Late Night Statements

Ah well, I don't really have anything ready to talk about. Just wasting time.

Come to think of it, there's probably not a lot of things I haven't written in my blog, save for some dark secrets.

Just so you know, I write in short paragraphs because they are just separate thoughts, I don't really have a intro, content and conclusion format going on.

But overall, I've really mentioned almost everything about myself, although not in detail. The cycle just repeats, life hasn't change that much to mention something new.

I'm still that person that uses a mind to talk instead of using the mouth.
And still wanting to talk to a girl.

But to be wishful, a girl that actually has the initiative and desire to befriend/talk with me at most times. It is indeed, a wishful thought, even if it the girl's intention to be just friends.

Regardless, that's because I have a problem talking with girls. Because I have rather peculiar interests which most people wouldn't have; and have disinterest in things common to society.

Not that I don't like talking to people with different interests than me, I just don't know what to comment or add on to that sort of conversation.

Strangely enough, maybe truly just misfortune but I happen to talk to girls who are rather, 'technologically isolated'. Seldom use of social network or even phones etc.. How do you keep in contact with them if they don't live near you?

I've been failing to try and keep a consistent communication with this girl recently and it kinda bugs. Even more introverted than me, or that she doesn't like talking to me. Got her phone number, and no reply. Tried to sit with her but it has been difficult to give priority to current friends or her.

I realised, that I'm not really fond of doing something that doesn't give apparent result. Talking to girls is like trying to figure out how to program an AI; you don't know if you're writing the correct codes so that it will response to future commands entered.

If you talk to guys, you just have to ask what's their favourite game or hobby and you're done; he'll just start telling you the tales and achievements. The next day, they will automatically talk with you with just a little push again.

With girls, it's more complicated than that, you talk to them today, you're like talking to a responsive AI. Tomorrow, you're expected to do most of the talking again.

Of course I will start to doubt my socialising skills. I would think about if it's because when I speak in mandarin, in actuality it's 40% mandarin and 60% English. But it isn't, if that's the case, why can I talk to guys without problem then?

I would understand I haven't notice this because I mostly converse with my family and they are used to the way I talk.

Ah well, I haven't talk to a lot of people recently, so I can't be sure. I type more than I speak in real life.

Although now, you could say I type even less now. I just got tired of initiating conversations with girls that will never do the same in turn.

Why? You can say I belittle myself, when you look at girls realistically, or people in general, you're not really someone that holds a special in their heart.

Closeness to people is what I'm lacking, you wouldn't really want to chat with some classmate, over your childhood friend.

I never knew how to be close to people, only how to have fun. That was my SMK era; and when I thought of making long lasting friends, I believed that meant making memorable events with them. But because of my social anxiety, the high wall I built came crumbling down.

What happened 3 years ago, this month, I can never forget. It doesn't matter if I can forgive myself or not, it's the turning point in the past I can't change, but has lead to devastating events in the future that instead forever changed my life.

I wish I could still share deeper thoughts with them, or you, like we used to. But hey, as far as I'm concerned. When I deleted my FB and Twitter accounts, I'm as good as if I didn't exist in your life before I came back.

Now? Now I just go out and observe people, and go back home.

Happy belated CNY, V-Day and any other events I missed out blogging about.

Finally succumbing to insanity?

Having lapses of 'lost', it feels like I'm losing the ability to think ahead.

It is a feeling very unknown to me. Like my thoughts are being stopped from becoming complex.

It doesn't last long, but enough to make me worry. Been frequently happening since CNY.

And I thought I'm doing better now. Maybe it'll be gone when I attend classes again.

I can't start to lose my mind now. Not when I have someone to look forward to share with my thoughts.

So, 2014.

Part 2, I guess. It was late and I needed to rest. (Most used words besides 'probably' and 'just', my vocab is so limited)

So where did I left, oh yeah, salvation. Well let's talk about my 'fake salvations' then.

They are more like momentary happiness because afterwards it's something that I personally shouldn't do.

Online chatting being the main one I'm emphasising, or overall online socialising. Although not proud of, but I know the in's and out's of it. I best communicate with people clearly through written sentences; you've got plenty of time to correct them.

What I like about this method, is it's comfortable and instantaneous; and also why I don't like about them.

Do you see people fiddling with their phone/tablets almost everywhere? Or you yourself does that? It is a major problem but the majority does not care for it. The reason being people are bypassing actual and real socialising circumstances.

I sit in class, I see the majority of people just looking down at a screen, instead of chatting with the person beside them or paying attention to lectures. I walk in shopping malls, I see couples sitting together,fiddling with their phones.

People don't realise this but, even when you're doing anything at this moments, you 'are' doing something. Gadgets shouldn't be the first thing to remove that awkwardness; that AWKWARDNESS is much needed.

If both people would embrace this feeling, they will start to look or think about things to entertain each other. We would look at each other, notice all the little things, knowing each other better.

If playing phones is what you do most of the time even when you go out, then why bother hanging out when you're concern with your online social 'commitments'. Malaysia's not a safe place to show that expensive phones without caution either.

This is coming from someone who doesn't even have the chance to do that. At least not anymore. Like always, I only notice things when I lose them and you can never really get them back.

Social networks just doesn't work for me, when posts statuses or share stuff, it's like writing on a wall where no one really cares.

Chatting was a momentary happiness, but it never felt true. I can only talk about more sentimental stuff with girls online, but it never felt like they were listening or interested. Maybe it is excuse but none of the girls I've talk to really spend time chatting online.

What can I can do though? I was never close and I can never be more close. So again, it was like talking to myself, since replies are like 5 words on average. I was just lying to myself that I do have someone to talk to.

Couple with the fact, girls don't initiate conversations. So it really delve down to, chatting to this girl until I really have nothing relevant to talk about and moving to the next one.

Although at first, my intention when I first tried online chatting, was to find that special someone. But it was really just trying to find a girl that listens and wants to talk to me when the year came to an end.

Well, I'm all out of potential girls to chat with, so that's really the end of it. I could never really accept such a fact but, I guess I sort of went through the 'Five Stages of Grief", didn't I?

I was in denial, I couldn't possibly have no girl friends to talk to.
I was angry, why these girls are just not interested in me.
I was bargaining, maybe if I tried different approaches, things will go as I had wished.
I was depressed, when all opportunities had been exhausted, I felt there's really no hope for the way I had chosen to live.

And I am probably in the acceptance stage.
There's really nothing I can do about it, a bond between two people can't be simply created or strengthened. The fate of meeting a person who can become a part of life, sharing mind and body, is not something I decide, or is bound to happen.
I really just have to accept, I'm alone, in my mind and body. For what I can share with the I already know, I shall continue to share. But any place deeper, I just have to be content that I only know and feel.

Happy New Year.