Please don't tell anyone, only Kimberley and Michele can view this, i just need the feeling of someone is listening to me rather then having the continuous feeling as if i'm talking to myself like a madman, and i can't seem to trust anyone else so please only share it amongst the two of you, forgive my selfishness.
I knew this day would come, a day to which I had made myself clear yet arrogant in my words towards the people i cared. Resulting myself enclosing this blog. I realise however you wish to express yourself, it is inevitable you will hurt someone when you go beyond limits naturally laid out in society.
It is still a blurry thing, morality that is. I admit, i based my judgement on scarce knowledge. What do i know about being a true fan, i can't put my finger on it as i do not share anything common with the average person, i just point out the cold and realistic view. My life simply does not consist of strong feelings to modern interests of a teenager and yet i do not have the same interest as an adult. I firmly believe one's words should reflect one's mind, but society detests it and requires everyone to be 'good'.
I guess it is wrong, life isn't always as gloomy as my mind views it, yes it is hard to believe what i write. "Lies bond, truth breaks; truth bonds, lies break." You lie or tell the truth all the time, for better or worse it varies between situations. Which is where i made a mistake choosing what was to be made truthful. I thought you would understand it's because i don't want to lie, not even in my mind. Now look what has happened, your words left me broken and lost. But the only anger and hatred built is towards myself, i've gone too far yet it is more than just that, i've grown sick of belittling others, it accomplishes nothing except to bring more negative feelings in others. Generalising is something i try to avoid by specifying different views, scenarios and persons, i pretty didn't do much of it in my previous context, now deleted. But you can never delete what rings in your head, shame - is the word i'm looking for. I can't look any of you straight in the eye without being reminded of it. It certainly has struck me a lot, like constant piercing of knives into my heart, i can't seem to forgive myself even if you did.
My mind is a mess, it's not my life that's bad. I can't even comprehend how far from reality as it has been written. Sensitive and ill minded, makes one suspicious until proven otherwise, i can never trust someone fully, the minute a trace of discontent is shown i close myself from others. Which, i can never maintain the friendship status to which i can barely meet at a sufficient level. I would eventually tell myself they have better things to deal with then to entertain me. However, life hasn't been any worse, some of my behaviour might change but at most time its the same.
I really should stop taking the initiative to do things with people, i say this because i find myself being obsessive from the start. To not have your own scheduled social activities, is literally the most headache given to me, college will never replace secondary school friends. The time and space just feels like it is filled with studying and revising atmosphere from start to end. I do wish i had people to spend time with and will not remind me of reality for one second, scratch that, for a day. Of course currently, that shouldn't be one of my contemplation, exams are coming.
I probably really am bad at choosing close friends, Junior could be the worst choice i've made, he's literally wanted because of his attitude to befriend people that made him the most wanted person i've ever met, someone totally at the end of the axis between me and him. Marcus and Kean Hoe, friends who have filled their time to which i find inconsistent as their lives are a mystery to me, i'm being kept in the dark so to speak in terms of what they are doing at all. However, it is mainly both of them are already in a relationship, and from observations at couples, half or more of your time has to have the other half in it. I would say wargaming for Marcus is the only thing connecting between me and him at the moment, i still have not understand why he has not played with people other then me, possibly i would believe it's more comfortable to play someone you know. I'd play with anyone in the shop actually, a particular reason is that i do not wish to experience different games with people varying in mind and attitude.
But are these really choices? A better term would be fate but hard to believe.
Still, i should have stopped pestering them months ago, and let them decide on their own. I have lived a rather solitude life for a while, my mind may not settle down but i'm fine as it is. It maybe different compared to the past but as of the moment, the quietness is rather comforting nowadays than the constant soundless hounding of 'bonding'. I still have unedited clips of the past, what i should do with them, it's unclear, the one showing Junior 'evaluating' everyone that came to his home, i probably could've prevented myself from repeating Junior's mistake if i wasn't driven by emotions, it is practically the same nature as to what both of us did.
"You can write 3000 words about yourself and you still won't be able to finish talking about yourself."
So true, yet i compel myself to write, maybe 3000 words isn't enough, what about 30000 words or even more? There's no goal to write about myself, the only reason i write is because i'm quiet in real life and writing is the only other way i'm able to talk, albeit unconventional.
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