A test of my faith in myself? Perhaps.
There's these rare times I feel good being alone. I don't know why, but.
Whatever people are doing, they don't affect you, neither do you.
You just feel them; the people, the world around you, as if you were able to drift in that feeling.
Even though now, as I write, the kitchen is as noisy as usual but I couldn't care more than the previous times it is. If life is going to be like,well, I'm just going to embrace it.
I'm tired, but the 'good' kind of tired. Like the worries of the world momentarily loses its weight.
Feeling at peace.
Sometimes you wonder, if someone finally falls in love with you and you fall in love with her too. Would this feelings slowly, disappear?
You would only think of her, what's best for each other, what's it going to be like with her. An emotional obsession. Would this 'freedom' disappear?
For that matter, do I really need a girlfriend then? A relationship?
Thinking much about my past, when you're with yourself, things gets grey. No right and wrong path, just the path that suits you.
One thing I do know, is you can't stop feeling love. I love a lot of things although I give the impression that a girl is pretty much the thing often resides in my mind.
I love my family, although I don't show it.
I love life itself, regardless of its gruesome and cold side.
I love music, the thing that accompanies me most of the time.
I love creating, either art, story or videos.
I love games and anime, you could actually say my moral standings is shaped mainly by them.
I love studying, despite I find ways to reduce it, it's really just because it's not my top priority in life.
Last but not least, I love myself, the only person I try my best to make him happy. You could say this is sort of my conscience, my brain speaking to my heart or soul. The only person who understands me and, is always there for me. Might explain why I always look at my own hand for a good amount of time.
This increasing solitude just makes me realise, this 'loving someone' is really just my human instinct. It's not true love if I just jump around girls so frequently. It's just a feeling of needing someone to understand you, which is not alot of people do. They try; either they fail or I avoid confrontation.
One thing people will come to understand is close or best friends don't last once they found someone, at least not a lot. Whether or not they understand your situation or not, they just don't have the time for you.
With my 'unique' personality, I don't get a lot of people to understand me, or rather it's more of being misunderstood actually.
People change I guess, when once I enjoyed having a lot of friends, and now, I only cherish the ones that are true to me. I'm more quiet than I ever was, a sign of anti-social? No, I just like peaceful environments.
I came to UK, knowing well the time that I usually sleep will make me sleep early, something I want to take advantage of. Yet most people, here in my flat change for the worse, you'd actually sleep even later if you were in Malaysia.
I don't like to call myself mature, I'd even hate to admit. But somehow the things I'm interested seemed so different from people around my age. Is my mind growing older than my body? Or are people just more carefree of life?
Maybe some part of me have matured, or numbed, or got bored with something people normally enjoy. I have a slight tendency to like things not a lot of Malaysians do. But, am I not Malaysian? Is the ways my family have been living so different?
This outside world is so unknown and strange to me.
There's these rare times I feel good being alone. I don't know why, but.
Whatever people are doing, they don't affect you, neither do you.
You just feel them; the people, the world around you, as if you were able to drift in that feeling.
Even though now, as I write, the kitchen is as noisy as usual but I couldn't care more than the previous times it is. If life is going to be like,well, I'm just going to embrace it.
I'm tired, but the 'good' kind of tired. Like the worries of the world momentarily loses its weight.
Feeling at peace.
Sometimes you wonder, if someone finally falls in love with you and you fall in love with her too. Would this feelings slowly, disappear?
You would only think of her, what's best for each other, what's it going to be like with her. An emotional obsession. Would this 'freedom' disappear?
For that matter, do I really need a girlfriend then? A relationship?
Thinking much about my past, when you're with yourself, things gets grey. No right and wrong path, just the path that suits you.
One thing I do know, is you can't stop feeling love. I love a lot of things although I give the impression that a girl is pretty much the thing often resides in my mind.
I love my family, although I don't show it.
I love life itself, regardless of its gruesome and cold side.
I love music, the thing that accompanies me most of the time.
I love creating, either art, story or videos.
I love games and anime, you could actually say my moral standings is shaped mainly by them.
I love studying, despite I find ways to reduce it, it's really just because it's not my top priority in life.
Last but not least, I love myself, the only person I try my best to make him happy. You could say this is sort of my conscience, my brain speaking to my heart or soul. The only person who understands me and, is always there for me. Might explain why I always look at my own hand for a good amount of time.
This increasing solitude just makes me realise, this 'loving someone' is really just my human instinct. It's not true love if I just jump around girls so frequently. It's just a feeling of needing someone to understand you, which is not alot of people do. They try; either they fail or I avoid confrontation.
One thing people will come to understand is close or best friends don't last once they found someone, at least not a lot. Whether or not they understand your situation or not, they just don't have the time for you.
With my 'unique' personality, I don't get a lot of people to understand me, or rather it's more of being misunderstood actually.
People change I guess, when once I enjoyed having a lot of friends, and now, I only cherish the ones that are true to me. I'm more quiet than I ever was, a sign of anti-social? No, I just like peaceful environments.
I came to UK, knowing well the time that I usually sleep will make me sleep early, something I want to take advantage of. Yet most people, here in my flat change for the worse, you'd actually sleep even later if you were in Malaysia.
I don't like to call myself mature, I'd even hate to admit. But somehow the things I'm interested seemed so different from people around my age. Is my mind growing older than my body? Or are people just more carefree of life?
Maybe some part of me have matured, or numbed, or got bored with something people normally enjoy. I have a slight tendency to like things not a lot of Malaysians do. But, am I not Malaysian? Is the ways my family have been living so different?
This outside world is so unknown and strange to me.
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