Stress, it worsens everything.

[First time writing a blog at a cafe, it’s a nice feeling, though this is going to be posted at home. :D]


Lately i have been myself, too extremely though, i get annoyed easily, i get suspicious all the time, i get too caught up in something, i study too much.
To be optimistic, i need to be tolerant, but being tolerant makes me stressful, which in turn doesn’t make me optimistic, Sometimes i wonder how i should deal with stress, is it inevitable that i will eventually give in to stress?

Even more, i’m easily stressed out, how am i suppose to be optimistic in this way? With my will or not, i easily get frustrated with something i can’t do, yeah, somehow i’m a person that hates losing at something i’m suppose to be good at, or something i have worked hard on, i’d feel regretful and start to think had what i did before meant anything in the present. In time though, i try tell myself to work even harder, each time it’s not enough, the thought of not being able to improve myself just pisses me off. Starting from this month, it seems like my studies is starting to piss me off quite often, no sufficient time for studies and i don’t seem to improve in them.
Though i would be positive and would just continue to work harder, i was still stressed even if i don’t care about it, then it would eventually find it’s way to tell me i’m stressed, like expressing it in frustration and sarcasm in the littlest of things people ask or do. Yeah, i can do heart-piercing sarcasms to people if i want to, i can easily think up of something really sarcastic and cruel to say faster than what i would normally should say, luckily that can be controlled even if i’m in stress, a little bit.


Trying to separate fun time, work time and study time is hard, i succeeded in doing so but makes my life feel rigid, i feel like i have lost freedom, That’s why i suddenly have the urge to just release my from obligations and just sit around at this cafe. In a way, this releases my thoughts, furthering it with some blogging done. But then again, after this, i’m heading back to reality again.


I wouldn’t have such a miracle happening after this week, this is the only week i’m given to drive, next week it’s just going to be riding the train or being fetched.


There are times i can’t do anything about my stress though, i get easily frustrated thinking about something when i’m driving alone. It’s the time i would curse in my mind at the crappy radio stations i’m listening to and the horrible traffic i’m facing. One thing i wouldn’t expect to come to mind at the last moment, it eased me completely,  when it was just the moment i just wanted to stop thinking.


it was from my heart, it was something i buried in it for quite sometime, the image of her just gives me peace instantly, i don’t know why but, if it’s something my mind can’t control, it must be my heart. I didn’t mind to have her in my mind in such a time, i welcomed it gladly. I’m glad there was still something i could hold on to in this dire times, I'm glad i loved you.

All we ever do is say goodbye - John Mayer

Just when I had you off my head
Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed
You say you wanna try again
But I've tried everything but giving in

Why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

I bought a ticket on a plane
And by the time it landed, you were gone again
I love you more than songs can say
But I can't keep running after yesterday

So why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

We say goodbye
We say goodbye
We say goodbye

All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye 

I wished it was a joke, but i didn't know fate was the joker.

Today might have been the happiest day for my brother and myself, i guess us two got pranked by fate.


Today was suppose to be my brother's official marriage to my soon-to-be sister-in-law. We got up really early despite yesterday my brother had been really busy the whole day from daylight to no light. We were obviously running on the power of faith in our minds. My brother was wearing formally with style while Connie, his soon-to-be wife dressed elegantly for their moment of life. Who knew, my brother, at the most crucial time, only found out he didn't bring the most important thing for the registration, his IC. He searched, nothing. He was stunned, she was stunned, our parents and siblings were the same. You just won't know the feeling when i was so dedicated to record down the proceedings, then this, just happens. Tears were falling from her, eyes were looking at him, he was being  overwhelmed.


We were forced to cancel the appointment, forced to change the date. There's nothing we could do but only be supportive to both of them, they say it's a sign, telling them today was not a good day to marry. We youngsters probably won't be superstitious such things but it was quite obvious today wasn't meant to be, today was first of April (4), it was a Thursday (4), the day after tomorrow was Ching Ming. Still we saw a lot were getting married officially on that day, which made us envy and became even more sad.


At the end i still went for mathematics class that morning and i was even on time, the maths friends were suppose to do a prank to the teacher but was probably spoiled by my pissed off face when i came in. I couldn't hide it, for all the emotions i have, anger was the most easiest emotion i can easily express without much effort. Well, after a while my face just becomes moodless which i probably always have most of the time.


Well, since it was April's Fool, i didn't really bother to tell this to others when attending contract class, only told some, i didn't want to make it a big deal, cause well, one of the most unanticipated time of her time was coming soon afterwards. I sighed a bit, and i told to myself "My brother's moment of time will have to wait, i have to put that matter a side and do what ever i can to capture hers instead. I was surprised myself at the sight of Jo Ann's birthday surprise unfolding before me even though i've already known the plans before hand. I'll leave this moment fully expressed by herself, hahah.


Anyways, today was of course, totally unexpected, this is the first time i pranked people but, fate pulled a big one on brother, i feel sorry and depressed for him, a cruel joke indeed. Didn't know both the bad and the good could happen at the same time.


Sigh, i'm getting old, not as in getting white hairs or wrinkles; i'm actually becoming more and more realistic, to the sense of thinking every possible results an important decision made by someone. Sometimes i wish i can just be happy for someone's choice, then again i'm not that naive or ignorant, but i can't really do much, i'll just, watch, hoping i'm wrong and things were really simple and i'm just overreacting.


I've always been single, but doesn't mean i have absolutely no idea how a couple works. I'm the youngest in my family, i've seen results from horrible choices of partners my brothers had chosen, too many times, too many regrets they had came passed. They either screwed up thinking she was the right girl for them until they get robbed and stabbed in the heart, but even then they were still blinded by love. I was in no effects of love when i saw them, i only felt cruelty and coldness in them, love takers i call them. They see love as a source of pleasure and entertainment to them, they could control hearts that waiver to their whim. They could feel nothing during break ups, because they were already finished what was left of them and continue to find new ones.


You can't say they are cruel, they really weren't cruel at all, you can only say they are open and free minded, they never gave full responsibility and care for the other one's feelings. Will their victims, suffer or benefit from this relationship? It didn't matter as long as they get what they wanted in the first place, their love was all that matter and what comes from love is a bonus to them. Which my point is, right now and in the future, i don't want to be with someone like this because i can't sacrifice for her when i have already sacrificed so many for others. I can't be someone like this because i'm closed minded and stubborn.


I don't want to disappointment my parents, i don't want to be regretful in the future, i don't want to lose my friends that are already beside me. Although, the phrase "Bros before Hoes" which means, friends come first before you think about love for yourself, hasn't been followed as what i've seen; i'm still a stern believer in it, even if you and i are the last people who have not found love, i'll see to it that i stay there to accompany you, no matter what. So far, i think i'm the only who would think this way, but i know how it feels when one of your close friends, someone you would be together all the time, suddenly you have to take a step back and let him fill the place you've always been, and even you have to be supportive and understanding about it. It doesn't look painful, maybe i'm just bullshitting but probably some of you may agree to a certain extent of why i say this. And i hope not because such a thing happen, you given up hope having a close friend, keep believing because you may really one day, find your best friend and he/she will still stay as your best friend to the end even if they already had someone 


 I still and always believe, best friends, exist.