I had a great time today. I'm glad you did too.

27th February 2010

Second last day for both this month and Chinese New Year. I always tell myself, the more tired you get today, the more fulfilling it was for you because you just made the most of your day by doing something.

And surely every time i get so tired, i'd never felt it was a waste of my time, my college mates and i went for a small visiting to my, Junior's, Kean Hoe's house. Another event that's unique to me, probably it's everyone's first experience with visiting places other than their own hometown. Though there was a lot of people that couldn't which is regretful to some point i would get annoyed but those thoughts were made when i was moody, really, it doesn't bother me. All of us will always have walls that we can't climb over to reach what we wanted, either it was an old one or newly built, no matter what we do we just can't climb over it and if we were to break that wall separating from our goal, consequences might be worse than reaching that goal. I think i had always made that kind of decisions, to spend time with friends, i will either sacrifice time with my family or even worse, thinking i'm moving further from my family. For me, i had to make decisions for three things, most importantly it is my family, my friends and then myself.

And it's really confusing how to balance and make the right decisions. What actions that would have me deciding would be between education and entertainment. Education, i wouldn't just put studying in here, i think life in itself is education; leaving me to choose from teaching myself disciplinary in life, or teaching myself freedom of life which i would consider it to be entertainment, the former benefits to my family, i made principles that would not stray myself from my goal in reality; the latter benefits myself and to my friends, i learned how to be more communicative with people and think more about other people's feelings. Both choices sacrifices something, to achieve my goal, i have to restrict or sacrifice something that neither i would like to do so.

You never know when you would have made the right decision, you'd always think what if i did differently, that's life and time for you, time never lets you restart in life and life never lets you have enough time. I've made choices, either mostly bad or mostly good, i don't know, but one thing i know is that, after making them, there would be another one, as you make more choices, you'll always make a better one.

I heard once some DJ from the radio said that "Most people are greedy because they always think of things they want to have but not the things they just really needed" It holds some truth to it but other than materialistic things, what about feelings? Do i want your love or do i need your love? It's something that has always bothered me, either i wanted it or needed it didn't matter because love isn't controlled by greed or the mind, it's controlled by your very heart. Nobody wants to live a lonely life, that's why there's family and friends. But then again their love wasn't enough, you wanted someone who could literally love and connect with you and you could do the same with that person.

Have i found that person? I don't know but i wish it was you.

I'm feeling so many things right now. Mostly negative.

I haven't posted anything normal throughout this days. So god damn moody that i'm getting sick of it. Probably makes no sense at all to some of the readers, sorry about that but posts like this will continue to be made until i get better. Though i think i'm ready to take another step higher, to clarify some things.

To actually think i wrote that i'm a changed man just a few days ago, i feel so pathetic right now.

I'm confident? Hahahah, if i'm writing this here, knowing you'll see this literally indicates i'm a coward in person who doesn't have the guts to say i have feelings for you because i'm scared of the answer you would give me.

Yes, you, the one i've always been writing indirectly and secretly about. I couldn't agree more with you, i have absolutely no confidence to even have a proper conversation with you. I didn't want to let my mind off of you, it's been so long since i've seen and talked to you, that i lost that feeling. I thought it was ok for me, i thought getting over you will let me focus more important things in my life.

Who knew, the next day, i was burden by a lot of family pressure, so bad that i got all moody, i was in no mood in college, i felt frustrated and so confused. I was angry at myself, why am i pouring out my feelings to innocent people around me? They were not in any fault at all, it was only me.

Then now i asked myself, did i have peace before this? When thoughts of you filled my mind all day without fail? I wish all this stress would've released right now, i wish all this hate in me immediately goes away, i wish you would be "free".

I sound so obsessive right now, i feel like i'm a loser making excuses for his losses, i don't know why am i writing so recklessly, maybe i'm too tired to think rationally.

Click Five - Empty

Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty

Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oooooh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

We're empty
We're empty

Or will we end up getting hurt
Is this love a myth
So tell me are you in for this
There's so much more than we can see
More than you
More than me
It takes two to believe!

Maybe it's our first mistake
And baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
Maybe it's our first mistake
And baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time
But time is not enough
And that's the reason why when you're young you fall in love

And that's the reason why
When you're young you fall in love [2x]

Oh ummm, for those who knows what i'm talking about, i dunno, those feelings for you are kinda fading away slowly, i guess it really never was love. Feels great to not emo about it everyday.

I'm a new man ^_^

This holiday felt long but it was actually short

Haven't been able to post this out cause of time constraint, tried writing late at night but was too tired to think of something.

Haaaah~

it's been a while, hahah i don't how many times i said that but i think whenever i say that it really means a lot had happened, which made me think there have been quite sometime each time i blogged.

I would say the holiday had kept me busy from blogging, although i don't really see what i did was productive in any sort; i gambled(who doesn't?) with my family and relatives, won a little, visited my aunt at Damansara, gave some goodies to my English tuition teacher and a guy that fetched to school when i was studying in secondary school. Build up my miniatures which took me a day to finish, i wouldn't i'm just building them because i'm addicted, it's just nice to do something peaceful and only concerns yourself as oppose to the busy week we're all having.

After that it was nothing more than just visiting another aunt at Seremban, didn't get to gamble with them but had a nice dinner with them. Oh and i learned how to play Sudoku while loitering at her house hahah. Gambled some more at home and played random games in the computer.

Lost about 150 bucks on the last gamble, luckily it was just between family so no harm was really done. Lessoned learned during this CNY, gamble is bad, only when you lose, hahah.

Well CNY probably brought out the worst of me, selfish, greed and laziness. Quite surprisingly i didn't went "Bai Nian" with any of my secondary school friends, i could say it's because i would rather spend time with my family, since much has already spent outside and my father's already complaining about it. The other reason would be.. well i just want to end this.. i don't have it in me anymore.. that's called friendship, i just don't think meeting back each other means anything; we were friends before but what about now? There was no place for me in their group, the closest friends i thought i had doesn't really care, the feeling of getting invited by them felt like it had to be done solely for the reason of "we were once friends".

When i think about it, we didn't share anything deep, let alone feelings of each other, we only played and studied together all the time. I spent most of my secondary school life in silent, only thinking so much to myself it made me sick, i had no chance of letting out my thoughts from my mind to them.

So just stop contacting me, Just think of me as the bad guy who ditched you all. Even if some of you still believe otherwise, i don't, i don't have anything left from you, i thought i had so much between us but you all made me realize i had nothing. I was so naive and stupid to think that way.

Another late night post.

---------Weekly happenings-------------

1st - 5th February 2010

Had quite a week, there's always something different each passing days in it. Monday was a dinner at TGIF with economy A-scoring students which was sponsored by Mr. Aria. First time had a dinner that expensive, had a great time, sadly not all my friends could join in, that kind of thinking always limits myself enjoying things fully.

Tuesday was suppose to be a karaoke session but it was changed to a window shopping/studying at the Curve, supposively i was going to pick up my mum from my aunt's place but later i found out she wanted to stay a little longer, kinda pissed as she only told me when i arrived there but i decided i just loiter around at the Curve, surprisingly, shopping alone was one of the things i had wanted to do for a long time, just because i haven't done it before. It was quite relaxing time; i walk around slowly just enjoying the scenery and occasionally sit on comfortable sofas and studied contract and sometimes took a nap. Long story short, didn't went karaoke but had a good alone time by myself.

Wednesday was half bad half good, the reason for the bad is the sexist and disrespecting "moral lecturer" which i don't want to talk about but really just want to say he's a friggin retard. The reason for the good is that i had good time during lunch and contract class which for me, Kumar was the opposite of that "moral lecturer".

Tort class on the next was good too, celebrated Chew Teng's birthday before class, had a nice hang out after class but the raining made traffic worse. Still an acceptable day.

I woke up pretty early on Friday, traffic was hell but still reached college early than most people, been awhile since i went to college that early. Studied econs myself at college after having maths class, also something that i haven't done for quite sometime. Probably the main reason would i didn't have a car to drive on that day. I guess i forgotten the good times i had when i didn't drive to college.

-----------Feelings section---------------

Ummmm, i'm not really stressed over emotions i guess, still burst raw feelings when i drive alone but always a good way to let it all out. I think i can control my feelings, can't suppress them but let them flow naturally. Although my promise to my mum and my insufficient confidence can prevent me from taking any action, but it never really prevented me from having her in my mind all day long, then again, they are just merely thoughts, nothing really happens after that, maybe a bit quicker heartbeats but nothing major. I think to myself if i was being too obsessive but i guess i am not, i don't really obsess over her, would i say love? I'm not sure, what would really amount to be considered love?

Summarising January, the first month of any year.

The last few posts, i think most of them were made when i'm totally tired after midnight. I don't seem to have time to properly post some random fact about me, i could only write really emo posts when i'm dead tired and stressed from a busy day, my mind's just not thinking right after all that.

Anyways, January 2010. I would honestly say, it has always been a dull month, in my high school times it's always "Awww, school is starting again.". Last year, it was also quite dull, ironically it was the holidays that made it more boring, had nothing to do, secondary school friends had either started school or were busy with work which, i had a lot of time at home dancing and all that stuff until i get sick of it.

I guess this January is the best one i had in my entire life. I managed to meet new friends, to be closer with them, to have fun with friends and so much more that i think i spent more time outside than at home. I enjoyed filming and taking pictures each passing week, there's always something different, it's not that i'm obsessed with it, it's just that i want to capture every little things in my life(using your title again, Kim, hahah). It may seem not significant at all taking dozens of pictures each week, but i believe one day both myself and all the others that were captured in them, will reminisce about it when we're older and start looking back at the times we had together.

To be honest, i never thought i would continue to make the series because i think not many people in the series are interested. After some time and some encouragement, i guess i had a change of heart, even though there wasn't of an audience, but the people that watches it, that supports me, solely for these people i'll continue no matter what. If worse comes to worse, nobody watches it, easy, i'll just change a little around the title and it'll just be for me. Either way, i like making them and i like it even more when the people i love acknowledge and accept it.

I really love my family and college friends, they are really kind to me, but i feel useless because i can't do much to help them out. I wish i was a bit more confident, a bit more brave, a bit more intelligent, a bit more thoughtful for them. I think all this time i put alot of effort in my life, it's because i wanted to please them, help them and support them but i guess now it wasn't enough.

Another appreciating family and friends day for me.

I like to thank my parents for giving me this opportunity to experience a social life and continue to study in higher education institutions, i thank them to give me freedom that is quite sufficient.

I have to thank my brothers, Kah Leong, Kok Leong, Boon Liang, they have been always advising and supporting of what ever troubles i encounter. If they didn't exist, i don't know what i'll be doing during those days when i only stayed home, hahah.

Junior, Marcus, Kean Hoe, Kimberley, See Wei, Jo Ann, Lee Tat, Elaine, Chew Teng and oh so many others. I think you all made a 180 degrees turn in my life, i seriously can't imagine what i would be like if i never met all of you guys and girls. You all had spent time on me even though i haven't been able to talk or do much in return, just for that i'm really grateful that you all are always there for me.

Last but not least, all the friends i made throughout my life, i have to thank you all too, for helping me to grow. Some things are just not meant to be but know that, we had once crossed our paths and made changes to my life.