Basically i just went straight through the junction, you know the place where there's blocks of yellow and black striped things to prevent people from going straight bla bla bla. Anyways, he was in front of me and i paid him frigging 30 bucks, didn't really care to bargain because i was really pissed. But to be honest though, if i were to follow the "right way", i think i'd have to make detour to get to the parking area under the Tun Sambathan Monorail Station, a really really long detour.
I didn't plan on telling about this besides my parents, surprisingly enough they didn't scold me badly about it, probably because they could tell how i felt just by looking at my pissed off face. Anyhow i don't want people to worry about me that's all, simply because it's not a big deal and i believe i should be able to handle my stupid mistakes.
Did thought about driving through the guy after i parked my car beside the streets and paid RM1.10 which was suppose to be what i could've just spent. But i guess it's not worth getting into jail just to kill a corrupted cop. Now before you go "gasp! Jake's so violent", i have to tell you they are just thoughts, it'll never reflect the real me in reality. But i have to say, who doesn't have this kind of thoughts every once in a while. For example, you might feel so angry you just want to pull out something and throw it at that person or punch him senselessly.
The violent side of me, well i don't think it has ever resurfaced after Form 2. Yeah, i was kind of a bully before that but i guess i was immoral; plainly speaking i haven't truly learned how to be a good person. More or less anger controlled my actions, i was ill tempered. Before i say any further, note that i'm just talking my past. Anyways, i acted this way because it was fun and felt rewarding; beating someone up because they call names, make fun of you, didn't accept your opinions.. that's probably half of the reason i have "fun-friends" because i liked to play rough. There wasn't exactly any real fight but when it happens, you feel that sudden rage, that thrill, the adrenaline pumping into your heart. At those circumstances, if it was a chasing game, the only thing you want to do is catch that guy and just bring the person down to the floor, proving you were better, the violent way. It may be child play but the feeling of pride and satisfaction wasn't.
Probably one of the reasons why i don't have any primary school friends that wanted to contact me, well, that time i thought those were my friends, didn't really take into account people didn't like getting bullied. Even my closest friend who i had been with together for the whole 6 years, didn't want to talk to me, after so many years i found him through Facebook. Heh, who knows, i'm probably the few people in Malaysia who doesn't have primary or secondary school friends. As far as i am concerned, i only regretted about avoiding my secondary school friends as i would have tons of fun going here and there. However, it's not "real" fun because it seemed like the fun only required "bodies" to have with but no "soul" was needed.
It sounds sad but i guess i was ignorant about it when i was together with them until the very last few outings, so i probably only felt left out for a while. "Only a few outings and you ditched them forever?" Yeah, try and sit together with a bunch of people and seeing the persons sitting beside you talking to someone else AND not just once but several occasions. So me being the quiet one should always remain silent, isn't it?
*deep breath* anyways, after Form 3 i learned not to use my fists to do the talking, because it never truly worked to solve problems. But i was still ill-tempered at home, get a bit annoyed and i'll ape-shit and break into an argument. I only realized i had anger problems when i started to go to college, even though my mum constantly told me i am easily angered, which of course i was in denial. Things like this you just have to realize and deal with it yourself, nobody helped me with controlling my anger, i just constantly calm myself in my mind.
Well, that'll only suppress at the time, doesn't stop me from being pissed, as in effected emotionally about it. So where do i release all this steam kept in my mind? Best would be talk about it to a girl, because guys don't listen, but most of the time there won't be one suitable and available, probably people around me assume i'm not sensitive, but a serious person judging from my attitude in the real world. The next best solution would be here, only for the more emotional stuff though, minor stuffs that annoy me would probably end up in Twitter or Facebook only.
Have to be honest though, times like this, i will always want someone special sitting beside me. I would define this feeling as being lost and in need of someone to support you. Well, after sometime i would shrug it off, stare seriously into the distant, and get back up from where i fell. I just have to tell myself, "those wishes can only come true when you're asleep, you have bigger things to worry about."
Though to elaborate my point even further, yes, being single isn't detrimental, prime example would be Kimberley, though i could suggest she's an exception to the general rule. The high level of intelligence, confidence, stamina, charisma, and loving family & friends; there's very little room for that extra person in her life. People like me, i guess i'm the average joe, typically the person that doesn't have most of the things they are good at and have empty spaces that i need someone to fill in. I don't much to judge about Kim but, probably no one would like to have someone like me that is just average or maybe lower than average. I'm being really honest, i know who i am and where do i stand among others. It's not like i always feel lonely, i have friends and family that care about me but sad times like this, it's inevitable.
"Life's more than just love bla bla bla", yeah yeah, you may say otherwise and be positive about it but that's how i view singles go through their lives, it's only the level of "loneliness" which vary from one person to another, it doesn't change the fact that it DOES happen. I'm not saying this to demotivate the "single" readers but to simply see the reality of it. Of course, i could be well wrong about my opinions and views, there are people who stay single for the rest of their lives and they seem to be okay with it. Just saying, i'm not trying to generalise singles but to say out what i see and what i feel. Emotionally, i just think loving that someone takes first priority over everything else. Rationally, no, life's aims are too important to risk falling in love. Which will triumph, emotions or rationality? i can never be certain of the future, so here's funny pic just for fun.
FOREVER ALONE hahaha, just kidding, keep believing in yourselves, peeps.
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