Watched Full Metal Alchemist - Bro for days, play around small toys, watched some world cup matches, stayed up all night and wake up in the afternoon.
Yeah, i guess i actually had 'no life' for a week or more, didn't feel right at first but eventually i could care less about my responsibilities and my emotional problems. I would go far to say that first i was frustrated that i was unable to do anything productive socially, stuck at home, tried to tell myself i have to commit to things and sacrifice things at the same time, had to work on videos but could not because there was other things to attend to bla bla bla long story short i was messed up.
In the end, well not exactly but one day, as usual, wake up with a pain in the head and look into the mirror in my bathrooom, all this mindless struggle, to keep yourself sane, to tell yourself you're actually worth being cared by people. I looked in the mirror, i saw no one else, but me. Have done all of this for other people? Not totally of course, because when you brush your teeth, clean your face and wipe them dry, what did you see again in the mirror? Yourself.
One thing i have to agree with a character in FMA called "Greed" had said, "It doesn't matter if you're doing the right thing or not, if you desire it, you are greedy in all it's essence". That's probably why i felt weird to desire good things such as striving to hold on to friends. The result of it satisfying but at the same time, i desire more, i wanted to buy more miniatures, i wanted something to satisfy my hunger but i don't know what i was really greedy about. Then it struck me, i wanted people to understand me, more deeply, i asked myself, "Have you not had enough acknowledgement from people? why do you still feel empty?"
Bear in mind i just continouosly watched an anime pertaining the theories of life hence all i have write may sound outright pathetic, insane and despicable, you have been noted. Then again i desire a lot of things, but non could be compared to my desire to be loved by someone special, oh the frustration of cowardice, the annoyance of powerless and the envy of love and being loved. It truly maddens me to see me in such a state, a walking husk that was almost in the brink of giving up in love which had proven to only disgrace myself. But then after the time of grief and despair, it occurred to me, that i was getting bored of it, surprising even though i still longed for love.
'Why all this sadness?' i chat to myself amusingly as if i was not mad enough.
'Were you not happy when you were able to love?'
'Now you're bored of love?'
'You're lying to yourself that is.'
'You want to be loved but truly,
were you not most happiest when you were the one loving?'
'You are better than this.'
True, so true, i am such a simple minded fool, don't you think? it had never occurred to me that i, from the beginning, was simply happy to be able to love someone. One more thing that just freaks me, is that i'm becoming more evil and good at the same time, i longer have the urge to create videos without merit, without anything to commit myself to publish in time, why bother apologizing for late uploads, it is a given consequence as i am only volunteering, contradictory to some extent, i do not want payment nor do i want to be complimented on my work, i am merely human, to this day, i'll need more than just my sole commitment to make videos and support from others, there is no purpose in my work, no amount of result i can see to push me to work. I need a better reason to act like a dog trying to please it's master for nothing i can see or feel loved.
Some how, i feel like Greed is the new me now.
Simplicity and complexity of - my identity, my ideals, my life, my emotions; is the same and which had become who i am today. This feeling inside of me is not empty, it is joy by simply loving and add to that, i feel lighter to drop all the useless weights. It need not be understood, it only needs to be believed. I'm human, can i get any more simple and complicated at the same time?
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