Like water flowing through seasons.

When I finally manage to find something to do alone. It gets pre-occupied in a good way.

Today, 13th November, manage to be with myself most of the time because i needed to do my assignment. It's of course, the same as last year, I'm doing it myself, I really wonder how groups do their assignments. It is also of course, a bit saddening but is too expected. Just for the record, it is not me who doesn't want to do with a group.

I browsed through my videos today, can't believe the laughs I've shared with the people that I now, are separated by an invisible wall. I can't even look at them in the vids with a straight face, I just find it unbelievable now. Though one thing is for sure that I will ask about others to myself, have they watched them before? Judging from the excruciatingly slow buffering speed for some reason, I doubt alot has watched a whole episode, let alone the whole series. Would it be any different now if they did? Would I still be able to share laughs with them even though the mistakes I have made? Was giving up on making videos my prime mistake?

So many questions yet they can hardly be left answered by anyone. But I do realize, and I mean finally, I think I did not change at all. It is because that when I see myself in the video, although I maybe different then at that time, I wasn't different now because I've changed, but it is due to the people I am close with. With Junior or Kim, I was carefree, likely to have fun and chat with others, I was not shy around other girls, I loved to gather their friends and plan a trip or an activity. Of course, there are also other people that had also influenced me greatly.

It is as the title says, I'm like water flowing through a path, when the sun is high in the air, I reflect it's sunlight, when the moon is high in the air, I reflect it's moonlight; when winter comes, I freeze, stopping my flow, when spring comes, I flow again with flower petals floating around me.

In short, anyone who befriends me and I do the same, I automatically adapt and change to that person. There is only a portion of me that stays the same, which is this side of me which I rarely show to anyone at all. You can say, I don't want people to be burdened by my ups and downs, so I do what I can to avoid that.

But since then, I have no one to adapt or change to, I eventually revert back to myself, the semi anti-social introvert. The friends I have now, are either with someone else, does not come to college at all or have no interest to maintain that bond that I so think it has always been there at the beginning. The limited time we spend together seems empty, even though we exchange words and laughs, we seem distant.

I know, Michele, but things are as you see. I'm glad you're concerned about me, I really really do. But you should not be burden with the one I am now. I'll always pretend nothing has happened if you ever confront me about my life. You have other more important things to look forward to, your family, your friends and Andrew. I'm always living in the past, waiting for the future, so don't look back, just move forward. Don't worry, I'll always think of you as a close friend.

The worst seems to have past.

Yeap, it seems the worst of my depression has gone by. I wouldn't say "just like that" though but I can see things a bit clearer now.

I realized something through this turmoil though, I was not able to accept myself and the world around me. In this world, I feel like I'm suppose to be the guy who should always do the right thing and be honest. But really, I was just what you call, an "attention seeker", albeit it is hard to admit but yes, judging through the things I do, this is all too true.

1. I'd whine and rant in the Facebook and before that, rant in Twitters and Blogger.

2. I'd join anything in the past, to be acknowledged and for someone to notice.

3. I'd be completely honest in my blog, typically trying to agitate people, to my regret it resulted my demise in life.

But who would not have felt this way even without me confessing it? When I think about it, have I changed whatsoever compared to two years ago? Well, giving any explanation, it wouldn't prove anything to anyone.

Truth is, nobody understood me, not even my closest friends or my family. Nor do I truly understand anyone.

If she told me she didn't knew me, then really, who actually knows me? Of course I know it's not how much of me that I've told her that meant she knows me, but I thought she would actually understand why I would this intimate things with her? This is why I hate communicating virtually, even though it is my only way to express myself whole-heartedly. People just can't feel or see what I go through, same for my videos.

For obvious reasons, this hurt my heart right on the spot, literally. Just because she said that, my life get's even bitter, so much I couldn't focus on writing my assignment but when I did, I can't but notice anger in those words. Having no one to even ask for guidance, I used the internet to find my answer ...and it pretty much hit me I guess.

It wasn't much about myself I guess, I just wanted to know someone even if that will never truly happen. It's that I wish, someone would actually know my intentions is not to whine to you, but trust you. It was truly cold when she said it for some reason, it literally made all the things I thought of, meant nothing. But it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.