What its like to be normal?

Bluntly speaking, being alone and feeling alone, two different things, first one i like, the other one i don't, won't discuss further the latter; even though the two of them sometimes do exist together.

Mainly because the comfortability of being alone, when there's people, friend or family, i have the tendency to interact, either directly talking to the person or acting in a manner, common courtesy to acknowledge the person is there as i think of it. Narrowing down to just myself, the need for interaction just makes me uneasy, especially in terms of being with friends that are not close.

Closeness, something that i take for granted by family but seldom shown by friends. Now you have to know, being close is different as of being friendly etc. Chester - very friendly to all people; a group girl-friends - very close to each other.

So what i'm i trying to prove you think? Simple, i'm trying to define myself as always have been, maybe because i'm having an identity crisis. 

From the looks of it, i'm neither, in terms of showing it out. Accordingly, closeness or friendly rather exists in (lack of a better word to describe) only theory in contrary to being practical. But surely i'm not saying i'm cold hearted, just that as the saying goes, 'action speaks louder than words'.

Don't you think, it is the same for both a person that doesn't want to help and a person that only thinks about helping? Normal people like you all(i'm not) would judge the same unless you have mind reading powers which of course is virtually impossible. Same goes for my situation but lets not talk about how bad it is.

Rather, the question would be, should i change my attitude?

"Unlikely", the word just pops in my head, this of course to know why, we look back at what i first said, being alone just suits me the most. I'm having a hard time to decide what is the correct way to call this attidude, lazy? emo? uncaring? or a loner? They all somehow don't fit the description wholly.

I feel bad about withholding thoughts and feelings in my mind but then again, i feel better when i'm alone. For the next question to be asked, how does one gets "close" without being awkward or fake?

I still don't have a concrete answer for that, for myself, but one things certain is that not any method works. Like the videos i've made, in words, of course there are people who are grateful, but probably for that moment in time. People are quite forgetful, as i nearly forgot the ones that actually show gratitude back.

Don't misunderstand, i'm not desperate for attention or for acknowledgement, it is something i wonder as my life, maybe just the student part of it, is significantly different from all you readers. Friends that stick with you all the time, keep in contact even you all haven't met each other for years, helping through thick and thin, know each other from head to toe, i don't think i have anything as close as you already have.

Like prayers to God, i would like to see how the readers how they are able to have what i don't Or maybe give thought as to how you cope with my life if you were in my shoes.