Hardest Objective = Accepting Life.

I live by a couple of rules in life.

One of them being the "Tolerate, and then Accept" rule. Which whatever problem you encounter, be it eventful or a person, you have to tolerate it for a certain period of time before completely accepting it as part of your life. An example would be the nuisance that surrounds me.

[If you're reading this again, well, if that's the way you want to know me.]

The point though of this post is to make another 'revelation' on my life. I'm very tired right now so I might be just as straightforward as possible. its like 8 out of 10 girls I meet, which I'm attracted/have a crush/interested whatever you like imagine, are already in a relationship.

Now, I can tell you, it's not fate, although part of me think it is but it's just the way I am. My best guess so far is, girls who are emotionally stable and/or socially extroverted, will tend to or try to help or befriend people. Well I would like to tell myself, "because you're always either sad or angry at something most of the time. And so don't really have a valid reason to complain about this situation."

I admit, I can't find love on my own two feet, I DON'T want to. I'll never meet that someone, because I only know how to react, not ACT.

I ask myself why do I attract girls who are already in a relationship, but I already knew the answer.

And then, I blame it on fate, telling myself I'm destined to be single and putting them in front of me and telling me you'll never get anyone. Which I knew it's all just in the mind, I'm just screwing myself basically.

So freaking tired.

If there is God, Buddha or whatever, I just want to know why. Why can't the next girl I talk to be without this barrier? Why can't I live the way I like and still find love? Is this some kind of divine punishment on me? Because I've sinned?

I don't know how long I can tolerate this BS in life. Without knowing why it is like this; the purpose of this, I can't accept the way things are.

I can't accept the fact, the next girl I like, is inevitably going to be forbidden.

I would be fine with unrequited love, but I can't have it, if it is wrong.

Just this one time, I want to be simply honest.

I couldn't say I have truly loved a girl, because I liked all the girls I had lovingly talked with.
I am simple and easy as that, because I rarely talk to be people, and even less when I can tell someone about my feelings.

People expect a man to be straightforward and shallow in his personality, to be emotionally strong. I try to behave in such a way, but my heart just disagrees with me, deep down inside I feel very frail and weak.

Love is too selfish a word if the other person doesn't feel the same way, but I am selfish.

Is it so wrong for a person to put so much thought in a person's simple gesture of kindness to your well-being?
I feel broken, lost-whatever you want to call it. This introverted personality of mine, I hate it. This simple non-life changing fate that I have, I hate it.

I'm jealous, of the things normal people like to do, which I never like doing. Why are there so little people like me?
If I had wish, it's a wish to have more people like me, so I wouldn't feel so different.

So I wouldn't feel like I'm a freak, a weirdo who loves someone just because she cares, for that tiny part of your life.

Just this one time, I want to be simply honest to myself.
I just want someone to love me and be with me, for who I am.

Re bow bow bow curve

Last Wednesday, I went on a club trip to Bow Sports, guess what they sell. Most awkward trip I've been to, the seriously think I was the first only ever Asian to be on the trip, yay for being first? But it's different and fun nonetheless, although I wished I brought my earphones along, there was a lot of waiting involved and I don't like having nothing to listen to.

I wasn't expecting anything grand really, British buildings are mostly boring if you ask me, though the shop being partly a warehouse wasn't in my mind when went on the Google Car.

My recurve bow in all its shiny silver and all the pounds it sucked out from me. There are arrows and bags too that I bought. Was sad that not much of the stuff came with purple as an option.

I only get to string my bow on Saturday because *gasp* I didn't know how for sure.

And I still haven't shot it, anxiously waiting for Wednesday.

Although this is just me talking to myself, thanks to the club for giving me this opportunity and my seniors Dave and Emily for teaching me the bow stuff.

I'm really glad I picked up on archery. Wouldn't know how dull my life would be here if I didn't.

Really John, really?

I like how everyone is discreetly religious. You can never really poke fun because they don't preach about the controversial stuff but just commonly acknowledging their faith.

Because admittedly you know there is some serious flaws in them when you question, at least I'm not as gullible as I used to be. But if you wish to describe the omnipotent being, it's really indescribable. Any kind of explanation we wish to give would be disproved, and I mean anything.

Nevertheless, if you asked me, I would first tell you, don't believe everything your religion tells you. The history behind it is just a story to get you interested, what you really want to keep in mind, is the basic virtues that it teaches. Virtues or moralities that is common to everyone and does not discriminate anything or anyone. You would soon realise all religions have similar values that they strife to teach, if only the world is not as divided as it is, all of them could just clump together and our descendants wouldn't know the difference. In short, religion is just moral studies with customs and traditions implemented by the founders, why? To create a sort of 'control', yet it fails miserably and becomes contradictory before our very individualism.

Funny thing about humans, we're genetically bred to be able to differentiate right and wrong, the feeling of compassion and empathy exists as long as the brain works fine, yet what shape most people as to who they are now is because of all these vast numbers of factors in this world that affects us. We look at an environment or guidance to do something; psychological, sociological, biological, economical, political factors.

So where do my belief belong? Atheism or Religion? Neither, I like being in the grey area. Mainly I just trust myself and what I think is right and what is real to me. If I believe in Buddha or something similar it's either I truly do so or I just wish so, do I control my fate? A bit of no but more towards a yes, I like to believe life is a gamble, I'm just playing it safe so I can choose my path more rationally which is rather I have a mildly fun life.

Am I evil? Hah, I make a lot of mistakes in life but I wouldn't say I'm evil. Neither am I good, because I only do what is right for me and others, the right choice is never always the kind and friendly one.