Other than.

The title is just a simple realization on my side that, 'other then' is not correct.

Other than that, there's not much to talk about(figurely speaking). Less than two week's time before exams and less than a month before i'm free from the burden of the past.

Simplifying and letting go is what i'm trying to do now, the past is merely what happened, it does not affect the future anymore than it had. I would like to think the good times to be momentary, so as to the ones that weren't. It does not reflect the present nor the future, as it is the nature of us constantly changing.

Starting all over again, isn't that hard when you don't continuously wish things could stay the same. From the beginning, a rapidly growing zygote, to a slowly deteriorating elder. Each life have it's separate needs and desire, a child would no longer crave milk as a baby would, an adult would care for his family rather than to maintain or create more friendship.

This is part of my life, a majority of it. Before the upper half of my secondary school life, i had no purpose but to live on, on my upper half of my secondary school life, i cherished friendship and dwell into a one-sided loves. Changing at an increasing rate, from a period of 6 years, to as short as 3 months. I desired so many things yet i only found few which i'm certain to continue on, whilst others are quickly given up.

Right now, i desire a life with my family and myself. A life partly lived for all my friends was never.. 'seen', actually. I believe my mind has the tendency to exaggerate it further than reality really was. As much as i want people to know the effort i put in videos and what not, it is merely, a friend's effort. Naivety is what appropriately fits my personality from what i can devise.

Still, i'm grateful to have friends and glad i could make more. Just that i wish to use the word 'close' not as sparingly as i used to. I'm sure of it without me defining 'close friends', you have your own definition of it. As non-existential as it gets, some elements of it are present.

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The "Pretend" side
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I find myself being more optimistic and hypocritical as i comfort others or just socialising. True, i am pretending and hiding what's actually inside but that's just half the truth.

As much as i "hate" myself, i have fallen quite far down below to know that most of you people's lives are much better and not nearly as irrecoverable as some would think. 'It takes one to know one', as they say, but rather i wouldn't wish others to perceive reality through my eyes. You can still so much hope and happiness in others, i wouldn't want to bring my brand of pessimism and realism to others.

When one sulks over his/her life, i always tell them the brighter side of it, because i've been to worse situations, though i wouldn't explicitly tell them about me. Then again, i think a lot of things, mostly in excess but it helps me to look at both sides more than usual, it wouldn't be strange to say i can say the right things at the right time(maybe).

So technically, i wasn't pretending at all, i honestly am ok. I wish the grief to stay here, no where else.

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Starting a new
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I got the movie ticket from college yesterday, it would be sad to say nobody mentioned of going to watch it together. Well, i took matters to for myself i guess, the Movie Day was right after exams were over so why not enjoy myself with a nice movie starring Johnny Depp as Captain Sparrow? Again, i'm getting used to being alone, it's only a matter of time i had the guts and will to do it. On the plus side, i can go wargaming right afterwards, marking my freedom. I haven't told my mum i would be going alone because she's definitely gonna disallow me, though i wouldn't blame her, she just doesn't understand me completely yet.

However, nothing is permanent in my life, it will change after Year 2 starts, Stan, Chester, Eric and others will be gone, will miss them. Kean Hoe and Marcus will be frequent faces to see on a daily basis again, maybe. I would say for definite, you(Michele), Jessica and Su Ning would probably be closer. Anything else is uncertain, maybe someone's turn to be alone i guess.

But after exams are finished in Friday, the place i probably will go straight away, is the lake i wanted everyone to go picnicking. It is probably a way to say goodbye to my past life.

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Speculations
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It's nothing new but i still get the 'uncomfortable' feeling about Jessica. Even though it is clear there's really nothing wrong; her image strikes in my guts that isn't so.

There was one time my mum saw her in real life when she was at college, she has occasionally talked about her and that seems like she doesn't wear pants at all, which i kinda agree; we're both sensitive about being properly clothed. Besides being a busy-body, as usual she makes her predictions about relationships, 99% of the time she's correct about the status of it and it's quite annoying when she talks bad about the ones i like... 


Anyways, basing of whatever information she has gotten as have talked about my college life to her, she predicts two happenings. It is similar to what she predicted with MJ and Thomas, however, evidence of being loyal to Marcus was lacking according to sources, there is no problem in the guy's side, unless purely loving someone is a problem. She suggested Jessica could 'defect' if she there were other 'fishes to be caught'. If not, she will remain loyal to Marcus, and hopefully, an honest intention.

As i said before sometime ago, i wish they will be together for the rest of their lives, for a man capable of such great affection and has been even happier after she has become a part of his life. For.. if i dare say, breaking up would be the most hardest thing he will cope with and an unforgivable act if it was ill-intended. It was a possible end, breaking up after coming back from UK would give her the chance to avoid seeing each other and friends that maybe against it, directly.

Speculation brings nothing but either it remains one, or becomes reality. Time ultimately is the only thing that can tell.