Some things never change [My May Summary]

[Off Topic] Ok have to make this quick, exams are a only tomorrow away from now and i'm not even at half way with my revisions. But after Wednesday, my whole life will seem to have broken free from and enclosed barrier of gloom and despair, lots of things i want to do are ahead of me and well at looking past my self inflicted emotions and start anew.

Another months passing is but of a 1/12 of a year had passed and only a tiny part of my life had been ended, yet things can change dramatically even in a period of one second. If i would compare my stress level between May and April, i think it's more higher but more specific in nature, mainly because of the coming examination but on the contrary, i'm more particularly stressed over social problems. That's the thing of my past though if anyone's reading this emo-ish blog are concerned, yeap, i recover easily, why? I'm emotional but i'm still a guy, nuff' said. Regardless, with all that misery going on i still find times to enjoy myself, life's not all bad, you know.

Here's the summarised list of what i've done this month, little that is productive.

May Summary

1. I watched great movie - Gran Torino(Recommended)
2. I was a cameraman for my brother on the day his registration in marriage.
3. I'm beginning to do sit ups and pumping whenever i can.
4. I played only a few games this month which is a surprise for me.
5. I am pretty screwed up in college(Anti-social + insensitive)
6. I pathetically confessed about my love which made me do 5.
7. I only memorized cases for my exam.
8. I became a fan of Perfume(See video post below, recommeded)
9. I became a music searching program for Kim's weird mixed taste of music.
10. I built some miniature models with some that i share with Marcus and Junior, waiting for more.
11. I first time slept for 12 hours and haven't eaten for 15 hours.
12. I first time studied for more than 10 hours outside of my home with a few others.
13. I ate at Las Vacas with two older brothers, yummmmy.
14. I first time studied alone at a cafe called Kitchen Creatures(thanks to Marcus) for just measly 3 hours.
15. I'm growing my hair to shoulder length.
16. I saved a fly that was drowning in my Old Town Enriched Chocolate drink.

Well, i think i just saved the trouble for you of having to read boring emphasizes of each things i did this month. Saves me the trouble of having to put time-wasting daily routine posts which i think you and i don't really give a damn why i said Kim has weird mixed taste of music, why i gotta thanks Marcus or why i saved a frigging fly, riiiiiight?

There's things i'm proud to do, that confession of mine, i'm proud of it, it clears the air for me if not for both of us, it destroys any suspicions anyone that is having. And it seems, there's not much of a difference afterwards, it's just deep feeling, though for normal teenagers that has no balls, it would probably kill themselves if they did it. What's my state of my mind now? Do i still want to find love? For the first question, yes i'm fine, again, because i'n not a kid anymore. As for the second question, i would be delightful to say yes, in a way, i became casual with it. I'll just reach for any girl right now, not to sound like a player of course but, it's because i don't want to have a clinging feeling on people thats all. So, be casual about love then, what's wrong with eating eye candies and liking every girl you think you're interested in. Sounds a lot more fun then having to like only one.

In the end though, not to contradict myself, but one day, one day i'll accept back that clinging feeling for a girl, and when that time comes, i'm going all out for her.

PS: Anyone trying to be busy body and ask me about this, i'll of course ignore you, but you're someone i'm not close with is asking me about this, just remember what i'm thinking when you ask about it, i would think:

"So? Why is this your business?" *The rest would be harshly cursing at you to go away*

Just remember that when you ask about this :)

Perfume - Computer City

Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta rakuen de
Hitotsu dake uso janai aishiteru

Doushite nee computer konna ni kurushii no
A-- doushite okashi no computer city

Kumo to kumo no aida wo tsuki nukete
Daremo mita koto no nai basho he
Yume no naka de egaite ita basho he
Arifureta speed wo koete

Mou sugu kawaru yo sekai ga
Mou sugu bokura no nani ka ga

Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta kono machi wo
Niige dashitai kowashinai
Shinjitsu wa aru no kana
Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta rakuen de
Hitotsu dake uso janai aishiteru

Doushite nee computer konna ni kurushii no
A-- doushite okashi no computer city

Zettai koshou da teyuuka arienai
Boku ga kimi no kotoba de nayamu hazuha nai

Kioku to kioku no aida ta dotte
Daremo mita koto no nai basho he
Yume no naka de egai te ita basho he
Arifureta speed wo koete

Mou sugu kawaru yo sekai ga
Mou sugu bokura no nani ka ga

Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta kono machi wo
Niige dashitai kowashinai
Shinjitsu wa aru no kana
Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta rakuen de
Hitotsu dake uso janai aishiteru

Doushite nee computer konna ni kurushii no
A-- doushite okashi no computer city

Zettai koshou da teyuuka arienai
Boku ga kimi no kotoba de nayamu hazuha nai

You'd feel useless, to only watch.

Looking at the people around me,
just looking at them,
how they'd work hard to live,
Looking back at myself,
just looking into the mirror,
What have i done,
to say i've done the same?


I had so many things in life supporting me,
I think i understand why Winnie said,
"The college has only been spoon feeding.."
But the i way i would interpret it to myself,
it wasn't only college that has been doing that,
my whole life's been like that.


Friends, family, teachers, lecturers.
I knew people were helping throughout my life, i was grateful but i didn't know i was helped in almost every situation i was in. No matter how little the assistance was helpful to me, no matter how unimportant it may look to me, everyone had took all kinds bullets for me and i took it for granted.


Most of the time i'd think about my current state; how lonely i am now, how it hurts to know love is hard to get; how i'd kept emphasizing true friendship, how i just kept quiet around friends and family, doing nothing to bond, waiting for someone to interact with me. People always took the initiative to help me, i would act independent, deep down i crave for it. I'm such a damn hypocrite.


i hate the fact that i'm being praised by people that was behind it, without them i would have fall, i deserve no praise when i can't even look at myself and i say i did good with a certain task. I'm lazy, that's a fact, not because i've studied constantly before exams, i've done nothing but only attending classes and i know for certain that's not enough. I'm not even sure what i'm good at, at this point of time, all that has happened had been either luck or through other people's assistance. The question now, how long is it going to last?


Exams starting next Tuesday, and i haven't sort through my mind, i will always be the "Thinker", sitting there just like that statue, thinking and doing nothing. Looking at stressed out hardworking students, everyone except me, still able to find the time, taking videos and pictures of them, writing this blog.


I'm mediocre in everything, including my life. I have trouble believing myself, i would be able to provide security to the person i would want to chase right now.I am no stupid yet i am no genius either, girls nowadays are smarter, more beautiful, more independent, what do they benefit by having a guy that's below average? I'm dependent on others, i'm no gentlemen, i do not have high determination to work or study, i'm insensitive, i'm slow, i'm not handsome, i'm overweight, i'm anti-social, i'm a guy with no balls. Sure i'm emo now, put if you view it realistically, i'm not wrong, in the real world, i'm a slob. Did i ever helped more than 5 people in my lifetime? Did i ever helped Marcus about doing something? Did i really helped Junior in his studies? Have i been cold to Lee Tat, Chew Teng, Elaine, Jo Ann, See Wei, Kean Hoe and others? Have i paid back my family for the things they gone through for me?


I felt useless around Marcus, more to just being a nuisance around him and requesting for things, same for when Junior asked my help, i'm no more knowledgeable than him before i take out the contract textbook to read it. I'd say i want to be more social with you all but i avoid conversations, doesn't matter if they were topics about casual things or just pure stupidity, i was being choosy about friends, i was selfish and ignorant of people's feelings, when was the last time i truly talk to Jo Ann, when was the last time i asked something about See Wei, did we ever go to more than just typical friends? Sometimes, i wish i was a girl, because it's impossible for me to talk to a girl deeply, without looking like i'm hitting on her or something. Now i regret it even more when exams had kept everyone on a tight leash.


I won't realize what an idiot i am until i walk out of college, how foolish i can be by missing out all those opportunities to change and repent, everyday i go through this cycle, maybe that's why every time i go back home i'd feel tired and would care less about tomorrow. I won't ask for your forgiveness or pity, because i brought it to myself and i haven't change anything about it, only realization.


PS: I will continue to be as open as possible with my blog because i hate hiding things between you and me, don't worry, it'll only be about facts of feelings and opinions from me about you. I won't spill any beans about somebody, only beans that are from me.