Not sure if this is temporary, but after finishing that final assignment, i mope a lot less now but deal them like an angry man, which forgets about it later after fuming. Would be dandy if this continues for several more weeks, maybe until after Christmas.
Cause you know, lot of holidays ahead and I don't want to spend time thinking about how I'm not celebrating them like I used to.
That whole buying an extension thing still angers me though. I'm still kinda pissed at the ones going for the prom but well, not just because they take the bait but they didn't ask me to go either. Haha, who is this 'they' I'm referring to? Last time I check, it has always been me. One thing I do notice is if I don't take any initiative, others rarely take it for me, good thing or bad thing? I don't really give a buck.
So after finishing this assignment, there's only the viva thing, not much to worry about, just have to say something then I'm occupying my time with study work. Much less stress than before but I get to do other stress free things like playing games and painting. Recently started drawing on my phone again, passes the time before class start, before that it pissed me off saving places for them until knowing they didn't come cause I could only wait. Slowly learning something with every drawing I do though but still takes about 30 minutes to an hour on that tiny screen.
Giving less care on Facebook, especially trying to find someone to chat, either the person is uninterested or has a boyfriend or is annoying or I'm the who's uninterested. Maybe because everybody talks there, nobody's really like me free from social life so it's likely you won't get any interesting chat from me.
The reality as it is, my silent nature attracts nothing there, people assume you're either a creep, loser or uninterested. I can be talkative but that's if someone wants me to be. Did I intentionally give everyone the silent treatment? No, because everyone is giving it to me. I guess I'm stuck in the virtual world because it is the only place aside from my very self, that understands. Kinda nerdy/loser talk but I guess that's someone's perception.
So far I have not seen anyone who is similar to me in terms of common interests, being understanding and having similar personalities. It's paradoxical, I want to be with friends but I have a mind that's totally going in the opposite direction. There are people that will pity me (I don't want that) and there are people who will avoid me when they see me in reality. But nobody has the time or capacity to truly understand me.
Your probably thinking, so you want people to understand you, but do you understand others?
F*CK yeah (sorry too much memes), this would seem like I'm bragging or whining but yeah, i'm trying to make a point.
I understand Marcus is 90% occupied by his commitment to his girlfriend and what other little time he can use for himself. That's why I rarely ask him to hangout or complain why he's so busy or why he comes to college late. That's why i tolerate all the stuff he says or when he's with his girlfriend. I don't expect him to do anything more for me any much as he has done.
This roughly applies mostly on Junior and Kean Hoe too because they have their problems and their busy life, do you expect them to give up time used for something more important and used it on me? I doubt it nor do I wish that from them.
It can also apply to everyone else but it really comes down to everyone's priority list. But the point is that I know what they are going through in life, so I hide in the shadows so to speak. However, it became to a point of no return, I get less and less importance because people forget. The vibe I get from everyone was that I was cold, I was annoying, I was emo but in the end the vibe I truly get is I was less than a friend and more of a stranger.
What I went through after the "Korean girl/boy bands fans drool over bodies but not their talent" comment was the turning point of everything. Though you can say I was full of myself, at that time I was making videos, planning hang outs, I thought I was still relevant. But it only takes the virtual slap in the face that you will never forget that your truly alone in this world.
That other slap was given by another girl, heck I thought she understood me and was interested in chatting with me. I'm not sure what mistake I had made but she made realise I was full of myself again in the end. Do I know what people are thinking? No. Do I know what people go through in their lives? Again, yes. But I guess she just told me people just generally don't understand what I go through. Seriously though when i realised that from her words, it was just like putting salt on a wound.
Then I didn't give a f*ck any more, she was my last beacon of hope in finding true friendship. The hope I only need here is that I keep staying alive until I stop standing. What interaction I have the people now, is that I only treat it as a necessity in life, I did whatever that makes me happy, whatever that doesn't, I just didn't care.
If people think I'm cold, annoying, emotional now. I will just be dead to them. Makes life a whole lot simple.
Cause you know, lot of holidays ahead and I don't want to spend time thinking about how I'm not celebrating them like I used to.
That whole buying an extension thing still angers me though. I'm still kinda pissed at the ones going for the prom but well, not just because they take the bait but they didn't ask me to go either. Haha, who is this 'they' I'm referring to? Last time I check, it has always been me. One thing I do notice is if I don't take any initiative, others rarely take it for me, good thing or bad thing? I don't really give a buck.
So after finishing this assignment, there's only the viva thing, not much to worry about, just have to say something then I'm occupying my time with study work. Much less stress than before but I get to do other stress free things like playing games and painting. Recently started drawing on my phone again, passes the time before class start, before that it pissed me off saving places for them until knowing they didn't come cause I could only wait. Slowly learning something with every drawing I do though but still takes about 30 minutes to an hour on that tiny screen.
Giving less care on Facebook, especially trying to find someone to chat, either the person is uninterested or has a boyfriend or is annoying or I'm the who's uninterested. Maybe because everybody talks there, nobody's really like me free from social life so it's likely you won't get any interesting chat from me.
The reality as it is, my silent nature attracts nothing there, people assume you're either a creep, loser or uninterested. I can be talkative but that's if someone wants me to be. Did I intentionally give everyone the silent treatment? No, because everyone is giving it to me. I guess I'm stuck in the virtual world because it is the only place aside from my very self, that understands. Kinda nerdy/loser talk but I guess that's someone's perception.
So far I have not seen anyone who is similar to me in terms of common interests, being understanding and having similar personalities. It's paradoxical, I want to be with friends but I have a mind that's totally going in the opposite direction. There are people that will pity me (I don't want that) and there are people who will avoid me when they see me in reality. But nobody has the time or capacity to truly understand me.
Your probably thinking, so you want people to understand you, but do you understand others?
F*CK yeah (sorry too much memes), this would seem like I'm bragging or whining but yeah, i'm trying to make a point.
I understand Marcus is 90% occupied by his commitment to his girlfriend and what other little time he can use for himself. That's why I rarely ask him to hangout or complain why he's so busy or why he comes to college late. That's why i tolerate all the stuff he says or when he's with his girlfriend. I don't expect him to do anything more for me any much as he has done.
This roughly applies mostly on Junior and Kean Hoe too because they have their problems and their busy life, do you expect them to give up time used for something more important and used it on me? I doubt it nor do I wish that from them.
It can also apply to everyone else but it really comes down to everyone's priority list. But the point is that I know what they are going through in life, so I hide in the shadows so to speak. However, it became to a point of no return, I get less and less importance because people forget. The vibe I get from everyone was that I was cold, I was annoying, I was emo but in the end the vibe I truly get is I was less than a friend and more of a stranger.
What I went through after the "Korean girl/boy bands fans drool over bodies but not their talent" comment was the turning point of everything. Though you can say I was full of myself, at that time I was making videos, planning hang outs, I thought I was still relevant. But it only takes the virtual slap in the face that you will never forget that your truly alone in this world.
That other slap was given by another girl, heck I thought she understood me and was interested in chatting with me. I'm not sure what mistake I had made but she made realise I was full of myself again in the end. Do I know what people are thinking? No. Do I know what people go through in their lives? Again, yes. But I guess she just told me people just generally don't understand what I go through. Seriously though when i realised that from her words, it was just like putting salt on a wound.
Then I didn't give a f*ck any more, she was my last beacon of hope in finding true friendship. The hope I only need here is that I keep staying alive until I stop standing. What interaction I have the people now, is that I only treat it as a necessity in life, I did whatever that makes me happy, whatever that doesn't, I just didn't care.
If people think I'm cold, annoying, emotional now. I will just be dead to them. Makes life a whole lot simple.
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