Daft Punk

Let's just forget a bit of our reality and watch this MTVs

What do i do at the last day before and on the day of the exam itself? Nothing.

I've always followed this way of to preparing for exams on the last few minutes, by doing nothing.
Of course it's weird, some people might think i've already prepared a few days or weeks before exam but honestly, i didn't study much at all. Most of the time, i just listen to the lecturer, nothing more; when i get back home i don't study, i pretty much still like to rest or just fool around in the internet for a while cause i have like a few minutes of spare time if i include dinner, shower and internet time, why not take the extra to relax or rest more?


Though the main reason would be i had bad past experiences with last minute preparations. I would likely to forget what i studied a few days or weeks before exam, i'd panicked and finally i would blame myself for not preparing enough.


So why don't i even prepare for exams nowadays? Is it because i'm lazy? Nothing that simple hahah, it just calms me and separate myself from all those moody situations that everyone else has. I wouldn't blame myself because i know last minute preparations are sort of useless to me and enjoy panicking and serious looks of other people, hahah no offence but i still envy your conviction to prepare more for the examination. I've done it for important exams too, trials of important exams and final exams and even for PMR and SPM, on the day of exam i wouldn't touch a single book at school, only when i get back, i open books and even then, i just read them.


One more reason why i do this is because i have a strong faith in myself, in my studies. I've always believed that i will pass through road blocks if have always been able to run on the road for years. 


Before and after an exam i would tell myself "i've went through a lot, even if the results are not what i expected, i trust that's what i'm suppose to earn with the hard work i have done, never disbelieving it's not enough. This is what you chosen, this is what you strived for, this is the result of it, this is what you will get."


I want to live freely and enjoyable throughout, i balance hard work with relaxation, sure i won't be something special in this world but i rather live a life that's simple, as in i'm not totally worthless or totally lifeless. It probably also means i'm quite selfish i guess, i probably get married and have children in my 30s after i've enjoyed my life and helped others in need. After that i would have saved quite some money, marry a person i love and have children with, and spend the rest of my life enjoying family love.


I hope anyone reading this won't immediately disagree with me or agree with me, studying methods are always different for everyone, one that suits a person doesn't always suit another. It just a knowledge to let you know that you can still enjoy life without much suffering. Well, you can say i'm influenced by my religion but my religious beliefs did not control my will, i'm only making decisions with my own mind. Why live a rich life full of aims to satisfactory when you can live a mediocre life that is satisfactory at the beginning?


I've always wondered if i had a girlfriend, would i abandon my friends completely? will my girlfriend let me spend time with other friends? will she abandon her friends completely too? Won't we feel bad afterwards? Because i haven't seen much of otherwise. 


The reason i would only accept is that only if the person you love is really important to you, you'd loved her so much you don't even care if the whole world around you was destroyed, you'd still look at her and hold her. I would only fully accept and support your abandonment from the people around you because you had really found, true love, a love between each other, so pure i wouldn't even have second thoughts about you won't be able to even make through the next few steps, because you'll fly to the top with her together.


Yes, i'm indicating something in my life, i'm also indicating i don't really care about the consequences of my actions when saying the truth because that's what i feel in actuality, when i lie, i destroy a part of my heart, when i say the truth, my heart only gets punched in the face, if it had a face. Saying the truth is hard, making a decision to say it is hard, but what if all it's left is truth to be told and no lies to be made? You can behave in front of me all you want when you see this or don't talk to me about it when there's people around, or rather you want people to disagree or agree with me, your welcomed to do so.


I hate gossiping other people but thats the only way to discuss something serious is behind somebody's back, always having the "don't hurt their feelings" at the back of my mind. For once, i rather want to say it to your face. Sigh, i'm a coward.

Why are you so free?

Another special place to blog, and this time it’s inside a train.Since i have like 45 minutes of just sitting there daydreaming, why not do something i haven’t been doing for a couple of days now.

Anyways, interesting as it is, i just haven’t had enough time. Note that even though we don’t have time for certain things, i believe we’re still free in some ways, we’re free to think for ourselves, free to talk, free to feel, free to live.

For me i rather think i’m free because of what i did or didn’t do something. I’m free from commitment, i’m in no relationship to be responsible of, thus, i’m also free to love somebody. Some say one-sided love hurts, i would first agree but then again, what if it stops hurting and could still love her?

At least i have something to hold  on to, in fact, everyone will to a certain full extent, believing in something to grasp a hold of reality, to not give up; Some will seek God for hope and peace but some will rather believe in fate and hold themselves than believing others. Couples will support each other in all their times of needs and what will continue that support, is love.

I admit, for me, it hurts not to be loved back, but what about when you want to love someone more than being loved? So simple yet so many people would rather feel the phrase contradictory and naive. In the long run though, a crush is still crush, loving is still loving, i believe in fate, i believe in myself. You’re right but so as i, the world is full of contradictions yet we still live in harmony because we have something in common, we believe in something.

Honestly though, what have i been doing this pass two months? All my blogs are all certain views and feelings, only some of it concerns something physical and factual. Lets just summarize March and April.

March/April 2010

All i can say is, this month is considerably the most stressful month i had, obligations, complains, responsibilities, problems with myself and with everyone, getting sick, getting emotional and all that crap i went through.

I didn’t had time for Warhammer, i hate the lazy shopkeeper who keeps delaying the orders and being irresponsible for his business. I was drilling at studies, made me anti-social and temperament, i was making videos all weekend, neglecting my family and friends. Similarly everyone had such problems to some point.

Still, i manage to enjoy even in these circumstances, i still grasp on to hope and commitment, i try to spend more time with my family, i try to hang out with friends as much as possible, i try to help friends in need, i try and support my friends decisions, i try to control not to be too direct, i try not to be annoyed by petty things and instead, just be direct about it,

What i’ve done this pass two months.

I completed in making my kroots, sprayed a few, painted two.

I took some pictures i think they look cool.

I made a couple of episodes which i think some are awesome.

I learned how to count beats for music and improve my dancing

I learned some basic knowledge about popping, credits to Junior. 

I got a codex/book for my army of miniatures for gaming. 

I learned how to paint my miniatures thanks to Marcus. 

I learned anything can happen, especially love. 

I have strengthen my studies with the drills i’ve taken.

I think someone likes me but i have no intention to get in one. 

I realize i’m easily paranoid and become suspicious of simple things. 

I learned a few roads around KL. 

I managed to keep secrets when i’m told to.

Well that’s about it, i’m getting off the train now, posting this the very next time i have internet.

Chet Baker - I Fall in Love Too Easily

I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last

My heart should be well schooled
'Cause I've been fooled in the past
But still I fall in love so easily
I fall in love too fast

My heart should be well schooled
'Cause I've been fooled in the past
But still I fall in love so easily
I fall in love too fast

A life, coexists with reality and fantasy.

May i say this once and for all?
Every person i have ever met.
Isn't as reminding as you are to me.


Questions for me to hide,
Until you try and find,
I will just wait for it.
Nothing more confusing,


Than a crush.


When things go gloom for me,
when all seems unexpected,
when there's only hope,
I'd soaked myself,
with all that i had and still loved.
I'd swim in it,
until i am free and floating by love.


There will come the time,
i have to walk on earth again,
i would be tired,
However,
There's still that pool,
Always remember to go in there,
every once in a while.

Was it me or was it him you were talking to?

Actually, i have no idea who i am now, something just doesn't seem right about me. Life's not bad, with a little bit of serious, a little bit of fun. Sometimes when you reach a point of nothing really bad ever happens to your life, you would get irritated with the smallest of details, you would be insensitive when you say things.

The truth is, well, i don't have much to write about right now, i pretty much said all i can say, at the end it'll just be another post about my daily life. I really am grateful to the people around me, tolerating my temper and all that coldness i've been giving. Yeah, i don't how much is true about your words, i don't seem like the kind person everyone says, i've been cold socially, all i have done is posting videos and writing how i'm happy about it.

But, what about the real me? Those descriptions don't exactly match me at all, i'm shy? i'm kind? i'm thoughtful? i'm smart? Who were you talking about?

I have been selfish all the time, have you ever thought why i did all this video? Was it really just because for you all? The cold truth about it though, is that i was just thinking for myself, how i would be acknowledged as a friend to people. By doing this, i can lie about the way i am when you see me, that i have an excuse to be an ass. Don't you think it's weird i would suddenly be sarcastic about something you said? Don't you think i'm just holding back my frustration that i would say it was you who caused it but in actuality, it is really just me?

Who's to say that is not true? Who are you making friends with, the one making these videos and posting stuffs here or the real me standing in front of you? I don't know what you're thinking, honestly, the virtual me is just too different from the real me.

This is probably the first time, i'm not emotional or anything when i post this, i'm dead serious. I hate this identity crisis i have made myself, i'll never correct it.

The real me, the one you never to talk to either because i don't begin a conversation or you just totally have no interest in talking to this guy in front of you, why? It's because he's ill-tempered, is inconsiderate, is unsocial, is selfish, is greedy but at the same time both optimistic and deceitful about it. Think about this when you really want to me. I say this because i just want to be acknowledged and accepted as the person that is in front of you, not the one in the internet, not the one in the blog. I only want the truth, is it that hard to tell me?

Stress, it worsens everything.

[First time writing a blog at a cafe, it’s a nice feeling, though this is going to be posted at home. :D]


Lately i have been myself, too extremely though, i get annoyed easily, i get suspicious all the time, i get too caught up in something, i study too much.
To be optimistic, i need to be tolerant, but being tolerant makes me stressful, which in turn doesn’t make me optimistic, Sometimes i wonder how i should deal with stress, is it inevitable that i will eventually give in to stress?

Even more, i’m easily stressed out, how am i suppose to be optimistic in this way? With my will or not, i easily get frustrated with something i can’t do, yeah, somehow i’m a person that hates losing at something i’m suppose to be good at, or something i have worked hard on, i’d feel regretful and start to think had what i did before meant anything in the present. In time though, i try tell myself to work even harder, each time it’s not enough, the thought of not being able to improve myself just pisses me off. Starting from this month, it seems like my studies is starting to piss me off quite often, no sufficient time for studies and i don’t seem to improve in them.
Though i would be positive and would just continue to work harder, i was still stressed even if i don’t care about it, then it would eventually find it’s way to tell me i’m stressed, like expressing it in frustration and sarcasm in the littlest of things people ask or do. Yeah, i can do heart-piercing sarcasms to people if i want to, i can easily think up of something really sarcastic and cruel to say faster than what i would normally should say, luckily that can be controlled even if i’m in stress, a little bit.


Trying to separate fun time, work time and study time is hard, i succeeded in doing so but makes my life feel rigid, i feel like i have lost freedom, That’s why i suddenly have the urge to just release my from obligations and just sit around at this cafe. In a way, this releases my thoughts, furthering it with some blogging done. But then again, after this, i’m heading back to reality again.


I wouldn’t have such a miracle happening after this week, this is the only week i’m given to drive, next week it’s just going to be riding the train or being fetched.


There are times i can’t do anything about my stress though, i get easily frustrated thinking about something when i’m driving alone. It’s the time i would curse in my mind at the crappy radio stations i’m listening to and the horrible traffic i’m facing. One thing i wouldn’t expect to come to mind at the last moment, it eased me completely,  when it was just the moment i just wanted to stop thinking.


it was from my heart, it was something i buried in it for quite sometime, the image of her just gives me peace instantly, i don’t know why but, if it’s something my mind can’t control, it must be my heart. I didn’t mind to have her in my mind in such a time, i welcomed it gladly. I’m glad there was still something i could hold on to in this dire times, I'm glad i loved you.

All we ever do is say goodbye - John Mayer

Just when I had you off my head
Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed
You say you wanna try again
But I've tried everything but giving in

Why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

I bought a ticket on a plane
And by the time it landed, you were gone again
I love you more than songs can say
But I can't keep running after yesterday

So why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

We say goodbye
We say goodbye
We say goodbye

All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye 

I wished it was a joke, but i didn't know fate was the joker.

Today might have been the happiest day for my brother and myself, i guess us two got pranked by fate.


Today was suppose to be my brother's official marriage to my soon-to-be sister-in-law. We got up really early despite yesterday my brother had been really busy the whole day from daylight to no light. We were obviously running on the power of faith in our minds. My brother was wearing formally with style while Connie, his soon-to-be wife dressed elegantly for their moment of life. Who knew, my brother, at the most crucial time, only found out he didn't bring the most important thing for the registration, his IC. He searched, nothing. He was stunned, she was stunned, our parents and siblings were the same. You just won't know the feeling when i was so dedicated to record down the proceedings, then this, just happens. Tears were falling from her, eyes were looking at him, he was being  overwhelmed.


We were forced to cancel the appointment, forced to change the date. There's nothing we could do but only be supportive to both of them, they say it's a sign, telling them today was not a good day to marry. We youngsters probably won't be superstitious such things but it was quite obvious today wasn't meant to be, today was first of April (4), it was a Thursday (4), the day after tomorrow was Ching Ming. Still we saw a lot were getting married officially on that day, which made us envy and became even more sad.


At the end i still went for mathematics class that morning and i was even on time, the maths friends were suppose to do a prank to the teacher but was probably spoiled by my pissed off face when i came in. I couldn't hide it, for all the emotions i have, anger was the most easiest emotion i can easily express without much effort. Well, after a while my face just becomes moodless which i probably always have most of the time.


Well, since it was April's Fool, i didn't really bother to tell this to others when attending contract class, only told some, i didn't want to make it a big deal, cause well, one of the most unanticipated time of her time was coming soon afterwards. I sighed a bit, and i told to myself "My brother's moment of time will have to wait, i have to put that matter a side and do what ever i can to capture hers instead. I was surprised myself at the sight of Jo Ann's birthday surprise unfolding before me even though i've already known the plans before hand. I'll leave this moment fully expressed by herself, hahah.


Anyways, today was of course, totally unexpected, this is the first time i pranked people but, fate pulled a big one on brother, i feel sorry and depressed for him, a cruel joke indeed. Didn't know both the bad and the good could happen at the same time.


Sigh, i'm getting old, not as in getting white hairs or wrinkles; i'm actually becoming more and more realistic, to the sense of thinking every possible results an important decision made by someone. Sometimes i wish i can just be happy for someone's choice, then again i'm not that naive or ignorant, but i can't really do much, i'll just, watch, hoping i'm wrong and things were really simple and i'm just overreacting.


I've always been single, but doesn't mean i have absolutely no idea how a couple works. I'm the youngest in my family, i've seen results from horrible choices of partners my brothers had chosen, too many times, too many regrets they had came passed. They either screwed up thinking she was the right girl for them until they get robbed and stabbed in the heart, but even then they were still blinded by love. I was in no effects of love when i saw them, i only felt cruelty and coldness in them, love takers i call them. They see love as a source of pleasure and entertainment to them, they could control hearts that waiver to their whim. They could feel nothing during break ups, because they were already finished what was left of them and continue to find new ones.


You can't say they are cruel, they really weren't cruel at all, you can only say they are open and free minded, they never gave full responsibility and care for the other one's feelings. Will their victims, suffer or benefit from this relationship? It didn't matter as long as they get what they wanted in the first place, their love was all that matter and what comes from love is a bonus to them. Which my point is, right now and in the future, i don't want to be with someone like this because i can't sacrifice for her when i have already sacrificed so many for others. I can't be someone like this because i'm closed minded and stubborn.


I don't want to disappointment my parents, i don't want to be regretful in the future, i don't want to lose my friends that are already beside me. Although, the phrase "Bros before Hoes" which means, friends come first before you think about love for yourself, hasn't been followed as what i've seen; i'm still a stern believer in it, even if you and i are the last people who have not found love, i'll see to it that i stay there to accompany you, no matter what. So far, i think i'm the only who would think this way, but i know how it feels when one of your close friends, someone you would be together all the time, suddenly you have to take a step back and let him fill the place you've always been, and even you have to be supportive and understanding about it. It doesn't look painful, maybe i'm just bullshitting but probably some of you may agree to a certain extent of why i say this. And i hope not because such a thing happen, you given up hope having a close friend, keep believing because you may really one day, find your best friend and he/she will still stay as your best friend to the end even if they already had someone 


 I still and always believe, best friends, exist.