Readers, this is how much thoughts you can accumulate when you're alone in the car, on your way back from a disappointing time. After getting some comfort from my family and watched three hours of Wong Fu Production, i'm feeling fine i guess, but i just want to let it all out in this post, and sadly it had to be post No.200. Why i do this it's because i found out i tend to forget most of the things i write here, mainly the sad parts of my life.
Not gonna say much about my results, just that it was the worst possible combination i have been expecting so i was quite on the downside, really, it was mediocre and just.. bad.
Who to blame but myself, after getting it, i immediately felt regret for those times i could've done better, those times i could have put to more importance in my studies. I felt like i wasted half of the time filming, taking pictures, fooling around, honestly. I put more importance for my happiness in the present rather than in the future.
I should've worried more about my studies, should've focused more on revising.
I immediately felt i have practically wasted all those nights drowned in meaningless loves, aimless feelings, pointless emotions. This time reality hit me hard and good, right at the center of my cranium, i felt stupid and ignorant. I practically laughed at myself when i think about it, how stupid can i get with loving someone that you have no guts to make even a single move and then you hide from.
Right now, i can definitely say "Screw myself" because i really want to blame someone but i have none. I've made life decisions and i screwed them up. I mean, when reality is not just placed right in front of you, you get smudged with it, you look at it and it keeps reminding how ignorant you were.
When i got home, i literally just.. don't want to talk about it, don't want to look at facebook, don't want to twit. Some part of me was almost died when i realize i was really affected by it badly and was just holding it back in front of my friends.
'Man up,' my mum says, 'you're NOT suppose to be unable to move on, you're a guy.'
Some where inside of me agrees with her and she was right, i'm a guy, i should like forget about doing something wrong right after the next day and move on. Sorry, if that's the case, i'm not ignorant to that extend, i still have some self-awareness about the degree of how important this was to me. Saying A-Levels won't matter when you start on your degree is just the same as saying SPM doesn't matter for A-Levels.
I was furious at myself, letting my parents down like that, realized times were wasted when they are really limited. If i had striven better, i would not be grieving over my mistake because i wouldn't have made such a grave mistake.
Tell me, somebody, anybody, can any of my actions be justified, was it worth jeopardizing my future for something as intangible as friendship and love? Can the reason that i value friends and myself more justify by getting this results? What have i gotten in return for my actions?
Why is every step that i take does not reach for the better but remain at where i began. I do not feel, notice or seen anything that tells me, the time i have made used for, was worth it.
Was it worth it? I don't know, i just don't know what i'm trying to get out of my friends anymore because they are just friends, nothing more.
PS:Sorry, i need time to think.
PSS:For anyone reading this far, i salute to you all for it. And also i'll be finishing all the videos i have taken and hold responsible for, there won't be any further records of times at college because i simply don't want to do it again. I'll only start a video project if i'm really into it, not having the feeling obligatory work that does not pay and stresses me to do so. WHIC will end at the last time we had steamboat, i hope all who have watched had enjoyed it thus far. Further videos that are made will have towards a purpose in entertainment, rather than sort of just videos of the past.
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