I'm the watcher.

It's probably the time i ask myself this question,

where do i exactly belong in?
I pondered this problem most today (1-12-2010)

it's quite ill-mannered as i did most of the thinking when people around me were talking, sorry. But i guess too be truthful, i often wander deep into my mind which is why i constantly tell myself to get back to what's in front of me. It's usually when i drive or listening to lectures, though it's quite dangerous if i drift away too much when i drive, usually results in almost knocking someone from behind or hitting the dividers. You can say, everyday for me is always about my life and death when i drive, but i'm trying hard not to die because i still have so many things in life to look forward, well, that's life, you always have to risk something to get what you want.

Enough about that, getting sidetracked again, anyhow, although i have friends and family, there's always this problem of fitting in. It's probably not really clear when i just categorize one big group my friends but inevitably, a large group of friends will splinter off to smaller groups of friends which are certainly due to the closeness between each other. Well thanks to anyone if they think i'm considered in their group but honestly, even though, i still don't fit in.

It's nothing new, but it's something i think i have to accept now, or never. Because of my silent nature, i seem to really just watch over people, doesn't make a difference if i was with another group of people. Perhaps the most probable reason would be, i don't have alot of things in common to talk about. Either if it was a bunch of guys or with a group of girls, most of the time spent would be just watching them talk, maybe occasionally throw in a joke or two in their conversations to remind them i still exist.

I do not blame other people, in fact i appreciate the fact they welcome me in their group. I know a few would agree to me, the feeling of being left out is always there. But then again, in my case, i really should accept it's my way of life, that's who i am which quite frankly, i don't mind it as much as when i was still in secondary school. All that conviction in trying to fit in, it's not needed.

I'm the guy that will listen intently at what you talk.
I'm the guy that is always observing you,
trying to tell what you are actually feeling through the expressions of your face,
trying to give reason behind that emotion,
so that i can better understand you, even without words,
so that i can understand what you are going through.

Even it may not be slightly right, but i think i am similar to the average person, because they hide their emotions, their motives, their secrets, even if they were to talk more often than most people, there are things you will never say out at the point of time;

but that sudden stop in a sentence,
that quicker and a higher pitched response,
that slight brush of your hair,
that tilt of your head downwards,

it tells more than what you are consciously willing to tell a person.
When a persons emotions are strong, it's not hard to miss if i looked his at face a bit longer.
It's quite obvious actually, even when a person shows no emotion, usually means they are holding it back so hard that they are unable to fake their expressions without exposing what they truly feel.

But all in all, i'm just saying although i may not talk much, i still care about the people around  me, even if they are reluctant to talk about it. Ironically enough, i'm just the same as you are, but i guess i have a hard time hiding my feelings through words, probably because i seldom lie when i DO talk with someone. The usual stutter and reluctant response to a question is usually a dead give away. However, what's there to hide from when a person can go through here and read everything that is quite sensitive about me.

Frankly speaking, i don't have close friends that stick with me forever, that's the reality of my life i guess, but i guess having friends is already enough.

Bros before Hos, i still stand upon it, but i don't have anyone else to support it with me i guess. Quite sad actually but what the heck. Look at the bright side, i will forever and always have myself, and i will never leave myself behind for another college, another group of friends, another girl or another life.

Me: You promise?
Me: I promise :D
Me:  i love you, bro.
Me:  love you too.