Twit no more.

I finally snapped about Twitter. Who would've knew it could be so annoying that made me delete my account.

I finally slip down towards the lowest level of depression, the mere happiness actually frustrates me, the increasing period of procrastination, jealousy consumes me. Why am i so... desperate? For goodness sake, this is just a phase, nothing have i financial nor socially lost significantly. But why am i making such a freaking big deal out of it?

I'm sick of being like this as you would too just by looking at this blog. All the worse is that i'm putting up a poker face around everyone, pretending i'm ok. Well, in reality, I AM OK. There's nothing wrong on the outside at all, it's just the mind i'm having a hard time to deal with.

Sigh.

As a serious and analytical person, I've come to the conclusion to explain why I'm acting like this, the most likely reason is that I'm an attention seeker, but the coward kind. Because I have no way to get attention in the outer world due to the recent changes, internet was the only way to commune 'feelings' and 'thoughts' to other people, the responses will somehow, feed my restless mind until it feels it has been 'acknowledged', at that moment in time only. This probability was supported by the fact i'm constantly trying to get into wargaming community, to be acknowledged as someone who has a place there where the 'original community' couldn't be 'revived' back.

Because attention couldn't be obtain through even the means of blogging, you never know if your blog was really read. Basically I'm just trying to get into social group, people i can relate to, even if it is only in terms of a common hobby.

Really really honestly? no really really obviously, i haven't went out with friends regularly for what seems like been months. Haven't talked for more than 5 minutes regularly for a long time, you probably assume i was anti-social or a mute if you didn't knew me well. Nobody has planned anything for the whole group to get together since that 'reunion dinner' and that was kinda 'forced'. I couldn't care less afterwards, but turns out nobody had either. We're more concerned with ourselves now, not pointing out who but there are three definite 'splinter' groups, all to which an extent have their own 'plans'.

I foresee that even if we were to get together again, it'll be more obligatory than 'we natural wished' to gather like before. There doesn't seem to be that 'spark' in us when we see each other. Heck there's this person who's already giving me the stink eye and cold shoulders whenever he sees me for crying out loud. It's only a matter of showing that unwillingness to join and unimportance of it, subconsciously or not.

"When you want to do something, you'd move mountains to achieve it. When you don't, you make mountains out of molehills to avoid it."

One thing i still don't get is, why do i mostly see the worst part in people, in society, in this world? There's so many times i envy that carefree attitude of all you people. I just have myself think that something will happen not in favour of yours when things are as obvious as the huge zit on your face.

I've always kept my schedule mostly free for hangouts, now i'm trying so freaking hard to find something to do by myself.

*sigh*

things get so helpless and frustrating, you would be crazy not to have thought about 'ending it all'. But then again, i always tell myself,
"it's not worth it, not now, not ever; live."