21 February 2014

Late Night Statements

Ah well, I don't really have anything ready to talk about. Just wasting time.

Come to think of it, there's probably not a lot of things I haven't written in my blog, save for some dark secrets.

Just so you know, I write in short paragraphs because they are just separate thoughts, I don't really have a intro, content and conclusion format going on.

But overall, I've really mentioned almost everything about myself, although not in detail. The cycle just repeats, life hasn't change that much to mention something new.

I'm still that person that uses a mind to talk instead of using the mouth.
And still wanting to talk to a girl.

But to be wishful, a girl that actually has the initiative and desire to befriend/talk with me at most times. It is indeed, a wishful thought, even if it the girl's intention to be just friends.

Regardless, that's because I have a problem talking with girls. Because I have rather peculiar interests which most people wouldn't have; and have disinterest in things common to society.

Not that I don't like talking to people with different interests than me, I just don't know what to comment or add on to that sort of conversation.

Strangely enough, maybe truly just misfortune but I happen to talk to girls who are rather, 'technologically isolated'. Seldom use of social network or even phones etc.. How do you keep in contact with them if they don't live near you?

I've been failing to try and keep a consistent communication with this girl recently and it kinda bugs. Even more introverted than me, or that she doesn't like talking to me. Got her phone number, and no reply. Tried to sit with her but it has been difficult to give priority to current friends or her.

I realised, that I'm not really fond of doing something that doesn't give apparent result. Talking to girls is like trying to figure out how to program an AI; you don't know if you're writing the correct codes so that it will response to future commands entered.

If you talk to guys, you just have to ask what's their favourite game or hobby and you're done; he'll just start telling you the tales and achievements. The next day, they will automatically talk with you with just a little push again.

With girls, it's more complicated than that, you talk to them today, you're like talking to a responsive AI. Tomorrow, you're expected to do most of the talking again.

Of course I will start to doubt my socialising skills. I would think about if it's because when I speak in mandarin, in actuality it's 40% mandarin and 60% English. But it isn't, if that's the case, why can I talk to guys without problem then?

I would understand I haven't notice this because I mostly converse with my family and they are used to the way I talk.

Ah well, I haven't talk to a lot of people recently, so I can't be sure. I type more than I speak in real life.

Although now, you could say I type even less now. I just got tired of initiating conversations with girls that will never do the same in turn.

Why? You can say I belittle myself, when you look at girls realistically, or people in general, you're not really someone that holds a special in their heart.

Closeness to people is what I'm lacking, you wouldn't really want to chat with some classmate, over your childhood friend.

I never knew how to be close to people, only how to have fun. That was my SMK era; and when I thought of making long lasting friends, I believed that meant making memorable events with them. But because of my social anxiety, the high wall I built came crumbling down.

What happened 3 years ago, this month, I can never forget. It doesn't matter if I can forgive myself or not, it's the turning point in the past I can't change, but has lead to devastating events in the future that instead forever changed my life.

I wish I could still share deeper thoughts with them, or you, like we used to. But hey, as far as I'm concerned. When I deleted my FB and Twitter accounts, I'm as good as if I didn't exist in your life before I came back.

Now? Now I just go out and observe people, and go back home.

Happy belated CNY, V-Day and any other events I missed out blogging about.

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