2 Months Exam Plan

Starting from March.

First two weeks use for studying CLR.
Second two weeks use for studying Criminal Law.
Third two weeks use for studying Contract Law.
Fourth two weeks use for studying Public Law.

More than enough.

What its like to be normal?

Bluntly speaking, being alone and feeling alone, two different things, first one i like, the other one i don't, won't discuss further the latter; even though the two of them sometimes do exist together.

Mainly because the comfortability of being alone, when there's people, friend or family, i have the tendency to interact, either directly talking to the person or acting in a manner, common courtesy to acknowledge the person is there as i think of it. Narrowing down to just myself, the need for interaction just makes me uneasy, especially in terms of being with friends that are not close.

Closeness, something that i take for granted by family but seldom shown by friends. Now you have to know, being close is different as of being friendly etc. Chester - very friendly to all people; a group girl-friends - very close to each other.

So what i'm i trying to prove you think? Simple, i'm trying to define myself as always have been, maybe because i'm having an identity crisis. 

From the looks of it, i'm neither, in terms of showing it out. Accordingly, closeness or friendly rather exists in (lack of a better word to describe) only theory in contrary to being practical. But surely i'm not saying i'm cold hearted, just that as the saying goes, 'action speaks louder than words'.

Don't you think, it is the same for both a person that doesn't want to help and a person that only thinks about helping? Normal people like you all(i'm not) would judge the same unless you have mind reading powers which of course is virtually impossible. Same goes for my situation but lets not talk about how bad it is.

Rather, the question would be, should i change my attitude?

"Unlikely", the word just pops in my head, this of course to know why, we look back at what i first said, being alone just suits me the most. I'm having a hard time to decide what is the correct way to call this attidude, lazy? emo? uncaring? or a loner? They all somehow don't fit the description wholly.

I feel bad about withholding thoughts and feelings in my mind but then again, i feel better when i'm alone. For the next question to be asked, how does one gets "close" without being awkward or fake?

I still don't have a concrete answer for that, for myself, but one things certain is that not any method works. Like the videos i've made, in words, of course there are people who are grateful, but probably for that moment in time. People are quite forgetful, as i nearly forgot the ones that actually show gratitude back.

Don't misunderstand, i'm not desperate for attention or for acknowledgement, it is something i wonder as my life, maybe just the student part of it, is significantly different from all you readers. Friends that stick with you all the time, keep in contact even you all haven't met each other for years, helping through thick and thin, know each other from head to toe, i don't think i have anything as close as you already have.

Like prayers to God, i would like to see how the readers how they are able to have what i don't Or maybe give thought as to how you cope with my life if you were in my shoes.

Forgetful. [January 2011 Summary]

This year's first month had past and i totally forgot to do a summary for it. Well as commonly said, better late than never.

My January 2011 Summary


All i can remember is despair, hard to recall anything significant had happened but there are some.

1. Attended Winnie's Birthday Party at Kelab Dahrul Ehsan as an amateur photographer.
2. First time encounter breakdown of car by myself.
3. Planning of CNY Reunion dinner was in ways, stressful but still considerably successful.
4. Played games.
5. Did assingment.
6. Went out with Marcus & Junior, successfully persuaded Junior to buy the big miniature bug on that day itself.

Anything else is probably a waste of time spent on grieving or in other words emo-ing.

Wii~~~~ WARHAMMER!

Big bro got us a Wii last Saturday, i was expecting it to be boring and true in most circumstances.

But usually the first few days of playing excessively will be due enjoying a new experience since i never played games that require moving the remote control in any possible imaginable.

I think the excitement will pass in a few more weeks i guess, but for some reason it fuels my passion for tabletop wargaming even more. The more i play the Wii, the more i think about strategies and what not.

Maybe originally i wanted to influence my bros to play tabletop wargaming instead. Which playing Wii reminds me of how better the other one is albeit more time consuming.

Sorry if the readers have no interest in things like this and surely find it hard understanding why i rather prefer moving miniatures around on a big table instead of waving the Wii-mote around. But then again how many loyal readers of mine plays games more often than the average person?

Understanding one's liking is impossible if one does not share the same view but how about this, to agree to disagree. In a way, it's like i don't understand why fans of boy/girl bands such as Super Junior and G-Generation, go to extremes to buy expensive albums, concert tickets, posters and all sorts of ways to support their idols; similarly i don't understand why otakus go to extremes to watch animes, worship voice-actor idols, collect figurines and whatever acts the society would deem 'inappropriate and unnatural'.

From the above paragraph, am i able to establish a 'mutual understanding' amongst us? Simply, we all love something, to even an deep emotional level, hence we're not so different when we think about it.

With that said, i would like to know more about my readers and perhaps the blogs i follow, encourage you to express your love for something so extreme that the average joe would not understand. Give your reasoning to that passion of yours; this post is merely to tell the world why you love whatever that you do and would sacrifice for it to happen.

I was struggling to understand this as i tried to influence my brothers to like what i love to do but at the end i found out this is not possible, because everyone has their likings and more importantly their dislikes and accept the way how it should be.

Nevertheless, here's (although not as passionate as any true fan would be)  why i passionately love Warhammer 40,000.

People around me, due to the rarity of the game being popular in Malaysia, would only know for a fact that it's some lame-ass table game that consumes so much time and space to play once that you rather play real games. That statement,  how far is it true is how far an average person sees it.

I would like to make it clear, it's not merely 'a game' through the eyes of an experience player, it's much more than that. Before i even contemplated in playing the tabletop version of the game, i only knew it when playing the pc versions of it and to be honest, it's not because the game was fun, but rather i found the story to be interesting, even though i do not know the main story of it at that time and i only knew the humans i was playing as were super-powered beings that can kick any ass in the universe.

Soon of course, around the time i started to get to know Marcus better, i found out he was also familiar with the pc version of it and told me there was more to just the story in the game. I found out the Warhammer 40k universe was much more larger in scale than i thought, amongst so many alien species, the Space Marines had the most impressive plot i ever seen, if you want to learn more about it, here's Wikipedia's summary of it. But basically, the main story is about a man during the year 30,000, only had been known to be referred as the Emperor among the space marines while worshipped as a God by humans, who had conquered all humanity and left it protected by 8-feet tall genetically modified super humans when he was mortally wounded by one of his generals called Horus during the "Horus Heresy".

I'm not going to go any further because the story gets deeper and expands even more. To add even more, there even plots for other alien species too. But anyways, after researching a bit on my own, Marcus lent me his novels when he saw the spark in me, literally, and it burnt ever so brightly after i read them. To be honest, it's really the novels that got me going, i never read other kinds of novels before but these books definitely caught my attention, my imaginations was over-flowing, i never thought reading books could stimulate my brains to imagine, if i would say why is that the authors had done a really good job in describing each and every scene. From the bloody fights, the dark-grim worlds and the snappy dialogues between persons, you can easily see a video playing in your mind as you read it.

Maybe i'm sounding too exaggerative but that's really how i feel when i read them. I'm judging all through my reading of my first novels, although i have read stories, it's not the same at all.

Reading the books was the last step for me to get into wargaming, but for you information, before i fully read the books, Marcus did mentioned about the tabletop version, yet at that time, i was still inclined to start playing, probably because i was i thought it was just a game, a boring and slow game, and yet i'm where i am now, miniatures filling my table.

The real main purpose, of wargaming, is that i crave to understand more about the WH40K universe, each battle lets me understand more how the different beings fight, i see my army grow each time i assemble my miniatures, each time i paint my miniatures, i bring life and story into them.

One last thing i like to say about is that i'm able to meet all sorts of people when i go and play, either to make friends or enemies, it's always nice to know someone shares the view and understands what wargaming is all about.

So to conclude and rephrase again, wargaming is not just a game nor is it just about collecting miniatures, it's literally a passion in life.

Thank you for taking your time to understand a bit more about this side of me, hopefully come to accept it too.

feels like more than that.

It's only been 4-6 days, but i felt like i haven't blogged for more than that.

But i'm not gonna post sad stuff no more, whole blog feels super grim because of it. Will only update when i have good things to talk about, ignore the bad stuffs i guess.

Valentines Day actually caught my attention before it came this year. Wondered i should do, then i saw the box of Ferrero Rocher lying around, was a gift from a relative. Nobody ate it until the idea i thought about that i should wrap them up and give some of the girls at college the chocolate.

The main purpose for it i guess is to show some love i guess, even though i practically just gave them like a promoter gives out leaflets, not much of a talker. Though i'm glad that i managed to give all 10 gifts (two chocs in each) to girls both single and coupled, even gave one to Ms. Diana.

Would be lying to myself if i said there wasn't any ulterior motive to it but it's secondary at best. Before that day, i did contemplate on whether to make a move on that girl, taking the chance as they say. But i knew that would be unlikely to happen because i'm not brave enough, so i guess i opt for this idea instead of getting a date. Now to whoever's reading and have given you that tiny gift.. for all intent and purposes.. it's just a friendly love, to speculate any more.. is of your discretion.

Oops, too much hint, so technically, this was the day i liked about for this week while the other being able to restore my passion for tabletop gaming but only when the 3 months holiday comes and the new book for my army comes will i go back and battle against Marcus, random folks at the shop, or Junior, when his giant bug is assembled, which if he is reading this, i encourage him during his holidays, learn how to play Warhammer 40K with his army as i am eager to play against and i have waited far too long~~

Or i'm just lying to myself and he's really not that interested in it after all and pissed about it, JUST KIDDING LOLWTFBBQ.

but srsly, when dude, when~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But you won't do the same.

My last blog post before i go hiatus, this song means to me a bit differently. Let's just hope, i haven't lost hope in sacrificing for friends.

Keep moving on.

Haven't posted for a few days.

Reasons : Sick, busy, forgot.

Result: Thoughts overflowing into reality.

Resolve: Let it flow, continue with life, possibly getting sick of blogging about all those negativity.

Postpone blogging indefinitely. Until i get back up and find the brighter side of life.

...just saying.

A man like me who prefer looks over personalities and still consider personalities even with looks, should remain alone for the rest of his life. 


Don't do anything if you agree.

Daily Isolation [Day 24]

5th February 2011

Visit from Uncle & Aunt Tan's family.

Gambled first time for the year, didn't lose much at all.

Played games with brother.

Hypocritical

 A higher understanding of life, how many people can actually achieve it without getting any more realistic?

 I've kinda reach to the point of no return where i'm unable to be carefree and feel good about it.

All i can ask now, is how does it feel like to have friends that wants to be close with each other? And the other question would be, how does it feel to love and be loved in return?

Maybe 3 years or 5 years of time, i still wouldn't know, all this thinking of 3-4 steps ahead is not giving me any true happiness.

"Why burden yourself and extricating the people probably don't even deserve the remind gesture?"

Someone commented this in this post. Some how true. The only thing i've always wanted is closure from friends, but that wasn't possible, neither love was.

I've always imagined myself having friends, not many, 3 or 4, at my room or at a field of grass, it's always a peaceful and fun scenario. For sensitivity reasons, i would rather have them being more girls than guys, because guys usually talk more about games, cars and what not nonsense and crap guys can talk about.

I think some of my readers would understand since mostly you'd experienced it before, not me, but i imagine you're able to fully relax and chat to your hearts content.

Almost every week that image pops in my head, wishing to come true. But, as reality kicks in, it becomes obvious that it'll always be a figment of my imagination. It's hard, not being able to blame it onto someone, it's really just because of attitude and how my friends react to it, in my case, just let the friendship between each other rot until there's only a face and a name remembered.

Well, it's not all that  bad i guess, blogging is another way to do it, albeit i'm talking to myself most of the time since there's not much response. At least there are people reading.

My life's not bad when you think about the time i'll eventually die, at least you can imagine who genuinely acknowledged your existent and cared about you in life. That's how i comfort myself nowadays, not sad, just pathetic and desperate, right readers?

Daily Isolation [Day 23]

4th February 2011

Boring & emo-ish day.

Daily Isolation [Day 21 & 22]

2nd February 2011

Had Reunion Dinner at home, had the usual dishes mum made, additional dish was shark fin soup.

Finished a quarter of my assignment.

Went to Jing Long Shan Shrine, took pictures.

Finished playing Dead Space 2.

3rd February 2011

Had a vegetarian meal at home.

Visited Uncle & Aunt Tan's house.

Played games with brothers.

Daily Isolation [Day 20]

1st February 2011

woke up by alarm but tried to sleep again.

Helped prepare BBQ stuffs.

ate some hotdogs, chicken wings and other stuffs.

first time put up a Kong Ming Lantern, wrote my signature and made a wish, made a successful flight.

NOTE: If you trouble trying to post in the Cbox, sorry but changing back would result ads flooding the Cbox, instead what you can do is comment below posts, that'll make an even lasting impression into the blog. The Cbox's not really for chatting anyways.

Love Dreams

No idea what you call them but i'm definitely not talking about those dreams if you know what i mean.

Basically i just wanna tell that i'm having dreams of love. Not all of the dream in one night is considered to be it though, but that single yet memorable part of the dream is so real in terms of the feeling.

It's real in a way since i have no control and expectations of what's gonna next, usually when i dream i still have some "godly" power to control my surroundings but not times like this.

What made it real was also the fact that the person was real, at least in the dream world. The personalities may not make sense once i wake up and think about it but who knows, love changes a person.

Now now, you readers probably wondering who i'm dreaming about, am i correct? or maybe something that goes "Ewww, which girl had been dreamt by this perverted-emo-weird freak?" Yeah... that pretty much what the average joe would think, but anyways it's not hard to guess who since i don't know a lot of people and the other fact about my dreams is that it's past memories just mixed together to form another reality. Who knows(except me) it might be someone i'm close, it might be someone i just talked to, or it might be someone i'd fallen in love with in the past or it might be someone i still have a crush on.

The other question would be how did the dream go? Well as far as i remember, it's not long and i'm not sure how to describe it without sounding romantic.

Love Dream #1

First it's just some scene at a bedroom, a bedroom with separated beds which i think it's maybe a room for a number of people to sleep in (i have no control over where i dream things). The girl was lying on a bed horizontally or side ways, the bed was big enough that her legs were still on it, unrealistically, she was reading a magazine about wargaming, joyfully if i might say with her legs going swaying up and down like any girl would.

The view was from behind so i guess i was sitting on another bed, looking at her, reason was i couldn't see her face, probably cause that's the beginning of the scene and i just 'appeared' on the bed. But then, she sort of pressed up against the bed and turned to look back at me, with the magazine on her hand, as if she wanted to ask something. That's when i got a glimpse of how she looked like and right afterwards i knew who she was, yet i'm not totally surprised who she was.

She asked me something about the magazine, what the symbols meant, there was one word i could remember, "obelisk", probably makes no sense but i answered her back. The magazine was filled with illustrations, symbols and words, probably about a game i thought. After a while, i came over to her bed, slightly lying down next to her, with my overall body facing the bed i just sat on and continued to answer her questions while the occasional talk about the magazine comes about. After a while, i moved closer to her, so close that everytime we moved, our shoulders touched each other, i probably would've smelled her hair if this wasn't a dream. There was also the occasional hands bumping to each other as i pointed something on the magazine, then it finally lead me into holding her hand gently and afterwards intertwined between her fingers. I felt loved, probably.

I got up, in a sitting pose, still beside her. She went up too, sitting beside me. Her right hand wrapped around me and then clasped into my hand as my left hand wrapped around her too, her head was on my chest. The next i remembered is that she said something to me which probably made no sense too but nevertheless

She said "From now on, i'll never be angry with you again."

I kinda wished we were able to stay like that forever, and the feeling of it too. But the romantic part of it ended when i think a friend of hers came, and we immediately separated from each other and i sat back at my bed while she talks to her friend.

 Afterwards i was awaken by my alarm, wanted to dream about it again, but sadly, my dreams don't work that way.

Well, to be honest, i don't understand one bit about the story of the dream, but the feeling of it was quite real. Readers if you can, enlighten me please? If you can, i'll give you a hint who it is hahahah.

Daily Isolation [Day 19]

31st January 2011

Woke up by some sort of flower smell.

Did some chores, cut a bit my hair and it was mindless addictive flash games almost all night long.

For those that don't have iPhone-like gadgets, join me at Kongregate.com and play addictive but awesome flash games.