feels like the end is near, for blogging

This is my third post in only a day's passing, i don't know, with all the classes starting next few days, i felt that my time of blogging is gonna be less and less frequent and may even stopped all together. I just have that urge to post more while i still have some free time left in me.

Or maybe it's just this flu that's causing me to feel and think weird; i think i fear of not being able to tell the readers anymore about my feelings and happenings as much as i would now. There's too much to talk about but, too little time.

Sigh, too many things are flowing in and out of my mind, if these issues will never be solved, i wish they do not further trouble me in my mind and i would forget it had ever happened. Some things are just made too silly and overly-complicated. Part of me was hurt and saddened when it happened but at the same time, i'm glad it did as i am able to identify the new problems; learn from them and mature from them.

Some times you wouldn't notice what you were doing that MOST of the time was actually wrong until that some one points it out to you or just slap some senses to you.

Sometimes denying that you're wrong MOST of the time when someone says that you are, really just indicates you are just immature minded.

However, we can' really change you no matter what i've stated, it all comes to how stubborn and selfish a person is, such people are deaf to concerned voices. The only way, is to let it happen or never again should we trouble you anymore. It is best we remain static rather than creating more friction with each other, there never really was, a win-win situation, until something happens, someone is either right or we force ourselves to forget such issues had ever occur, to get back our normal lives.

I would agree on the fact that, realizing, understanding and accepting what a person says of what you have done wrong is quite hard to burden and believe it alone. But much more harder when trying to change from it because, its been what you have become for a long time; you get too used on being that and you end up unable to change at all.

As i said before in previous posts, im not matured but in the process of it since i can only try to understand what is my own flaws, yet there are still a lot to understand about myself and others. At least i tried to be helpful to others all the time, but it is not what i'm used to doing since it's all new to me, but i try my best anyways.

About the starting of the next semester, i, felt glad about being able to be at college even if i only had such a short break, i can't imagine how much im gonna miss the express route students afterwards, they probably are feeling the same; College was like a second home for us, almost everyday is spent together in there, it will certainly be lonesome, it will be a weird feeling without the usual people.

I just can't bear the thought of, seperation. My feelings are too dramatic right now, maybe i'm just tired, maybe i'm just getting lonely.

Anyways, although Christmas is still a month's time away, i'm already filled with the spirit, so even though it's still too early, Merry Christmas to all and have a Happy New Year.

Toy Story - You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

When the road looks rough ahead,

And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed

You just remember what your old pal said,

Boy, you've got a friend in me

Yeah, you've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

You got troubles,

and I got them too

There isn't anything

I wouldn't do for you

We stick together, we can see it through

Cause you've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am

Bigger and stronger too

Maybe

but none of them

will ever love you

the way I do

it's me and you, boy

And as the years go by,

Our friendship will never die

You're gonna see it's our destiny

You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

Blog Books, should start reading them.

Randomness, phooO~~~.I just realize. That having been bloggin for sometime, all of us bloggers made books of our own, we made so many posts that they could be compiled into books, 'real life' storybooks to be precise.

Well, in my previous posts i've said most blogs don't really have much depth in them, well i think i maybe wrong but still right at the same time. Why? simple, i just haven't read through all of the posts in a blog if not most, i think reading a post is just like reading a page a whole book, no wonder why we would think some blogs are plain boring.

So i guess, i was reading blogs the wrong way, i should be readin them, starting from Day 1. How long will i finish them? Dunno, but it all depends on how much content they have. It's gonna be cool.

Keep moving forward

Note: Another very long post, don't read if you are really sleepy, hahah.

Well, had to be sick so i could finally release myself from daily activities, every single day seems to drain my life ever so much but it ever seems so worth it.

I certainly learned a lot this year, either through myself, being with others or just by observing them. The trip, the prom, the exams, they all thought me things about my life. One thing i can certainly point out is that our lives will always have some hardships, downturns and regrets but as you step a bit backwards and see yourself, all that time you had fun learning and playing or happy because of it, probably exceeds those bad times in your lives, which is why being optimistic; being able to let go of things easily, will most likely make our lives a little bit brighter than usual.

Another thing i learned for sure is as we keep moving on in life, it is inevitable to avoid some changes of yourself or others but that indicates that we're growing although it's still not to the point of maturity; As i realized that although learning and understanding about being a person, i would find it hard to actually apply or getting used to doing the right thing. Like trying to be helpful to others, although i know it is the right way of being a person, i couldn't do more than just helping people open doors or share an umbrella to a person; anything more than that, i would need time to think how it should be done, because i'm just not used to doing stuffs that are new to me.

The prom night and trip to Melacca were practically awesome should i say although there are those little setbacks present from now and then, but still, i find myself forgetting about them when i see happiness in myself and others; enjoying ourselves fully.Every single guy in the prom looked cool and handsome while every lady there looked elegant and beautiful. No, i'm not lying, if you ask me, i would say there were little variations to be compared between them all. Every time spent with all of them is another exciting time and memorable time, it just hurts my heart that i won't be seeing most of them later in time, in truth i was always ignoring the fact about our timely separation, i didn't want to think about it until the very last moment that we could still see each other, if not, i wouldn't be able to enjoy most of my time with them thinking how much i would be missing them afterwards.

Thinking about my friends and how they would treat each other is just heart warming and i'm really grateful to have them, whenever one of us are down with something, we would surely show some concern for him or her immediately without hesitation. It seems to be ridiculous but i think such kindness from them, i would never be able to pay back any time soon. I still wonder when i would truly be able to find the strength to say such words to them personally and not just by writing them down into words, it is shameful i guess.

Change, one of my secondary friends asked me if i could see that they have some how changed, i couldn't be sure after only for a short encounter, yes some things are certainly clear that they have changed but our true selves stays with us, the changes we see in ourselves is just us, growing and moving forward in life as i had said before. The problem is, the change from me is moving myself further away from them, a barrier of difference between them and i was created. I could see that i wasn't the 'me' in my secondary school life because i feel that all of them seemed so foreign to me now or has it been such a long time that i had forgotten about something important that is able to held us together? is that bond truly lost? Whatever it is, i can never turn back now.

After looking at Junior's great performance, i think i have the courage now to prepare myself for the next audition. It has always been my dream to perform on a stage, now i have the time to do so, all i needed was one small push from my friends.

The Melacca trip was the most memorable event with my friends ever in my life, it's really all thanks to Marcus, he planned everything and lead us all the time, words can't say how truly Marcus was burden with such responsibility, i felt guilty that i wasn't able to do much to lessen his stress. He's a true friend that i think we should all respect and trust with our lives.Without him, the trip won't be as much fun or move as smoothly as it had.

Thanks to Marcus(again), Junior, Kean Hoe, Lee Tat, Mei Quin, Kim, Elaine, Michele, Andrew, Nick, Ethel, Soon Guan, Winnie and others for the talks, chit-chat and randomness. You all certainly made me had a wonderful time in college, and made me feel there is a place at your side, thank you.

Truth or Dare, was the thing i was most reluctant to play but i still managed to be only taken two truths for it. To be honest, it was hard for me to answer the questions because i seriously needed time to thought out the words that are gonna come out of my mouth but sadly not much was said although i truly wanted to say it out loud, well, because maybe it might be relieving to actually say it out loud rather than just blogging it here. Another thing i want to say is that the second question, about who i had feelings for among my college friends? I think even though only little was said, much of it blurry truth and lies while i still have a lot more to say about. Quite frankly, i have mixed feelings about it when comparing to just the past few months, before that i think i had feelings for someone in the college and maybe more than just one, but recently i think its just confusion; unable to truly understand these feelings; now i actually don't really care as much as i do in the past. And yes what i said during the questioning was still true because to truly able to be interested in someone, i shouldn't be just having feelings for her, it might just well be my hormones going crazy, so i often try to understand deeper about the person first, get to know her better but that's my problem, i don't really have any guts to do so.

What Junior told me though, "if you just think too much about that girl, you'll probably end up lonely for a long time because you had never even taken the first step." Well, i guess those words holds a lot of truth in it but it certainly confuses the hell out of me too, leaves me thinking hard on what to do about my loveless life. Maybe I just haven't taken the first step, or maybe i just haven't met her yet, who knows, i have been waiting with all my teen life for someone to miraculously to truly be with me but, should i no longer wait for such a fantasy to happen?

Lives' full of waiting and being waited.

You know what's weird about? Is that i thought finishing my examinations, life would definitely be less of work and stress for me, well again and again, nothing seems to be always as wished and expected from me of my life.

Since the final examination for my studies is not as stressful as it should be, i would still find myself busy with house chores, hanging out more with friends and still managed to scrape some time for studying. Yet behind every action, there's always, "The Wait Game" which we all play in our lives; it's either you are the one waiting or being waited by somebody else. For an example from me, I would wait for exams to finish even though it's extremely boring since during that period time of waiting i had already run through the syllables for more than several times. Another example would waiting for friends to do something together like singing karaoke, hang outs or just plain old study.

Well these are the specific ones of the "Wait Game", if you move backwards a bit and look it at a wider range of sight; you're waiting to get decent jobs from higher education; you're somehow waiting friends to become good friends and later wait to become close friends or best friends, or some rare cases you might even wanted it to become more than just friendship. Or i should just simplify it into one sentence, we're just waiting time to pass by so that something might happen or change.

Finished exams, what's next? Wait for the results, and while i'm waiting for that, im waiting to be with my friends together in classes again, waiting to say goodbye to the one's i won't be seeing much more often. If i have to talk about waiting, it'll definitely be endless. In conclusion, you will always have to wait for something either bad or good.

About the karaoke last Thursday, even though it may seem we had fun during that time, to be really honest, lots of things are missing and changing. Just from that event, it spelt conclusion of the reasons, the changes, the effects happened to our group of friends. In comparison with before, 7 people are just too little to have enough accumulated excitement. Why most of them didn't come are certainly just obvious reasons that are acceptable and can be ignored completely. However, because of that, for me it was clearly showing, what has changed these recent months, i wished it was mostly good but there's no denying the truth that we are just being over-sensitive and over-ignorant about each other.

Sometimes i think it's just overreacting, dwelling too deeply into doubts which then creates your own illusions and blocking what's truly the reason behind those doubts. Where both opposing parties have such doubtful minds, it is only through a third parties point of view; their views, which are not be tainted by the sides, can clearly see through their flaws in their heart against each other.

Even though, us, the third parties that can interpret without being swayed by the opposing parties' clouded minds, we can never be successful to prevent, judge nor advise them from falling into their own battles and traps until an event that may finally make our words reach their hearts or just by self-realizing what they have done was always been wrong but then again, their minds are chained-locked between opposing sides and the third parties themselves, whether they want to realize the fact earlier or not, depends not on us but themselves.

I wanted to help you,

but in actuality or unnoticeable of my actions ,

I crave to be with you.

even if subconsciously i truly wish to deny it.

But through this guise of being your friend,

you do not dare to believe my warnings yet it is inevitably possible,

He may have always been good to people,

though my doubtful mind, always cautioned me of a similar past,

yet, so easily the past, clouds my mind that thinks of you.

You and I will be deaf to the words of nobody,

we only believe our thoughts and hearts even if they may betray us.

However, there is always that game we all play,

where we all wait for the truth to come,

be it for you or me.

Post No.100

It's been a full week since i posted random facts about me and to think the next post would be the 100th, yay. I would talk crap about my day but i guess i'll just summarize it in one sentence - Less stress about exam since it's almost over, much more excited of the coming plans for the holidays, i had a really good week with college pals. So below, are just some things i've always wanted to write in this week but never had the chance until now.

How long has it been since i started blogging... probably only a little bit more than 7 months and i've already reached the 100th post, but i will always be reminded of what the first post and the subsequent ones after it, what made to start bloggin; to start opening myself from a different way to other people which would almost be impossible in reality. However, it started with much grief over family & friends, i was so emo that i think the posts that expressed my sadness and every negative crap, were almost as childish and naive as the secondary school of me.

I have to admit though, only much recently, i felt.. something changed.. although i still can't truly notice what it is but something definitely change, from whatever recently i have encountered in college. It almost seems like i had finally be able to see a different view in life; the usual way of thinking of love, friends, family was ever changing so fast, back and forth, again and again until i managed to understand to think from another person's POV(point of view) and not only from mine; how everyone may think and feel of whatever i'm doing or whatever they are doing in every single situation.

Currently, don't think much about why i can't get girl but i would rather think much more about how being single can truly be great sometimes. Seriously although there are times i would think why i wouldn't hit on a girl is probably because, i just don't want to, maybe subconsciously. I pretty much like just having 'girl' friends rather than trying hard to get have a relationship or something, honestly now i would think it's just that nice being single not that i'm saying being in a couple is bad, in fact it's even better too. I would say this.. because just observing couples, i can sense some things that a couple would share with each other and not with others which truly seems sweet.

Thinking back, i have thought a lot about love for quite an amount of time i guess so i pretty much know what's good about it what's bad about it, aside from the usual "You can only look at her/him and no one else." problem, sooner or later to maintain a relationship you probably can't just have love for each other, you may need the important things like - conviction to maintain the relationship, determination to improve the relationship, tolerance with each other, understanding towards each other, trusting each other, share almost everything with each other, etc. All in all, a lot of responsibilities to uphold if you're serious about a girl/guy. Even if one of these you don't managed to achieve, you'll see that your relationship will become shaky.

Sigh, that's probably one of the reasons i think i'm naive, so i have thought this through hard and long so i think i'm still not ready yet, heck, i already have problems with friends, forget about getting girls, i have to maintain my friendships first hahah. Again though, i seriously wish friends would be more willing to trust each other because.. there's always some things that you can only tell a friend and maybe not even your family, that's why again, i said being single and having great friends are one of the best things i could have in life, without them, i probably will go back to being emo and lonely.

Hence, i put respect and trust towards my friends, no matter how they would treat me back or not, in my heart, i'd still say "yo, we friends, that's all it matters.". It is too, part of my way of thinking and moral teachings of my religion.

Even if a person you hate or don't like, a person that has negative intentions or thinkings towards and against you; be it your family, your friend or even your enemy; You, shall treat that person, as good as any kind and caring person would have. To show neither hate nor anger towards that person, would be one of the greatest challenges a man could overcome, such would be an indication of being a person, not a beast.

In the past i've always have a doubtful mind towards friends, unable to fully trust them, always thinking things that are made up by myself. Well now i guess i just don't really care about much how i think about friends anymore because.. i've lost so many good friends in the process. Now, i guess i'm just thinking how much longer can we see each other.. hopefully much more longer than would expect.