Some things never change [My May Summary]

[Off Topic] Ok have to make this quick, exams are a only tomorrow away from now and i'm not even at half way with my revisions. But after Wednesday, my whole life will seem to have broken free from and enclosed barrier of gloom and despair, lots of things i want to do are ahead of me and well at looking past my self inflicted emotions and start anew.

Another months passing is but of a 1/12 of a year had passed and only a tiny part of my life had been ended, yet things can change dramatically even in a period of one second. If i would compare my stress level between May and April, i think it's more higher but more specific in nature, mainly because of the coming examination but on the contrary, i'm more particularly stressed over social problems. That's the thing of my past though if anyone's reading this emo-ish blog are concerned, yeap, i recover easily, why? I'm emotional but i'm still a guy, nuff' said. Regardless, with all that misery going on i still find times to enjoy myself, life's not all bad, you know.

Here's the summarised list of what i've done this month, little that is productive.

May Summary

1. I watched great movie - Gran Torino(Recommended)
2. I was a cameraman for my brother on the day his registration in marriage.
3. I'm beginning to do sit ups and pumping whenever i can.
4. I played only a few games this month which is a surprise for me.
5. I am pretty screwed up in college(Anti-social + insensitive)
6. I pathetically confessed about my love which made me do 5.
7. I only memorized cases for my exam.
8. I became a fan of Perfume(See video post below, recommeded)
9. I became a music searching program for Kim's weird mixed taste of music.
10. I built some miniature models with some that i share with Marcus and Junior, waiting for more.
11. I first time slept for 12 hours and haven't eaten for 15 hours.
12. I first time studied for more than 10 hours outside of my home with a few others.
13. I ate at Las Vacas with two older brothers, yummmmy.
14. I first time studied alone at a cafe called Kitchen Creatures(thanks to Marcus) for just measly 3 hours.
15. I'm growing my hair to shoulder length.
16. I saved a fly that was drowning in my Old Town Enriched Chocolate drink.

Well, i think i just saved the trouble for you of having to read boring emphasizes of each things i did this month. Saves me the trouble of having to put time-wasting daily routine posts which i think you and i don't really give a damn why i said Kim has weird mixed taste of music, why i gotta thanks Marcus or why i saved a frigging fly, riiiiiight?

There's things i'm proud to do, that confession of mine, i'm proud of it, it clears the air for me if not for both of us, it destroys any suspicions anyone that is having. And it seems, there's not much of a difference afterwards, it's just deep feeling, though for normal teenagers that has no balls, it would probably kill themselves if they did it. What's my state of my mind now? Do i still want to find love? For the first question, yes i'm fine, again, because i'n not a kid anymore. As for the second question, i would be delightful to say yes, in a way, i became casual with it. I'll just reach for any girl right now, not to sound like a player of course but, it's because i don't want to have a clinging feeling on people thats all. So, be casual about love then, what's wrong with eating eye candies and liking every girl you think you're interested in. Sounds a lot more fun then having to like only one.

In the end though, not to contradict myself, but one day, one day i'll accept back that clinging feeling for a girl, and when that time comes, i'm going all out for her.

PS: Anyone trying to be busy body and ask me about this, i'll of course ignore you, but you're someone i'm not close with is asking me about this, just remember what i'm thinking when you ask about it, i would think:

"So? Why is this your business?" *The rest would be harshly cursing at you to go away*

Just remember that when you ask about this :)

Perfume - Computer City

Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta rakuen de
Hitotsu dake uso janai aishiteru

Doushite nee computer konna ni kurushii no
A-- doushite okashi no computer city

Kumo to kumo no aida wo tsuki nukete
Daremo mita koto no nai basho he
Yume no naka de egaite ita basho he
Arifureta speed wo koete

Mou sugu kawaru yo sekai ga
Mou sugu bokura no nani ka ga

Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta kono machi wo
Niige dashitai kowashinai
Shinjitsu wa aru no kana
Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta rakuen de
Hitotsu dake uso janai aishiteru

Doushite nee computer konna ni kurushii no
A-- doushite okashi no computer city

Zettai koshou da teyuuka arienai
Boku ga kimi no kotoba de nayamu hazuha nai

Kioku to kioku no aida ta dotte
Daremo mita koto no nai basho he
Yume no naka de egai te ita basho he
Arifureta speed wo koete

Mou sugu kawaru yo sekai ga
Mou sugu bokura no nani ka ga

Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta kono machi wo
Niige dashitai kowashinai
Shinjitsu wa aru no kana
Kanpeki na keisan de tsukurareta rakuen de
Hitotsu dake uso janai aishiteru

Doushite nee computer konna ni kurushii no
A-- doushite okashi no computer city

Zettai koshou da teyuuka arienai
Boku ga kimi no kotoba de nayamu hazuha nai

You'd feel useless, to only watch.

Looking at the people around me,
just looking at them,
how they'd work hard to live,
Looking back at myself,
just looking into the mirror,
What have i done,
to say i've done the same?


I had so many things in life supporting me,
I think i understand why Winnie said,
"The college has only been spoon feeding.."
But the i way i would interpret it to myself,
it wasn't only college that has been doing that,
my whole life's been like that.


Friends, family, teachers, lecturers.
I knew people were helping throughout my life, i was grateful but i didn't know i was helped in almost every situation i was in. No matter how little the assistance was helpful to me, no matter how unimportant it may look to me, everyone had took all kinds bullets for me and i took it for granted.


Most of the time i'd think about my current state; how lonely i am now, how it hurts to know love is hard to get; how i'd kept emphasizing true friendship, how i just kept quiet around friends and family, doing nothing to bond, waiting for someone to interact with me. People always took the initiative to help me, i would act independent, deep down i crave for it. I'm such a damn hypocrite.


i hate the fact that i'm being praised by people that was behind it, without them i would have fall, i deserve no praise when i can't even look at myself and i say i did good with a certain task. I'm lazy, that's a fact, not because i've studied constantly before exams, i've done nothing but only attending classes and i know for certain that's not enough. I'm not even sure what i'm good at, at this point of time, all that has happened had been either luck or through other people's assistance. The question now, how long is it going to last?


Exams starting next Tuesday, and i haven't sort through my mind, i will always be the "Thinker", sitting there just like that statue, thinking and doing nothing. Looking at stressed out hardworking students, everyone except me, still able to find the time, taking videos and pictures of them, writing this blog.


I'm mediocre in everything, including my life. I have trouble believing myself, i would be able to provide security to the person i would want to chase right now.I am no stupid yet i am no genius either, girls nowadays are smarter, more beautiful, more independent, what do they benefit by having a guy that's below average? I'm dependent on others, i'm no gentlemen, i do not have high determination to work or study, i'm insensitive, i'm slow, i'm not handsome, i'm overweight, i'm anti-social, i'm a guy with no balls. Sure i'm emo now, put if you view it realistically, i'm not wrong, in the real world, i'm a slob. Did i ever helped more than 5 people in my lifetime? Did i ever helped Marcus about doing something? Did i really helped Junior in his studies? Have i been cold to Lee Tat, Chew Teng, Elaine, Jo Ann, See Wei, Kean Hoe and others? Have i paid back my family for the things they gone through for me?


I felt useless around Marcus, more to just being a nuisance around him and requesting for things, same for when Junior asked my help, i'm no more knowledgeable than him before i take out the contract textbook to read it. I'd say i want to be more social with you all but i avoid conversations, doesn't matter if they were topics about casual things or just pure stupidity, i was being choosy about friends, i was selfish and ignorant of people's feelings, when was the last time i truly talk to Jo Ann, when was the last time i asked something about See Wei, did we ever go to more than just typical friends? Sometimes, i wish i was a girl, because it's impossible for me to talk to a girl deeply, without looking like i'm hitting on her or something. Now i regret it even more when exams had kept everyone on a tight leash.


I won't realize what an idiot i am until i walk out of college, how foolish i can be by missing out all those opportunities to change and repent, everyday i go through this cycle, maybe that's why every time i go back home i'd feel tired and would care less about tomorrow. I won't ask for your forgiveness or pity, because i brought it to myself and i haven't change anything about it, only realization.


PS: I will continue to be as open as possible with my blog because i hate hiding things between you and me, don't worry, it'll only be about facts of feelings and opinions from me about you. I won't spill any beans about somebody, only beans that are from me.

Gran Torino

Gran Torino Original Theme Song by Jamie Cullum and Clint Eastwood

[Sung By Clint Eastwood]

So tenderly your story is
nothing more than what you see
or what you've done or will become
standing strong do you belong
in your skin; just wondering

gentle now the tender breeze blows
whispers through my Gran Torino
whistling another tired song

engine hums and bitter dreams grow
heart locked in a Gran Torino
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long

[sung by Jamie Cullum]
Realign all the stars above my head
Warning signs travel far
I drink instead on my own Oh! how I've known
the battle scars and worn out beds

gentle now a tender breeze blows
whispers through a Gran Torino
whistling another tired song

engines hum and bitter dreams grow
heart locked in a Gran Torino
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long

these streets are old they shine
with the things I've known
and breaks through the trees
their sparkling

your world is nothing more than all the tiny things you've left behindFind More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

So tenderly your story is
nothing more than what you see
or what you've done or will become
standing strong do you belong
in your skin; just wondering

gentle now a tender breeze blows
whispers through the Gran Torino
whistling another tired song
engines hum and bitter dreams grow
a heart locked in a Gran Torino
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long

may I be so bold and stay
I need someone to hold
that shudders my skin
their sparkling

your world is nothing more than all the tiny things you've left behind

so realign all the stars above my head
warning signs travel far
i drink instead on my own oh how ive known
the battle scars and worn out beds

gentle now a tender breeze blows
whispers through the Gran Torino
whistling another tired song
engines hum and better dreams grow
heart locked in a Gran Torino
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long
it beats a lonely rhythm all night long

You, are, the only exception.

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now

Too many things to say, too little attention to give. This is a crush i should’ve stopped months ago. Sorry.

Off topic: Seems like the only time i have blogged is mostly in a KTM train,it probably is awkward to blog when there’s total strangers beside you, but there’s also that cool feeling you get when you do something out of the ordinary. The truth about a silly thing is that it was the first time i saw the “women only” cart, not much diifference, just that it’s not as packed as the one i mean now, hahah.


Anyhow, the bloggers i’m following are not that active as compared a few months back, how have you all been? No more or less ambiguous or arbitrary posts to write? No offence but i do think about how you all would write as blogs are not really means to express fully about oneself and others. But like how i can just say i’m in love with a certain in college, in our group but she’s still clueless; not much of thought put into it right? Note, no matter what i said, i’d always disclose the person i’m talking about, as necessary as laws in our country are, people’s pride and privacy should always be important to one’s identity and security in life.

Nevertheless, i would still continue to be a free as i can as i cannot be as free as in the real world. As Marcus once told me, the virtual life’s but a reflection of the real one, albeit less truthful. Which meant that lie in this post would be the guts to tell it in the real world, which i would only do it here. Anyways, now to talk about certain bloggers type of writing, which in any case, i would say who it is not because i don’t want to say who it is but because not everyone is always fixed on a specific writing style.


Ok, for the first one, i would just want to talk about everyday life routine posts, more or less they are just about one of the bloggers event in her life etc, a shopping spree to the nearby mall, a karaoke session with friends, the music i heard, the korean boy bands, slutty singing artists and the usual “what i ate that day” and finally ends with a “what a wonderful day”. Now, as you can see, by following this way of posting, a reader most likely 1. Read through all of it the first time and then subsequently just look at the pictures(if there are any) if you would continuously to write daily life routines. There’s no option 2 unless the reader is a super stalker or fan of yours, the answer is still no.


To summarize the reason for posting the above style of blogging, my opinion would be 1. You think it was really a special day for you which readers usually don’t really agree with that thought. 2. You just want to tell it to yourself or record it down in your virtual journal, not really caring who reads it. 3. You know it annoys readers because they want to know more about you and not about what shopping or singing karaoke is like. I mostly would agree to the two latter views, because i would either feel irritated or do it myself. Hey, freedom of speech, eh? Piece of advice, whenever you want to write something like this, first you have to grab the attention of the reader to get caught in the trap of looking at random things about you, yeah write something that looks like you’re about to say something mind-blowing about yourself etc, ok i’m going to say it i have a crush with *** ****! and then just continue to write about Super Junior or something.


Anyways, a post about your day or the things you like won’t be as boring as i would have said it in the above way, one time in a month? depending on how frequent a person posts, i say you should not really post anything about your shopping spree, unless you bought a really sexy red dress or something, please don’t. Just looking at the title means that readers will usually just skim through.


Another type of blogging style is writing ambiguous or unclear stuffs about your feelings, more or less when a blogger writes about them would probably be when they are sad about something, he/she will only write how sad themselves are, never really knowing what’s the reason behind it. In a teen’s blog, you’d probably see loads of stuff how this guy never seem to get the girl he likes, same for girls. They will also continue on by asking themselves why they are sad although we can tell it’s because readers also don’t know since the blogger hasn’t written down anything clear about their problem.


At the end, you probably find yourself reading a post that makes no sense but only knowing it’s sad. The thing i can say is that it’s the opposite of writing about your daily life routines, that kind of posts have a lot of substance but nothing interesting, this one on the other hand, has a lot of attention grabbing lines but nothing solid to chew on.


As far as my experience in blogging and reading blogs, there always lie the privacy problem about blogging, you can never write 100% about something unless you want to break someone’s heart.make somebody avoid you or change the point of view about yourself. As many blogs as i have seen nothing is without something unmentioned in it. It takes a guy with some serious balls to confess about something and let it all out.

Truth is, the ultimate truth i’ve kept, one of the deepest darkest secret about the girl i have a crush on, she is Mei Quin. It’s probably a stupid thing to do, a reckless and shameful thing to say this, a pathetic and cheap way to confess; but i only had two choices, either hang there on the edge of the cliff, or just let go and fall to the ground below, it’s going to be painful but not as fatal as i would think. I see so little of you nowadays, yet those moments when we do, it’s saddening to not be able to talk to you when you are there. I don’t think i’m ready to sacrifice for you, the more i see you, the more i think about how pathetic i’m right now, i’d realize what a drop out in society i am and kept wanting to improve myself. All this time i have been dreaming, was but just a way to escape reality. I have to sacrifice for myself first, improve my physical appearance, improve my studies, improve my social skills, improve myself financially.


By the time i’ve done that, you’d probably find someone that’s much suited for you because what i shall do, is not for you but for myself. When the time comes it comes, now i just have to love myself..


























I really like you, i just don’t think i’m cut out for you or anyone right now.


Thanks for the support, people, but i got to stop running away, i got to wake up, move forward and grow up.

I have been keeping it ever since.

I've a secret to tell for sometime, well, i say it's a secret because i only haven't said one thing about it.

That's just something i've kept for quite sometime, i bought it from Sabah, at that point in time i was just crazy about a certain game which had this heart sign for the game's title. Supposively a necklace but subsequently i didn't wear it cause, well, it was sorta gay wearing a heart around your neck for no reason.

However, this thing is just too precious to throw away, in a way it's beautiful to me even though it may just be some piece of coloured metal. So i've kept it with me through all times ever since.

It's been more than a year i think, once in a while i take it out and have a look, wondering why do i still keep it even though i was not as interested in the game as before. To tell you the truth, i had another reason to keep it.

I wish to give it to someone,

someone i truly love and would sacrifice anything for. This heart is a symbol to that very love and sacrifice i would make for her, it's a symbol of the true love i'll find. Once i've looked at this heart, i'd always grasped it tightly in my hand before i put it back into my wallet.

Somehow though, whenever i'm interested in a girl or maybe in love with, i'd think about this heart and ask myself..

"Is this heart worth giving to you forever and ever for you to keep?"

I really hope it's you. I really want to make an effort for it to happen but i'm such a coward.

One more selfish reason ;\

I think i found myself another reason why i've been doing the series.


Sure i maybe doing it to be acknowledged as a friend. But after doing it for such a long time, it kinda grows on you.


What i've heard and i've seen have been totally different, to be honest i realize i'm not much of person noticing problems until people tell me about it. I'm quite clueless and helpless to the situations my friends are in, sad actually.


But it's actually not a bad thing from another point of view. I only see happiness in people, i can see some people are bad but not about their problems. Through the lens of my camera, that's what i've all been seeing, smiles, tired looks, blur looks.


I haven't taken a look that's sad.


That's why i think what i've doing is that i'm afraid the first times we met, the times we've been together, the first times we laugh together, the first time we played together; we'll forget and only remember what is happening now. I don't know why, have you truly forgotten what's important between us? Something so important that makes things like this ignorable, have you forgotten we were once good friends?


I don't know how many of you would do this but, try to look back at the episodes i've uploaded, the very times we thought we had something really special, a bond, true friendship. I've never given up hope or had been pretending we were hi-bye friends. We were good friends and STILL ARE. 


Can you really simply ignore this memories? This memories that i cherish so much, don't you reminisce it when such a time comes?


Nobody's perfect but nobody is unforgivable. Stop wondering why it had happen, start wondering why you were friends at the first place. I admit i have my own problems with some of you all, but that's hot air that hasn't been cooled down but by realizing it i'm able to slowly forgive you and myself for being pissed.


Forgive and forget, you have done it before, you can do it again. I really hope, by continuing the series, i'm able to at least make you realize that what i've captured, is happy times between friends and always, remember our bonds, are unbreakable even if you think you can.


There's always something we left behind in each others life, and that's friendship.