Like water flowing through seasons.

When I finally manage to find something to do alone. It gets pre-occupied in a good way.

Today, 13th November, manage to be with myself most of the time because i needed to do my assignment. It's of course, the same as last year, I'm doing it myself, I really wonder how groups do their assignments. It is also of course, a bit saddening but is too expected. Just for the record, it is not me who doesn't want to do with a group.

I browsed through my videos today, can't believe the laughs I've shared with the people that I now, are separated by an invisible wall. I can't even look at them in the vids with a straight face, I just find it unbelievable now. Though one thing is for sure that I will ask about others to myself, have they watched them before? Judging from the excruciatingly slow buffering speed for some reason, I doubt alot has watched a whole episode, let alone the whole series. Would it be any different now if they did? Would I still be able to share laughs with them even though the mistakes I have made? Was giving up on making videos my prime mistake?

So many questions yet they can hardly be left answered by anyone. But I do realize, and I mean finally, I think I did not change at all. It is because that when I see myself in the video, although I maybe different then at that time, I wasn't different now because I've changed, but it is due to the people I am close with. With Junior or Kim, I was carefree, likely to have fun and chat with others, I was not shy around other girls, I loved to gather their friends and plan a trip or an activity. Of course, there are also other people that had also influenced me greatly.

It is as the title says, I'm like water flowing through a path, when the sun is high in the air, I reflect it's sunlight, when the moon is high in the air, I reflect it's moonlight; when winter comes, I freeze, stopping my flow, when spring comes, I flow again with flower petals floating around me.

In short, anyone who befriends me and I do the same, I automatically adapt and change to that person. There is only a portion of me that stays the same, which is this side of me which I rarely show to anyone at all. You can say, I don't want people to be burdened by my ups and downs, so I do what I can to avoid that.

But since then, I have no one to adapt or change to, I eventually revert back to myself, the semi anti-social introvert. The friends I have now, are either with someone else, does not come to college at all or have no interest to maintain that bond that I so think it has always been there at the beginning. The limited time we spend together seems empty, even though we exchange words and laughs, we seem distant.

I know, Michele, but things are as you see. I'm glad you're concerned about me, I really really do. But you should not be burden with the one I am now. I'll always pretend nothing has happened if you ever confront me about my life. You have other more important things to look forward to, your family, your friends and Andrew. I'm always living in the past, waiting for the future, so don't look back, just move forward. Don't worry, I'll always think of you as a close friend.