Don't have much to say. Just counting how much time I have left.
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| Let our swords slay through the darkness that is in your clouded mind. |
28 August 2012
25 August 2012
Med. Report - Could've been worse.
High uric acid level, immune system to hepatitis b almost non-existent, liver activity abnormally high.
Yeah, I could use a bit of motivation in life.
Yeah, I could use a bit of motivation in life.
17 August 2012
Staying Quiet.
Is not having someone to talk to, a problem?
Maybe, I'm getting headaches doing nothing but painting and checking the internet during the weekdays.
Messaging is not enough, just not enough.
The wait is just painful.
When, you live in the present, everything is done now, nothing is done in the future; nothing can be changed in the past.
This, is one of the times I question what is more to life now? I feel like a robot waiting for it's transference to another facility, either continue to repeat what has been programmed to do or get a personality upgrade and interact with humans.
Are you reading this? Do you find me pitiful? Do you feel better about yourself now?
Am I paranoid? Let me ask you then, if you were me, if you were really me, how would you feel if you are always thinking, thinking, thinking and thinking; nothing to distract yourself, from yourself.
You wouldn't be able to, but I can understand, because I see the same way as you see me, like two minds endless arguing what is right, what is wrong.
In stories, whether fictional or true, someone's always there for the main character to interact to flesh out his personality and characteristics. I always thought life is full of colours, bright ones and dark ones, never totally gray. But somehow, I always end up to be the odd one out.
I end up being a story I've heard of, because I have no idea what to expect in the future. I'm like no other person's life, maybe a few similarities but never have I felt I belonged and suited.
Has anyone played the silent, lone wolf, kind, tolerant, patient, anxious and cautious main character? It's not easy, the character is prone to social anxiety disorder if it does not regularly interact with people. What is this character going to do, if there is no NPCs or other team members to talk to but only able to do quests and level up. Why does such a person exist?
12 August 2012
11 August 2012
09 August 2012
01 August 2012
Weeping night.
I remember that complexion of yours, but never really of the present.
Because I haven't seen you for a while, since we never tried to.
Though that's all I really need, that time we've been together.
My birthday just ended, four hours ago. It's a weird feeling no one truly remembers your birthday unless you have a facebook account.
I spent it with my family, and I believe that's truly enough. Because I rather spend it with people I care. When you have so much time for yourself, even though you keep yourself busy with things to do, when you don't talk, you think.
I haven't been doing much physically, as in I'm just painting and gaming for most of my holidays. But what people can't see is I'm trying hard to understand other people and myself as to their feelings and situations. When I'm with myself, life is hard to be looked in a simple way.
You'd think deeply why you're actually doing something. Like why I'm actually sms-ing this girl for. She has a life of her own, a person to love but finds some time to chat with me every now and then. On the pre-text, I'm just a friend who's a bit nosy but considerate, but actually just wants to interact with someone other than my family, yet all I feel is a sense of guilt.
Human beings are selfish and funny people, when life sucks their first thought would be not to look at himself but putting the blame on anything possible. Yet when they realise this, they continue to make the same mistake and tries to blame someone else again, I guess they are forgetful too.
I don't remember many of my friends' birthdays either. So I guess I can understand why others can't. However, so many things in life influence the importance of my first existence that I can't help but wonder why I'm not important enough to remember at the beginning. It is always at the end when you come to realisation that that thinking is simply selfish.
A note to readers and to my 21 year old self, don't ever try to leave your friends or remove contact for any reason. You'll regret it big time, trying to remedy your mistake is going to be really difficult. Whether your friends are a bad influence or not, if he or she still lends an ear for you, the best you can do is lend yours back.
Or you'll end up like me, no one to really trust, no one to talk about it in real life.
All reduced to texts that is hard to show any emotion whatsoever.
21 year old self, read this again when you get to UK, remind yourself that you still have your family, and they are always with you, wherever you are.
Look forward to the future, look forward to the new friends you will make, look forward to the rest of your life.
I can't anymore, can't think straight. Good night.
Because I haven't seen you for a while, since we never tried to.
Though that's all I really need, that time we've been together.
My birthday just ended, four hours ago. It's a weird feeling no one truly remembers your birthday unless you have a facebook account.
I spent it with my family, and I believe that's truly enough. Because I rather spend it with people I care. When you have so much time for yourself, even though you keep yourself busy with things to do, when you don't talk, you think.
I haven't been doing much physically, as in I'm just painting and gaming for most of my holidays. But what people can't see is I'm trying hard to understand other people and myself as to their feelings and situations. When I'm with myself, life is hard to be looked in a simple way.
You'd think deeply why you're actually doing something. Like why I'm actually sms-ing this girl for. She has a life of her own, a person to love but finds some time to chat with me every now and then. On the pre-text, I'm just a friend who's a bit nosy but considerate, but actually just wants to interact with someone other than my family, yet all I feel is a sense of guilt.
Human beings are selfish and funny people, when life sucks their first thought would be not to look at himself but putting the blame on anything possible. Yet when they realise this, they continue to make the same mistake and tries to blame someone else again, I guess they are forgetful too.
I don't remember many of my friends' birthdays either. So I guess I can understand why others can't. However, so many things in life influence the importance of my first existence that I can't help but wonder why I'm not important enough to remember at the beginning. It is always at the end when you come to realisation that that thinking is simply selfish.
A note to readers and to my 21 year old self, don't ever try to leave your friends or remove contact for any reason. You'll regret it big time, trying to remedy your mistake is going to be really difficult. Whether your friends are a bad influence or not, if he or she still lends an ear for you, the best you can do is lend yours back.
Or you'll end up like me, no one to really trust, no one to talk about it in real life.
All reduced to texts that is hard to show any emotion whatsoever.
21 year old self, read this again when you get to UK, remind yourself that you still have your family, and they are always with you, wherever you are.
Look forward to the future, look forward to the new friends you will make, look forward to the rest of your life.
I can't anymore, can't think straight. Good night.
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