The older you get, the less desire to pursue.

Inevitably but not surprisingly I have come back here again.

I'm sure you, who ever you are, know the drill. In any case, it's good to write down the bad stuff. It means I'm mostly wiling to move on from this thoughts and conclude on them.

What comes first in my mind is that I'm getting numb over not being able to relate to a new girl any deeper than acquaintances.

I've been, 'chatting' with girls, mostly not in the real world. It has come to my first realisation, it's never going to work. If you don't have any chance of actually conversing with them in real life and for reasonable length, such mode of communication can't be primary one to be used.

Hypocritical as I may sound, I don't encourage online socialising at all. Debating sure, but you can only do little in terms of feeling actual thoughts of people in the cold screen. Any forms of it just deteriorates what spontaneous and honest conversations can be held between persons.

That's the thing though, people who don't have time in the real world relies on it. So much they feel actual speech is too cumbersome or time-consuming. Somehow work/studies have occupied people's lives completely.

At least, that's from my perspective, which is quite limited. Such a situation may appear as so because people that I know, just doesn't wish to put precious time on me. I have come to notice, secondly, that people do have time to do other things, giving ample of it as needed. The number of people I truly connect with, is only a handful, but I'm not considered to be someone important in their life, a third party; a side character; a person amongst a crowd.

But I'm getting sidetracked, who's to say I'm right or wrong about the things I say. Only I can feel what I feel, believe what I believe, see what I see.

Now, I don't particularly care the end result or the time I should spend trying. I ask a question, i get a response, then I reply back; rinse and repeat until either of us gets bored.

I would rather lie to myself than face an empty life than can be prolonged from happening.

.

Writing to myself again, welcome back.

I'm at that state of limbo now, when you have mixed feelings of happiness and sadness.

It's been more than a month now, since my previous post. Again, I like to keep it that way.

In some ways I'm busy, although I'm physically free from work or studies; my mind has been preoccupied by many thoughts. Again, a person having  too much time on his own develops a sort of weird habit.

Classes has started for about month now. Can't really say much but it's the usual routine only that I I have to try and do more than usual when I was in UK.

Being me and having cut off communication multiple times with some friends, I don't know how everyone has been doing these days. I only knew somethings as I came back and asked about it from a friend. Things could never have been much different from what I imagined.

Then again, it hasn't changed much, the atmosphere is still pretty much the same as before when I was in Aber; a large class and myself.

Life just goes on, the world doesn't revolve around me. I just recently talked to my mother about leaving Facebook before I created another one in UK. My family never knew quite well why. Though she understood it as I vaguely explained to her.

I never quite took the perspective from the other side as how she simply showed me.

"What if your friends did the same thing?" - I guess I would start to think that they don't want to do anything with me either, because they'll think I don't want to be friends anymore. And that's why nobody really did care much, even if they saw you in real life.

Not to forget why I did it, I'll mention it here again. I did it because it was getting seriously unhealthy for me, since I used to post status updates like nobodies business. Negative thoughts at those moments in time just keeps flowing through, typing whatever I felt like. I was addicted to Facebook in a bad way. The only thing kept from deleting it sooner was the amount of memories I created for myself and others. I just needed to move on and it was the only way possible.

Even now, I hesitate to blog here, because I know I won't write anything happy, honestly sad thoughts. But with a loner's life, you just have to pour your heart's dirty blood somewhere.

On to the second part.

Since there's absolutely no time for a nice chat when I go to college now. Making friends through online seems like my only option, although it's not really a good option. Trying to be real and honest is 'virtually' very difficult. I met this girl in class, was a friend of a friend but never actually talked in real life. So I decided to add and chat her on FB. 

Long story short, she's not much of a typer and not as free as most people are. Regardless, because I've always regretted not doing anything to show how I feel directly to a person, I made hasty invitation. Ever since then, we've never chatted and I deleted her from my list. Surprisingly, I didn't regret asking her out.

Now, now I'm just a tiny bit optimistic and hopeful. A girl who messages me first on a forum, a once in a lifetime miracle happened. We've never met but somehow, I just don't want to let go of her just yet, I might have actually found someone who has time to talk and probably wants to. It was very important to me because of my lifestyle. There's not much I can say, I just have to be patient and careful this time. But patience for love hasn't been one of the things I'm good at.

If she's not the one, then at the least I want to meet her. To say thanks for lending her time for me, even though it was just for a bit.

Subconsciousness is a b*tch.

Some times you think you have gotten over a thing that happened in the past and you've already moved on, you might have thought wrong.

(Hey, I'm back, haven't updated for a loooong time, cause, well, life's been great, solo-tastic.)

Since I went to UK, I've given the "OK" to myself to consider going out with someone I'm interested, there's various reasons but mainly cause my studies weren't going to be affected that much anymore and soon I'll have to 'step into the real world' anyways.

I've kept my promise to my parents and did good. I've graduated with a Second Upper Class. I'm happy that my family is proud of me, but doesn't seem a grand achievement when most of us gotten it with the difficulty not as most people have perceived.

But I digress, I'm sure it is my limited view of other classmates for my opinion. In any case, not saying I'm alone, but I was pretty much living with myself for 9 months. Contrary to might what people think, I was quite relieve that I'm rid off most societal interactions and just be free in my own world.

I was truly being myself, but I guess that's the problem. More or less, it weakened any bond that I have with friends that are not within my near location, and even my might have cut them off from my life.

For the time right now, it is impossible for me to know more people, and so the possibility of a date happening would just be a miracle.

Well, my "not having a relationship for my entire life" wouldn't be a problem, because I've let fate decide that for me. The problem is my stupid subconsciousness.

I have been having annoying dreams lately, dreams about the girl I've liked in the past going out with someone from my past that I've never met for years. I wake up feeling like crap and felt like that for much of the day, which affects my daily activities.

It's strange, you think you got over a person, but the past seems to come back to haunt you. What does it take to be rid of it, completely?

With my personality and my promise, no relationship was possible. But I guess some part of me do regret the decisions I make.

It is as people say, if you didn't make things clear, show how you truly feel, you will always wonder what could have happen and regret the chances you had lost for the rest of your life.

Hah, you'd thought removing every physical and digital things that reminded you of them, they will slowly fade away from your mind. But as long as it has been scarred into your brain, you'll remember whether or not you want to or not.

Unrequited loves suck.

Nothing to update = good thing.

Yeah, just telling myself, there's nothing to blog about. In other words, nothing to grief/whine/criticise about.

Which is good, means I'm busy and worrying less about myself and being single. Seeing what relationships have to go through to stay together, I don't think it's worth my effort to force myself to change and pursue love, when there's no mutual feeling, not even one bit.

Living quite comfortably with myself, and I mean just caring for myself. I need to be able to stand on my own whatever the situation is, before I'm capable of helping others. I don't want to see friends as just stepping stones to a social life, but to help each other equally. I'd rather stay away then be a burden to them.

Good day then, to my readers and myself.

V-day

Hey, don't mind that picture, I look way worse.

Anyways, hey Valentine's Day came. How are you going about it on this day, readers? I pretended it's not a thing throughout the day, since I have the usual lectures going on.

And hey, still no progress. It's not working I guess as normal, my way that is. Social networks suppose to make things easier, aren't it?

This girl, or any girl I'm interested in for that matter, aren't seem to be technologically dependent I guess. As in they are rather not integrated as much as guys in terms of communicating. I don't know, is this true or it's really just because it's weird to talk to someone in the internet first?

It's really hard to chat like this though. Do you think it's possible to stay connected to the internet for almost the whole day? Because it doesn't seem like most people are, even though they have lots of friends.

Again, I'm not sure, I've been separated from the majority of previous social life, that I'd forgotten how I used to be able to chat with friends. Or maybe it's the very fact that I choose to talk to very few people.

It doesn't seem like she's interested. It's pretty obvious when a person just gives relatively Yes and No answers to you when you're chatting, an immediate conversation finisher. It meant that there's nothing she wants to divulge to me nor anything that she wants me to share with. As if I'm forcing something that shouldn't be.

It could be because she doesn't type English words often, since she seems to type Chinese words more often in other places, if not all of them. But basically adds to the fact that talking to me becomes difficult to connect with me, though I understand either language just can't type Chinese words fast enough.

I might be jumping to conclusions but I've been trying for several times. It came to the point it felt like it was deliberate for her to avoid me. Most of the time there won't be any reason as to why, just no further response. I guess I have a hard time accepting that people in the campus don't have their phone's internet connection enabled for most of the time. With messages easily known whether or not they are read or at least had been notified, it's hard to believe you can avoid or miss them completely. I guess it's creepy? I'm not sure.

Ahh, well, it's not like I planned to do anything on this day, I've thought about giving chocolates like the two years ago but I guess it became pointless to do so. I might just be hoping some kind of fantasy to happen. The day still bugs me though.

My hair has never been this long before, it's kinda exciting to see how shoulder length or waist length is going to be like for me. Don't plan on cutting until I get back to home. And even then, I might consider keeping it long if I like it, whether or it's going to be a pain. But then it's curling to the front...

Just lovesick, or selfish lovesick.

Have you ever been lovesick, even though there are people who likes you whether or not it was indirectly or directly, but you never gave them a chance nonetheless.

Wouldn't it be a bit selfish to say, you have nobody now?

I wouldn't know, you'd think it's because I'm a guy and I'm pretty dense to see things like this. But knowing myself, any trace or bits of clue that I'm liked by someone, I will definitely know for sure. But the fact is, there's none. That's the most confounded thing in my life actually.

I'd question myself, what am I lacking. I admit though, back then my priority was just education and personal development, relationship was something I never dared to try to find, even though there temptations. Also because I stay to true to my promise when my mum told me so and the fact that adolescent relationships are rarely stable.

Next was confidence, at first I thought, you know maybe I was overweight and didn't look attractive much. But it was just because I wasn't confident; brave enough to be direct about my feelings and before I knew it, I was too late.

You don't know how many times I think back all the chances I could have tried. You can literally see the regret in your decision if you didn't take any action. I wished I've watched youtube videos earlier in my life. The phrase 'what do you have to lose?' should have embedded in my mind.

The problem is, if you like a person but you've just been friendly to her since the beginning, the chances are she'll think you as just a friend and it gets harder to fess up. I was too shy for my own good.

Back in A-levels, ahhh.. that's 4 or 5 years ago, huh? Time flies and it's still the freshest memories I had. Anyway, I was a cameraman/vlogger for my friends there for a couple years I guess until recently. A lot had happened but because of my deteriorating studies, I had to stop. Things start to be a bit clearer on my real social situation.

Simply, I wasn't a bit social in life at all. I've grown so accustomed to just filming or photographing people, I was practically mute if no one tried to talk to me. It became, very difficult to even think of relationships. It was as if I had to start from zero again.

Only up until now, do I try a little again since in most circumstances, you can say I literally left my past behind and went to somewhere else to start again. I gain back some confidence, what's there to lose when you have nothing to begin with, might as well dive head first into the ground. Since I've been living with myself, I'm actually controlling what, when and how I live, sort of.

At least I notice that I don't over eat when I cook, people are saying I'm getting thin but I don't really see the difference maybe very little. My hair grew to shoulder length too, I was thinking to keep growing my hair to medium-long even after I have left UK (which would be a sad day), but really depends how I look with long hair. I'm hoping it looks like those scholars from animes which looks graceful and cool but damn my dandruff problem.

Still no success though, at most I can just go straight in fb and chat with someone I'm interested. One thing I realise is, people nowadays at least for me, chat to either get help or plan something. Even if it is trivial chit chat, it'll be rare. Even rarer, discussing something deep.

Anywoop, although I still fail to connect threads, I can tell myself I tried and that, readers, is a huge step for me.

Sleeping Early or Late.

It's hard to get up in the morning when there's no class.

That or my dreams are getting very surreal, I would know it's a dream because I'll notice inconsistencies by trying to remember how I get to a place.

For an example, the last dream was about my family visiting me, even though we're in different continents but I'll think it makes sense for quite sometime. Waking up just confuses me, like it feels not right to be here, then immediately I'll easily go to sleep again.

Anyhow, life's been swell. I haven't been in a very depressed mood since  everyone went out for Christmas and till now. It's actually comforting to have a place all to yourself and not feeling alone.

Summary 2012

If I can remember half the things that had happened, wait a sec while I consult my own blog.

I'm back and, damn, I think 80% of the stuff is just crazy sh*t. Oh well, I don't think much has happened anyways.

I'll just try to remember the good and memorable times these, so it won't be in any particular order.

12 THINGS THAT I REMEMBER WAS GOOD.

1. I went to KLCC and watched Amazing Spiderman by myself. It was a, different experience.
2. My brother's wedding ceremony and I was the man in charge of recording and editing them. Wish I had my copy in my laptop. Was a busy time since it was in the middle of examinations.
3. Watched Resident Evil with brothers and one of the sister in law, don't remember which but it's the one that has fake Leon in it and Ada with a heavy Chinese accent.
4. Did some financial stuff related to Visa on my own.
5. Did most of financial stuff in UK, beat myself in the past I guess.
6. DIY steamboat with my family (just freaking remembered) on my birthday.
7. Went to Cameron Highland? Probably.
8. Went to Genting, again? Probably.
9. First time riding in a plane on my own, wouldn't be here if it weren't for that old lady's help.
10. Travelling and living abroad for the first time, ain't that grand?
11. Found a new hobby, archery. I love it.
12. Living in Aberystwyth, my second home, I love it too.

One thing might be true, I don't think I went out on any major event with friends this year at all. Oh wells, not like I wasn't seeing it coming.

And thus the year 2012 ends in 30 minutes. Was it a good year? Probably not the best or the worst but it is a year to remember. Because it's a year that has one of the most life changing experiences I had, a year that leaves a mark where I see the world differently a but more differently.

Oh, after today, would meant that I have been sober for a full year now. Congratulations to myself.

Oh oh, Happy New Year imaginary readers~~~