Those few hours spent on working up an answer, was put into a slot after midnight. The presence of a family member just distracts me for some reason, i'll procrastinate until i don't see a single soul at the living room. Even then i'm having trouble focusing. But good news is that i can probably sufficiently prepare for the exams as long as i put up an answer each day.
During the days, it's either i 'study' wargaming or think of what's going to happen afterwards. Chester and Kean Hoe is planning a trip separately from what i know, i kept wondering how it would be like and i keep imagining it great, yet it will be different. Deep down inside i still feel guilt, mainly because when i look at anyone of you i'm reminded of what was done, not just that but that feeling of neglecting someone. Sometimes i tell myself it's not intentional, unlike my dad, i'm uncomfortable with silence, it either indicates i'm anti-social or not interested to the person sitting beside me which doesn't help cope with what has happened too.
It's no excuse to say we don't meet as often as we use to, we always have access to internet, we always check our social network sites, we often open our chat messengers. Not even keeping in contact in such a convenient way, how can i say it's alright that we can't even type to each other?
One thing in this video that had me thinking, in a relationship, even one as simple as friends, at the stage when we get 'comfortable' between each other, we either get closer or we take friends for granted. The more we just leave it as it was, the more distant we get.Taking that initiative to do it again, it's unmotivated.
But if i think clearer, it probably only applies to me. I took my friends for granted, instead of actually doing something, i preach in my blog saying how much i have done for them. Jealousy stems from such thinking, when i see people forming their own groups, i thought they left but in truth it has always been like that, i only notice it when i dropped my camera but confused as to what it really meant.
Then how do you set things right? Right now there doesn't seem to be a clear answer, what keeps me at bay is exams. There has never been a passing day how i wished exams ended sooner. That extreme urge for me to do something for myself and for others never felt so strong, i kept thinking 'After this, after this, after this!'. A new man, a new leaf, i have kept believing it's going to be the turning point, the epitome of change, the burst of a new life. And then i look at 'now', time is still ticking as slowly as it ever felt, this period of time felt so unproductive i can literally scream of boredom. It is not because i don't study but rather i did nothing but procrastinating, reading and studying for the past few weeks. I could've done so many things, talk to my friends, wargaming, make videos, practice dancing, playing my guitar. Oh why is the separation between the end of revision classes and exams starting so apart from each other?
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Between you and me
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With all the excitement of impatiently waiting, i rarely have time for her. Somewhere in my guts say if I went all out, i could definitely win her heart. However, it is a chance i had to miss, even though sometimes i try, it's inconsistent and only to my convenience, i get the feeling she's not interested anymore, nor do i want to be.
I told myself it's not right, how can it ever be? I'm the one who can't commit to a relationship, not because i don't want to but it's because i can't. In the short run, yeah maybe, in the long run? A simple reason would be that I have to go to UK next year, the thought of being in a relationship and immediately having to say goodbye crushes me. Coupling with commitments for my future, it has always been only a dream.
Did i fell for her? Truthfully? ..no. For the first in my life, it only went so far as to "just really interested". My only ever real chance to show i liked her directly was at the prom, but for the love of God i didn't. She isn't the type to take an indirect approache by guys = me, no amount of indirectness from me will change that. When she typed "we're just friends, right?", typical indirect line that means = "i'm not interested" quickly struck my mind, that she wasn't meant to be.
So i'm back to where i always have been. Sad? not really but that doesn't change the fact i'm always wondering and waiting for that someone. My single life has never changed to "I like being single", it's not a sin to love someone even if that she/he doesn't feel the same way. To say otherwise, is subconsciously lying to oneself.
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