[Realize] Volume 1

[Realize]

0# - I realize a lot of things about me and others through observing, that's why i probably should start counting how many things  i have realized so far.

1# - I realize i don't like gossiping about people's affair. Especially if that topic relates to me, such as love. Although i do contradict myself quite often, but then it is because i don't know how to open topics to talk about, gossiping feels quite the most serious and deep topics that will last quite a while in a conversation, or so that's what i thought.

For me, i say i don't like it mainly because i'm always the first target to be shot at, as in i'm always questioned things so direct like who i like, i get flustered and wished i completely knew it myself. For anyones information, love is not simple as just by thinking you are actually in it and so you can 100% be sure that you've confirmed she's the one.

Anyways, truthfully, i don't know what your problems in life is, and i don't want to nose in and ask questions, because if you do have a problem, you would've already told me. In short, i don't want to show unnecessary concern if it irritates you, i only show it if you trust me enough and have the need to tell me about it. In any case, when you have something bothering in your mind, it's not hard to tell, kinda obvious actually, but i'll be there, waiting for you to willingly show me that cooped up feeling.

Hey if you're a true friend to me, i don't mind meeting anywhere you want.

2# - I realize there will always be that sort of vacant space for that special someone. But it's really something I should deny with all my will, i don't have a job, simple as that, i can't provide security for a girl i will love with all my heart and believe me, with someone as emotionally driven as myself, i subconsciously vow to myself that i would sacrifice everything for a girl i love, i thought about the level i would love a girl, it's probably classified as "Madly-totally-blindly in love". That's why i have kept denying about committing in a relationship, i won't be able to achieve that; i won't be able to give her total happiness in her life when she's with me. Coupled with the aim of striving to study first, i've managed to reinforce the wall that keeps my feelings from bursting out again, putting a gate for me in case i'm being too cold.

But it can be agonizing at that times, when you want someone sitting beside you in the car during a long journey back home, yeah, it kinda sucks to be single and living far away from everyone.

3# I realize i blank out a lot of times in my mind and stutter and mumble when i talk, i would be ready to talk about something beforehand but after meeting up, i go "What was i going to ask again?" and then the usual follow up "Damn, just keep quiet then you anti-social idiot!"

I don't have a lot of options in the present, i RARELY talk nowadays, even with my family. Which is really bothering me, i spent 60%-70% of the time with myself, no wonder. You know what, it's a problem i should personally notify you(that is reading this and know me) when i see you. I'll constantly tell you i have a problem with communicating and wish you would understand it's not that i don't want to talk to you, every single i time stutter and blank out . I can't ignore it anymore, i need help, i need to rehabilitate myself, i need to TALK.

4# I realize i have friends that can warm me up on those lonely nights. True, again, you will RARELY see me express this things that'll cause goose-bumps all over your skin but then again, nobody really knows how i look on the inside if they do not read my blog. But honestly, i wish one day i can be as crazy as they are, as open as they are, as friendly as they are, as precious as they are to me.

Thanks for showing up, and thanks for reading all this crab.

Another 'Appreciation Day' for me.