There's this thing i've been wondering for quite some time now, i haven't brought it up because often do i forget about it but it still something that should not be spoken of lightly.
How close can i experience death without actually dying or being close to it? In actuality or in my own opinion, death is just the end of my life, in a sense that it's actually connected to it too. It really doesn't matter when or how you're going to die, it's just something that is inevitable for me.
Right after i realize this, life became a bit darker but at the same time, more freedom of the mind. There was X-Box commercial i saw said 'life is short, play a game', funny yet also so true to me because i think everyone would also have that same feeling of how our times went by quicker when you remember back about our past; and maybe, at the same time thinking of much quicker will it still go in the future or how much time you would still be left with. Thoughts like these are usually very scary, saddening and truthful but let's one to prepare the mind for the worst case scenario.
Hmmph, being anti-social and emo for such a long time makes one's mind full of such thoughts, eh? I tell you one thing for sure is that people will usually judge me that way because i would talk less, look upon the sky or seemingly looking through walls. Yup, i kinda developed the kind of thinking where i will usually assume how someone thinks of me, because that's how think of other people when i can only see their outer shells; i assume all having the same common sense of judgment of people and usually, i'm always correct on how people think of me.
You can pretend all you want in front of me, but know while you're talking to me or in my view, i'll be thinking why, why you are hiding your true view of me or in another harsher way to say it, why are you lying to me. There will always something else besides the expression on your face, because both of us have the same mind and maybe the very same thought patterns in them.
Judgment is in the hand of people, but suspicion will always reside in our hearts, the only difference is that have you realized it or not; in your subconsciousness, there always will be the existence of the question mark on a person.
Maybe i think too much, literally, almost 80% of my time, i spend with and for myself, just thinking, even if someone's there with me. Thus, probably had made me more mature or just delusional of reality... ..which truly frustrates myself.. anything i do, i'll think twice as long as other people before doing, almost retarded i guess. Oh by the way, don't say that i am wrong or you are the same because that just friggin pisses me off, be it you either are true of such statements or utterly faking, i just don't like it when people think fully of themselves.
Anyways, a little bit on current thoughts, recently there's been alot of hype about the prom thing, people just kept on asking me if i wanna go or with the usual 'should i go to the prom?' lines. Don't get me wrong, proms are nice(althought i never actually attended one) but.. sigh.. why do i care.. as if going to the prom with guys wasn't gay enough. I mean, to me, proms are usually hinting to me "get a lady to go out and have fun" but that's the problem and the whole stinking truth of me; i lack the confidence, i don't wanna go unless someone really nice wants to go out with me to the prom, sigh, damn my heart is hurting just by typing this out.
Sigh.. what am i saying..? i should have just asked someone to go with, too much thinking had made me hesitant and always having second thoughts, i slap myself in the face for it. Am i worthy to get a nice girl for the prom? do i have to go out with a girl for a prom? I'm just another loser.. i'm just a wuss.. i'm just a "Thinker"...negative thoughts again. Why can't i be a bit more daring and free minded..? Things like this happens once in a lifetime and i just ignore and wait for nothing to come towards and nothing will happen.
..maybe i'm the only one who's really hyped about it.. ughh..
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