to do so, i.e getting the episodes done. About them, wish i can just not multi task the whole week, as in i want to do something that does not need me to divide equal amount of time for each activity. I wish i could just paint the models all weeks long but sadly, i can't, but i keep reminding myself there's going to be 3 months of holidays, i can have Marcus teach me the techniques and skills and i'll spend eternity painting them, metaphorically.

Geeky stuff here, skip to the next one if you don't understand at all with the contents on this passage. Any how, I really hate the situation i'm in now, i have no brush, no paint, no skill, just my blank models collecting dust in the boxes. I haven't take them out for a long time, it's not like i don't have time for them, it's just i have no use for them as of now. The reason behind it? I live in a place far away from where i can casually play or do anything with them. All i can do now is just look at a forum about Tau. To put it more precise, study, yes when i study, i spend half of my study time just planning and learning the basics of my army, i think i have more theoretical strategies in my mind than actual wargaming was done. For once this hobby of mine could not be easily given up, because there's one thing i'm good at doing all the time is just studying, so why not put some time into learning how my firewarriors would not just be standing there and looking beautiful with their pulse rifles and carbines? I took the liberty to study strategies, unit compositions, army list, battle reports, and read the "How to paint Citidel armies" e-book. All For The Greater Good ;D

Ok, from looking at the long passage above, you probably think i spend too much time on this, right? Not quite, it's just that this table-top wargaming, the rules and the contents can be easily studied, because as most people would say if they played, the game is played like your the general leading your army, there's so many possibilities in the game that it feels almost like a real war being played like a chess game.

Never thought i will ever get hook up by something that i at first thought was childish; now i just can't go off studying without both studying wargaming. Nevertheless, i'm glad Marcus introduced it to me, gave me something that i can do without thinking it's just a game to pass time. Warhammer40k, it's more than just a game, more than a hobby for me, even if i have only played not more than 4 or 5 months, it has already made me drowned in love for it.

I'm also glad Junior's around to talk to me about dancing, sure he only talks about break dancing, i don't break but i still like a burning dancing soul to motivate me again and again to do popping. I hope i get better on this hobby too, it's something i have always like to do since secondary school.

I truly hope both this hobbies lasts forever, i hope even Junior and Marcus are not there to motivate me, i hope i can remember the good ol' times they did and never give up, because these are one of the things that reminds me how great they are as friends and long-lost brothers. Thank you, bros.

I worked, but i am still studying.

Since i've worked in the education fair last week, i have kept looking up to my brothers that are working hard to invest in their future lives with their own family and still taking care of my parents. I've also kept appreciating what my parents had sacrificed to support my studies.

The feeling of working my ass off for some money made me realize a lot of things that are ahead of me. I realized how when i was working, i would just keep on thinking about the pay day, and i thought to myself "if there was work every week, my mind would be occupied by work."

There wouldn't be time for myself, for others and even more important, for my studies. I realized how precious studying is right now for me, that's why i have to decline Marcus' offer to take a job at another education fair at a Hilton hotel at KL Sentral, and probably future offers too until i have absolute spare time. In truth, i really wanted to work part time now, getting experience each day and working with faces you're familiar with is something that happens rarely. But i have to move back a step, and see what other alternatives benefits me more, and choosing something i'd rather waste time on.

I'm not really fond of studying when it was the only thing i would be doing for the whole day, but when i think about it, there wasn't a lot such chances either. Nevertheless, tomorrow is going to be a day at college by myself, maybe i'll meet some others there but i think i wouldn't have time to bother them or vice versa. In fact, it has always been like this since long distant past, because i can't properly study at home when examinations are not near, i tend to use up break times to study during my secondary school life and most of my friends don't tend to have such time used for studying. Now in college, things change but not so much, i still feel nerdy and lonely at such times; i guess it's necessary to feel this way, if not how can i concentrate?

I probably am the only one who have this kind of problem, i can't work and study at a short period of time, i have to sacrifice time for either of them two. You can say i'm lazy at managing time for myself, i've always believe studying should take 60 to 70 percent of my life now and the rest would be time for family, friends and myself, so i don't really have time to work. That's why i always envy people who can do both and still excel a lot in life, makes me feel so much more inferior in this world than ever, but that's just me, that's my limit, even pushing it won't go in par with such people. However, that doesn't really stop me from believing in myself, giving myself hope, i've never given up, i'm slow but i never trying to be more faster even i never seem to improve.

I tell myself to do things a bit more than usual; i tell myself to study a bit more; i tell myself to dance a little more; i tell myself to spend a bit more time with my family and friends; i tell myself to help others a bit more; i tell myself to study a bit more about wargaming. I tell myself to push my limits a little more.

Speaking of selfless though, i think i'm not trying hard on this part, i always think about myself first, then only afterwards i would think about others. I agree that i shouldn't blame myself too much when i delay the episodes but, if you were me, you would know that i was really just slacking and giving excuses to avoid responsibility, who knows, i might even stop caring for crying out loud.

But then again, one day, in a status post in facebook, i said

"Being human is hard."

Which was immediately prompted back by Nicole stating

"So it's easy being inhumane, isn't it?"

Surprisingly the immediate response in my thoughts were

"Hell no."

Of course, i could not answer back suddenly like that, i gave a lot more effort into thinking why my answer was "no", then the reason i gave to her was easy but hard for me to thought it out in words, i said

"Well, the problem is, i have to stop thinking to be inhumane then."

The response which i gave, holds much truth for myself to be honest. Yes it is true that, it's hard being kind to people around you, however, it's also the same for being bad. The reasons for me is that, to be inhumane i have to stop thinking the consequences of it, which is impossible for me; after spending so much time just thinking about things just prevents me from becoming something no one likes.

I've always thought about the consequences of making or not making the episodes. Maybe i'm paranoid, but making them had form part of life, i've delayed for almost a month, for something like that i can never forgive myself, the feeling of letting my friends is never a feeling i like. Yes, constantly i've been told "it's OK, don't blame yourself", but do you know why i still blame myself? Because throughout the time people would ask me about it, you don't know it because you all ask me about it individually. Even if you were just kidding, i can feel you all waiting, getting impatient with each week passing. Sometimes i just want some of you all to accept the fact i was being negligent, just blame me for some realism in my life.

I am very familiar with this impatient feeling, it really irritates me, but probably it's the same for you, we try to keep it to ourselves. I try my best not to request spending Marcus' time on wargaming, because that's truly a selfish thing to ask of, this selfish thought always resurfaces, but something i always counter with "think how he would feel about being constantly bugged about it". Sorry for those annoying times, bro.

And i'm sorry for those people who i gotten impatient with, i'm sorry for the long delay. I'll try my best not to let you all down again and i'm really grateful for all the support you all have shown to me.

Anyway my last notice to you all would be, i don't have feelings for her anymore and i don't have time for it and the tolerance for it. So please don't bug me anymore about it and sorry but i can't accept any kind of feelings from now on, i just don't have the time and tolerance for it, really annoying to explain to everyone i meet in college.

I'm a bad kid, this is fun :D

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
#MY TOTAL: 6

1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
#MY TOTAL: 6

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. received a ticket.
6. been to rehab
7. dyed your hair.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
#MY TOTAL: 2

1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
#MY TOTAL: 2

1. dressed gothic
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
#MY TOTAL: 1

1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush.
#MY TOTAL: 3

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
#MY TOTAL: 5

1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police's presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10.been verbally harassed.
#MY TOTAL: 1

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drink and drive.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
#MY TOTAL: 5

Grand Total: 30 :D

If You Have Less Than 10.. write [im a Goody Goody]
If You Have More Than 10.. write [im still a goody goody]
If You Have more Than 20..write [im average]
If You Have More Than 30..write [im a bad kid]
If You have more than 40..write [im a very bad influence]
If You Have more than 50..write [im a horrible person]
If You Have more than 60..write [i should be in jail]
If You Have more than 70..Write [i should be dead]

Smile - Charlie Chaplin

Smile
tho'
your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

Sacrifice, made a lot of bad ones.

There's always things i haven't done in my life, usually to the point i don't want to let people know. For an example, i had zero working experience, i never worked in the outside world, my life was always just studying and playing. That's why i envy and admire people who worked hard in their life.

Why i didn't work? My parents doesn't want me to, because i know, it will affect my study time and have no reason to do so when i have what i need from them, they provided me enough freedom and entertainment, i provide them a proud future of me for them to have. Though there's always the time i worry about working after i finished studying, when i have absolutely never worked before, how would i face that reality when i'm that late to begin what i'm suppose to right now?

This college surely is a miracle giver, first it blessed me great friends and education, now it guides me to a better me. I accepted the offer made by Kim to work in the education fair at KLCC, i was hesitant but the answer i responded with was not what i expected, i said "I"LL DO IT". I thought about not going, thoughts like "i have no working experience, i will totally screw up". I'm glad i was wrong, i'm glad i grabbed that oppurtunity.

Certainly, working temporarily at an education fair would not be considered a job, more like a "lend of service", but was certainly making me nervous like an ant being cooked on oil.

I've passed the first stage, i'm embarrassed as to only achieving this so late in my life but i'm proud of it. The job was simple but i find myself trying as hard not to be a nuisance to others, i was inexperience in anything about working, everything was new to me but i kept a poker face, it didn't hide the shaking hands noticed by a person asking me about the courses the college runs.

There was a lot of thinking to do before i worked, i was thinking why am i doing this, was it for myself, was i just wanting to be my friends? If it was those reasons, it wouldn't be enough for me to bring myself to work at the edu fair. The reason i went was for my family, i thought about the money being paid, i decided i can never use the money for myself, because it reminded me how much trouble my family had to help me make working at the fair possible. That money, i'll try to spent it on something for them, i wish i knew what.

Today, I thank Kim for offering me to work and helping me, thank Marcus, Chester and Lee Tat , See Wei and Kean Hoe for supporting and helping this nooby first timer. I have to give my most appreciation to my family, they make my life so much easier and safe.

Utada Hikaru ft. Shiina Ringo - I Won't Last a Day Without You

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong
I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone
I can turn to
Who will always care
You're always there

*
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

So many times when the city seems to be
Without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice know that you'll be there if
I need yoou
And you'll always smile
It's all worthwhile

*

Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seems to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't reaaly lose when you're near (when you're near)
When you're near, my love

If all my friends
Have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind
Just hard to find

One look at you
I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest
I found the best

* (2x)

I won't last a day without you

Thankful.

Thanks to Kean Hoe,

for the drama you continue to provide in college and let us enjoy the teasing, especially myself, hahah. Just kidding, bro, you're great guy, and i mean it, as far as i can see, your somebody which anyone wants in their time of need. For certain your really tolerant and kind to all your friends, kinda makes me feel guilty in a way for having done those things to you, hahah. But no offence intended, you're sort of an easy-going person, i feel at ease and relax when i talk to you, not much tension which is nice. I've also learnt alot from you.

Thanks to Lee Tat,

i can probably say that i'm thankful for meeting someone like you, although your maybe arrogant sometimes, but that's what i look up too, that personality of yours is something i want to have too, sometimes, standing on your ground no matter what people throws at you, well not literally per se. That's why you give an image of arrogance but strong willed. You're probably one of the people that will stand up for others when they are in trouble too, something we all really should admire about you. Stay strong, brother.

The things i said for each person, it's the same for everyone, you all similarly helped me in life, i just emphasize each of your uniqueness, all of you are loving people, nobody would not want to be your friend.

But i don't know how to thank the others, not that i'm not thankful to you all,

Stan, Ah B, Michele, Andrew, Thomas, May Jean, Yik Yee, Winnie, Nicole, Geraldine, Debra, Mei Quin, Jo Ann, See Wei, Elaine, Chew Teng, Su Ning, Jessica, Rainbow, Chester, Kin Sin, Kanimoli, Jeremy, Nick, Ernest, Aaron. I hope that's everyone i know truly as friends, anyways, i can't give you all a special thank you because all of you have that quality and material of making a good friend, i'd be repeating whatever there is to say good about you all, but you all have also contributed something in my life, sure, maybe some of you might think i'm just exaggerating, well i'm not, if i'm lying than why would i even bother to write your name and spend an amount of time carefully writing this up to be thankful?

THAT's, why, i don't think it's worth to abandon all that just because of now, because i have too many things precious to me. I owe you all too much for just love, i want to contribute something in your life too, you've acknowledge me as your friend, it's not the time to say "i don't have time for you, sorry.", it's the time to say "Hey, what can i do for you?"

That's why i will never benefit for wanting something for myself, that's why no matter what, i will never release my restraints of falling for you completely, no matter how strong my feelings are for you.

But i would still be thankful to you too,

"if there's no shadows lingering in my heart, there would not be light shining upon to guide it to realization."

Made me forgotten what's really important to me, it's not really you, it's you all.

Really, thinking back, all the way back, what has brought me up?

Was it you? No it wasn't, i thought more and concentrative on it, i finally asked my mother.

I admit i was reluctant to hear her answer but then i considered why, why i would be irritated by her words.

Because her words hold much truth and experience, it was final and rational.

No one can make you do something, we have our free will, i was jus ignorant and blinded because of love.

Hurts to say, i maybe a person that says emotions controls my actions easily, but not until to a point that may jeopardize my future, in other words, actions that might really go against my logical mind, i would never be able to take that action at all, no matter how my heart roars at me.

Simple as that, i'm too logical, too rational. Probably it's my upbringing but i do not regret it. I have so much more in life, why do i insist on trying to do something, everyone might regret about it. I probably the most precious things around me. I'm single, nothing bad about, when i have so many friends and family to care about, in fact i have more than enough of it. Yes i agree, having someone special is something astounding but, I'm not lying to myself, i'm just looking at right now and right now, i love my family and friends as much as i would lover her, i don't want to lose that because of my selfishness.

She may fill a major part in mind but if it was you all.. i'm the luckiest guy ever, my parents are proud of me as of i am now, my brothers support whatever i want to do, my friends accompanied me through and through in life, i can never have less than enough.

I owe so much you all so much right now,

Thanks to my parents,

for supporting, encouraging and help me realize what i can be which is more than now, more than ever. I love them, i'm forever in debt to them.

Thanks to my brothers,

They showed me what's called brotherly love, they shared part of their life the most, they gave me support, advice and entertainment, they let me know what's family.

Thanks to Marcus,

I can never cease to be thankful to you, time to time you would amaze me with your kindness and generosity to all you have helped and you certainly have helped me a lot. You got me addicted to Warhammer, it's a good hobby, ever since you lend me that book and introduce me to this game, it made me realize it was more than just a game, it created a leader in me even though not a good one. And speaking of leader, your most certainly one, i think everyone doesn't say it but, your really sacrificial towards yourself for others, we all owe you alot. There's so much more to be thankful but the list of good things will probably go on and on. So anyways, love you, bro, hahah.

Thanks to Junior,

I have to say, your one hell of a friend to have, so random and pointless but somehow at the same time you can be thoughtful and meaningful. I would say anyone who's been your friend, would stay forever as your friend, that certainly includes me. One thing i have to be certainly thankful is the hope you gave me in finding true friendship and also keeping the fire in me burn on, that's dancing. I thought after college, there's probably not gonna be a lot of motivation for me to keep on popping, but thanks to you, i was wrong. Keep it real bro, ijenai desu yo, hahah.

Thanks to Kimberley,

Embarrassing to say the first time, still embarrassing the second time to say, first close female friend(so pathetic~) i have. I have to be thankful to you, you're one of the persons to help me grow most in my social life(so pathetic again~). I would not lie, i was sort of a nerd back in secondary school, but you help me change that, alot, by 1%, hahah by 100% la. Have to be thankful for that "crazy flavour" you bring to college, it certainly throws away that moody and boringness. I think everyone would notice those panda eyes of yours you carry everday, don't overstress yourself or more truthfully, don't sleep so late la, give yourself the ratio of 40% study and 60% entertainment and relaxation, k? Thanks for the time wasted on me little self.

More will come, Kean Hoe, Jo Ann, Elaine, Michele and others others others, wait la~~~

I have to talk to you, your getting distant from me.

I guess sooner or later, keeping quiet, which i have been doing all this time with you all, has to end.

It’s not that i didn’t notice, the less i talked, the less both of us know how we’re feeling, the weaker our bonds even are. Some of you might say i’m ok just the way i am now but some of my mind say it’s just an excuse to avoid being more close to each other. But then i really wanted true friendship, i knew why, the silence i have been keeping so long was the reason. I hated the quiet, but at the same time i welcomed it willingly, i hate it so much.

I still couldn’t throw away that stubbornness of me, it’s also why i could not get anything what i want. The more Marcus, Kimberley or others that kept pushing me to do something that i will regret if i don’t do so, the more i would stay silent, the more i would decline to do so, I’m really sorry, really sorry.

The silent treatment i give probably made me unconfident too, i’m simply too afraid to make my own decisions. I’m always afraid the results of it would be bad. I’d always escape one way or another.

This silence, has to end, it must end, i don’t want to care anymore,

i want to talk to you in person,

i want to tell you that i’m sorry for being silent,

i want to to tell you that i’m thankful for being my friend,

i want to tell you something i’ve always wanted to say,

i want to know you better,

Somebody, please guide me, show me how. I don’t care, degrade me, shame me, scold me, hit me, slap me, do whatever it takes, just wake me from this nightmare that never seems to end. I don’t want to be thought as an emotionless, inconsiderate, stubborn person.

Just have me do something, i might go crazy over you.