Trying to rationalize.

Everytime i get back up in life
Everytime i get knock back down

I'm actually getting sick of being optimistic.
I can tolerate a few bad things happening to my life.
But why do give hope to myself,
when it is simply crushed continuously.

Haven't i given up enough?
Haven't i sacrifice enough?
Haven't i lost enough?

Should i give up on life too?
Why should i?
Should i?

i can't see where i'm heading anymore.
reality is so frustrating, i can't change the path i'm moving on.
No matter how hard i try, thing's just get's worst and worst.

Only the past had kept me moving forward, now even that has been continuously taken away from me. I simply can't take it anymore, anger, shame, guilt, despair, jealousy. Any more emotions i shouldn't be having?

What can't i complain about my life?
Why is your life worse gotta do with me?
How do you compare something as subjective as the human feelings?
Why is it that i'm a guy and because of that, i should tolerate and accept more crap in my life?

Yeah finally, i admit it, i'm angry, i don't know why i am being such a whiner.

Oh i don't know, maybe things aren't so bad, i abandoned my old friends and felt like sh*t, but it's ok, i still some friends left at college, not much but i live with it since it was my decision anyways.

I probably exchanged time working hard on my studies with randomly recording with my camera, and you know what, i got the worst possible results in my exam, but it's fine, i believe in "true friendship", it's gonna be "friends forever", even though i forgot they live pretty far away, i don't socialize much, oh and they have their own life too, i was just living in my own world.

But of course, i wanted to change myself for the better, i told myself to deal with the work i should  and finish what i begun, after that it's gonna be different.

But you know what? i cannot tell any of the above problems to any real person, you know why? it's because i cannot justify them, they were all my doings, it's all my fault, complaining it to anyone would've mean i am ignorant of what i have done and i need to blame something else such as superstitious as my fate.

I have no right to tell anyone this in person,

there are things i can't truly talk about with my family;
except for Marcus spending every brief time with me,
i virtually, have no friends to really talk about those things.
i don't know where i can let out these things in my mind except here.
I'm just that hollow and shallow outside and inside.

i wish there was somebody special beside me.
i wish i wasn't this pathetic.








i wish i could cry right now.