Can' remember or don't want to remember?

Hahahah, do you realise how far down "love" is on the list of things I can do?

Hilarious.

Given the way I've been living, it's a miracle that there are still friends that talk to me.

I wonder how quick it was the number of friends I have dwindled down since this year.

I don't even remember half of the things that had happened this year, the classes on my second year are as cloudy as my memories during secondary school years.

Did it passed so meaninglessly? Recalling it gives me a headache. Silly me, I have my blog. 

Though I'm not sure I want to remember.



In other news

Feeling better nowadays, mainly because I have other things to look forward.

I've bought a couple of shirts online, found out I like online shopping, most laziest shopping one can do. Let's hope I have enough for CNY.

The next best thing I look forward to, is getting my own bow. The archery club I joined had set up a trip to a place called Wolverhampton where a shop called BowSports to have us all get our own archery gear this Wednesday.

It's very costing though, I need to spend about 250 pounds inlcuding other things than just the trip. Another way of looking at it though, that is how much one army of miniatures that I play costs. So technically I'm buying another army, in the form of a kick-ass bow.

If you looked at my calender, you would think I'm some sort of maniac(maybe already am) because I wrote "archery" a lot in it. To be clearer, it's on the days that I have a session to train. Though I also calculated how many days is that (82). Still normal.

You could say it's only pure passion that's driving me to pursue archery. When there's so little you can do for fun here, the few you have becomes the things you constantly have in mind.

It's only because of this reason or at least mostly, that I will miss Aberystwyth a lot. The club members with positions will definitely be people who I'll remember even if they won't get to know me much, but I guess being the only committed Asian member might make me stand out.

But I'm here only for less than a year, then I have to say my goodbyes, goodbyes that may prove to last a very very long time.

The mind continues to wonder off.

A test of my faith in myself? Perhaps.

There's these rare times I feel good being alone. I don't know why, but.

Whatever people are doing, they don't affect you, neither do you.

You just feel them; the people, the world around you, as if you were able to drift in that feeling.

Even though now, as I write, the kitchen is as noisy as usual but I couldn't care more than the previous times it is. If life is going to be like,well, I'm just going to embrace it.

I'm tired, but the 'good' kind of tired. Like the worries of the world momentarily loses its weight.
Feeling at peace.

Sometimes you wonder, if someone finally falls in love with you and you fall in love with her too. Would this feelings slowly, disappear?

You would only think of her, what's best for each other, what's it going to be like with her. An emotional obsession. Would this 'freedom' disappear?

For that matter, do I really need a girlfriend then? A relationship?
Thinking much about my past, when you're with yourself, things gets grey. No right and wrong path, just the path that suits you.

One thing I do know, is you can't stop feeling love. I love a lot of things although I give the impression that a girl is pretty much the thing often resides in my mind.
I love my family, although I don't show it.
I love life itself, regardless of its gruesome and cold side.
I love music, the thing that accompanies me most of the time.
I love creating, either art, story or videos.
I love games and anime, you could actually say my moral standings is shaped mainly by them.
I love studying, despite I find ways to reduce it, it's really just because it's not my top priority in life.

Last but not least, I love myself, the only person I try my best to make him happy. You could say this is sort of my conscience, my brain speaking to my heart or soul. The only person who understands me and, is always there for me. Might explain why I always look at my own hand for a good amount of time.

This increasing solitude just makes me realise, this 'loving someone' is really just my human instinct. It's not true love if I just jump around girls so frequently. It's just a feeling of needing someone to understand you, which is not alot of people do. They try; either they fail or I avoid confrontation.

One thing people will come to understand is close or best friends don't last once they found someone, at least not a lot. Whether or not they understand your situation or not, they just don't have the time for you.

With my 'unique' personality, I don't get a lot of people to understand me, or rather it's more of being misunderstood actually.

People change I guess, when once I enjoyed having a lot of friends, and now, I only cherish the ones that are true to me. I'm more quiet than I ever was, a sign of anti-social? No, I just like peaceful environments.

I came to UK, knowing well the time that I usually sleep will make me sleep early, something I want to take advantage of. Yet most people, here in my flat change for the worse, you'd actually sleep even later if you were in Malaysia.

I don't like to call myself mature, I'd even hate to admit. But somehow the things I'm interested seemed so different from people around my age. Is my mind growing older than my body? Or are people just more carefree of life?

Maybe some part of me have matured, or numbed, or got bored with something people normally enjoy. I have a slight tendency to like things not a lot of Malaysians do. But, am I not Malaysian? Is the ways my family have been living so different?

This outside world is so unknown and strange to me.

Hey.

Off topic sentence here:

If you want to, we can talk like normal people talking through the internet. There is no need for indirect implications that leaves me wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Either way, reading anything from here is just mentally bad for yourself and others (like I said, I know), This blog is my dump site for emotional crap that I eventually forget about. If I'm that despicable or pathetic to know, it shouldn't be hard for you to stop reading.

Anyways, I like to update on more practical stuff.

Cooking, I've been learning to make sandwiches by just randomly experimenting with different kinds of meat, marinating them the same to see which tastes best, so far it's either beef or pork that tastes the nicest. I've been getting the hang of making omellete too, I realise 3 eggs is always the minimum to mix vegetables into it or else there won't enough egg for it to stick with.

It has by far saved me a lot of money on food. Although sandwiches is not the only things I make, it's the most easiest and fastest way to fill my tummy.

My hobby on minis is finally progressing at a satisfying rate now, it has been keeping me company most of the time. I've bought all that I want and it is just a matter of having the time to finish them all. I miss the shop back home, the club here has a very limited time to play and I'm busy around those days.

Busy as in on Wednesday I have archery to practice. So moving on to shooting arrows, Those few times I get to practice is very precious to me, I like it alot even though the couple doesn't come often because I genuinely wanted to become good at it. I look forward to the day I have could happily say "I own a bow". The coach that is teaching is not bad either, I realise everything about shooting an arrow has a factor to keep the mind onto, like the posture of your body, position of the arms, flexibility of the arrow, strength of the limbs of the bow etc...

Regardless, I have rather weak fingers when I pull the string of the bow and weak arm strength. Have been doing push ups and bought myself a shooting glove ever since.

There will be a beginner's competition soon and I like to join it.

It's just the initiation process for the club that I don't look forward to.

Married to a Girl (Dream)

Most epic weird dream of all time.

Dreamed I was married to a rich Malay girl but have no idea how I did and any of our past time together were like.
However, cheated on her with someone, also no idea how that happened.
Regardless, there were divorce procedures and my questions still unanswered, mostly I didn't even get to meet her.

The procedures were smooth, as if they understood I had some kind of amnesia and wasn't my fault.

What I really wanted to know was who that girl was, maybe there was a reason why we're married then I wouldn't want to get divorced.

Stepping back a bit, the right question to ask was, why did I had such a dream? As far as I know, I do not know or am familiar with such an ethnic background. Dreams are always a random connection between memories whether old or new. It's said we dream because it is the 'by product' of our memory strengthening function in our brain. Our subconscious mind inevitably tries to make sense of this process, possibly trying not wake us up and halting it mid-way.

By that hypothesis, it makes sense why I can't see her face because maybe she's possibly just an idea or general knowledge manifested into a dream. But this gets you thinking about my subconscious mind may influence my perspective in life. Does this dream represent something more? Does it mean to say deep down, I have no concern for ethnicity or religion when it comes to love? Or that I can't love one person because in the end I found myself having an affair with someone else?

Nothing's certain about this, but once I retain some control, as in having a lucid dream, I didn't want to divorce. I wanted to be with her, know who she was, but more important, why she chose me.

It is just a dream, but dreams are where I really am and not at the same time. A place where I am myself.
I don't want to wake up looking at the ceiling, feeling so lost and lonely.

The only place left.

It's funny how life always find something to freaking annoy the hell out of you.

There are people who are stressed out by common things, which are either work or study. I have neither of those for now because I've always have been an easy-going guy.

But for some reason life gives you one to stress about.

The number one stressful thing in my life is society; fitting in, considerate, commitment, politeness, honesty and that crap I try to follow as best I can. But then there's people who doesn't have such a sense of righteousness or have single care for it.

I thought life would be a bit better, moving to a new life, but for some reason the past life follows me every where. This life isn't new, I know the feel of it, only it had gotten worse.

The most frustrating part of my life now is not being able to make new friends. Is it because I don't have a camera in hand or is it because this is who I really am?

I've always been quiet, not to point of being mute but still alright. Paranoia sets in here; do people think I'm unsocial because of it? Do they think I'm intimidating? Do they find me revolting in some way?

Let me start as to who lives in my flat, there's a total of 8 people in one section, 4 rooms divided by the kitchen in the middle. On my side, there's a chinese girl from China, a couple from M'sia, a guy from Poland. They are all quite ok people, the chinese girl mostly stays in her room or is somewhere else other than in the flat. The couple is likely rich, almost always travels during the weekends. The polish guy is pretty much like the chinese girl.

The freaking problem people are on the other side of the flat, this may or may not include all of them but I can guarantee you it's always from there. One main thing I can say is, they are all Malaysians, who doesn't sleep late at night, first problem because they invite people (who are also Malaysians). I don't know whether or not they have been drinking or they are sober but they freaking noisy out in the kitchen, just to mention the rooms aren't sound proof. Noises include, singing terribly, doing terrible accents, laughing loudly, playing music and more recently, watching movie and playing the guitar (one of them bought it).

THESE ARE MALAYSIANS. One look at the opposite block from ours, you see NO ONE in the kitchen and are generally Caucasians. What does that indicate? In my opinion, this is just setting a bad example to our people. I'm definitely certain the polish guy who lives next to me suffers the problem too, albeit less annoying since I'm the one living next to the kitchen.

This is not their home, it's a collection of different people with different lifestyles living in the same household. There must be a freaking limit to what you can do at a set a period of time, a compromise between each other. Do I need to spell out what is EXPECTED for people to consider in such circumstances or is it not OBVIOUS enough to notice what you are doing affects others adversely? Are people that ignorant or are they really just idiots of society?

We're in our 20s already, and this is the level of maturity and responsibility we Malaysians exhibit. Quite honestly I'm not even sure if they any real goals in their lives.

Moving on...

I've been asked or invited about this, which is about travelling to other places.
I like to remind myself and every other people who hasn't contemplated about it, is that we came here for a purpose, to study.

Easiest to counter argue this is that we have to enjoy ourselves too.

'Enjoyment' is a subjective matter, ladies and gentlemen. Because it is different for everyone.
Although travelling is generally what most people want to do, I'm not in the general category.

My enjoyment does not require me to travel in cars, trains or planes.

The internet is the simplest gateway to my enjoyment, Most of my entertainment derives from it, movies, cartoons, shows, animes, games, books, socialising etc. the list goes on.

More common activities I like doing is, writing/reading/singing/dancing/painting/gaming.

If I have to travel, I would only enjoy it if I had good company or somewhere I really wanted to go. I don't have good company because people who invite me are couples, and I don't to be a freaking light bulb. Second reason I don't have good company is because they ignore me, simple as that. You'd think only people who don't know much about it would be such persons but no, I don't want to be naming people although I want to, but what is the point really, what happened has happened.

I have places I want to go but not now, which comes to my next point. There is a balance between studying and playing. This 'balance' is also different for each people, smarter persons require less to study and more time to have fun, vice versa. I'm the kind of guy who wants to be prepared throughout the term regardless if I'm good or not. Too much fun induces guilt inside of me and I hate that feeling.

That said, I hate people telling me I'm unsocial or 'am wasting my free time staying here'.
Why can't stay here for most of my term? I freaking like Aberystwyth, everything is within a walking distance to get and obtain, why the hell do I want to sit for hours in the train to go shopping. To be honest, I'm not a suburban kind of guy even though I live near KL. I love the the peace and quiet of my home and the simple town that is Rawang, it's only now that it's starting to expand bigger. Aberystwyth reminds me of my home because of it's simplistic lifestyle. The only difference is that I'm here all alone. Nevertheless I just want to get used to Aberystwyth, it's a place that I want to stay, ignore the annoying flatmates for just this point.

I'm 'unsocial' not because I am, it's because view me as one. As far as I know, there's not a lot of people with my interests in life, people just don't see that I like living this way. Except for my family, no one gets me, let alone people who just know me.

Leading to where I talk about this girl who totally ignores me halfway when chatting in FB, we've never talked in real life beforehand (same course, same university). This is the first time someone who just abruptly stops, talking to me. I've always been myself when I chat online because there's no pressure in time to respond. Better yet, she was the one who initiated to talk, whilst I just subsequently initiated a SINGLE chat on the following day.

What's interesting is the days afterward, for your information she often comes to our flat's kitchen to hangout with the people on the other side from mine. I'm practically a ghost to her. As I'm typing this I am reminded there is another girl in the gang who ignored me too but since she always have been and I'm not interested in a person who likes drinking, for some reason I don't like her.

Anyways, so as being a ghost which can manipulate objects, she ignores me entirely, like we don't know each other or never talked to each other. This has continued since then and we've never chatted on FB.

Moving on to people ignoring me, it's like when I'm in the kitchen, I feel like I'm not suppose to be there by these people.
Well, whenever this happens I've always wanted to scream out loud to them that I F*CKING LIVE HERE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I mean come on people, I'm not a freeloader, I paid to stay here and I will use the kitchen room however I like. In fact this people that ignores me, DOESN'T even live in the flat, it's people who were invited by 'them'. Tell me, doesn't this make you want to scream the top of your lungs?

It just makes me want to make a seriously epic facepalm to myself.
In the end, when I look at my situation from a third person perspective, I'm the only one who's making myself suffer, it's all psychological really. What I've always been trying to do is think of these people as friends, but you know what, it's easier to just see them as strangers since they treat me like a stranger. The difference here is merely that we're strangers living together.

So for whatever they have done that has affected me, I could easily say this in return, in very simple derogatory terms, although less equal in value:

"F*ck you, too."