Running out of posts, talk about college friends i guess.

Since recently, i've been totally brain tired, with all those mindless studying day in day out, i think i used too much of my brain each day that i don't have anymore spares left for other uses, while writing this is one, i probably using the last bits of mental strength to do so, pathetic eh?

Well because of that, i think every time when i wanted to blog, i find myself out of ideas or out of thoughts as to what the hell should i bore people with? It's so bad that i think i'm having short-term memory losses these past few days.

Stress is one way to say its reasons but little by little i realize they are self-made and this stress thing slowly disappears. Self-made-stress probably are about love, relationships, responsibilities; the main ones i guess happens when you overly think about them as in technically, it is not as big as problem you think it is. True, sometimes(or often) i have stressed myself about not being acknowledged or loved as much as i want from people around me and it really feels really real and true, however if i try harder not to give in to my emotions and think for a second, i probably would it foolish of how i was behaving according to my emotions; i give in to my emotions to easily, too many times and moments of realizations of such facts are always too late to say "i was wrong on the outside and inside of me".

Well i'm kinda half conscious and half sleep, the things below i write might be deep thoughts about people around me recently, especially the college pals.

Junior

Probably one of the closest friends i made recently and a friend i trust and respect. What i really like about him is that he tends to be understanding of what other people feel and thinks and through that, tries to cope with them and make them comfortable while being with him. Maybe because of that i find myself able to sort of connect with him easily even though some things may not necessarily be relevant with each other.Though recently he's been kinda down, maybe the recent exams had hit him harder mentally and emotionally than i thought, well i can't do much to help him if he doesn't tell me what's troubling him, all i can probably do now is give some spiritual support, hope the obsidian crystal would help him in some way spiritually possible. It just gets me down too when a friend's not feeling good especially when i heard one of his close friends passing, i probably took a dive with him too, thinking "damn, just yesterday we had a good time, and suddenly this happened". Couldn't study properly, probably for a few days until i know he was a bit ok. He's a really nice person, a jolly good friend to have, i would say.

Kean Hoe

I would say he's a friend anyone would want to have; friendly, kind, generous. I think most friends in college i made are of this category but i find few of them that are truly nice like KH for an example. Sometimes I wonder how a person can turn out to be good while some turn out to be rotten eggs. True though, i always wonder what they are thinking, as probably i am sort of a half pessimistic-half optimistic guy, i tend to think bad thoughts about the person and maybe much more later, i would try to think good thoughts. Bad thoughts like "is he really doing this out of his heart?" and later good thoughts "i believe there's still good people like him out there." always runs through my mind when thinking about a person's true heart. Since because of my lack of communicative skills, like anyone i am in contact with All in all, KH is a great guy and probably same for all other's, i would like to know him better.

Marcus

Honestly, he's one of the coolest guy i have ever met, i'd say a real man hahah but seriously, like most of any other friends in college, he's made up of that goody stuffs that people would normally like. Since he's a year older than me, i find myself seeing him more of my senior rather than a "Junior" (lame joke, i know). Well, in truth, i learned a lot of things from friends even if just by interacting with them but i guess Marcus literally teaches me stuff; probably most of the time i speak english with him which generally mine sucks but he's one of the few persons i would have a chance to improve my english language. Like recently, he taught me how to play Warhammer (a tabletop miniature wargame) although technically useless stuff in real life but something that really gets my interests. Though, like any other friends i first would have met, i immediately assume he's hiding something, i probably will always have that thinking of everyone will have a mask to hide behind, the only difference is that how much is it covering up that persons face, i know i have one, probably only hides half of my face.

To be pathetically honest, i'd say only the three mentioned can be considered close or good friends and i'm assuming this thoughts are mutually similar for them too but i could be all too wrong about this, maybe it's just me but that's what i truly think i guess, words written here probably sound empty and fake but that's my only way expressing fully, it's almost impossible for the words like "i would like to thank you for being my friend" to come out from mouth and tell it in front of you, that's just gay.

May Jean

A true happy-go-lucky person? she's right here in this college and i managed to find two of such a rare breed(the other one being Kim), hahah. Hard-working, responsible and all that good stuffs makes MJ too with abit of that extra sensitivity of a girl, she's your typical 'innocent' girl. AGAIN to be pathetically honest, she's probably the first female friend i managed to have as a friend and able to have a bit more lengthly conversations with her when all the while before in secondary school i'd only greet and most of the later times, avoid contact with girls (i WAS emo, and maybe still a little bit). Wow, after writing that i think i'm REALLY noob in all of this stuff, saddening isn't? Aside from looks, i found her to have stressed herself too much over responsibilities and whatnot and at the same time, still trying be her normal self. Recently, only basing from my observations and inferences, she had busied herself with all the exams and don't even give herself much time for a break from it. OR maybe it's just me, what do i know? I'm anti-social, period.

Kimberley

Sometimes i think to myself, i should not have made friends with girls, at all; maybe because there's girls like Kim, these kinds, although having good stuffs like friendly, the MAYBE bad thing about it is that sometimes it might be considered TOO friendly. OR maybe i'm just timid but a girl that gets close to you like nothing's wrong while you're doing something or what, i'd think i would have the following thoughts of "What the poop!?" or "OMG, what's she doing so close!?" or my personal favourite "Uhhhhh.. ok.. just ignore her, Jake , maybe she'll go away". Well truth be told, it's not that bad once you get use to it, it's just her way of expressing herself, a carefree, kind, friendly and all that goody stuffs that she has. Oh and not to mention probably one of my third or second female friend i've considered to have recently made (again that sounds so pathetic).

Damn have to stop spouting out this poopy stuff. Anyways i'll postponed this 'confession' thing for now and i would like to say thank you and sorry to all my friends(i know i did this before but....); thank you for being a good friend to me even though i suck at being one and because of that i'm sorry for not able to be much of a friend or able to return back your kindness.

Sometimes i think i just might lose it, like right now.

I think i'm ok now.. or so i think, actually right now this morning my head and my body are aching really badly, like having too much alcohol and having a hangover. But damn recently, i'm having super weird dreams which makes me really uncomfortable when waking up, head's filled with lots of question marks and blurry mind.

Ugh.. i think i'm getting better now, maybe i used the computer for too long(that's what my mum said) and i agree on that point, just when i stopped going to college and 'rest' at home, almost all the day i spent surfing the net, playing games oh... and not to mention 6 hours video editing. Should probably take better care of myself and get myself a life, hahah.

Oh again, thanks to all who watched the vids, i really appreciate that you have wasted 14 minutes of randomness. hahah but seriously, i'm glad. Hmm, when i think about it, maybe, just maybe, i make them because i miss you all, girls and guys, especially you girls, hahah. I, myself, found happiness in those vids; it brings a smile to me during those gloomy days or days without being at college or the other way round; without seeing you in college.

Hmm.. probably all of this sound kinda bullsh*t to some(if not all) of you since during college times, i seem to be like a mindless, stalking, creepy, dorky cameraman that takes pictures and videos without anyone noticing. To say the least, the door to my heart ain't that easily opened for anyone and i don't think i have opened up to anyone and if i had, maybe only a few selected family members i guess; friends, not a single one i think, i only show them all those cold, dorky and clumsy side of me.

So the only way now is through texts, thats why it seems i'm pretending to be heartless to you all. Believe it or not, that's the truth.

Abandoned Idea but still a pretty awesome idea.

Upon in the process making my vids, i've had an idea i wanted to try but may never truly come true so i guess i post it up here as an interesting idea for the series that may have to end this year. It's an idea about making a music video for the opening theme of 'What's Happening?' series using a japanese song called Anata Magic by monobright.

I've made the sequence on who's gonna being lip syncing to the song. Since it required cooperation and precious time to make it, i've decided to drop the idea.

First Group

*Sekai mo* (Junior) *namida mo*(Marcus) *tsuyosa mo*(Kean Hoe) *wasurete*(Kimberley&May Jean)

*Suteki na* (Mei Quin) *anata ni*(Jolynn) *utawaretai*(6 All together) *yo*(Jake)

Scenes

Boku no uta no naka niwa

Arifureta usotsuki dake ga

Kokoro wo ugokasou to shiteiru

Dakedo shitteirunda

Mamono wa kokoro no naka da yo

Okubyou na jibun dake ga otae ka

Second Group

*Sekai mo*(Stan) *namida mo*(Lee Tat) *tsuyosa mo*(Thomas&Andrew) *wasurete*(Ah J & B)

*Suteki na*(Winnie) *anata ni*(Michele) *warawaretai*(8 All altogether) *yo*(Jake)

(First Group and Second Group)

MERAMERA shitai yo

(Remaining People i haven't mention)

KIRAKIRA shita yo

(Everyone)

Boku ni wa mienai ANATA MAGIC

(Junior)

ooooOOOOooh oooOOOoooh

*Everyone beats up Junior at the end XD*

I'm beside you, yet you don't see me as how i see you.

Things are just not meant to be,

as i would have wanted;

even all that time i've spent with you.

It mattered all too much for me,

even if you don't cherish it as much as i would have.

So let this selfish one,

be with you,

with all the time that is given,

for you and me.

Even so,

it happened because all what i've been,

was nothing out of the ordinary to you;

to see you smiling,

to be in your presence,

is truly enough for me.

So that you,

could be yourself,

and not for the sake of my selfishness.

So let that last night of you,

your beauty, your grace,

be engraved into my mind,

for always and ever,

So that i,

do not leave this hole in my heart,

empty without you.

About the exam, nope, you talk about it.

I'll leave the rantings and the feelings about the exam to the other people since probably it doesn't really matter who wrote it when you readers would have gone through most of the others about exams and what not. Actually i just don't feel like updating boring stuff like my exam, who really wants to know?

Anyway, life's been going up and down like a stock market graph recently, mostly it's going down. When i mean down it doesn't actually mean life's bad but mainly about remembering things that are bad about me, the worst of myself.

Doesn't really feel any good knowing i'm such a selfish slob, around friends and family, around everyone, doesn't feel bad either, that's why sometimes i really hate myself.

I haven't really said anything about why i'm selfish right? Well maybe because part of me still thinks that it's not really selfish, i'm just being ignorant about things. But I think in actuality, i just have a lot of excuses to be selfish, i use education as an excuse to escape responsibilities and help people when they need it. Nope, i just think for myself, how i have my own needs and my own suffering. Not for a single time comparing or knowing how others feel about me.

I have said i would change many times but another excuse comes naturally to prevent any change at all, my personality. Ideas, thoughts, feelings.. i can't believe for a person who has a brain that can properly think, cannot immediately, think for other people first, it's always for self-interest. I feel every action i have taken, were all for myself.

I don't know, maybe i'm just confused.

Firstly i need to give condolences to Junior for his lost of a friend and sorry for the dramatic post i made just a while back, usually i'm not that easily succumb to my emotions but dunno why something like that could break me apart. I have to admit though, i think socially i'm not doing that well.

But don't worry, i think i'm ok now if compared to the last time.

Well as the title says, i'm confused on the subject of my stressfulness; i seem to be really relax about my exams, almost zero worries on it, then again this is off set by problems on my social life. Although i'm almost carefree on my studies, there's always those social problems bugging me, always making me emo. I think most people are like that but for me i guess almost all the time these problems always resurface to haunt me 24 hrs. Which totally irritates me when i would try to study properly.

There's always a belief that being single is better than a couple that had been separated. For me though, i think it's better to have your heart broken for once or twice than having to have your heart ache for what seems to be a long time if not forever. Yeah i have my problems being single, it's not really that easy to ignore and avoid temptations that are near to me since.. my heart is easily swayed by girls and i have that morality called 'being a gentleman', can't deny that fact. But then again i have a brain that i think i use too much and can still be hesitant and choosy on girls. Therefore, making me think useless crap day in day out, it's actually quite stressful to the mind.

I don't know, maybe you can tell me why do i think so much, i'm really confused on the subject of love.

I must be stronger, so you won't cry for me.

I have to say... i'm sorry, Junior. I really wish i could do something to cheer him up. Right now, i actually feel some sort of sadness for him,but he can't possibly had shared it with me, maybe it's just me.

Things like this will always happened.. but i wish it will NEVER happen, not to anyone or myself. My mind was truly shocked at first, that sorrow slowly grew in me but i managed to suppress it. It truly made me realize what was really important for me,all the nonsense i've been focusing on in my mind was of no comparison for this unexpected event.

Today i cried watching an episode of an anime which was so coincidental and precise on his situation and maybe mine.

It talked about a story of an old man, who was seemingly being bad mannered to everyone around him, including his own wife. He would tell them continuously to die; saying "You will die faster than me" or "I'll live longer than you". But one day, he adopted a stray puppy, the dog was alone since right after its birth, it's parents immediately died. The story is told during the 18 years, one by one, the old man's family and friends had died before him and he was all alone, but his health was already in critical condition, but there was one living thing that was still competing with him, his dog, he was still cursing the dog to die and subsequently, the dog looked like it was also cursing him back too.

After 18 years, all that was left, at that time, he was sleeping in his death bed, his sons although disliked him because of his ill-mannered still accompanied him in his last days, leaving him all alone, but there was still one old friend left, still desperately clinging to life, his dog. In this anime, the old man although in a subconscious state, went out of his deathbed and went for a walk at the park, thinking his dog would be there and really, there he was; both still cursing each other as they desperately tried to walk.

Why are they both still desperately trying to compete with each other, even though they hate each other. The answer lies in the past where the very first words said by the old man to the dog.

"Little puppy, you know, friends are good; they are not like your wife, problems always occur with them but not friends, because you can talk anything with them and make as many as you like."

"However there's one rule that i will always follow when having friends is not to live longer than them, that way they will never cry for me but i will cry for them instead when they die so they will never be sad for my death."

"So little puppy, your my buddy too, so you should die faster than me, ok?"

At that time the puppy looked at him, seemingly realizing something extraordinarily important had been told to him. But already 18 years had passed and the two of them were still trying have a walk with each other in the park even though they could barely move. At the very last moment the old man collapsed to the ground first and the old dog was able to walk a bit further away from him, the dog, thinking he had maybe already passed away, collapsed to the ground too. But the old man, could still move a bit of his head and looked to the old dog and said-

"Hah, you have lost, buddy, because you made me cry for you..."



...I'm sorry, i can't write anymore... Junior.. everyone i will stay strong and support you..