Never asked why.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Life has been dandy after exams, doing things i want, like progressing my wargaming hobby, whilst generally being productive and improving myself physically and mentally. So i just want to say it out rather than keep it in my mind.

It's really simple but has been bugging me ever since, I'm not blind to see that Kim has a Facebook account again, nor did i not notice that she has added everyone else except me for the pass few days. I was heart-broken at first, but then i thought to myself, why? Too many possibilities. Of course, i wouldn't be ignorant about it relating to what happened before in late March. Though, would it be just that? I thought more, and the more i thought, it came down to my behaviour. Creepy, pessimistic, realistic, uncaring, over-obsessive and impulsive behaviours, all shown in here. If i was her, i couldn't trust myself nor feel at ease in my presence.

It's probably for that reason, i don't want to ask her why. Sure it may clear things, but, i know how i was and how i will be in the future. For that i don't blame her, as minuscule a thing as accepting a friend request, i was offended, but i don't blame her. For a man that puts commitment and rationality as first priority, i'm unstable in every single way. I sought for no forgiveness, but only to move forward without my past haunting me with every step i take.

Internet is like a double-edged sword.

I'm paranoid, the fact that I don't know the reasons.

...and so we move on.

Again, only more than a week had passed since i last posted, yet it feels like a month had passed.

Exams are finally over, they really are. Change comes after, probably.

Right next day, i woke up pretty late, i promised to pick up Qian Yi afterwards so arriving at KLCC is much certainly not going to be on time. I don't know why I'm still doing these "things" but opportunity presents itself, it's hard not to take it. It probably looks like we're going out but not really, she just seems to go "OK" almost every time I offer my help. At the end, nothing really happens, awkward moments yes, i find it really weird to walk with a girl not holding hands nor making much of an interesting conversation together, just plain weird. I know i should be doing something about it, but i can't.

Anyways.. as expected, Pirates of the Carribean was just a bit higher than good, cause it reminded me of the first one, both are similar in that everyone races to get something, either it was a treasure or a curse. The hall was packed, after the movie only then i knew most of the friends had actually came to watch. As far as i know since the time i planned to get the ticket, nobody ever mentioned wanting to go together, yet there they were..

It didn't really bother me much, I suppose i just accepted it. I have friends but, I belonged to no group, 

at the moment.

Which is what i have been looking forward to the holidays, it helps me avoid these 'half-truths'. I'm better off believing It's just me who had changed, and because of that change, it has become what it is 'today'.

But I'm still subconsciously longing for the past, just yesterday midnight. I watch a movie called Shao Lin, i don't know why, i usually get a bit teary when i watch sad ones. But after watching about half way through, i started to cry. Tears just started to flow, emotions flooding into my mind, full of guilt, full of sorrow. I cried and cried, mostly because i could relate a lot about the teachings of Buddhism and reflect them on my life, mostly where i went and what is so wrong about this world. Even after the movie had ended, i still continued to cry, not loudly of course, i tried really hard not to, this is my first time that i can't control crying at all. When i think about the past in college, my mind easily tells me that "i want things to be the same as they were".

Quite pathetic actually, I cried myself to sleep. I'm confused.

But at least i try to move on.

Trying to avoid an argument, fail.

It's nothing really, Public Law exams was a big OK,

I did Rule of Law, RP,  EU & PS and finally HRA 1998.

Did a lot of shortening sentences to finish on time, only managing 3 pages for each questions while some can't fill the third page, forgot cases at the part of my questions, mind just went blank, but still crap something to fill in the page.. One thing i can now though, is to focus on the last three. All will be over.

Michele, i didn't know about your situation, if i knew earlier, i probably wouldn't be feeling guilty that i had left earlier. Remember, don't let this cloud your mind, you have friends and Andrew to help you cope with it and support you all the way. If there is one thing i can do to help, is that i will pray for you. I may not put this sentences into actual words, but if you're feeling helpless, I am here, in your heart, in your mind for you, and so as the others too. Even if i do not show you that side of me, even if we're not physically there, believe it as a fact, not merely in your thoughts.

Less than 3 weeks. Dream talk again.

Counting the coming days, anxious.

I dream a lot of weird stuff recently, so far there has been 3 or 4 dreams that were exceptionally different and of course, remembered them although vividly. But i have to say, it revolves around my past memories, what makes it a dream is because they are mixed together, making no sense after i wake up but when i dream, i refuse to wake up into reality.

There first dream was about some sort time travelling, but only consciousness was went back and into my younger body. I travelled back to a time before i got my SPM results, the start of the dream was confusing, i was still like i was at that time at school when i was still with my secondary school friends, before suddenly my future conscious just strikes into me. All that present memories field my mind, drove me into a state of silent despair. Soon after that was the trigger for me to wake up, but before i woke up for some reason i told the results to the friends around me.

The second dream was more matrix-like. I've lost most of the incidents that happen but it involved me trapped inside a virtual world, the only event i can remember is when the world was crumbling, as if something is terrorizing it because people were running to the opposite we were going. Yeah, there were people stuck in the world too but i can only three which is Kean Hoe, Thomas and MJ. For some reason MJ looked tired and her hair looked messy, i remembered it because i waved at her and then said hello to Thomas, she only dizzily looked at me while a slight nod was given by him. Kean Hoe was behind, i assume we were walking together. The place we were moving on seemed like huge large bridge that was going up that would not work in the real world. It was high up in the sky i guess, while in the distant, a giant worm/dragon was flying in thunder clouds. The last thing that happen before i woke up was actually calling somebody to the real world with my phone, i called Kim and excitingly told her we were trapped inside a computer or something. Probably the sudden realisation i would never actually call her in real life woke me up. Not that i don't want to but.. hey i don't voluntarily call any reason except if we're going and we need to contact each other on our whereabouts bla bla bla ok i'll stop here.

The third dream is fuzzy although i just had it yesterday, it's more of country-side feel to it, for unknown reason, the people i know and i live in an area that looks like the paddy fields in Kelantan. I can only remember the whole dream as 'betrayal', in the sense i guess they are taken by the fact that i abandon friends and the dream twist it so i 'betray' both secondary school and college friends at the end.

I really hate this dreams, i wake up feeling screwed up them and told myself it's not real, you know how real dreams get when it's close to reality. I don't need to watch Inception to know that dreaming can literally play with reality and hurt you, but in my experience, it only makes me cry waking up or feeling pissed.

Thank goodness i'm still me after countless dreams like that. I wouldn't consider them nightmares because they don't exactly scare me, just annoying. But no matter what, dreams always felt more real than reality itself. Without realising it was a dream, i would really believe that was my life if i don't wake up. Because it always seem to be a better version of my life. I guess that's why i could never get enough sleep no matter when i sleep, i always wake up feeling like crap.