Other than.

The title is just a simple realization on my side that, 'other then' is not correct.

Other than that, there's not much to talk about(figurely speaking). Less than two week's time before exams and less than a month before i'm free from the burden of the past.

Simplifying and letting go is what i'm trying to do now, the past is merely what happened, it does not affect the future anymore than it had. I would like to think the good times to be momentary, so as to the ones that weren't. It does not reflect the present nor the future, as it is the nature of us constantly changing.

Starting all over again, isn't that hard when you don't continuously wish things could stay the same. From the beginning, a rapidly growing zygote, to a slowly deteriorating elder. Each life have it's separate needs and desire, a child would no longer crave milk as a baby would, an adult would care for his family rather than to maintain or create more friendship.

This is part of my life, a majority of it. Before the upper half of my secondary school life, i had no purpose but to live on, on my upper half of my secondary school life, i cherished friendship and dwell into a one-sided loves. Changing at an increasing rate, from a period of 6 years, to as short as 3 months. I desired so many things yet i only found few which i'm certain to continue on, whilst others are quickly given up.

Right now, i desire a life with my family and myself. A life partly lived for all my friends was never.. 'seen', actually. I believe my mind has the tendency to exaggerate it further than reality really was. As much as i want people to know the effort i put in videos and what not, it is merely, a friend's effort. Naivety is what appropriately fits my personality from what i can devise.

Still, i'm grateful to have friends and glad i could make more. Just that i wish to use the word 'close' not as sparingly as i used to. I'm sure of it without me defining 'close friends', you have your own definition of it. As non-existential as it gets, some elements of it are present.

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The "Pretend" side
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I find myself being more optimistic and hypocritical as i comfort others or just socialising. True, i am pretending and hiding what's actually inside but that's just half the truth.

As much as i "hate" myself, i have fallen quite far down below to know that most of you people's lives are much better and not nearly as irrecoverable as some would think. 'It takes one to know one', as they say, but rather i wouldn't wish others to perceive reality through my eyes. You can still so much hope and happiness in others, i wouldn't want to bring my brand of pessimism and realism to others.

When one sulks over his/her life, i always tell them the brighter side of it, because i've been to worse situations, though i wouldn't explicitly tell them about me. Then again, i think a lot of things, mostly in excess but it helps me to look at both sides more than usual, it wouldn't be strange to say i can say the right things at the right time(maybe).

So technically, i wasn't pretending at all, i honestly am ok. I wish the grief to stay here, no where else.

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Starting a new
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I got the movie ticket from college yesterday, it would be sad to say nobody mentioned of going to watch it together. Well, i took matters to for myself i guess, the Movie Day was right after exams were over so why not enjoy myself with a nice movie starring Johnny Depp as Captain Sparrow? Again, i'm getting used to being alone, it's only a matter of time i had the guts and will to do it. On the plus side, i can go wargaming right afterwards, marking my freedom. I haven't told my mum i would be going alone because she's definitely gonna disallow me, though i wouldn't blame her, she just doesn't understand me completely yet.

However, nothing is permanent in my life, it will change after Year 2 starts, Stan, Chester, Eric and others will be gone, will miss them. Kean Hoe and Marcus will be frequent faces to see on a daily basis again, maybe. I would say for definite, you(Michele), Jessica and Su Ning would probably be closer. Anything else is uncertain, maybe someone's turn to be alone i guess.

But after exams are finished in Friday, the place i probably will go straight away, is the lake i wanted everyone to go picnicking. It is probably a way to say goodbye to my past life.

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Speculations
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It's nothing new but i still get the 'uncomfortable' feeling about Jessica. Even though it is clear there's really nothing wrong; her image strikes in my guts that isn't so.

There was one time my mum saw her in real life when she was at college, she has occasionally talked about her and that seems like she doesn't wear pants at all, which i kinda agree; we're both sensitive about being properly clothed. Besides being a busy-body, as usual she makes her predictions about relationships, 99% of the time she's correct about the status of it and it's quite annoying when she talks bad about the ones i like... 


Anyways, basing of whatever information she has gotten as have talked about my college life to her, she predicts two happenings. It is similar to what she predicted with MJ and Thomas, however, evidence of being loyal to Marcus was lacking according to sources, there is no problem in the guy's side, unless purely loving someone is a problem. She suggested Jessica could 'defect' if she there were other 'fishes to be caught'. If not, she will remain loyal to Marcus, and hopefully, an honest intention.

As i said before sometime ago, i wish they will be together for the rest of their lives, for a man capable of such great affection and has been even happier after she has become a part of his life. For.. if i dare say, breaking up would be the most hardest thing he will cope with and an unforgivable act if it was ill-intended. It was a possible end, breaking up after coming back from UK would give her the chance to avoid seeing each other and friends that maybe against it, directly.

Speculation brings nothing but either it remains one, or becomes reality. Time ultimately is the only thing that can tell.

ever so slightly, ever so slowly, ever so distant.

Those few hours spent on working up an answer, was put into a slot after midnight. The presence of a family member just distracts me for some reason, i'll procrastinate until i don't see a single soul at the living room. Even then i'm having trouble focusing. But good news is that i can probably sufficiently prepare for the exams as long as i put up an answer each day.

During the days, it's either i 'study' wargaming or think of what's going to happen afterwards. Chester and Kean Hoe is planning a trip separately from what i know, i kept wondering how it would be like and i keep imagining it great, yet it will be different. Deep down inside i still feel guilt, mainly because when i look at anyone of you i'm reminded of what was done, not just that but that feeling of neglecting someone. Sometimes i tell myself it's not intentional, unlike my dad, i'm uncomfortable with silence, it either indicates i'm anti-social or not interested to the person sitting beside me which doesn't help cope with what has happened too.

It's no excuse to say we don't meet as often as we use to, we always have access to internet, we always check our social network sites, we often open our chat messengers. Not even keeping in contact in such a convenient way, how can i say it's alright that we can't even type to each other?

One thing in this video that had me thinking, in a relationship, even one as simple as friends, at the stage when we get 'comfortable' between each other, we either get closer or we take friends for granted. The more we just leave it as it was, the more distant we get.Taking that initiative to do it again, it's unmotivated.

But if i think clearer, it probably only applies to me. I took my friends for granted, instead of actually doing something, i preach in my blog saying how much i have done for them. Jealousy stems from such thinking, when i see people forming their own groups, i thought they left but in truth it has always been like that, i only notice it when i dropped my camera but confused as to what it really meant.

Then how do you set things right? Right now there doesn't seem to be a clear answer, what keeps me at bay is exams. There has never been a passing day how i wished exams ended sooner. That extreme urge for me to do something for myself and for others never felt so strong, i kept thinking 'After this, after this, after this!'. A new man, a new leaf, i have kept believing it's going to be the turning point, the epitome of change, the burst of a new life. And then i look at 'now', time is still ticking as slowly as it ever felt, this period of time felt so unproductive i can literally scream of boredom. It is not because i don't study but rather i did nothing but procrastinating, reading and studying for the past few weeks. I could've done so many things, talk to my friends, wargaming, make videos, practice dancing, playing my guitar. Oh why is the separation between the end of revision classes and exams starting so apart from each other?

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                                              Between you and me
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With all the excitement of impatiently waiting, i rarely have time for her. Somewhere in my guts say if I went all out, i could definitely win her heart. However, it is a chance i had to miss, even though sometimes i try, it's inconsistent and only to my convenience, i get the feeling she's not interested anymore, nor do i want to be.

I told myself it's not right, how can it ever be? I'm the one who can't commit to a relationship, not because i don't want to but it's because i can't. In the short run, yeah maybe, in the long run? A simple reason would be that I have to go to UK next year, the thought of being in a relationship and immediately having to say goodbye crushes me. Coupling with commitments for my future, it has always been only a dream.

Did i fell for her? Truthfully? ..no. For the first in my life, it only went so far as to "just really interested". My only ever real chance to show i liked her directly was at the prom, but for the love of God i didn't. She isn't the type to take an indirect approache by guys = me, no amount of indirectness from me will change that. When she typed "we're just friends, right?", typical indirect line that means = "i'm not interested" quickly struck my mind, that she wasn't meant to be.

So i'm back to where i always have been. Sad? not really but that doesn't change the fact i'm always wondering and waiting for that someone. My single life has never changed to "I like being single", it's not a sin to love someone even if that she/he doesn't feel the same way. To say otherwise, is subconsciously lying to oneself.

MTV "K" Hits, not J/K Hits

Through all my ignorance for the past few months, i thought i had missed japanese MVs when the show was aired, but i sat through the whole hour, no, there was no japanese content whatsoever, and it has been for quite some time has it been like this after checking in the internet.

This is not directed to any K-fans, but solely about the trend the entertainment companies follow. I've also realised the chinese radio channels don't have a slot for airing japanese songs anymore, replaced by airing korean songs. Animax is another channel that's also following the trend.

Fairness, i don't know. Speaking in general. are there so little j-pop fans in Malaysia that you can literally remove it from the media? "Deal with it." There's little i can do, reality it is, there's no incentive for promoting japanese music since it's not trending, the disaster's not helping at all either.

Am i getting old? The trending stuffs seems so repetitive and uninspiring, autotune, flashy dances routine, handsome and beatiful seems like the recipe for a girl/boy bands/groups to be famous. Where did originality, brilliant voices, talented in musicality, varying music genres go? I liked korean songs and still do but why didn't they promote the one's that actually sang without autotune or cool dance routines? I used to like the trending songs, be it japanese, chinese or korean but only for a short while, because it became so repetitive for my ears and eyes.

I'm going to humbly say that it's the 'overall package' the fans like. When girls/guys can sing, dance and look good at the same time, i guess it's understandable why one would love them, they practically shine through people eyes. But in fact, they have been a thing a long time ago, it only hit Malaysia hard recently, with lots of concerts and whatnot.

I've always viewed music to be something that is always varying but expresses deep feelings and thoughts, Ke$ha is not one of the singers i'm thinking of but unsurprisingly, Lady Gaga goes in my list of great singers.  Ambient, classical, rock, techno, rap, funk, oriental and japanese folk songs. Whatever language it came, i'd be enjoying no matter what, because even though visualisation may help, music does not need the eyes to enjoy a music fully. The sound of bass booming, the rhythms of shamisen, the whistles of flutes, the elegant sounds of piano, even the sounds of nature. If one uses his/her ears more, they can literally feel the music, letting it bring you to whatever place your imagining right now. Be it somewhere as peaceful as in a room with a view of grassy fields while the piano plays or at a buzzling street full of people passing by, all of it imagined through the flow of musical notes and sounds into your head.

As unsatisfied as i am about the media, the only alternative for me is to do my own research i guess, it's not like i don't know how, just a bit more inconvenient.

"Can't fight em' so join 'em?" 

Screw that, i'll never follow trends for the sake of sacrificing who i truly am and what i truly enjoy.

When exams over

The first thing i'll do, is go to that lake.

No point, have to be the one doing the pushing.

Decided not to go college for revisions since i know what topic i want to study for. Difficulty in forming an answer for CLR, considering Ms. Nalina needs "outside the box" answers, it's either 70% your opinion and 30% study stuff or it's 70% what she wants to know and 30% study stuff. With a lecturer and both the examiner like that, i can hardly form a suitable answer with her 'flexible' thinking that changes a bit every few months.

However, gives me a real headache since it needs me to get my ass off from procrastination completely. Still kinda stuck with the jury crap, had to do research since it seems the things provided by her was still not enough. Either way, i write my answers unconventionally which is a problem because it takes time to think, and i'm not a fast thinker.

Things do happen around me, but not much has changed. But it's better than nothing, hate spending most of my time just trying to look up cases, reports or reviews before procrastination starts again. Less than a month away i still seem to be really unprepared for the exams. This has to stop, no matter what it takes, sixteen questions to prepare is not alot, i have more than enough time. Mock exams being just around the corner does seem to cause me to panic to some extent.

My assignment works were kinda mediocre in my opinion although the viva results proved otherwise, did totally badly in it and i was so sure i was gonna fail it. They all fall in the range of 14 to 16, was expecting of it actually, but surprised my public law was highest amongst it since i used wikipedia for reference and Ms. Diana seemed really edgy about referencing. Was surprised Jessica was the one to ask me if i want to look at the results too, maybe she was 'scared'? I don't know but what was even surprising is she cried afterwards, until i heard from KH she was crying because Paul told her about Su Ning's marks being better than her, to which Su Ning scold him in doing so. In my opinion, Paul's just an inconsiderate jerk, i'd stay away from him as far as possible because he's a guy with a poker face, really dumb and whiny in a way.

Backing up again, why did Jessica cry actually? I would assume her self-esteem was 'hurt'? Whatever it was she wasn't really confident in facing her results in the first place. For me, specifically the current one, doesn't really give much into thought into end results, sad not really just being expecting of it and taking the hit like a man. I believe when you know what you're studying, if you give a certain amount of effort for it, you get back equally what was given, it's not the power of believing, but the equality sense of it. No amount of believing will  let you have what you want if nothing is invest upon.

But whatever effort you put, you get something back, maybe not something you want but something you need. When you act, you may fail or succeed, but you will gain something at the end.

So what do i gain from solitude? Not much, just cultivating negative thoughts mostly. Honestly, i'm not distancing myself away any further than it is possible. More or less i just did nothing. I'm no different than Junior considering i do virtually nothing to keep in contact with friends. People have a saying that states friends are like having a second family, true/close friends to be exact. Sometimes i feel it's just right in front of me, other times or even most times it's not. I'm confused because things are different, for me. As things are how they are now, i have trouble thinking what is the past events between each other ever meant to be, a mere memorable past and that it shall stay in the past? But thinking on the other side, it's really just something of the past, for me it would be defined as having the most closest friend i ever had and had been able to cherish and strengthening that friendship through fun and joy, blood and tears, in my entire lifetime, i'm not joking. However, to others, i can understand it was a mere enjoyment in life, it happens not just between us but with others too.

But i just can't look at 2009 solely, so many things happen the next year i doubt anything would stay the same. But it is to my surprise things can change so rapidly in one year, yet i remain insistent of holding that it should continue to be like 2009 through our lives, but inadvertently i myself indirectly changed.

Digital recording was a part of my life for 3 years, yet i give up on it for the sake of studying better, i came to a quiet stand, i never remember how to be social without a camera at hand. To an extent, the camera was the same as me; quiet, listening, remembering, but it was braver in interacting with others in a way i can't.

I really just wish this semester would end. Ironically i want to start a new leaf afterwards, all over again. I just want to forget the past and do things that won't make me remember how wonderful it was in the past and then afterwards remember how it sucked later on. No offence, you're still my friends, just that i was going way overboard as to how that level of friendship really was, my mistake, sorry.

On the other hand..

What could be said has been said, at least for the majority of it. There's not a lot of issues circling around me anymore, my thoughts are more of just thinking how to break from procrastination and other minor stuff. A lot of things have been cleared this past week through a bit of confrontation of it, lifts most of my suspicion and realise i should not have been at the first place.

On Friday, just went to MV meet up with Kean Hoe, told me Marcus couldn't make it afterwards. It was only for a little while for us to talk since he had other things to do and i need to go back home before rush hour, but surprisingly KH hasn't met Marcus for a long time. I'd assumed they would contact each other often but in fact i kept in contact with Marcus more often than him. No use in speculating because i don't know for certain why but  both of them have been clashing in schedules, whilst i know Marcus is busy, mostly because for Jessica even though he just tells me he has 'something' to do, It's not hard to catch his car since it's kinda rare around college.

Still you can't say they don't want to meet up, just other things demands more attention, i can't say the same for Junior though, there seems to be mix views amongst us as to why he hasn't made even one try to meet up. 

Before i write any further i say it of not by my own opinion, there's certainly something about it to think about. I would say that because of his personality, he makes friends wherever he goes, nothing bad about it, but his conception of 'true friendship', i question it. I could well be wrong because i'm clueless as to how demanding the course he chose. I'm basing on just the updates he makes on facebook, i called it investigating, not stalking... ahem. Maybe it's just facebook misleading me but it seems his time is spent mostly on HELP related activities, while some of it being dancing activities which is no biggy as it has always taken a slot in his time.

I've tried multiple times to have him go out with us but failed of course, whilst even a response is hard to get sometimes and feels irritated on occasions. Can one be busy for the whole semester, not even one day? Judging from pictures that was tagged with him in it, it seems he does have time to spent for fun as he was shown to be at a beach or at a mall, but only with his current friends to add on. Anyhow, any more speculation is not gonna be accurate, only time will tell. As far as i'm told, he's going to be busy for the next few months, without saying he could be free on the following months, so i assume he'll only want to meet up when he wants to.

As far as remembering and missing us, according to facebook, yes, but he says it to all the people besides HELP friends of course. I hope to God i'm wrong in every sentence i made and he really is unbelievably busy and have no time to even consider other things such as his BAC friends and it's going to be like that for the whole semester as he has emphasized. I'm just too clueless to make assumptions in the internet.

But in honesty, i'm kinda irritated by that excuse/reason whatever you want to call it. I hardly want to chat with him in the internet any more since no more than 5 minutes he says he has to go somewhere. And to tell you this, I know him well enough that he curses at people in the MSN when he gets annoyed, i'm no exception. Either in a bad way or habitual, i find cursing really really uncomfortable to hear or even say, to know you're being cursed just makes me "ugh!". 

All things said, i write this not because i'm angry at him, i just want to know better, as i write i do more thinking and research on it before i make any conclusive answer. Why is this such a big deal? I'll tell you why, because for me, it feels like you did not make close friends here. At least for the three of us, we thought we're one of the closer friends for you in Brickfields. There's two possible conclusion i can come up, one being a previously made conclusion in a post, that he has not realise you can't give all your friends the 'true friend' treatment, something like this will happen and it's uncertain whether you mean it or not when you say it to everyone you want to befriend. The other one being that i am actually the dumb idiot who thought you actually  treated me like one of your true friends and whilst i never knew you actually have a significant amount of 'true friends' and now you start to show your discontent of me contacting you.

Which is why as i've said before, it's better for someone that are busy are more important things, to do the contacting rather the other way round, or else it'll feel like i'm clingy or something, given that i only have a handful of friends i actually talk to and hangout but this knowledge not widely known, people who doesn't know me well or read my blog won't know, but then again, i would and it concerns me.

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On a side note, i haven't been keeping in contact with most people, including the two of you, it's not i don't want to but more it's more towards to the reasoning of "i don't want to waste your time."

Considering revisions and the coming exams are stressful, i assume you wouldn't want to suddenly have a small talk out of nowhere, considering it's been ages since last time. Which is why i rarely talk to anyone nowadays, even in MSN or facebook chat.

Whatever it is, this period of time just doesn't seem to be a time for me to do that. I seem to follow the "speak only when you are spoken to" principle in all sort of situation. I don't know, am i correct in thinking this way or is this never was true?

I just wish all this excess thinking was not necessary and i could just be blunt and straightforward about things.

What's my social goal?

A bit weird, to be the best father and husband a family can have.

But the beginning steps are hard, time passes so slow i can't see my goal as much as i wish.

Procrastination is my biggest problem as of yet. Second to it is my stamina, used up by travelling back and forth from college.

I need to pull myself together, the illusion of a worthless reality is dragging me down.
Gotta hold on, Gotta remind myself.
Even if there's nothing supporting me, i'll still hold on to something.
You can't turn back time, just forgive yourself.
You're still you, you control your own mind.
You still have people in life that cares about you.
Do not waste your time trying to love who doesn't in return.
Ignore your hatred, your despair, your envy.

Study for another month, just study for another month and a better future, a better life is ahead of you.
Friends will be waiting for you, families are there for you. You will leap through this, get procrastination out of your mind, remove any excuse from your mouth. Just start writing with your hands, as much as possible.
Nobody can truly make you commit to something, only yourself can do that, make the hard step into success, make it so the bad things in life are stomped and forgotten, make it so that you put a firm footing at your life, make it so that you stand for others.

Never regret what ever results come about, just aim high and shoot.

A mind best left for myself.

Please don't tell anyone, only Kimberley and Michele can view this, i just need the feeling of someone is listening to me rather then having the continuous feeling as if i'm talking to myself like a madman, and i can't seem to trust anyone else so please only share it amongst the two of you, forgive my selfishness.

I knew this day would come, a day to which I had made myself clear yet arrogant in my words towards the people i cared. Resulting myself enclosing this blog. I realise however you wish to express yourself, it is inevitable you will hurt someone when you go beyond limits naturally laid out in society.

It is still a blurry thing, morality that is. I admit, i based my judgement on scarce knowledge. What do i know about being a true fan, i can't put my finger on it as i do not share anything common with the average person, i just point out the cold and realistic view. My life simply does not consist of strong feelings to modern interests of a teenager and yet i do not have the same interest as an adult. I firmly believe one's words should reflect one's mind, but society detests it and requires everyone to be 'good'.

I guess it is wrong, life isn't always as gloomy as my mind views it, yes it is hard to believe what i write. "Lies bond, truth breaks; truth bonds, lies break." You lie or tell the truth all the time, for better or worse it varies between situations. Which is where i made a mistake choosing what was to be made truthful. I thought you would understand it's because i don't want to lie, not even in my mind. Now look what has happened, your words left me broken and lost. But the only anger and hatred built is towards myself, i've gone too far yet it is more than just that, i've grown sick of belittling others, it accomplishes nothing except to bring more negative feelings in others. Generalising is something i try to avoid by specifying different views, scenarios and persons, i pretty didn't do much of it in my previous context, now deleted. But you can never delete what rings in your head, shame - is the word i'm looking for. I can't look any of you straight in the eye without being reminded of it. It certainly has struck me a lot, like constant piercing of knives into my heart, i can't seem to forgive myself even if you did.

My mind is a mess, it's not my life that's bad. I can't even comprehend how far from reality as it has been written. Sensitive and ill minded, makes one suspicious until proven otherwise, i can never trust someone fully, the minute a trace of discontent is shown i close myself from others. Which, i can never maintain the friendship status to which i can barely meet at a sufficient level. I would eventually tell myself they have better things to deal with then to entertain me. However, life hasn't been any worse, some of my behaviour might change but at most time its the same.

I really should stop taking the initiative to do things with people, i say this because i find myself being obsessive from the start. To not have your own scheduled social activities, is literally the most headache given to me, college will never replace secondary school friends. The time and space just feels like it is filled with studying and revising atmosphere from start to end. I do wish i had people to spend time with and will not remind me of reality for one second, scratch that, for a day. Of course currently, that shouldn't be one of my contemplation, exams are coming.

I probably really am bad at choosing close friends, Junior could be the worst choice i've made, he's literally wanted because of his attitude to befriend people that made him the most wanted person i've ever met, someone totally at the end of the axis between me and him. Marcus and Kean Hoe, friends who have filled their time to which i find inconsistent as their lives are a mystery to me, i'm being kept in the dark so to speak in terms of what they are doing at all. However, it is mainly both of them are already in a relationship, and from observations at couples, half or more of your time has to have the other half in it. I would say wargaming for Marcus is the only thing connecting between me and him at the moment, i still have not understand why he has not played with people other then me, possibly i would believe it's more comfortable to play someone you know. I'd play with anyone in the shop actually, a particular reason is that i do not wish to experience different games with people varying in mind and attitude.

But are these really choices? A better term would be fate but hard to believe.

Still, i should have stopped pestering them months ago, and let them decide on their own. I have lived a rather solitude life for a while, my mind may not settle down but i'm fine as it is. It maybe different compared to the past but as of the moment, the quietness is rather comforting nowadays than the constant soundless hounding of 'bonding'. I still have unedited clips of the past, what i should do with them, it's unclear, the one showing Junior 'evaluating' everyone that came to his home, i probably could've prevented myself from repeating Junior's mistake if i wasn't driven by emotions, it is practically the same nature as to what both of us did.

"You can write 3000 words about yourself and you still won't be able to finish talking about yourself."
So true, yet i compel myself to write, maybe 3000 words isn't enough, what about 30000 words or even more? There's no goal to write about myself, the only reason i write is because i'm quiet in real life and writing is the only other way i'm able to talk, albeit unconventional.