You'd feel useless, to only watch.

Looking at the people around me,
just looking at them,
how they'd work hard to live,
Looking back at myself,
just looking into the mirror,
What have i done,
to say i've done the same?


I had so many things in life supporting me,
I think i understand why Winnie said,
"The college has only been spoon feeding.."
But the i way i would interpret it to myself,
it wasn't only college that has been doing that,
my whole life's been like that.


Friends, family, teachers, lecturers.
I knew people were helping throughout my life, i was grateful but i didn't know i was helped in almost every situation i was in. No matter how little the assistance was helpful to me, no matter how unimportant it may look to me, everyone had took all kinds bullets for me and i took it for granted.


Most of the time i'd think about my current state; how lonely i am now, how it hurts to know love is hard to get; how i'd kept emphasizing true friendship, how i just kept quiet around friends and family, doing nothing to bond, waiting for someone to interact with me. People always took the initiative to help me, i would act independent, deep down i crave for it. I'm such a damn hypocrite.


i hate the fact that i'm being praised by people that was behind it, without them i would have fall, i deserve no praise when i can't even look at myself and i say i did good with a certain task. I'm lazy, that's a fact, not because i've studied constantly before exams, i've done nothing but only attending classes and i know for certain that's not enough. I'm not even sure what i'm good at, at this point of time, all that has happened had been either luck or through other people's assistance. The question now, how long is it going to last?


Exams starting next Tuesday, and i haven't sort through my mind, i will always be the "Thinker", sitting there just like that statue, thinking and doing nothing. Looking at stressed out hardworking students, everyone except me, still able to find the time, taking videos and pictures of them, writing this blog.


I'm mediocre in everything, including my life. I have trouble believing myself, i would be able to provide security to the person i would want to chase right now.I am no stupid yet i am no genius either, girls nowadays are smarter, more beautiful, more independent, what do they benefit by having a guy that's below average? I'm dependent on others, i'm no gentlemen, i do not have high determination to work or study, i'm insensitive, i'm slow, i'm not handsome, i'm overweight, i'm anti-social, i'm a guy with no balls. Sure i'm emo now, put if you view it realistically, i'm not wrong, in the real world, i'm a slob. Did i ever helped more than 5 people in my lifetime? Did i ever helped Marcus about doing something? Did i really helped Junior in his studies? Have i been cold to Lee Tat, Chew Teng, Elaine, Jo Ann, See Wei, Kean Hoe and others? Have i paid back my family for the things they gone through for me?


I felt useless around Marcus, more to just being a nuisance around him and requesting for things, same for when Junior asked my help, i'm no more knowledgeable than him before i take out the contract textbook to read it. I'd say i want to be more social with you all but i avoid conversations, doesn't matter if they were topics about casual things or just pure stupidity, i was being choosy about friends, i was selfish and ignorant of people's feelings, when was the last time i truly talk to Jo Ann, when was the last time i asked something about See Wei, did we ever go to more than just typical friends? Sometimes, i wish i was a girl, because it's impossible for me to talk to a girl deeply, without looking like i'm hitting on her or something. Now i regret it even more when exams had kept everyone on a tight leash.


I won't realize what an idiot i am until i walk out of college, how foolish i can be by missing out all those opportunities to change and repent, everyday i go through this cycle, maybe that's why every time i go back home i'd feel tired and would care less about tomorrow. I won't ask for your forgiveness or pity, because i brought it to myself and i haven't change anything about it, only realization.


PS: I will continue to be as open as possible with my blog because i hate hiding things between you and me, don't worry, it'll only be about facts of feelings and opinions from me about you. I won't spill any beans about somebody, only beans that are from me.