Summary 2010

Summary of the year, well don't expect much out of this post, some are recap of summary months i made while some i made it today because there wasn't much in it or there isn't one. Some "month title" has a link to it's original post, if you wish, you can go check on them.


January 2010


1. I managed to meet new friends.
2. I enjoyed filming and taking pictures each passing week.
3. Continued "WHIC?".
4. Wargamed at Junior's place with Marcus.
5. First time went with only girls to karaoke - Chew Theng, Elaine & Yik Yee.
6. Skipped maths class, went shopping with Kim, Marcus & Junior, Junior soon left.
7. Posted 方大同 - 三人遊 twice without noticing until now, maybe had suspected.
8. Went karaoke again to celebrate Winnie's birthday.
9. Spent one night at Marcus' place assembling miniatures, watched a movie when Kean Hoe came.
10. Almost hit the rear end of someone's car because of my emotional state, yeah it's where things start to get unbearable.
11.  AS result came out was moody about it(not as moody as when A2 result came).
12. Thanked Everyone.


February 2010


1. Dinner at TGIF with a couple of friends, paid by Mr. Aria.
2. Loitered alone at the Curve.
3. Celebrated Chew Teng's birthday in Tort class.
4. Gambled, visted relatives and friends during CNY holidays.
5. Still emotionally stressed, it never leaves ya that's for sure.
6. Went 'bai nian' with college friends during the last few CNY days.


March 2010


1. Thankful for having friends and family that cares about me.
2. Accepted offer from Kim to work at Edu Fair, first time working.
3. Mind says 'I'm through with her", Heart says 'we'll see'.
4. Studied how to wargame more intensively.
5. Study, study and more study.


April 2010


1. Sad about my brother's failure to get engaged.
2. Surprised about Jo Ann's surprise birthday celebration even though i knew it, surprisingly.
3. First time writing at a cafe.
4. Identity crisis too.
5. First time writing at a train.
6. Progressed on wargaming and dancing.
7. Learned more about life and myself.


May 2010


1. I watched great movie - Gran Torino(Recommended)
2. I was a cameraman for my brother on the day his registration in marriage.
3. I'm beginning to do sit ups and pumping whenever i can.
4. I played only a few games this month which is a surprise for me.
5. I am pretty screwed up in college(Anti-social + insensitive)
6. I pathetically confessed about my love which made me do 5(still trying to cope with it now).
7. I only memorized cases for my exam (which i had regret til this day).
8. I became a fan of Perfume.
9. I became a music searching program for Kim's weird mixed taste of music(for a period of time only).
10. I built some miniature models with some that i share with Marcus and Junior, waiting for more.
11. I first time slept for 12 hours and haven't eaten for 15 hours.
12. I first time studied for more than 10 hours outside of my home with a few others.
13. I ate at Las Vacas with two older brothers, yummmmy.
14. I first time studied alone at a cafe called Kitchen Creatures(thanks to Marcus) for just measly 3 hours.
15. I'm growing my hair to shoulder length.
16. I saved a fly that was drowning in my Old Town Enriched Chocolate drink.


June 2010


1. Finished last two papers of A2.
2. Immediately after that, Karaoke session, some technical problems.
3. Kim and Chew Theng reminded me that i fear their uber-skills in singing.
4. BBQ dinner at Junior's place, aimed at grouping together Jan & March intakes (which we eventually did, it was the starting point).
5. Stayed at his house afterwards (was the last time ever since).
6. Later went roaming around with him at the area for gundam stuff.
7. paranoid with planning a trip for college friends.
8. Misc. stuff with myself and family throughout the month, which means emo-ed alot.


July 2010


1. Got my first car.
2. Went to Kuala Selangor with it.
3. Went to Mid Valley alone for taking scenery pictures.
4. Wrote a story which i don't think i'll continue on it.
5. Emo emo emo and emo some more.
6. Celebrated birthday for July people with college friends.
7. Got a great present from Marcus and Junior, thanks again.
8. Celebrated my birthday with family and went to Genting Highland afterwards.


August 2010


1. Finished my brother's overly due wedding ceremony video.
2. Visited my cousin to look at her newly born son at a hospital at Damansara.
3. Went to Penang, that's probably my last time ever sulking over past love (reduced only).
4. i finally got my teeth examined and repaired my stained teeth.
5. Gotten used to not going out with friends.
6. did go through the subject of "True Friendship" ever since, not anytime soon.


September 2010 (gotten hits like for no reason)


1. Classes started, friends changed, i'm back to square one, similarly only.
2. I've officially stopped regularly making WHIC episodes (haven't made any ever since).
3. My mum successfully got her failed kidney removed.
4. Busy with prom works/studies.
5.Tied in a game with Marcus, considered a remarkable achievement for me (haven't another match ever since).
6. Continuously talked to a girl (it only lasted less than two months or so)


October 2010


1. Sprained my knee during my first badminton session with college buddies.
2. Climbed almost to the top of Broga Hill, first experience in climbing, first to vomit in front of my friends in midst of climbing, love it anyways.
3. Get to be more close with a few friends, i think (just maybe a few inches close).
4. still busy with prom work.
6. I went to get my acoustic guitar refurbished, probably going to start practicing again (only occasionally).
7. Haven't progressed in wargaming much due to having a life but have painted a few things.
8. My studies still seem mediocre despite constant assignments piling up, will try to do better (getting better).
9. Played a few games, liked most of them.
10. Started playing Backyard Monsters probably this month but have to thank Yannie for getting me addicted.
11. Missed dancing and moving around properly (still am).


November 2010


1.Worked for prom.
2. Practised dance for prom
3. Sprained my knee for the second time during practice, yeah i didn't tell anyone.
4.Acted for prom.
5. Helped at the prom set up.
6. Had one of my dreams come true, performed on a stage in front of an audience.
7. First time put make up, really irritating when put on eyes, by a girl, continuously used hands, really uncomfortable.
8. Looked awesome during the prom.
9. Loved the dresses the girls wore that time.
10. Sent back a girl and went home reallll tired.
11. Criticisms and happenings related to prom.
12. gave kopi money to corrupted cop, which makes me corrupted too.
13. got slightly hit by a car at the back.
14. painted two drones.
15. watched RG Veda & Trinity Blood.
16. tried to claim expenses made for prom, from Mr. William, two times, failed so far.
17. one last gathering with Prom Committee at KLCC's Dessert's Bar, haven't seen most of them since then.


If you haven't noticed i put tids and bits of what i currently think of something happened and commenting on it. But anyhow, i still do a December summary.


My December 2010 Summary




1. Studied more intensively and more attentive in lectures.
2. Watched Zetman manga, really dark story.
3. learning After Effects, kinda.
4. made a cover song, made my family and i laughed at it.
5. met Kanimoli who came back from England and Kin Sin & Joanne again and ate at Ding Tai Fung with others.
6. went to Genting for no serious reasons.
7. spent most of my either playing flash games at Kongregate.com or doing my assignment.
8. gotten really emotionally stressed at some point in time, but able to release through blogging and time.
9. didn't officially/truly celebrate Christmas, when did i ever.
10. Made okonomiyaki with brothers during Christmas day.
11. Sadly, didn't attend to Geraldine's open house, again, sorry.
12. Celebrated dad's birthday with whole family.
13. Spent New Years with whole family.


Thoughts and feelings about 2010.


  Looking through the months and summarising them again(used about 3 hours) had made me realized that, i have grown cold to the world around me, becoming more of a realist and an opportunist. Who knows? i may change again, next year i'll become a nature loving hippie. Even though my mind is different, the outside of me remains the same, the only difference is that i would take different decisions from before. Looking at another side of the world doesn't necessarily change how it works.


  It's amazing how naivety ends this year, never thought that i'll lose it but then again, who's expecting it. Anyhow, i'm making no sense, i'll just say that so many things have passed, not just once but constantly, it'll definitely lead you to the path where everyone is going, to stray from it is just like denying how you digest food.


 And if you look more broadly, my 2010 can be separated to three arcs, first arc would be from January to June, story of me going through a crush that pushed me to the breaking point which is the crude confession, and then the ending story for A-Levels. The second arc would be from June to September, where it is the story of me struggling to cope with the life without friends, almost literally. And the final arc and it's from September to the end of the year, it tells the story of how life is so different from the first two arcs and the events that had changed his view on friends, forever. 


  From love crazed to.. well, still love crazed but more in a controlled manner than before, from close friends becoming hi-bye friends, from family problems to personal problems. Jeez, and i'm here thinking my life is boring.


  Well, that's about what i can to 2010, i don't reall like him but he certainly let me experienced a lot of things while some of it unwelcomed, but he definitely helped me to grow and move on the last few times we meet. However, again, it is time for me to bid you farewell, you've been a great year.

2011, think you can beat 2010? Well, we'll know in time.

This is Jake, wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

Fool.

Also indicates i follow this woman's blog.

feeling better, probably. [Long post]

I didn't truly celebrated Christmas, being a Buddhist and all, my family don't. Don't have friends to celebrate with, didn't want to contact any of them, especially my high school friends. College friends are far from my reach, they have their friends to celebrate with. So i spent most of the playing games and doing my assignment during the time. Kinda sad, isn't it, but i was expecting it, the friends i wanted to spent Christmas with were either all over the world, literally, or have other friends and family to spend with.

Yeah that's the downside for not having any friends close to you, either in terms of friendship or between each other.

I didn't went to Geraldine's open house, sorry if i lied to any of you, but being sick was just an excuse, i was still able to go regardless of it but i chose not to. I didn't felt as much guilt as i thought i would. 

I pondered of whether to go for a long time, the thought of going there was redundant was immense, even though it meant disappointing some people, especially the person who invited me. The opportunist and pessimist in me started to ask questions.

The loneliness consumed me and i really didn't want to. 

I hate driving alone, especially long distances.The thought of going there just to attend it, seemed like it won't make me any happier, at the time of deciding i already felt empty, going there would probably make it even worse. Everyone there has someone, either their loved ones are there, or they have close friends at there. I can't even fit in with friends i known longer. i just don't belong with Year 2 friends.

If possible, pass this on to Geraldine for me, i apologize for not informing her. and i'm sorry if i disappointed anyone who was expecting me to come, i just couldn't come with a frown in my heart.

Readers, you probably wouldn't understand why i over think about feelings, not even i, myself can comprehend  about it.

Sometimes, no, all the time my feelings get fired up for tiny bit of reasons.

Controlling it from the outside is easy, mentally, it's near impossible.

I guess from scientific point of view, feelings are much more of a subconsciousness, so it's not possible to control feelings, same as trying to control the pumping of your blood from the heart.

Hmm, if i can think like rationally, probably means i'm feeling better than what is expressed in previous posts.

I would say don't mind me but heck do i know who is, yeah using blog as a method of expressing is the same as thinking out loud with people listening to you, not in the sense "loud" but mumbling to yourself kind of thinking, you know someone heard you but you don't know if that person had really cared. Believing is just a form of self-comforting, something that you think is fact but without prove of it's existence.

I just like to be as honest as possible here for i want people to learn my true side of me. Not a lot of people know me, only a few people are close to me, so even less would understand me. Through blogging, i hope that changes something, even without a doubt, after reading it, the interactions between me and you remains unchanged, but what definitely changes is the way you think about me.

Stating that "nobody understands me" is wrong too because i don't let people understand, in terms of when it's not here. It is also not true to say i'm the quiet type, i'm merely being selective when it comes to conversations, i'd only talk if i have something to add or correct. When i don't talk, it means i am either uninterested or unable to get into the conversation. But either way, i spend more time observing and commenting it to myself, or i would just suddenly doze off and think of something entirely different, in other words daydream or fantasize about something.

However, it is a habit i understand yet i dislike it so much. I would say that i want people to understand me but more than that, i want to understand other people. With such habit, it's unlikely to happen, unless someone like Junior comes around, i would only know my friends.

In the sense that i know only the surface of them, but the surface can tell a lot about a person, even personalities. But what you can't tell is after that, deep thoughts and feelings. Somehow with friends, i could never go any deeper without putting any effort in real life. There's a point in time i thought friends that have read my blog, would basically get closer, bond as i would continuously state. Reality never really works with what you think reality should work like, that would be a fictional world.

Though i wouldn't guarantee how much people will understand about me after reading my blog, because the few of them would never talk about it, probably it's because it's sensitive, or more likely it's weird to suddenly talk to each other about something like this when we never actually spoken much. But i definitely know how deep i'm writing, throughout my posts, i only wrote as deep as to my general thoughts and feelings, except for that one period of time, i would never write about more intimate feelings for someone directly, because again it's creepy, but if it was a girl who wrote like that, nah i guess it's fine. There's also my family background i don't write too deep about or comment on, hey, i just respect my family and would never dishonour it.

Then again, as far as the blogs i have followed, nobody has truly written about themselves. Please forgive me for having to say this but i generally don't read what happens to you, what trip you went to, where did you go shopping, what movie you watched, opinions of news and worshipping celebrities... and a bunch more general stuff. As i said before, this are things you would be able to tell if somebody asks you in real life. Unless you want to promote something, it's a whole different purpose of your blog and it's entirely fine with whatever you have posted. 

i generally think blogs are like journals which you talk about something special, no? I guess blogs are a place for most people to dump their crap in it.

What i do read about are serious or unique or special occurrences, things that don't usually happen, things that happens once in a lifetime, things that you that will either make you so happy that you cried or things that make you so sad, you emo all day long.

The other thing i find to be even rare would be my style of writing, just among the blogs i follow, when they post about feelings or thoughts, it's most likely really conspicuous or confusing because you don't want to be direct but rather, you want to be as indirect as possible that anyone reading won't know what's going on. Basically i just skip it when i read something like, but most of the blog posts aren't as long as mine so i tend to finish them in a couple minutes. I'm complaining, but doesn't mean you have to change and more direct in your post, i understand that people can't be too open about themselves, so being conspicuous is natural, you only want release it into words. I can't say i'm open because there are still things i keep to myself, although the things i still keep are just impossible to say. I can pretty much say without being too direct that, some of the blogs i follow, i would rarely look into, and judging from what i have said, you know who it is when i'm saying, mainly everyone.

The point is that, with all said, although i would know what's happening, i'm unable to understand anyone any better with such posts. More or less, when you update your blog, it just indicates your still living your life, that's all. In a way, this a selfish view point, mostly likely it's only me who's complaining. So don't mind me, not being sarcastic but there are other's who really are interested in what you like and dislike, what you were eating or where you were going because there are people who misses you and wants to know how you are doing. I'm just being lazy because i try to understand you here rather than trying to understand you real life.

It doesn't suck, it's just somehow boring.

I'm probably just denying my life is exciting, if viewed from an optimist.

Well, not like i want it to be this dull and lonely, there is a never a time i wish i could be a kid again.
It would be nice to feel that pure happiness again.

The dull part of my life would be knowing most of the general knowledge in life and not being surprised by things in life. Normally, thinking ahead is a good thing, but it makes things boring, everything people do, there's only a few things to expect, it feels like i covered every results of it.
Virtually, i have thought of everything an average teenager would be able to and have prepared for anything that i may have to face. It feels like the only thing i'm looking forward to is growing up; the things i'm doing now, feels only necessary, i don't gain any excitement or pleasure in it anymore.

In the next 5 years, a relationship, won't work, but i can see that i will constantly feel empty, yet i can never do a thing about it and will really care less about trying to fill it with something. Until i see a future between "us", it's not gonna happen, no matter how lovely it can be, no effort put into love, means it's not true, no matter how much a person verbally says it.

Friends, i can't say much, i haven't spend any quality time with anyone besides my family during this semester. Or more truthfully, i just didn't try to contact any of them, they have their lives, they have their closer friends, even more truthfully, i didn't even take any steps to get closer with them. When confronted with my issues, it just gets uncomfortable and i avoid it or pretend i'm alright. Why, it would be i don't like when and where it was confronted, in real life, nobody really notices about you until you care for someone first or just confess it randomly. It's not like in the movies where suddenly your in a cool and nice place, and you start talking to each other personally, that only happens in movies. I confess, previously i had always believed this kind of talks happen naturally without any given effort for it to happen, to think how naive i am still to this time.

I'm just feeling bored and pissed about myself, all my problems have always been self-made but i insist that it's not my fault, i have always been subconsciously lazy about my social life i guess, as i have always been, a lazy pig.

Meh, i know it's late but, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year anyways.

Super late... [November 2010 Summary]

Yeah, actually the reason for it was that i made an assumption aka "an ass out you and me" that i had done my 11th month summary. Which after checking confirmed my carelessness.

I apologize, haven't got a time to settle down, still not yet though.
There's a lot of things at the back of my head now, always conflicting.
There's also abundance of road blocks in my life i have to deal with too, i'm only able to say that i have an assignment to rush, the others would probably sound excuses and do not form the main issue at hand i guess.

Recently, what can i say? Things are pretty, "meh", right now, which is why there hasn't been much blog activity except random stuff i keep posting, ie the "cover" for David Choi's song, that was PRETTY random since i did it when i was about to do research on my criminal assignment.

Have i encountered anything interesting in particular? Not much, mmm, really not much ever since 21st of Nov. past. Started to randomly watch animes/mangas, finished this anime called Trinity Blood, maybe i haven't read the manga but because the author for it died before making another season of it, the anime is sadly cancelled, however the manga is still continued by another person which i'm planning to start watching it when darn series finishes, because i hate it if i end up having to chase it every period of time when it gets released. The concept was, vampires and humans co-existing and artificial vampires that eat vampires for breakfast. The story could've been expressed better in the anime, half of the season was side stories and little about the main story or main background of it, most of that was only told at the very last episodes, some of the side stories are nice, yet the style seem to be used before, i'm just saying.

Anyhow other than that, the social life hasn't progress any further i guess, with the studies and holidays and my anti-social skills(yeah avoiding contact is one of my "expertises"). And again, just admitting my laziness to socialize; without the camera-stalking me, i'm really really really just that average joe at college, without it... yeeaaah i pretty much get ignored by my friends most of the time, just saying, every choice has it's benefits and it's losses i guess.

Without further a due...

My November 2010 Summary

1.Worked for prom.
2. Practised dance for prom
3. Sprained my knee for the second time during practice, yeah i didn't tell anyone.
4.Acted for prom.
5. Helped at the prom set up.
6. Had one of my dreams come true, performed on a stage in front of an audience.
7. First time put make up, really irritating when put on eyes, by a girl, continuously used hands, really uncomfortable.
8. Looked awesome during the prom.
9. Loved the dresses the girls wore that time.
10. Sent back a girl and went home reallll tired.
11. Criticisms and happenings related to prom.
12. gave kopi money to corrupted cop, which makes me corrupted too.
13. got slightly hit by a car at the back.
14. painted two drones.
15. watched RG Veda & Trinity Blood.
16. tried to claim expenses made for prom, from Mr. William, two times, failed so far.
17. one last gathering with Prom Committee at KLCC's Dessert's Bar, haven't seen most of them since then.

What was i thinking?

Yes, i did something stupid, again.
You are being warned that the singing would hurt your ears. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.



I hope you enjoy it :)

It would be wrong for me to say....

Trying to learn this simple song at the moment. Hope i'll master it.

Artist: David Choi
Song: That Girl

Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/davidchoimusic
Youtube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lnio-pqLPgg

This is from the up and coming artist David Choi.
The tuning for this song is EADGBD, which means you have to re tune the 1st string down
whole tone (or two semitones). The most of the chords follow the basic structure though
have been slightly modified.

Chords Used:

d |-------------------------------------------1-------|
B |--1-------------------1------1-----2---4---1-------|
G |-----------2-----------------2-------------2---4---|
D |--2------------2------2------------2-----------4---|
A |---------------2-----------------------------------|
E |------3----2----------3------2---------3-------3---|
    Am7  G  F#m  Em  G/Am7    F#m*   A7  C2  F   C


Verse
Am7     G               F#m
Oh tonight I'm feeling fine
                G
I'm alone just wasting time
          F#m            Em
no Friday movie nights or romantic candlelights

Verse
Am7 G           F#m
I'm just having conversations
                   G
with the thoughts in my head
           F#m
all I hear are angels crying
   Em
oh won't they just sing instead

Am7 (hold--------------)    Am7
It would be wrong for me to say

Pre-Chorus
G           F#m       Em
I don't need that girl by my side
                       Am7
I don't need that girl in my life
                    G/Am7
I don't want to talk it out
         F#m*
or hold her when she cries

Chorus
G      F#m         Em
I don't want to say she's my kind
                          Am7
I don't want to say that she's mine
             G/Am7
I don't want to tell her
     F#m*
that I love her more than life
                C2      F#m Em
more than life,  yehhhhhhhhhhhh
                        C2      F#m    Em
love her more than life, yehhhhhhhhhhhh

Verse
Am7        G         F#m
Honestly, this won't do

how is she doing?
G              F#m
I tell myself I'm feeling swell
    Em
but I know I'm such a fool

Verse
Am7            G   F#m
I'll just take it as a new beginning
                          G
but you know I don't feel that way
(break----------------)         A7
who will take all this pain away?

Am7 (hold--------------)       Am7
I know it's wrong for me to say

Pre-Chorus
G           F#m       Em
I don't need that girl by my side
                       Am7
I don't need that girl in my life
                    G/Am7
I don't want to talk it out
         F#m*
or hold her when she cries

Chorus
G      F#m         Em
I don't want to say she's my kind
                          Am7
I don't want to say that she's mine
             G/Am7
I don't want to tell her
     F#m*
that I love her more than life
                C2      F#m Em
more than life,  yehhhhhhhhhhhh
                        C2      F#m    Em
love her more than life, yehhhhhhhhhhhh

Bridge
Am7
Talk about a sin
F                              C   Em
was the day I walked into the other side
Am7  (break-----)   F
I would run back in
(break-------) C Em
I wouldn't waste no time

Am7 (hold--------------)     Am7
I know it's wrong for me to say

Pre-Chorus
G           F#m       Em
I don't need that girl by my side
                       Am7
I don't need that girl in my life
                    G/Am7
I don't want to talk it out
         F#m*
or hold her when she cries

Chorus
G      F#m         Em
I don't want to say she's my kind
                          Am7
I don't want to say that she's mine
             G/Am7
I don't want to tell her
     F#m*
that I love her more than life
                C2      F#m Em
more than life,  yehhhhhhhhhhhh
                        C2      F#m    Em
love her more than life, yehhhhhhhhhhhh

Infinite Light [Short Poem]

If there was a time i stop complaining, it's probably now.
Have i given up the fight, or i realized it wasn't worth it.
I just don't seem to get worked up about my feelings,
I just let my life move as it wishes.

Light flickering from a candle,

It gave me sight,

it showed me the colours of the world.

Grey chains that bound me,

shackle and rust ever so naturally.

Red roses blossom as you came,

but slowly wilt as you left.

Spread my broken wings,

and embrace the blue sky.

Warm yourself in a bed of black snow,

and wait for the white wedding bell to chime.

Because you shall be blessed,

with her infinite light. 

Blue Christmas

I always have looked forward to Christmas for some reason,

though it's always the time of the year my heart aches the most,

because it's the last time i truly had fun with my old friends,

it's also the time i said goodbye to my old-long crush, before new year.

it reminded me of the movie Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey,

which i cried because it emphasized the importance of loving and sharing.

Compare to CNY, this was just filled with emotional crap in it.

Annoying isn't it? Because almost everyday i complain and criticize about my status?

well i have to apologize, this is uncontrollable, i'm that sensitive about myself no matter how i rationalize it.

In fact the more i rationalize, the more my heart tries to fight back by stopping for a few virtual moments.

self-centred and crazy as i would described myself, i subconsciously believe love should be given to me,

yet i know to be loved, you must work to earn it.

Hypocritical of me? yes, bite me.

Heart: Who cares, i want her to love me without me doing anything.

Mind: Keep on dreaming.

Heart: I will but i'll also constantly annoy you until you break and let me do things my way, LIKE LAST TIME. *Evil laughter*

Mind: Over my dead body.

[READ THE WORDS BELOW FASTER]

I seriously hope that doesn't happen, AGAIN, because it's dumb and never works and also it's really creepy if the girl has no firetrucking interest in you. Seriously, just ask me about it, it'll creep you out too.

Yeeeahh, if you know me in person and read my blog,

you probably think i have a split personality or something,

well, i don't, not exactly, because this is virtual, the internet,

i can do whatever i want, no one real is gonna punch me,

probably only when we meet in real life but that's not the point,

the point is i'm emo but not that kind of emo emo,

just emotional and selfish.

Seriously, sometimes when i read back my blog, 

i want to kick my own ass for being such a whiner.

But whatever that has been said and done,

i'm still the same guy who's like a robot,

which only responds when it is interacted with.

Completely oblivious of whatever i wrote in my blog,

i never mention about my feelings unless forced to,

you know who you are, the one who used the force on me,

not that i don't like it but,

seriously awkward being my "blog self",

i felt defenceless, in other words, i felt like i wasn't wearing any clothes,

metaphorically.

Good thing it only happens when someone actually wants to talk to me,

and about me, not "for the sake of being polite" kind of talk,

screw those kinds of talks although it is still necessary nonetheless.

So. it's a good thing, it's a good thing.

Really.

Yeah, i'm kinda lonely and i need someone, 

someone whose female, shorter than me, has a funny personality, 
interested in geeky stuff, preferably good looking, likes guys like me(a loser), 
yeah i'm indicating you, imaginary friend. 

not the guys of course, screw you guys.

nah i kid,

but seriously guys, i don't need you in that way.

LIKE ME IN MA FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!

Smile though your heart is aching.

I know i've posted another version of this song, but this one is going to be my favourite version.

Update on my situation.

There isn't much going on after that night, have started to constantly feed my brain more knowledge. With the sudden extra time for me to spent, i guess i became a bit nerdy, no invitations from my friends to go out or anything in which it has given me an ample of time for myself.

No lies, but of course i like having company but being an introvert, it's nice to have time to enjoy with myself, such as in terms of studying, i choose to stay at home to study or avoid meeting friends in college if i arrive earlier than the time i should attend class. Reasons would be, the guilt of which i spent more time on the prom planning rather than my studies and i still am, no matter how hard i'm going to study, there are people who would study even harder, no offence but it kinda pisses me although at the same time motivates me to increase my effort significantly.

Anyways, to be honest, i think i have more ways to enjoy life with myself than with friends, the fact that if you want to do something with friends, you have take into consideration a lot of things i guess, like if they are going to be free, interested in it, or important and also one would have to do the planning too. I find myself, not really knowledgeable about my friends schedules and interests, which has constantly causing me to fail at planning anything for a group of friends that is larger than two people. Another a way to look at though, it probably means i'm not sociable or persuasive enough to be a leader i guess. Anyway, because of that, i appreciate the rare occasions i get to spent together with you. It's quite irritating when you know someone in that group doesn't appreciate it as much as you do but i have to stand at their side and think too, not everyone gives more than a dime about my feelings and concerns. 

I wonder if an ant would be successful inviting its elephant friends for an event it has planned for them. That's how i honestly think the influence i can make around my friends, not one bit. Yeah, i'm kinda implying the failed picnic thing i tried to plan during the holidays, my day would be ruined if not for an alternative plan was introduced, the "cola biscuit" thing at Kim's condo.

Enough about that though, life isn't so bad when i still can enjoy it with myself, things like dancing, painting, photographing, wargaming, photoshopping etc etc. I put wargaming inside because on more occasions i play with strangers rather than with friends but it's nice playing with all kinds of people. Been a long time since the last time i had an exciting battle. Oh, one last thing i enjoy doing would be blogging i guess, recently with the extra midnight time, i have been able to blog almost daily, it's nice writing just about anything that comes into mind, whether it's going to be sad or happy, i throw it all in here. It shows that i have been keeping quite a lot in my mind about the things in my life.

Love... hmm, truthfully, i'm uncertain of what it is nowadays, i can say i can control it but at the same time it's addicting, maybe because they are both separate issues. For once i can say that i'm able to control my feelings for someone, mainly because i have more important things to take care of and when think about having to add a girlfriend into the picture is going to seriously affect my life and my studies; the other reason would be i'm carefully observing and understanding what i want in that person, it would be detrimental for me if i don't listen to myself for once and when i have, it seems i wish for someone suitable, in the sense that i wish her to be in equal standing with me, the perfect average match for me. In the eyes of female readers, i guess i'm out of my league, which is why i choose not to be hasty, by such justification, i can control my emotions, only when she also meets her expectations in me, shall i look at myself without feeling unworthy for anyone.

Poetics aside, there's still always that lingering addiction of loving someone, it is embarrassing and weird to say that, i find happiness in thinking someone i would look forward to meeting. It is impossible to put into words without having it sound inappropriate but that's the way how i go through my days without feeling lonely or in other words, in absence of knowing of being loved. My problem would be that i subconsciously keep on crushing on people. It's kinda painful to me when my brain is always doing the opposite of what my heart wants to do, basically it's anything i do that intentionally will be to ignore or be cold to her.

Anyhow, i don't have anything concrete about anyone in particular, as direct as you want, you can say i'm just in denial or obviously a loser but that's how i deal with love. If girls would never shows signs of interest, neither would i, in person of course. But the good thing about it, is that it naturally prevents me from getting into a relationship, prima facie. Just to let anyone know, nobody can convince me otherwise unless a miracle happens perhaps, and miracles rarely happen.

This is Jake, letting you know that my heart's still beating, but it's flying all over the place.

I'm the watcher.

It's probably the time i ask myself this question,

where do i exactly belong in?
I pondered this problem most today (1-12-2010)

it's quite ill-mannered as i did most of the thinking when people around me were talking, sorry. But i guess too be truthful, i often wander deep into my mind which is why i constantly tell myself to get back to what's in front of me. It's usually when i drive or listening to lectures, though it's quite dangerous if i drift away too much when i drive, usually results in almost knocking someone from behind or hitting the dividers. You can say, everyday for me is always about my life and death when i drive, but i'm trying hard not to die because i still have so many things in life to look forward, well, that's life, you always have to risk something to get what you want.

Enough about that, getting sidetracked again, anyhow, although i have friends and family, there's always this problem of fitting in. It's probably not really clear when i just categorize one big group my friends but inevitably, a large group of friends will splinter off to smaller groups of friends which are certainly due to the closeness between each other. Well thanks to anyone if they think i'm considered in their group but honestly, even though, i still don't fit in.

It's nothing new, but it's something i think i have to accept now, or never. Because of my silent nature, i seem to really just watch over people, doesn't make a difference if i was with another group of people. Perhaps the most probable reason would be, i don't have alot of things in common to talk about. Either if it was a bunch of guys or with a group of girls, most of the time spent would be just watching them talk, maybe occasionally throw in a joke or two in their conversations to remind them i still exist.

I do not blame other people, in fact i appreciate the fact they welcome me in their group. I know a few would agree to me, the feeling of being left out is always there. But then again, in my case, i really should accept it's my way of life, that's who i am which quite frankly, i don't mind it as much as when i was still in secondary school. All that conviction in trying to fit in, it's not needed.

I'm the guy that will listen intently at what you talk.
I'm the guy that is always observing you,
trying to tell what you are actually feeling through the expressions of your face,
trying to give reason behind that emotion,
so that i can better understand you, even without words,
so that i can understand what you are going through.

Even it may not be slightly right, but i think i am similar to the average person, because they hide their emotions, their motives, their secrets, even if they were to talk more often than most people, there are things you will never say out at the point of time;

but that sudden stop in a sentence,
that quicker and a higher pitched response,
that slight brush of your hair,
that tilt of your head downwards,

it tells more than what you are consciously willing to tell a person.
When a persons emotions are strong, it's not hard to miss if i looked his at face a bit longer.
It's quite obvious actually, even when a person shows no emotion, usually means they are holding it back so hard that they are unable to fake their expressions without exposing what they truly feel.

But all in all, i'm just saying although i may not talk much, i still care about the people around  me, even if they are reluctant to talk about it. Ironically enough, i'm just the same as you are, but i guess i have a hard time hiding my feelings through words, probably because i seldom lie when i DO talk with someone. The usual stutter and reluctant response to a question is usually a dead give away. However, what's there to hide from when a person can go through here and read everything that is quite sensitive about me.

Frankly speaking, i don't have close friends that stick with me forever, that's the reality of my life i guess, but i guess having friends is already enough.

Bros before Hos, i still stand upon it, but i don't have anyone else to support it with me i guess. Quite sad actually but what the heck. Look at the bright side, i will forever and always have myself, and i will never leave myself behind for another college, another group of friends, another girl or another life.

Me: You promise?
Me: I promise :D
Me:  i love you, bro.
Me:  love you too.

Teshima Aoi - Hikari

If there was a manga or anime for this, i'd definitely watch it.

>

There's always one darker day in every week.

Well, guess what, got my first stop from a cop. Where? at college, yeap pretty sure for most people, it's the DBKL officers they encounter. Not me, i was so lucky that a corrupted cop was at the junction, hurray. I'm not even sure if i should be glad about the fact he was corrupted so i don't need to get a summon or pissed about it since among my friends, i was the only one who got caught.

Basically i just went straight through the junction, you know the place where there's blocks of yellow and black striped things to prevent people from going straight bla bla bla. Anyways, he was in front of me and i paid him frigging 30 bucks, didn't really care to bargain because i was really pissed. But to be honest though, if i were to follow the "right way", i think i'd have to make detour to get to the parking area under the Tun Sambathan Monorail Station, a really really long detour.

I didn't plan on telling about this besides my parents, surprisingly enough they didn't scold me badly about it, probably because they could tell how i felt just by looking at my pissed off face. Anyhow i don't want people to worry about me that's all, simply because it's not a big deal and i believe i should be able to handle my stupid mistakes.

Did thought about driving through the guy after i parked my car beside the streets and paid RM1.10 which was suppose to be what i could've just spent. But i guess it's not worth getting into jail just to kill a corrupted cop. Now before you go "gasp! Jake's so violent", i have to tell you they are just thoughts, it'll never reflect the real me in reality. But i have to say, who doesn't have this kind of thoughts every once in a while. For example, you might feel so angry you just want to pull out something and throw it at that person or punch him senselessly.

The violent side of me, well i don't think it has ever resurfaced after Form 2. Yeah, i was kind of a bully before that but i guess i was immoral; plainly speaking i haven't truly learned how to be a good person. More or less anger controlled my actions, i was ill tempered. Before i say any further, note that i'm just talking my past. Anyways, i acted this way because it was fun and felt rewarding; beating someone up because they call names, make fun of you, didn't accept your opinions.. that's probably half of the reason i have "fun-friends" because i liked to play rough. There wasn't exactly any real fight but when it happens, you feel that sudden rage, that thrill, the adrenaline pumping into your heart. At those circumstances, if it was a chasing game, the only thing you want to do is catch that guy and just bring the person down to the floor, proving you were better, the violent way. It may be child play but the feeling of pride and satisfaction wasn't.

Probably one of the reasons why i don't have any primary school friends that wanted to contact me, well, that time i thought those were my friends, didn't really take into account people didn't like getting bullied. Even my closest friend who i had been with together for the whole 6 years, didn't want to talk to me, after so many years i found him through Facebook. Heh, who knows, i'm probably the few people in Malaysia who doesn't have primary or secondary school friends. As far as i am concerned, i only regretted about avoiding my secondary school friends as i would have tons of fun going here and there. However, it's not "real" fun because it seemed like the fun only required "bodies" to have with but no "soul" was needed.

It sounds sad but i guess i was ignorant about it when i was together with them until the very last few outings, so i probably only felt left out for a while. "Only a few outings and you ditched them forever?" Yeah, try and sit together with a bunch of people and seeing the persons sitting beside you talking to someone else AND not just once but several occasions. So me being the quiet one should always remain silent, isn't it?

*deep breath* anyways, after Form 3 i learned not to use my fists to do the talking, because it never truly worked to solve problems. But i was still ill-tempered at home, get a bit annoyed and i'll ape-shit and break into an argument. I only realized i had anger problems when i started to go to college, even though my mum constantly told me i am easily angered, which of course i was in denial. Things like this you just have to realize and deal with it yourself, nobody helped me with controlling my anger, i just constantly calm myself in my mind.

Well, that'll only suppress at the time, doesn't stop me from being pissed, as in effected emotionally about it. So where do i release all this steam kept in my mind? Best would be talk about it to a girl, because guys don't listen, but most of the time there won't be one suitable and available, probably people around me assume i'm not sensitive, but a serious person judging from my attitude in the real world. The next best solution would be here, only for the more emotional stuff though, minor stuffs that annoy me would probably end up in Twitter or Facebook only.

Have to be honest though, times like this, i will always want someone special sitting beside me. I would define this feeling as being lost and in need of someone to support you. Well, after sometime i would shrug it off, stare seriously into the distant, and get back up from where i fell. I just have to tell myself, "those wishes can only come true when you're asleep, you have bigger things to worry about."

Though to elaborate my point even further, yes, being single isn't detrimental, prime example would be Kimberley, though i could suggest she's an exception to the general rule. The high level of intelligence, confidence, stamina, charisma, and loving family & friends; there's very little room for that extra person in her life. People like me, i guess i'm the average joe, typically the person that doesn't have most of the things they are good at and have empty spaces that i need someone to fill in. I don't much to judge about Kim but,  probably no one would like to have someone like me that is just average or maybe lower than average. I'm being really honest, i know who i am and where do i stand among others. It's not like i always feel lonely, i have friends and family that care about me but sad times like this, it's inevitable.

"Life's more than just love bla bla bla", yeah yeah, you may say otherwise and be positive about it but that's how i view singles go through their lives, it's only the level of "loneliness" which vary from one person to another, it doesn't change the fact that it DOES happen. I'm not saying this to demotivate the "single" readers but to simply see the reality of it. Of course, i could be well wrong about my opinions and views, there are people who stay single for the rest of their lives and they seem to be okay with it. Just saying, i'm not trying to generalise singles but to say out what i see and what i feel. Emotionally, i just think loving that someone takes first priority over everything else. Rationally, no, life's aims are too important to risk falling in love. Which will triumph, emotions or rationality? i can never be certain of the future, so here's funny pic just for fun.

FOREVER ALONE hahaha, just kidding, keep believing in yourselves, peeps.