24 March 2011
21 March 2011
Some changes.
Had an opportunity to go Taman Botani at Putrajaya, t'was a very long day indeed and that place was only amongst the several other ones i've went. Took some cool and wacky pictures there and thought some of them could be used prof. pic and blog pics.
The sudden change for my whole template to the color scheme red isn't that hard to explain why, basically the previous one was teemed with bad mojo and everytime i went in to check, i get annoyed by the emo-ish look of my blog.
So now, not only i changed the scheme but also the theme, i'm talking about the background music, since i'm more of 'whatever goes' and a loner now, the BGMs for No More Heroes seemed to be perfect for me, also liked them layback rock music. Then again sometimes i'm adventurous and playful so the other type of music but still from NMH.
The blog title's picture also pretty much was edited and put up to depict my life and fit the name of my blog more perfectly.
From the dark past to the bright future,
as so i travel forever,
on the infinite paths of light.
Not much happen at college, probably cause recently there's not much class to attend to. Yet alot has at home and in terms of myself. Who knew i could adapt to such a life and enjoy it at the same time, who knew. If you want to ask how is it like to have no close friends and a girlfriend, you found the right person, and tell you what, it's one 'hell' of a ride.
The sudden change for my whole template to the color scheme red isn't that hard to explain why, basically the previous one was teemed with bad mojo and everytime i went in to check, i get annoyed by the emo-ish look of my blog.
So now, not only i changed the scheme but also the theme, i'm talking about the background music, since i'm more of 'whatever goes' and a loner now, the BGMs for No More Heroes seemed to be perfect for me, also liked them layback rock music. Then again sometimes i'm adventurous and playful so the other type of music but still from NMH.
The blog title's picture also pretty much was edited and put up to depict my life and fit the name of my blog more perfectly.
From the dark past to the bright future,
as so i travel forever,
on the infinite paths of light.
Not much happen at college, probably cause recently there's not much class to attend to. Yet alot has at home and in terms of myself. Who knew i could adapt to such a life and enjoy it at the same time, who knew. If you want to ask how is it like to have no close friends and a girlfriend, you found the right person, and tell you what, it's one 'hell' of a ride.
16 March 2011
Just ignored it.
had a few days of hiatus of studying. couldn't get myself to open books and start reading. but hopefully now i got back my act with things cooling down for me.
----------------------------- News i looked into
Which reminds me, feeling really sympathetic for the major crises the Japanese are coping with, earthquake, tsunami, radiation and probably volcano eruption too. Hopefully the unique calmness and willpower the Japs possess will be able to rebuild their country again. It's a really sad thing because most of the creativity, culture, innovation and technological advancements are abundant over there, it would be a shame due these events they may be negatively affected. But my sympathy goes only so far, to ask me to donate with initiative is not likely.
------------------------------ Thoughts on past and future
Aside from the signs of an apocalypse happening, inversely, with outbursts of negative posts recently and the passing of time, things kinda start settling down, finally coping with changes in life in terms of friends i guess. More or less i just say this is meant to be la, and a sign for me to cope with it. I should realise by now my life is constantly changing, how fast does it change? I believe a span of every 3 months my life will change, easily foreseen that during semester break which ironically lasts for 3 months too and will be taking a life of self-improvement. While for the next semester, things will sort of remain yet i foresee that major changes will happen, one practical change is the inevitable thing that some of the friends are leaving for UK as which I or we, will not see for a long time. One other thing would be the possibility of meeting old faces again.
Any further in the future i can say much but for certain there will be things changing. Among other things, things that stay forever the same is my personality and my thinking although it will expand even further, for better or worse i'm not sure, so far i've taken the route of a loner and semi optimistic and pessimistic person. Nevertheless only the mind is in turmoil, outside in the real world, nothing's happening much, same ol' same ol' la.
---------------------------- Current status
So how's life treating me now? Ok i guess, if i can ignore the bad stuff, focus the good stuff, all things fine. Basically when things go bad i just start thinking things i like, more or less about WH40K hobby, it keeps my mind busy thinking up lists, strategies, rules bla bla bla yeah i know, you're not interested in that. Anyways, looking forward to be at home then college, no need to constantly see faces i don't like, noises i find annoying and the silent treatment i give to sitting next to me, sorry but if you still don't get that side of me, then lets just assume i'm being cold to you la, that makes much more sense than saying in my heart i constantly wish to start a conversation with you.
---------------------------- My Brother and Junior(No relations, just comparison)
Now for some ramblings on WH40K, for uninterested people, you can stop reading now.
I've tried influencing my brothers and Junior on numerous occasions, the former being almost impossible and the latter which i just go "meh. he's busy la.". From my gatherings, it seems like you can't have someone like something in the steps or sequence you had. For instance, i started playing due to the fluff or the story behind it, as i'm an imaginative person, interesting reads gets me pumped up no matter what context it is as even i find the rulebook immensely interesting to read although i am already mandatory to read it. While that is the beginning, the constant burning of the passion would be the building of one's own army and it's background, less on the wargaming for me as the army i chose had defective units and are not competitive against others mostly.
On the other hand, it is quite hard to understand for me that others choose the other way around it. Specifically i'm talking about one of my brother and Junior's interest in it, do note, i'm just making an observation, nothing is personal is directed at you, although as the image of you swearing when you read this things related to you sounds in my head, i don't really mind but rather i find it damn funny. Anyways, my brother, second elder to be exact, shares remote similarities with Junior, particularly that they are both hot-blooded, passionate and straightforwad, albeit the things that are concerned are different in many ways while maturity and age may be factors. Maybe just coincidence, they are also both Scorpios.
Why is these relevant? I can't be certainly sure but they make remotely similar decisions and views because of it but i'll only talk about in terms wargaming. My bro wanted to play WH40K, and i presume just for the sake of playing with me, he won't play at the shops because he thinks it's degrading or shameful to be there; while Jr. could be said the same too although he definitely is more open-minded and accustomed due to his love for collecting Gundams, Kamen Riders and other miscellaneous figurines and toys.
Furthermore, both share the same reluctance to read where there would be just numbers or words. However i could be the outlier here, Malaysians averagely don't voluntarily read as much i think if compared with even me, especially the mandatory rule stuffs. Because of their straight foward minds, they view it is better to have practical experience than theoretical knowledge and would find learning through practice is better. In my opinion, this is through in most circumstances, but wargaming is not one of them, it requires one to have mathematical and tactical skills, and strictly speaking, those skills are derived mostly from the books required to be read. The opponent will more than often spout stuff you don't know and will be dancing to his beats.
故曰：知彼知己，百戰不殆；不知彼而知己，一勝一負；不知彼，不知己，每戰必殆。
So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
----------------------------- News i looked into
Which reminds me, feeling really sympathetic for the major crises the Japanese are coping with, earthquake, tsunami, radiation and probably volcano eruption too. Hopefully the unique calmness and willpower the Japs possess will be able to rebuild their country again. It's a really sad thing because most of the creativity, culture, innovation and technological advancements are abundant over there, it would be a shame due these events they may be negatively affected. But my sympathy goes only so far, to ask me to donate with initiative is not likely.
------------------------------ Thoughts on past and future
Aside from the signs of an apocalypse happening, inversely, with outbursts of negative posts recently and the passing of time, things kinda start settling down, finally coping with changes in life in terms of friends i guess. More or less i just say this is meant to be la, and a sign for me to cope with it. I should realise by now my life is constantly changing, how fast does it change? I believe a span of every 3 months my life will change, easily foreseen that during semester break which ironically lasts for 3 months too and will be taking a life of self-improvement. While for the next semester, things will sort of remain yet i foresee that major changes will happen, one practical change is the inevitable thing that some of the friends are leaving for UK as which I or we, will not see for a long time. One other thing would be the possibility of meeting old faces again.
Any further in the future i can say much but for certain there will be things changing. Among other things, things that stay forever the same is my personality and my thinking although it will expand even further, for better or worse i'm not sure, so far i've taken the route of a loner and semi optimistic and pessimistic person. Nevertheless only the mind is in turmoil, outside in the real world, nothing's happening much, same ol' same ol' la.
---------------------------- Current status
So how's life treating me now? Ok i guess, if i can ignore the bad stuff, focus the good stuff, all things fine. Basically when things go bad i just start thinking things i like, more or less about WH40K hobby, it keeps my mind busy thinking up lists, strategies, rules bla bla bla yeah i know, you're not interested in that. Anyways, looking forward to be at home then college, no need to constantly see faces i don't like, noises i find annoying and the silent treatment i give to sitting next to me, sorry but if you still don't get that side of me, then lets just assume i'm being cold to you la, that makes much more sense than saying in my heart i constantly wish to start a conversation with you.
---------------------------- My Brother and Junior(No relations, just comparison)
Now for some ramblings on WH40K, for uninterested people, you can stop reading now.
I've tried influencing my brothers and Junior on numerous occasions, the former being almost impossible and the latter which i just go "meh. he's busy la.". From my gatherings, it seems like you can't have someone like something in the steps or sequence you had. For instance, i started playing due to the fluff or the story behind it, as i'm an imaginative person, interesting reads gets me pumped up no matter what context it is as even i find the rulebook immensely interesting to read although i am already mandatory to read it. While that is the beginning, the constant burning of the passion would be the building of one's own army and it's background, less on the wargaming for me as the army i chose had defective units and are not competitive against others mostly.
On the other hand, it is quite hard to understand for me that others choose the other way around it. Specifically i'm talking about one of my brother and Junior's interest in it, do note, i'm just making an observation, nothing is personal is directed at you, although as the image of you swearing when you read this things related to you sounds in my head, i don't really mind but rather i find it damn funny. Anyways, my brother, second elder to be exact, shares remote similarities with Junior, particularly that they are both hot-blooded, passionate and straightforwad, albeit the things that are concerned are different in many ways while maturity and age may be factors. Maybe just coincidence, they are also both Scorpios.
Why is these relevant? I can't be certainly sure but they make remotely similar decisions and views because of it but i'll only talk about in terms wargaming. My bro wanted to play WH40K, and i presume just for the sake of playing with me, he won't play at the shops because he thinks it's degrading or shameful to be there; while Jr. could be said the same too although he definitely is more open-minded and accustomed due to his love for collecting Gundams, Kamen Riders and other miscellaneous figurines and toys.
Furthermore, both share the same reluctance to read where there would be just numbers or words. However i could be the outlier here, Malaysians averagely don't voluntarily read as much i think if compared with even me, especially the mandatory rule stuffs. Because of their straight foward minds, they view it is better to have practical experience than theoretical knowledge and would find learning through practice is better. In my opinion, this is through in most circumstances, but wargaming is not one of them, it requires one to have mathematical and tactical skills, and strictly speaking, those skills are derived mostly from the books required to be read. The opponent will more than often spout stuff you don't know and will be dancing to his beats.
故曰：知彼知己，百戰不殆；不知彼而知己，一勝一負；不知彼，不知己，每戰必殆。
So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself.
故曰: 勝可知，而不可為。
Hence, we can well predict who would win but there is no strategy guaranteeing winning
Honestly, learning the rules was quite heavy for me as when Marcus lent me the rulebook, i gave a big sigh, "it's thick." i thought to myself, but i'm an exception to normal people i guess, consequently i found it to be interesting yet a lot of things are needed to be remembered and afterwards i was reading it whilst playing several games with him, giving me a good firm of the whole game.
For the two person i mentioned above, that's nigh the right way approach WH40K from my perspective but as i asked veteran players for help indirectly, i was told to let them explore on their own. I worry too much i guess, these hobby concerns a significant of cash to be used i worried it will be wasted if they half way discontinued. Why do i have a high belief that they will give up? My brother is getting married next year and probably will have a family of his own too whilst Junior has so much things to put his attention into and i sincerely believe it is much more important than progressing in this hobby. We have limited times, use them on yourselves, not on me.
This is a hobby i passionately love but i realized it is not similarly shared, when minds are unalike, they remain unalike, no matter how similar they are. And also of course i find my constant bickering about is super annoying too, "is there anything else besides 'WARHAMMER' in your mind when you talk to me?" is what i get the feeling when i talked about wargaming.
- Sun Tzu
Honestly, learning the rules was quite heavy for me as when Marcus lent me the rulebook, i gave a big sigh, "it's thick." i thought to myself, but i'm an exception to normal people i guess, consequently i found it to be interesting yet a lot of things are needed to be remembered and afterwards i was reading it whilst playing several games with him, giving me a good firm of the whole game.
For the two person i mentioned above, that's nigh the right way approach WH40K from my perspective but as i asked veteran players for help indirectly, i was told to let them explore on their own. I worry too much i guess, these hobby concerns a significant of cash to be used i worried it will be wasted if they half way discontinued. Why do i have a high belief that they will give up? My brother is getting married next year and probably will have a family of his own too whilst Junior has so much things to put his attention into and i sincerely believe it is much more important than progressing in this hobby. We have limited times, use them on yourselves, not on me.
This is a hobby i passionately love but i realized it is not similarly shared, when minds are unalike, they remain unalike, no matter how similar they are. And also of course i find my constant bickering about is super annoying too, "is there anything else besides 'WARHAMMER' in your mind when you talk to me?" is what i get the feeling when i talked about wargaming.
12 March 2011
Twit no more.
I finally snapped about Twitter. Who would've knew it could be so annoying that made me delete my account.
I finally slip down towards the lowest level of depression, the mere happiness actually frustrates me, the increasing period of procrastination, jealousy consumes me. Why am i so... desperate? For goodness sake, this is just a phase, nothing have i financial nor socially lost significantly. But why am i making such a freaking big deal out of it?
I'm sick of being like this as you would too just by looking at this blog. All the worse is that i'm putting up a poker face around everyone, pretending i'm ok. Well, in reality, I AM OK. There's nothing wrong on the outside at all, it's just the mind i'm having a hard time to deal with.
Sigh.
As a serious and analytical person, I've come to the conclusion to explain why I'm acting like this, the most likely reason is that I'm an attention seeker, but the coward kind. Because I have no way to get attention in the outer world due to the recent changes, internet was the only way to commune 'feelings' and 'thoughts' to other people, the responses will somehow, feed my restless mind until it feels it has been 'acknowledged', at that moment in time only. This probability was supported by the fact i'm constantly trying to get into wargaming community, to be acknowledged as someone who has a place there where the 'original community' couldn't be 'revived' back.
Because attention couldn't be obtain through even the means of blogging, you never know if your blog was really read. Basically I'm just trying to get into social group, people i can relate to, even if it is only in terms of a common hobby.
Really really honestly? no really really obviously, i haven't went out with friends regularly for what seems like been months. Haven't talked for more than 5 minutes regularly for a long time, you probably assume i was anti-social or a mute if you didn't knew me well. Nobody has planned anything for the whole group to get together since that 'reunion dinner' and that was kinda 'forced'. I couldn't care less afterwards, but turns out nobody had either. We're more concerned with ourselves now, not pointing out who but there are three definite 'splinter' groups, all to which an extent have their own 'plans'.
I foresee that even if we were to get together again, it'll be more obligatory than 'we natural wished' to gather like before. There doesn't seem to be that 'spark' in us when we see each other. Heck there's this person who's already giving me the stink eye and cold shoulders whenever he sees me for crying out loud. It's only a matter of showing that unwillingness to join and unimportance of it, subconsciously or not.
"When you want to do something, you'd move mountains to achieve it. When you don't, you make mountains out of molehills to avoid it."
One thing i still don't get is, why do i mostly see the worst part in people, in society, in this world? There's so many times i envy that carefree attitude of all you people. I just have myself think that something will happen not in favour of yours when things are as obvious as the huge zit on your face.
I've always kept my schedule mostly free for hangouts, now i'm trying so freaking hard to find something to do by myself.
*sigh*
things get so helpless and frustrating, you would be crazy not to have thought about 'ending it all'. But then again, i always tell myself,
"it's not worth it, not now, not ever; live."
I finally slip down towards the lowest level of depression, the mere happiness actually frustrates me, the increasing period of procrastination, jealousy consumes me. Why am i so... desperate? For goodness sake, this is just a phase, nothing have i financial nor socially lost significantly. But why am i making such a freaking big deal out of it?
I'm sick of being like this as you would too just by looking at this blog. All the worse is that i'm putting up a poker face around everyone, pretending i'm ok. Well, in reality, I AM OK. There's nothing wrong on the outside at all, it's just the mind i'm having a hard time to deal with.
Sigh.
As a serious and analytical person, I've come to the conclusion to explain why I'm acting like this, the most likely reason is that I'm an attention seeker, but the coward kind. Because I have no way to get attention in the outer world due to the recent changes, internet was the only way to commune 'feelings' and 'thoughts' to other people, the responses will somehow, feed my restless mind until it feels it has been 'acknowledged', at that moment in time only. This probability was supported by the fact i'm constantly trying to get into wargaming community, to be acknowledged as someone who has a place there where the 'original community' couldn't be 'revived' back.
Because attention couldn't be obtain through even the means of blogging, you never know if your blog was really read. Basically I'm just trying to get into social group, people i can relate to, even if it is only in terms of a common hobby.
Really really honestly? no really really obviously, i haven't went out with friends regularly for what seems like been months. Haven't talked for more than 5 minutes regularly for a long time, you probably assume i was anti-social or a mute if you didn't knew me well. Nobody has planned anything for the whole group to get together since that 'reunion dinner' and that was kinda 'forced'. I couldn't care less afterwards, but turns out nobody had either. We're more concerned with ourselves now, not pointing out who but there are three definite 'splinter' groups, all to which an extent have their own 'plans'.
I foresee that even if we were to get together again, it'll be more obligatory than 'we natural wished' to gather like before. There doesn't seem to be that 'spark' in us when we see each other. Heck there's this person who's already giving me the stink eye and cold shoulders whenever he sees me for crying out loud. It's only a matter of showing that unwillingness to join and unimportance of it, subconsciously or not.
"When you want to do something, you'd move mountains to achieve it. When you don't, you make mountains out of molehills to avoid it."
One thing i still don't get is, why do i mostly see the worst part in people, in society, in this world? There's so many times i envy that carefree attitude of all you people. I just have myself think that something will happen not in favour of yours when things are as obvious as the huge zit on your face.
I've always kept my schedule mostly free for hangouts, now i'm trying so freaking hard to find something to do by myself.
*sigh*
things get so helpless and frustrating, you would be crazy not to have thought about 'ending it all'. But then again, i always tell myself,
"it's not worth it, not now, not ever; live."
10 March 2011
Tired but.
Think i'm getting dizzy from the constant painting.
"If they were not my friends, they should be your enemy wor." Mum said.
But let me just say this.
Things are complicated, when i do nothing about it.
Secondary school friends, my mum made me realized i kept using the "friends" for them, how hypocritical of myself.
"If they were not my friends, they should be your enemy wor." Mum said.
To be exact, they weren't enemies either, ex-friends as i considered. But what i didn't admit was why i kept saying friends. Do i miss them? No, but merely they are "once were and always will be", as i only knew them 'then', i don't know the 'now' of them.
Now? now i'm living a weird life, i don't know how to deal with it properly, i've always been 'going through the flow' kinda guy, this stage of my life just hits a turn I know why things turn out this way - the reasons for my solitude, i've tried to turn it back - tried to make plans to have the group gather. Things just got, quiet.
When i think about it, about the time i broke/damaged my ligaments in my knees, is the time everything changed, i was no longer active in physical sports, no longer actively dancing, gradually slipped away from society bla bla bla, just thinking about it makes me sick.
Am i that incapable of living normally with these legs, useless without a camera, hopeless without the three close friends at my side? It's like everything i had, was taken for granted, and to punish me.
There are things i can't tell my family nor can they truly help me, those things are left for people i call... i don't know what they are really called, but there are virtually none left, what's left is here. Maybe this is how God showing who i truly am, i'm a manipulator.
06 March 2011
Life-changing events + February 2011 Summary
Over a week had passed, i prefer to think that it is a good thing, life's every sad moments does not affect as much as it used to. Could be that i found my way back, looking at it from a higher view. Every once in a while i like to review my life, for better or worse.
From 2009 to 2011. Life's had never constantly changed as much as before and i foresee that there's still more coming my way. However, changes are more of towards life between friends.
Mid to late 2009, was the peak level, the happiest time of my life. Everything that you can hope for being with friends seemed possible, fun, trustworthy, reliable, helpful, interesting, kind and the rest of it. It feels more of a dream if i don't look at the videos, but because of the videos, i know they are real to me. This part of it, from being ignored to being appreciated and loved.
2010, There has to come a time everything settles down and people change through time, something i knew yet i deny. Probably the most unstable year of my life with all that has happened. There's still memorable times nevertheless, just that the sensitiveness and denial nature of mine made me unable to cope with such changes. What i don't like about myself is that i'm unable to think clearly when emotions cloud my mind.
But what happens, had happened, the turn of events gradually gets worse, up until now, somehow i'm forced back to living a life similarly in 2008 but probably even worse. Adapting back a lonely life is one thing, adapting a life that needs to rely on myself is another thing. It's mostly the latter part that bugged me.
But that's that, life's about moving on so eventually, i'll get by it, although it takes a longer time for me to do so.
========================================================
Anyways, summary time, having a hard time to remember the past nowadays, could be that i don't keep track of it with photos or vids anymore and practically most of the times i spent are with myself and my studies.
My February 2011 Summary
1. Studies and assignments all month long.
2. Didn't do much during CNY, went to pray a bit at the shrine at my town, went to visit Uncle and Aunt Tan for a while and they come to visit us too. No "Bai Nian" with friends for this year.
3.Games commonly fill my spare time.
4. Painting models again, aiming to finish painting most of my army before my semester break.
Probably my salvation from such a mediocre and dull social life was to get back into wargaming. No personal attachment involves when i go to the shop and play, cause every weekend i get to play with people that shows one common interest and i rather have that than having to trouble myself with my social issues. I feel comfortable where everyone just focuses on the passion of the hobby.
I'm not saying i'm forgetting my friends but, reality as i see it, that friendship had subsided for most people, even i really hold the belief that it is not true but as "often" become "seldom", i need to move on. From the majority of our paths had made it possible for all of us to gather under one class. Now we slowly separate into different paths, choosing our own groups, bonding deeper with only certain friends, couples formed and new paths that had also intermingled at some point.
And i chose the path, the only path that is present for me, a free man.
From 2009 to 2011. Life's had never constantly changed as much as before and i foresee that there's still more coming my way. However, changes are more of towards life between friends.
Mid to late 2009, was the peak level, the happiest time of my life. Everything that you can hope for being with friends seemed possible, fun, trustworthy, reliable, helpful, interesting, kind and the rest of it. It feels more of a dream if i don't look at the videos, but because of the videos, i know they are real to me. This part of it, from being ignored to being appreciated and loved.
2010, There has to come a time everything settles down and people change through time, something i knew yet i deny. Probably the most unstable year of my life with all that has happened. There's still memorable times nevertheless, just that the sensitiveness and denial nature of mine made me unable to cope with such changes. What i don't like about myself is that i'm unable to think clearly when emotions cloud my mind.
But what happens, had happened, the turn of events gradually gets worse, up until now, somehow i'm forced back to living a life similarly in 2008 but probably even worse. Adapting back a lonely life is one thing, adapting a life that needs to rely on myself is another thing. It's mostly the latter part that bugged me.
But that's that, life's about moving on so eventually, i'll get by it, although it takes a longer time for me to do so.
========================================================
Anyways, summary time, having a hard time to remember the past nowadays, could be that i don't keep track of it with photos or vids anymore and practically most of the times i spent are with myself and my studies.
My February 2011 Summary
1. Studies and assignments all month long.
2. Didn't do much during CNY, went to pray a bit at the shrine at my town, went to visit Uncle and Aunt Tan for a while and they come to visit us too. No "Bai Nian" with friends for this year.
3.Games commonly fill my spare time.
4. Painting models again, aiming to finish painting most of my army before my semester break.
Probably my salvation from such a mediocre and dull social life was to get back into wargaming. No personal attachment involves when i go to the shop and play, cause every weekend i get to play with people that shows one common interest and i rather have that than having to trouble myself with my social issues. I feel comfortable where everyone just focuses on the passion of the hobby.
I'm not saying i'm forgetting my friends but, reality as i see it, that friendship had subsided for most people, even i really hold the belief that it is not true but as "often" become "seldom", i need to move on. From the majority of our paths had made it possible for all of us to gather under one class. Now we slowly separate into different paths, choosing our own groups, bonding deeper with only certain friends, couples formed and new paths that had also intermingled at some point.
And i chose the path, the only path that is present for me, a free man.
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