Update on Light Production

If anyone is curious, i have another blog i think most of you knew, my life has been on about videos and likes of it so putting and update over there.

http://lightproduction.blogspot.com/

[Realize] Volume 1

[Realize]

0# - I realize a lot of things about me and others through observing, that's why i probably should start counting how many things  i have realized so far.

1# - I realize i don't like gossiping about people's affair. Especially if that topic relates to me, such as love. Although i do contradict myself quite often, but then it is because i don't know how to open topics to talk about, gossiping feels quite the most serious and deep topics that will last quite a while in a conversation, or so that's what i thought.

For me, i say i don't like it mainly because i'm always the first target to be shot at, as in i'm always questioned things so direct like who i like, i get flustered and wished i completely knew it myself. For anyones information, love is not simple as just by thinking you are actually in it and so you can 100% be sure that you've confirmed she's the one.

Anyways, truthfully, i don't know what your problems in life is, and i don't want to nose in and ask questions, because if you do have a problem, you would've already told me. In short, i don't want to show unnecessary concern if it irritates you, i only show it if you trust me enough and have the need to tell me about it. In any case, when you have something bothering in your mind, it's not hard to tell, kinda obvious actually, but i'll be there, waiting for you to willingly show me that cooped up feeling.

Hey if you're a true friend to me, i don't mind meeting anywhere you want.

2# - I realize there will always be that sort of vacant space for that special someone. But it's really something I should deny with all my will, i don't have a job, simple as that, i can't provide security for a girl i will love with all my heart and believe me, with someone as emotionally driven as myself, i subconsciously vow to myself that i would sacrifice everything for a girl i love, i thought about the level i would love a girl, it's probably classified as "Madly-totally-blindly in love". That's why i have kept denying about committing in a relationship, i won't be able to achieve that; i won't be able to give her total happiness in her life when she's with me. Coupled with the aim of striving to study first, i've managed to reinforce the wall that keeps my feelings from bursting out again, putting a gate for me in case i'm being too cold.

But it can be agonizing at that times, when you want someone sitting beside you in the car during a long journey back home, yeah, it kinda sucks to be single and living far away from everyone.

3# I realize i blank out a lot of times in my mind and stutter and mumble when i talk, i would be ready to talk about something beforehand but after meeting up, i go "What was i going to ask again?" and then the usual follow up "Damn, just keep quiet then you anti-social idiot!"

I don't have a lot of options in the present, i RARELY talk nowadays, even with my family. Which is really bothering me, i spent 60%-70% of the time with myself, no wonder. You know what, it's a problem i should personally notify you(that is reading this and know me) when i see you. I'll constantly tell you i have a problem with communicating and wish you would understand it's not that i don't want to talk to you, every single i time stutter and blank out . I can't ignore it anymore, i need help, i need to rehabilitate myself, i need to TALK.

4# I realize i have friends that can warm me up on those lonely nights. True, again, you will RARELY see me express this things that'll cause goose-bumps all over your skin but then again, nobody really knows how i look on the inside if they do not read my blog. But honestly, i wish one day i can be as crazy as they are, as open as they are, as friendly as they are, as precious as they are to me.

Thanks for showing up, and thanks for reading all this crab.

Another 'Appreciation Day' for me.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I dedicate this moment to the gurlz as i always gave ♥ to you  :3

Because i'm a sucker for a pretty face you have there,
and you made my day just by seeing you :D

I dedicate this moment to Junior & Marcus too,

Because they're like my second family,
and they're irreplaceable in my life.

I dedicate this moment to my family too,

Because they are the pillars of my life,
and they are always there to help me.

Let's have this video dedicated for my wonderful 18th year of my life,
it's been the best year of my life and i can't desire anymore from my loved ones than i already have.



I love you all ♥ ♥ :3
No matter how big the responsibility i'm given, i'll do my best to fulfill the given tasks.

I'm lost my way~~~

For the first time, i'm not sure where my life is heading to.

Towards you or away from you,
which is better?

Girl, i need a girl~~~~

试试看吧

Will be using chinese to write this blog for two reasons, see what is the extent of the level of chinese language i am at now and also because i wanna see is it in par at expressing thoughts and feelings through English. It's been more than two years since i wrote things in chinese.

但是想一想，我真的不知道用华文可以写得出什么东西啰，抱歉如果以下有错误。

不用再说，其实我的华语随准是可以差点拿到不及格的，咳无论如何我的还是试试看吧。

讲真的啰，如果我不用不讲不写，没人会知道我是华校生，但也不是很光荣的一件事。

要问为什么的话，可以讲说是我把我的兴趣放在英文上因为英文身为了我的生活的一部分。

从小看卡通都是用英语，没翻译成华语，还有补习只是补英文。

从中学开始，我都一直给搅华语的老师给看死，因为不交功课还有不专心，就这样我放弃了这课啰。

但没放弃到不及格啦，我有讲过，到Form 5 我改变我自己的态度为了家人还有自己，虽然爱情那方面我当时很不稳，第一次初恋到很严重然后还要放弃和停止继续得去想她。哈哈现在问题更加难决绝掉，暗恋，哇~ 我跟你讲，更难去明白还有去解释。

又在想一想话，我想要去追得女生永远会有阻碍的，不是高矮的问题，就是宗教的问题，不是性格的问题，就是年龄差别的问题。


我想啊，为什么我的眼光就是那么差我不明白，也许我的条件太复杂吧，连自己都不清楚。
我爱上的偏偏就是事实上，家人不会接受或者是命运不给我现在谈恋爱。


人已经十九岁了，我看比跟我家人的话，我因该是最久没有交过女朋友的啦，安慰我还是给我一脚也没问题。


头脑讲你能承当到那么久，在继续吧；心里讲你能承到那么久，该给自己一个机会啦。
我讲，现在的情况是不上不下，要我怎么样啊?

Anyways, for anyone wondering why the twits in me twitter sound emo about love well at the same time my blog posts has been really angry. 

The former one is just you misunderstanding through guessing, again if you ask me in real life, i'll just give an answer more likely to be not an answer at all. 

The later one is really myself being angry and sad, but it's like a few weeks ago, now it's more like i'm enjoying my solitude life and criticizing other people's point of view and their hypocritical self contradicting to it. Hate all you want about how i view through your actions that i've seen myself, i don't really care anymore. Just by the act of cursing someone behind their backs and not being able to tolerate and accept people and their life is signs of immaturity, just so you haters know.

Anyways, to summarize the reasons about my mood swings, i loved a girl, then i tried to tolerate the fact it's impossible, then i tried to forget, then i loved her again, then i'm sorta interested in other girls, but she's in my mind which is inconvenient and feel really guilty. And now~~ it's sorta still quite like that. I'm stuck but i got a lot of good reasons to stop being so pathetic in my life just because i can't stop a problematic love. I have a lot of responsibilities at my hand, so much i can care less about love and now more about being productive and changing myself.

I have to keep thinking i should aim to be successful in life, other things you wished for will eventually be drawn towards you. Have to think far, give that love a 5 years break time.

Or else, the only thing i wished for the girl to tell me, is that i'm just not her type and this crap will all just friggin end. Please do that for me, it's killing me. I can't, i'm a guy with no balls.

You're My + I Need A Girl [feat. G-Dragon & Sandara Park] (Dance Version) - Tae Yang

I'm tired of being alone
Sick of being single
I think I need me a girl
I need a girl like

One that speaks without thinking
Not a little child, but one that will embrace me
Not a girl that plays around sometimes when she's bored
But one that will only love me
Even if she stays still and guys hand her their phone
That kind of girl that will proudly take out and show my picture

Girl, I need a girl
Pretty no matter what she does
A pretty body, too
Girl, I need a girl
Baby, I need you
Girl, you need me, too

A kind of girl that looks better in jeans than a skirt
A girl that will eat the kimchi fried rice that I make instead
A girl who looks young even though she's old
I like that kind of girl
(Know what I mean)

A girl that acts shy, but knows how to be bold
Always pretends to careful of her behavior
But when you're with her
Hmm, y'all know what I'm talking about

Girl, I need a girl
Pretty no matter what she does
A pretty body, too
Girl, I need a girl
I like this kind of girl

Looks are not an issue
But a cute girl who knows style
Even though our hobbies are different
Our tastes are the same
A girl that I can relate to a lot
When we watch movies or listen to music

(Yes!) I love girls, girls I do adore
In front of people, she has principles as she plays
In front of me, she's like "Aing, I don't know"

A voice that wakes me up in the morning
(Morning Kiss) I want to start the day
I'll learn on your knees at night
As I listen to a lullaby
I want to dream of you

Make my heart race again
Make me able to create sweet songs again

You know don't need no more
It's just not like that
You're the person I want to give my heart to

Girl, I need a girl
Girl, I get, gotta make you're mine
I'm treat you right, baby

Girl, I need a girl
Pretty no matter what she does
A pretty body, too
Girl,, I need a girl
Baby, I need you
Girl, you need me too

Girl, I need a girl
Girl, I need a girl

Girl, are you listening to me?
Baby, I need you
Girl, you need me, too

Girl, I need a girl

Pictures always capture something.

Did something you can say out of the blue moon, last midnight an idea just hit me as to what i should do when i don't need to bother visiting Junior as he was busy with other plans, i went to Mid Valley for some photography action.

Which i tell ya, something not many of my family members would agree on since i was going to be alone wandering the shopping mall. Which in turn they think it's silly and think i was probably emotionally unwell or something.

Well most of the part i would disagree with them, i was happy because i wanted to do something i dreamed of doing, wander by yourself with all that unlimited freedom in your hands and doing something that is uncommon to that place, and it happened on 17th July 2010.

Then the next question to ask would be. Why Mid Valley of all places?

Hmmm, i would say it was the first thing on my mind during that midnight because there was a friend who just suddenly told me to vote for her in a Miss WCG competition. Which i then realize, there was a World Cyber Game event held there, i could go meet her there while i take extra pictures of the event too, well that's what i thought about back then but it turn out to be not really exactly as planned. Besides i had to send my mum to meet with dad to visit a relative, mouthful, anyway i probably should do something about filling up the time of it, was planning to visit Junior first though but didn't happen. 

Wonder having lots of friends is worth it, you can say you treat your friends equally best but the thing is, your effort would probably get stale, as in, it was not as important as when you treat a few friends great compare to treating a hundred friends great too. Would be lying to himself though if it he think it's the same, in my opinion it's humanly impossible to treat all friends equal, truth be told i a guy but i'll be annoyed if a person says i'm a close friend but treated the same as other friend he would have or maybe even worse. That's why i seclude myself as much as possible from people, it's my mindset but i make friends easily but to stop me from acting and be real and truly care about them, both of us have to take a step higher to achieve that. In this case, actions speaks louder than words and all i'm seeing from you, is words, hope that i'm wrong.

Anywho, back to my little trip through a sea of people, yeah there were a lot of people on Saturdays, to be honest, first time taking pictures without the people being the attention of it. I can actually feel the people staring me as i awkwardly use my camera to take plain views, really embarassing for me to do in front of so many people passing by, tried to look as professional as possible as to not let people get the wrong idea about me.

Yeah about me stalking people with my camera, just to be clear and serious about it, if you know i'm taking a picture of you and you're letting me taking it, i'm a photographer. If you don't know i'm taking them, then only then, i'm a friggin stalker. Hate and sick of people calling me a stalker. I like taking pictures of people and things, that doesn't make me a sicko or gives you the right to accuse me of something i'm not. I respect and take measures to ensure that i don't foul people with embarassing pictures, one of the steps i taken would be putting up higher privacy control on the albums from Facebook, keeping unwanted eyes on the pictures and videos.

Well i did other things too while i was there, went to the Comics Mart where it was unexpectedly crowded, watch a battle between Orks and Space Marines for a moment, it was nice. Went to Ace Hardware store to find blackboard paint, and i declared that they don't sell them anymore after searching through the shelves.

Other than geeky stuffs, there's also another thing that was in my mind, which was to meet the friend working in the WCG fair i mentioned before. Turns out i'm really a coward, mostly because girls there were dressed.. revealingly which made me breeze through the place and walked out. Was gonna give up finding her but gave another go anyways. I found her but didn't have the guts to say hello, "hey, i think it's ok with just being able to finally see her then." was what i thought as i stand only a few meters thanks to the crowd walking around helped me blend in. Hahah, like in the movies, i seemed to just walk by her and disappeared. She changed alot i guess just by looking at her, i wondered how different my secondary school friends are now as she was one of them. Yeah, now you can say i'm actually stalking a person, only without my camera. Well what you expect from a person that would froze to see a beautiful friend when he's thinks about talking to her, yeah don't know how many times i told myself i'm a pathetic loser.

Truth be told, i don't have any feelings for her if you're suspecting anything, i just shy away from pretty girls that's all. Hence, proves i'm still anti-social. and a wuss. Somewhere in me just wants to beat the living daylights out of me for that. Honestly, i think too much when i'm around girls, well you know, i always think i might have a chance even though i know it's not really love of anything and maybe she was interested in me. I think like that about all the girls i talk to, except the ones that are taken. Yeah probably now the girls are saying

"Don't think too highly of yourself, boy."

Well i like to be optimistic about between love and myself. Unfortunately, waiting for the chances rather than taking them, hasn't gave me good results, or maybe ANY at all. So to be REALLY honest, any girl that is single, that is reading this now and have met me, yeah, you too. I just can't resist a pretty face and just.. well think about how the future between us would be like. Too bad(for me) you all are gonna be taken by other people, since i don't interact much. Sucks to have a family that has no sisters for me, women are like goddesses to me, i don't know how to interact with one if encountered except they can be really hot in a dress and have my heart sacrificed for them.

To sum it all up, i would say it was great taking pictures there and just turn your head in all directions to look for a special view of things we don't normally see when we shop. I'll definitely do this kind of thing again when the time is right. One adolescent dream came true, a few dozens more. Here's some i took and think they are some of the nicest ones i've taken on that day. Here's the whole album.

Ignore post below, he was drunk with power.

As the title says, ignore it entirely, i was drunk with power and blinded by it, wrote a lot of crap i don't think i myself will bother reading. I'm leaving it there to remind me evil thoughts doesn't really make me happy, just excites me a little. But the loving is kinda true, albeit pathetic.


Anyways time for a bit of this a bit of that.


Will be working on my 2nd brother's marriage registration videos. Postponing WHIC? indefinitely because i also have my eldest bro's entire marriage videos to work on too, postponed that for too long. I apologize for any anxious and hopeful waitings wasted during this period of time, one person can't do much, sorry.


Became a member of the committee planning the prom, will be in charge of entertainment with Yannie. Very nervous but excited, never done anything this big before but will try my best to get the best entertainment, out of BAC students that are going to be judged by me during the audition. Not a judge of law of course but similar, i'll judge anyone the same, even my close friends so no free pass for anyone who knows me, sorry, and hope anyone auditioning reads this, it's not easy to meet my expectations and requirements, although any talents you have would be accepted, given it actually will entertain the guests during the prom. But rest assured, i won't be the only one, maybe others would be like a Randy or Paula but i'm sure as hell that I'm a Simon.


Till then, not much to say, i'm still trap in boring world, until them following weeks.


PS: I know i whine and can be immature sometimes but seriously, don't be so much more of a whiner or immature than me, it really irritates me someone is lower than me. Yeah you, the person i'm pointing at you through my monitor that connects through the internet and to your house and to your computer screen that lets you see this text and imagining me pointing at you, wuss.

I think i just took a break from life.

Watched Full Metal Alchemist - Bro for days, play around small toys, watched some world cup matches, stayed up all night and wake up in the afternoon.


Yeah, i guess i actually had 'no life' for a week or more, didn't feel right at first but eventually i could care less about my responsibilities and my emotional problems. I would go far to say that first i was frustrated that i was unable to do anything productive socially, stuck at home, tried to tell myself i have to commit to things and sacrifice things at the same time, had to work on videos but could not because there was other things to attend to bla bla bla long story short i was messed up.


In the end, well not exactly but one day, as usual, wake up with a pain in the head and look into the mirror in my bathrooom, all this mindless struggle, to keep yourself sane, to tell yourself you're actually worth being cared by people. I looked in the mirror, i saw no one else, but me. Have done all of this for other people? Not totally of course, because when you brush your teeth, clean your face and wipe them dry, what did you see again in the mirror? Yourself.


One thing i have to agree with a character in FMA called "Greed" had said, "It doesn't matter if you're doing the right thing or not, if you desire it, you are greedy in all it's essence". That's probably why i felt weird to desire good things such as striving to hold on to friends. The result of it satisfying but at the same time, i desire more, i wanted to buy more miniatures, i wanted something to satisfy my hunger but i don't know what i was really greedy about. Then it struck me, i wanted people to understand me, more deeply, i asked myself, "Have you not had enough acknowledgement from people? why do you still feel empty?"


Bear in mind i just continouosly watched an anime pertaining the theories of life hence all i have write may sound outright pathetic, insane and despicable, you have been noted. Then again i desire a lot of things, but non could be compared to my desire to be loved by someone special, oh the frustration of cowardice, the annoyance of powerless and the envy of love and being loved. It truly maddens me to see me in such a state, a walking husk that was almost in the brink of giving up in love which had proven to only disgrace myself. But then after the time of grief and despair, it occurred to me, that i was getting bored of it, surprising even though i still longed for love.


'Why all this sadness?' i chat to myself amusingly as if i was not mad enough.
'Were you not happy when you were able to love?'
'Now you're bored of love?'
'You're lying to yourself that is.'
'You want to be loved but truly,
 were you not most happiest when you were the one loving?'
'You are better than this.'


True, so true, i am such a simple minded fool, don't you think? it had never occurred to me that i, from the beginning, was simply happy to be able to love someone. One more thing that just freaks me, is that i'm becoming more evil and good at the same time, i longer have the urge to create videos without merit, without anything to commit myself to publish in time, why bother apologizing for late uploads, it is a given consequence as i am only volunteering, contradictory to some extent, i do not want payment nor do i want to be complimented on my work, i am merely human, to this day, i'll need more than just my sole commitment to make videos and support from others, there is no purpose in my work, no amount of result i can see to push me to work. I need a better reason to act like a dog trying to please it's master for nothing i can see or feel loved.


Some how, i feel like Greed is the new me now.


Simplicity and complexity of - my identity, my ideals, my life, my emotions; is the same and which had become who i am today. This feeling inside of me is not empty, it is joy by simply loving and add to that, i feel lighter to drop all the useless weights. It need not be understood, it only needs to be believed. I'm human, can i get any more simple and complicated at the same time?

Getting quiet in here. Peace?

After a month of self-inflicted despair, i think i am starting to satisfy myself with what i have now, my heads finally clearing up with constant activities with my family and myself. For once i believed what i was telling myself all that time, is that i had a great and loving time at college.

3 weeks of holidays passed, not much of an outing for me, even though i finally got my car. But i had some fun driving it, went to Kuala Selangor, reluctant at first of course but some how later after eating some soft-shelled crabs (yummy), the drive back home was somewhat nice.

Hmmm, when i'm actually for the first time, feeling fine, but have nothing to write about it. Guess when you feel good, you don't have much in your mind, do you now?

It's nearly two months since i cut my hair, i look like a guy from the 80's or the 90's, i wonder how long will it continue to grow, kinda annoyed with it though, since my mum nags all the time because i need to take extra care with my hair now and not to let it look messy. Why am i not cutting it? lazy and curious i guess, never grew it any longer than my shoulder cause of the daily walking to college kinda makes me sweat like a pig but since mostly i stay away from society and shut myself at home, why not? One of my goal in life, grow my hair as long as a long-haired girl would do :3

Haaah, come to think of it, i feel like talking to myself, not writing a blog, i wonder what am i gonna do tomorrow... Ooops, anyways, aside from the news which the magic box tells me, not much from my friends though, maybe because i didn't make an effort to talk to them i guess. Ahhh talking, my greatest weakness, one of the reasons i hate myself, it's quite annoying to see myself haven't improve much at all since college ended, in fact, i think it's getting worse, damn, a month absent of social life will do that to ya. Gotta do something about it, fast. Hmmm, maybe i should talk to myself... as practice.

[Geeky stuff]

Gotta admit, my army of small people and small flying cars is catching a lot of dust.
Got a Broadside, love it very much. But not painted.
Yeah, about painting, i really should find the time and the tools i need to paint them.
They all look either black or plastic right now and it's been almost a year now and only a few are painted.
Lots of things i'm about to do, hope i just better utilize my time now.

Something About Us - Daft Punk

Promises, i made them myself.

When are promises made if it is not expressly shown?

Is the person making it, and then puts a lot of commitment to make it come true,
makes it a promise? Regardless of the promissee's real interpretation of the act...?

Or is it when the person wishes you to fulfil the act;
that you have put so much faith in it.
But at the end, you did not,
only realizing the failure to commit the act,
actually was something meaningful to you.

Realizing that the act had failed to be achieved,
was really a promise that was broken unintentionally.

Or maybe it was the promissee's idiocy,
to believe in something that does not exist.

Nevertheless, someone was hurt by an omission of an act,
just because you said yes to do something.

How many promises you have made indirectly and had hurt people in the process?
Well a word of advice, just don't "i will" about anything.
I'm not gonna say those words until i am absolutely certain.


Was i forceful in my words and wasn't merely wanting you do to something?
If it is, forgive me, i was being selfish.
If it isn't, then shame on me, i was too hopeful.

either way,
i'm tired of giving too much hope on self-proclaimed promises,
i'm tired of imagining the promises to come true,
i'm tired of waiting it again and again,
i'm tired of wondering promises are really full or empty.

i'll let fate fulfill the promises made to me, but i will let myself fulfill the promises i made to you.