Have you ever been lovesick, even though there are people who likes you whether or not it was indirectly or directly, but you never gave them a chance nonetheless.
Wouldn't it be a bit selfish to say, you have nobody now?
I wouldn't know, you'd think it's because I'm a guy and I'm pretty dense to see things like this. But knowing myself, any trace or bits of clue that I'm liked by someone, I will definitely know for sure. But the fact is, there's none. That's the most confounded thing in my life actually.
I'd question myself, what am I lacking. I admit though, back then my priority was just education and personal development, relationship was something I never dared to try to find, even though there temptations. Also because I stay to true to my promise when my mum told me so and the fact that adolescent relationships are rarely stable.
Next was confidence, at first I thought, you know maybe I was overweight and didn't look attractive much. But it was just because I wasn't confident; brave enough to be direct about my feelings and before I knew it, I was too late.
You don't know how many times I think back all the chances I could have tried. You can literally see the regret in your decision if you didn't take any action. I wished I've watched youtube videos earlier in my life. The phrase 'what do you have to lose?' should have embedded in my mind.
The problem is, if you like a person but you've just been friendly to her since the beginning, the chances are she'll think you as just a friend and it gets harder to fess up. I was too shy for my own good.
Back in A-levels, ahhh.. that's 4 or 5 years ago, huh? Time flies and it's still the freshest memories I had. Anyway, I was a cameraman/vlogger for my friends there for a couple years I guess until recently. A lot had happened but because of my deteriorating studies, I had to stop. Things start to be a bit clearer on my real social situation.
Simply, I wasn't a bit social in life at all. I've grown so accustomed to just filming or photographing people, I was practically mute if no one tried to talk to me. It became, very difficult to even think of relationships. It was as if I had to start from zero again.
Only up until now, do I try a little again since in most circumstances, you can say I literally left my past behind and went to somewhere else to start again. I gain back some confidence, what's there to lose when you have nothing to begin with, might as well dive head first into the ground. Since I've been living with myself, I'm actually controlling what, when and how I live, sort of.
At least I notice that I don't over eat when I cook, people are saying I'm getting thin but I don't really see the difference maybe very little. My hair grew to shoulder length too, I was thinking to keep growing my hair to medium-long even after I have left UK (which would be a sad day), but really depends how I look with long hair. I'm hoping it looks like those scholars from animes which looks graceful and cool but damn my dandruff problem.
Still no success though, at most I can just go straight in fb and chat with someone I'm interested. One thing I realise is, people nowadays at least for me, chat to either get help or plan something. Even if it is trivial chit chat, it'll be rare. Even rarer, discussing something deep.
Anywoop, although I still fail to connect threads, I can tell myself I tried and that, readers, is a huge step for me.
Wouldn't it be a bit selfish to say, you have nobody now?
I wouldn't know, you'd think it's because I'm a guy and I'm pretty dense to see things like this. But knowing myself, any trace or bits of clue that I'm liked by someone, I will definitely know for sure. But the fact is, there's none. That's the most confounded thing in my life actually.
I'd question myself, what am I lacking. I admit though, back then my priority was just education and personal development, relationship was something I never dared to try to find, even though there temptations. Also because I stay to true to my promise when my mum told me so and the fact that adolescent relationships are rarely stable.
Next was confidence, at first I thought, you know maybe I was overweight and didn't look attractive much. But it was just because I wasn't confident; brave enough to be direct about my feelings and before I knew it, I was too late.
You don't know how many times I think back all the chances I could have tried. You can literally see the regret in your decision if you didn't take any action. I wished I've watched youtube videos earlier in my life. The phrase 'what do you have to lose?' should have embedded in my mind.
The problem is, if you like a person but you've just been friendly to her since the beginning, the chances are she'll think you as just a friend and it gets harder to fess up. I was too shy for my own good.
Back in A-levels, ahhh.. that's 4 or 5 years ago, huh? Time flies and it's still the freshest memories I had. Anyway, I was a cameraman/vlogger for my friends there for a couple years I guess until recently. A lot had happened but because of my deteriorating studies, I had to stop. Things start to be a bit clearer on my real social situation.
Simply, I wasn't a bit social in life at all. I've grown so accustomed to just filming or photographing people, I was practically mute if no one tried to talk to me. It became, very difficult to even think of relationships. It was as if I had to start from zero again.
Only up until now, do I try a little again since in most circumstances, you can say I literally left my past behind and went to somewhere else to start again. I gain back some confidence, what's there to lose when you have nothing to begin with, might as well dive head first into the ground. Since I've been living with myself, I'm actually controlling what, when and how I live, sort of.
At least I notice that I don't over eat when I cook, people are saying I'm getting thin but I don't really see the difference maybe very little. My hair grew to shoulder length too, I was thinking to keep growing my hair to medium-long even after I have left UK (which would be a sad day), but really depends how I look with long hair. I'm hoping it looks like those scholars from animes which looks graceful and cool but damn my dandruff problem.
Still no success though, at most I can just go straight in fb and chat with someone I'm interested. One thing I realise is, people nowadays at least for me, chat to either get help or plan something. Even if it is trivial chit chat, it'll be rare. Even rarer, discussing something deep.
Anywoop, although I still fail to connect threads, I can tell myself I tried and that, readers, is a huge step for me.
