Update on my situation.
There isn't much going on after that night, have started to constantly feed my brain more knowledge. With the sudden extra time for me to spent, i guess i became a bit nerdy, no invitations from my friends to go out or anything in which it has given me an ample of time for myself.
No lies, but of course i like having company but being an introvert, it's nice to have time to enjoy with myself, such as in terms of studying, i choose to stay at home to study or avoid meeting friends in college if i arrive earlier than the time i should attend class. Reasons would be, the guilt of which i spent more time on the prom planning rather than my studies and i still am, no matter how hard i'm going to study, there are people who would study even harder, no offence but it kinda pisses me although at the same time motivates me to increase my effort significantly.
Anyways, to be honest, i think i have more ways to enjoy life with myself than with friends, the fact that if you want to do something with friends, you have take into consideration a lot of things i guess, like if they are going to be free, interested in it, or important and also one would have to do the planning too. I find myself, not really knowledgeable about my friends schedules and interests, which has constantly causing me to fail at planning anything for a group of friends that is larger than two people. Another a way to look at though, it probably means i'm not sociable or persuasive enough to be a leader i guess. Anyway, because of that, i appreciate the rare occasions i get to spent together with you. It's quite irritating when you know someone in that group doesn't appreciate it as much as you do but i have to stand at their side and think too, not everyone gives more than a dime about my feelings and concerns.
I wonder if an ant would be successful inviting its elephant friends for an event it has planned for them. That's how i honestly think the influence i can make around my friends, not one bit. Yeah, i'm kinda implying the failed picnic thing i tried to plan during the holidays, my day would be ruined if not for an alternative plan was introduced, the "cola biscuit" thing at Kim's condo.
Enough about that though, life isn't so bad when i still can enjoy it with myself, things like dancing, painting, photographing, wargaming, photoshopping etc etc. I put wargaming inside because on more occasions i play with strangers rather than with friends but it's nice playing with all kinds of people. Been a long time since the last time i had an exciting battle. Oh, one last thing i enjoy doing would be blogging i guess, recently with the extra midnight time, i have been able to blog almost daily, it's nice writing just about anything that comes into mind, whether it's going to be sad or happy, i throw it all in here. It shows that i have been keeping quite a lot in my mind about the things in my life.
Love... hmm, truthfully, i'm uncertain of what it is nowadays, i can say i can control it but at the same time it's addicting, maybe because they are both separate issues. For once i can say that i'm able to control my feelings for someone, mainly because i have more important things to take care of and when think about having to add a girlfriend into the picture is going to seriously affect my life and my studies; the other reason would be i'm carefully observing and understanding what i want in that person, it would be detrimental for me if i don't listen to myself for once and when i have, it seems i wish for someone suitable, in the sense that i wish her to be in equal standing with me, the perfect average match for me. In the eyes of female readers, i guess i'm out of my league, which is why i choose not to be hasty, by such justification, i can control my emotions, only when she also meets her expectations in me, shall i look at myself without feeling unworthy for anyone.
Poetics aside, there's still always that lingering addiction of loving someone, it is embarrassing and weird to say that, i find happiness in thinking someone i would look forward to meeting. It is impossible to put into words without having it sound inappropriate but that's the way how i go through my days without feeling lonely or in other words, in absence of knowing of being loved. My problem would be that i subconsciously keep on crushing on people. It's kinda painful to me when my brain is always doing the opposite of what my heart wants to do, basically it's anything i do that intentionally will be to ignore or be cold to her.
Anyhow, i don't have anything concrete about anyone in particular, as direct as you want, you can say i'm just in denial or obviously a loser but that's how i deal with love. If girls would never shows signs of interest, neither would i, in person of course. But the good thing about it, is that it naturally prevents me from getting into a relationship, prima facie. Just to let anyone know, nobody can convince me otherwise unless a miracle happens perhaps, and miracles rarely happen.
This is Jake, letting you know that my heart's still beating, but it's flying all over the place.
No comments:
Post a Comment