Time and time again, get's boring doesn't it?

I'll just make a quick one. As I don't have anyone to share/pour my mind out.

CNY holidays comes to end.

Time was pretty well spent, but I went to Cameron Highlands with my family for most of it. Could have used it for painting/studying but you never know which choice could be better.

And now, college starts. Could never look forward to it like I used to. Interaction between friends seemed meaningless.

What's the point, everyone's getting distant from me. You don't have time to hang out, relax and chat during class, same goes for gatherings. I was invited for Bai Nian, again I asked, what's the point? I don't want to be invited for the sake of being a friend or because you have to. What do I do when I'm there besides playing and meeting you?

I just can't understand, what are my friends for if we can't talk for more than 5 minutes. The topic is always trivial, I never get the feeling I'm having a willing conversation, it feels more forced.

Suggesting to use Facebook/MSN to have this kind of conversation? Friend, it's not the same in real life, it's just not the same, probably even worse.

For once, I like to seat down, in a cafe/restaurant, order a drink, talk for hours. If you can't do that for even ONCE, than well that justifies why we don't talk to each other.

Honestly, I'm feeling this way because life hasn't progress much for me, more like life is being holding back and everyone else's is moving forward. You either get a best friend or a lover around this age or life, I'm getting neither.

Confess to someone? Done it but the results, easier said than done. I have no idea what the answer was because it was not a yes or a no. it was more avoiding. Maybe my thinking is wrong but as long as a girl says yes, I'd be damned if I didn't treat her like a goddess afterwards.

I realise it's not hard to find out if a girl likes you. If she acts oblivious when you confess to her, it's a no, you don't need a simple answer. There's a very thin line between being friendly and something more than that, but I guess in my case, the girl has to be extremely friendly for no reason. 

I know for almost certainty, no one in college has a crush on me, contrasting to my mother's belief. Looking at it realistically, it is a sad truth in some way. I guess for others, love at first sight does not exist, nor does at first conversation, or even at several more.

There's no secret really, girls don't take first step not because they are afraid (I am) but because they never considered it. It is also not a secret that I have considered taking the first step on every girl I have met so far.

*gasp* Is it true?

Well duh, only girls are ignorant about it, why? I don't know because it's not the same reason for every girl. For the record, it's not just me, every single guys out there thinks like that, don't tell me they aren't similar, every single guys have at least considered it ONCE.

However, it's not the girl's fault, not really. I'm single because I stayed that way too long without even trying once to find someone with the effort needed. I'd stopped making new friends, chances are pretty low. I probably creeped/scared the girl I confessed to. We only met a couple times and talked in the internet and I suddenly confessed, how would you react to that if you were girl, shocked and rejecting I presume. Well, it's more like asking someone out on a date than a confession. But still, I watched too much anime/movies to think otherwise it would be easy.

So I'm back to square one, again. Nothing I can do about my friends or my pursuant of love. I just have to continue living and search for the light I have lost long ago. Every time I think I found it, it flickers out and escapes my grasp.

And the journey continues...

A 'realisation' blog.

I have to say, my blog's all about realising something at some point in time, though there is also the occasional things about my life.

Like, yesterday I helped the majority of the CNY reunion steamboat (originally dinner) for the college gang. It was more or less a success because it's just a pretty simple eat-out in the end.

Do I feel satisfied? Here comes the darker side of me,
no, I don't feel great about it. I didn't want to do it in the first place, doing gatherings does not benefit me in a emotional/societal way. The number of people coming for it didn't matter, we're more or less talking to the ones we wanted to go with, the bigger the number, the harder for people to talk to people way beyond your convenience.

I'm a person who likes intimacy, the atmosphere at the place was unsettling as any buffet restaurant would be like. If I would or I wanted to, I'd invite a few people close to me, just go some place that our minds could be at peace and let our hearts pour out. But that's wishful thinking for me, I don't have such like-minded friends.

To which I realise when I was driving back home alone again, my only reason to help Chew Teng with this event, was for selfish reasons. No doubt I'm not satisfied because the reasons were not accomplished. I gave love another chance, I gave one more girl that chance to prove me wrong that I can't find someone who loves me back. But I guess I proved myself to be a coward, clueless as to how to approach it.

I guess "kindness" does not show one's feelings. The only thing I can say is, I lack the charm in real life.

Hah, f*cking nerd thinks he can get a girlfriend. Dream on, boy, dream on.

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone.

A colour that didn't mean anything.

Purple, for some reason I want to talk about it.

People have accused me of it being my favourite colour. Well let's see the proof.

Well, can't deny that I have some form of liking towards it (I have purple clothes too). However, it was not because I naturally did.

You know how they some people leaves a part of them inside you? Well, she left this. Who? Kim. For some reason she contributes the most to the influencing. There might had even been a time I hated this colour or just disliked it. Now almost all parts of my life has some imprint of it. Somehow the amethyst bracelet I wear all the time didn't look as unfashionable as it was before too.

I question it subconsciously all the time, why? You wouldn't be wrong to guess this colour reminds me of her and because it has become my life, I'm reminded almost all the time when I think about purple. You might even say I had feelings, that is true but it is in the past. Though I wouldn't say it's because of time and location that do us apart.

The colour has become of a reminder about the extent to which a girl can influence me. Simply put, the more time a girl actually wants to spend time with me, the more I dance to her tunes in a way. It also represents beauty that I can never obtain as the meaning of the colour suggests. She was after all, an impossibility to be with someone like me. However, things change after 27th March 2011, probably my perception and my behaviour towards the world to be exact. I don't see the cheerfulness from the people around me anymore, nor the social interactions that we normally had.

Not sure but my mum probably realised something from the way I had painted my models, she suggested I was probably dark and gloomy, representing me in a way. Strangely, I thought I never really put any emotions into my works, just my preferences and what looked right.

To be honest, I live quite a dumb single life, even though I preach at how I have grasp the understanding of this world. Yet I don't even know how to change my very mind about this world.

7th January 2012

Finally, doing some actual blog work. So far have been procrastinating over studies, need to work on that soon.

Went to cousin's wedding dinner, strange thing is that I have one of the hottest cousin (other cousin, not the married one) I know of yet I'm totally uninterested. Guess I'm not one of the guys that only go for looks? Surprise.

Stopped planning for the CNY reunion bla bla bla and just went with the flow, it's going to be steamboat, yay. When this Sunday comes, I'll deem whether it was just joining a necessary social event or something more than that.

The more time I spend in college, the more annoyed I get sometimes. Fortunately, I have my hobbies and personal interests to occupy myself with rather than feeding my despair.

I'm keeping love as straightforward as possible and "flirting" as a snack for the lonely heart.

And that's about sums what is happening now in the 2012. Having a new me.